THE FRETFUL POCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVII, Issue 47, 10 August 1907, Page 16

THE FRETFUL POCUPINE

IT is rumoured that one ot the city members is on the point of resigning his Parliamentary office. Speculation is rife as to whom the rumour refers. Is Alfred Kidd about to lay down his trusty knout and retire to the joys of the simple life ? Or, as is more likely, does the state of Freddie Baurae's health prevent him from, as formerly, taking part in the fray ? Perhaps, on the other hand, Frank Lawry has acquired a competency in matches, and is about to retire into a by no means matchless seclusion. Anyway, it can't be C. H. Poole. He's doing far too much for Auckland to allow himself to once more become a mere private individual. And it can't be E. W. Alison, for Leader Massey would never allow such a doughty champion to retire. Surely it's not John Bollard 1 For the last time— Wh.o is it ?

The members of the Hobson County Council are evidently diligent students of the principle of economies, as witness the following: — A PPLICATIONS are invited for Position of xi. Assistant Clerk to the Hobson County Council, Northern Wairoa. Applicants to stat«" previous experience and salary required, together with testimonials as to character. Presumably, the man who otters to do the job for the lowest salary will get the billet. But isn't this rather a miserly policy for a public body to adopt 1 Such a system is always likely to put a premium on dishonesty.

Judging from his pathetic stories concerning the snow-covered tramway employees, C. H. Poole could give points to W. Clark Russell as a writer of romantic tales for the marines. Why shouldn't he take a leaf out of Russell's book by writing a new edition of " The Frozen Pirate " with a tramconductor in the leading rdle as the pirate? He could dedicate it to L. J. Bagnall.

A Queen-street auctioneer has taken time by the forelock — that's to say, if time has any forelock left. The auctioneer in question advertises that his premises are situated " opposite the new Town Hall." The structure itself is presumably left to be imagined as existing. Auctioneers generally do have fairly healthy imaginations, but clients are not always so well endowed in'that respect. He said : " Pray note my place of biz Lies close to where the Town Hall is." And, though the structure isn't there, 'Tis plain a castle in the air When viewed with auctioneering eyes Will very soon materialise.

The Herald, in one of its bursts of philanthropy, has been giving its enthralled readers the benefit of some " sanitary maxims " which originated from one T. Pridgin Teale, M. A. The Herald doesn't explain what constitutes an " insanitary maxim," but that's a detail. Says T. Pridgin Teale, M. A. : "If a rat appears through the floor of your kitchen, feel sure that something is wrong with a drain." We can go one better than that. We, with all due respect to T. Pridgin Teale, M. A., would say: "If a rat appears through the floor of your kitchen, never mind about the drain, but grab the family poker, or the family frying pan, or anything else that is handy, and biff that rat." The rat might not look upon this as a sanitary maxim, neither might the Herald, but we do.

Par from the Htrald :— " There were 9,210 charges of drunkenness brought in the colony's Police Courts last year. Prohibitionists say the charges of drunkenness represent only a small proportion of the aggregate number of "sprees" indulged in by the populace." That's just the trouble. Under Prohibition rule the keg is taken into the bosom of the family and consumed privately. Consequently, the police have no power to carpet the offenders. Under Prohibition rule, drunkenness can't be dealt with, because it goes on in private houses. Such a system encourages " sprees."

The mysteries of these cheap drapery sales are somewhat terrifying to a mere man. A Ponsonby draper advertises, " Ladies' jackets, 2/11," and adds the startling information that that " they were 25/6." Either that draper is a mighty philanthropist — and philanthropic drapers are scaree — or else the profits on drapery must be even greater than was once supposed.

Some three weeks ago, wecommented on the case of William Edward Dillon, who was accused of obtaining money by means of a faked telegram. Dillon, who pleaded guilty, was remanded until the following Monday for the Probation Officer's report by the Justices (Messrs F. McGovern, J. M. Morran, and W. Morgan). Since then nothing has been heard of the case. We have heard, in the meantime, that Dillon was duly brought up on remand in the upstairs room in the Police Court. This does not alter the fact that no account of the proceedings has appeared in the press, and the public have received no information as to whether the Probation Officer's report was favourable or otherwise, or what was the result of the case so far as Dillon is concerned. These questious demand an answer.

The name of Seddon is not forgotten, after all. Some township up North has erected a kerosene lamp to his memory, and Onehunga has wakened up sufficiently to talk about putting up an in m'tnoriam in the shape of a shelter shanty for people who are waiting for the car. It's up to Auckland people now to erect a horse trough or some other aesthetic edifice to show their respect. It is by such magnificent monuments as these that great names are handed down to posterity.

Some ribald person has perpetrated two quite unjustifiable "Limericks" about a couple of great men : — " There's a fellow who's named Arthur Rosser, Who of labour's the nominal bosser; But the Councillors said They would boss it instead — Idol Arthur's a down^fallen joss, sir !" And here's No. 2 :— " There's a Smeeton who, doubtless you'll note, Has some trouble in casting his vote, But there's nothing like change, So it shouldn't seem strange If he varies the cut; of his coat."

Tkis is deplorable, but as " Limericks " appear to be id fashion, here goes : — Our bold Napier's addicted to golf, So he rigs himself up as a tolf, And his outfit is just Quite the thing, so we trust That he'll never again take it olff. Likewise : — On a ferry-boat squatted a worm, Who remarked, " Kindly watch while I sqorm." But the boat gave a lurch, And he fejl off his pureh — In the ocean he's doing a torm. To say nothing of — There's a dashing and brave-hearted colonel, Who would fill all the space in a jolonel With his voyages, for, When he's not at a war, He's engaged in meand'rings etolonel,

Just one to finish up with : — When Bob Farrell's awaiting a ccatr t All the motormen spot him afar, And they put on their brakes With a vigour that makes All the city resound with the jar. * * *

The atmosphere of the City Council Chamber was heavily charged with suspense when the vote was being taken on the strap-hanging question. It was an awful five minutes. " There was silence deep as death, And the boldest held their breach For a time." Now some once youthful councillors, like Peter Mackay, are busily engaged in taking a census of the grey hairs which the business has produced. It's a comprehensive job.

Sir Joseph Ward says that the railway companies at Home use trucks for passenger traffic. That's the worst of New Zealand's progressive ways. The slow and effete old Mother Country will persist in following our lead. At one time, the Home companies never used to use tracks in that way, but presumably they have looked with envy on our more up-to-date system and have hastened to copy it. Seriously though, does Sir Joseph expect us to believe that in a coxmtry where railways are run by private enterprise, and where competition among the various companies' is necessarily keen, any company would be so foolish as to cater for its passenger traffic with trucks. Such a policy would be suicidal. In any case, even if they do so, is that any reason why we should do so too ?

The Civil Service Association are going: to petition the Government to provide them with suitable accommodation for social use by officers outside the business hours But why " outside the business hours?" It is a notorious fact that the business of civil servants hangs heavily on their hands. If the Government had any humanity, they would provide these down -trodden civil servants with smoking-rooms and gymnasiums, and other pleasant haunts in which to do the day's work. Government concerts might be arranged to detract from the dull monotony of civil service. Thei c's a wide field here for some energetic Parliamentarian like C. H. Poole.

John Fuller, who has lately returned from Dunedin, has only one inipres sion in his mind about that city, and that is that it issolid. John happened across a friend down there. Said the friend : " And what do you think of our city, Mr Fuller." " Well," replied John, " I don't go much on it. It doesn't seem to have made many strides since I was here last." " Well, perhaps not," grudgingly admitted the friend; " but it's solid, you know. Presently John met another friend, and yet another friend, and the burden of the song of all was that, though the city had not progressed a great deal, still it was "solid." John lived and learnt. Presently another friend hove in sight and buttonholed John. " And what," re-

marked the friend, " do. you think of our city ?" Then John bestowed upon himself a wily wink. " Well," he replied, "there'sno getting awayfrom the fact that it's solid," and the friend was so overjoyed at John's adhesion to the general principle of solidity that he actually offered to bang saxpence in a whisky.

Alfred Michelly, late accountant for Wingate and Co., has confessed to the embezzlement of £4,428 10s Bd, yet we were originally assured that the amount did not exceed £1000, and that, so far as Wingate and Co. were concerned, no further information would be laid. It would be interesting to learn what was the actual amount involved.