THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVII, Issue 46, 3 August 1907, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

SOME of the tramway conductors, exhilarated by their recent have arrogated to themselves a superiority even over the law. They are a law unto themselves, and common individuals, such as the general travelling public, have no rights whatever \a comparison with Iheirs. Parnell furnishes a striking case in point this week. A well - known citizen entered a car with a lighted cigarette in his hand. The conductor brusquely informed him that smoking was not allowed. The passenger replied that be was not smoking, and did not intend to smoke. The conductor's mandate was that he must either get oft the car or throw away the cigarette. The passenger declined to do either. He was only travelling several stages, and wished to retain bis cigarette.

Then an unseemly tussle followed, while the car waited. The conductor seized the passenger, who held frantically on to the seat, and, being the stronger of the two, dragged his man from the car and threw him on to the street. Further developments are awaited with interest. It is scarcely necessary to point out that the conductor had no right to do anything more than take the passenger's* name, and proceed against him for a breach of the by-laws, for carrying a lighted cigarette — that is, if there is a bylaw making it punishable to carry a lighted cigarette. So far as the passenger is concerned, he is entitled to proceed against the conductor for assault, or to bring an action for damages. It remains to be seen whether he will take the treatment to which he was subjected " lying down."

Rumoured that H.M.s. Powerful is to put in another term on the Australasian station. This seems rather strange in view, of the fact that when she was last in the Wai tern ata it was freely stated, by those who ought to have known, that her next destination would, in all probability, be the scrap-heap. Her engines were said to be in a decidedly precarious condition. Of course, it is possible that these rumours were unfounded, but it is a pretty generally accepted fact that John Bull has a peculiar habit of donating the more fossilised and antiquated remnants of the fleet to his colonies. If the Powerful's engines are as stated, she is certainly more fitted for the scrap-heap than to be flag - ship of the Australasian station.

Awful and terror-striking item from the Star: — " A seven-tailed comet, described by M. Flammarion as approaching the earth, is now within 100 miles of tnis planet." Considering that one of the tails is seven million miles in length, it's strange that we haven't noticed this comet's approach, especially as it's only 100 miles away. Perhaps the Star means one hundred millions of miles. A million or two is a mere detail not worth mentioning.

Noted that the Public Works Department have started to build additions to the police barracks, *in order to provide more accommodation for the married men, also a gymnasium for the force generally. In the meantime, prisoners on remand are accommodated in verminhaunted cells. It is said that the reason why prisoners on remand are not provided with lights is that attempts have been made to exterminate the bugs and other pests by means of kerosene spraying. If this is so, that part of the gaol must be a perfect^ death-trap so far as fire is concerned. But, of course, there is no reason why the feelings of remanded prisoners should be considered. The members of the force want a gymnasium, therefore a gymnasium they shall have. The safety and welfare of remanded prisoners are matters that can wait.

The programmes provided to patrons of the Grand Opera Company have apparently been compiled by an individual with a sense of humour. The cast of the opera takes up only a small part of the programme, and the balance is occupied with an array of maxims under the heading " For the Interval." There is much food for reflection in these maxims. One of them solemnly advises the reader to " rise early and retire early." The trouble is to live up to it. How the unfortunate play-goer is to "retire early" when he goes to see a six-act opera and doesn't get out of the theatre till eleven o'clock, ihe compiler of these maxims doesn't explain. As for "rising early," is it possible to do so after a night at the theatre ?

" Frugality," remarks the programme, "forms the best elixir of longevity." This is apt to set those young men who have taken their best girls to the dress circle, to the tune of 15s, thinking deeply. Surely the compiler of these maxims is not studying Mr Musgrove's interests. " Enough sleep repairs waste and strengthens." This clashes somewhat with 1 the " retire early" maxim. "To be sensibly dressed," continues the programme, severely, "is to give enough warmth to be protected from sudden changes of temperature." Can this be a hit at the evening dress of the ladies? Either this programme is a fine sample of unconscious humour, or else the individual who compiled it is a humourist of the first water. But perhaps he wants to convert the audience from their play-going propensities.

According to Dr Stopford, unless a man has been, a conductor on a car, he is not qualified to express an opinion on the subject of overcrowding. Yet the doctor poses as an authority on that very question, which would seem to imply that he was once a conductor himself. Was he ?

Most people are always ready to growl about the crasping propensities of the average landlord, but there is at least one property-owner in Auckland who ia deserving of praise instead of censure. This gentleman owns a shop in Wakefield - street, and that shop is at present to let. Within the last week or two, some dozen or so Chinamen have applied to the landlord for the occupancy of that place of business, but all have met with a blunt refusal. One .almond-eyed individual even went so far as to offer to take the place on a. seven years' lease at £2 a week. As the rent asked is only 245, this would have been a profitable deal on the owner's part, but he sternly resisted all temptation.. He wants a European tenant or nothing. If there were more people like this landlord, the yellow peril would 3oon become ft $bing of the past,

Hitherto unrecorded history from the unimpeachable Herald: — "Ten years after the arrival of Bishop Cowrie in the diocese of Auckland he was offered a very desirable position at Home. When it became known that he had declined the offer, the Diocesan Synod, on October 21. 1800, agreed to the following resolution," etc., etc. Therefore, according to the Herald, Bishop Cowie must have arrived in New Zealand about 1790, aDd they had a Diocesan Synod in full swing in 1800. Yet, according to the Official Year Book, the first missionaries didn't arrive in New Zealand until 1814. Clearly, the Year Book is a long way out in its facts. It is impossible to doubt the veracity of the Herald.

Gisborne is ghoulishly gloating over its magnificent morgue. It triumph* antly points to to the fact that the said morgue has £he best marble slab in the colony. High time Tommy Gresham got to work and pushed our own morgue on a bit. Tommy's marble slab will transform the Gisborne gloaters into dishevelled corpses. In fact, there won't be sufficient material left for Dr Moir to, hold a guinea inquest on.

Confidential conversation overheard on a-Ponsonby car : — Ist Confidential Idiot: "Going to see ' Tannhoyser,' old chap ?" ■ 2nd Confidential Idiot : " You mean 1 Tannhawser,' don't you ? Ist Confidential Idiot: " No, I don't, you silly josser ; I mean ' Tannhoyser.'" 3rd Confidential Idiot (breaking in suddenlj): "Pardon me — you're both wrong. You ought to call it ' Tannhoser.'" 4th Confidential Idiot (with an air of lofty superiority):- "Nothing of the kind. As a matter of fact, it's ' Tannhowser.'" Ist, 2nd, and 3rd Confidential Idiots (in chorus ) : " What rot I" Left arguing." • • * •

Another remarkable ambulance story. In this instance, the patient was also a young girl, a teacher in a certain school, and was suffering from measles. She was being removed to a house in th c outer suburbs, and a lady friend volunteered to accompany. her. When the greater part of the journey . had been accomplished, the ambulance drew up in the vicinity of a hotel, and remained there for a considerable time, to the annoyance of the passengers. Eventually,; the voyage was •resumed, but before the destination was reached the vehicle capsized. Fortunately, the girl patient was not* killed. But, in these eccentric' times, that was a circumstance. Sufficient to know that the journey was accomplished, »\

Kotorua is evidently a Benjamin among townships in the eye of the Government. It is now proposed to deposit the Exhibition statuary there* There's no reason in the world why Manager Munro shouldn't be deposited there, too. . The geysers, being consistent spouters, would be congenial company, and, anyway, Botorua is an exhibition township.

The arrest of Alfred Michelly, formerly accountant to the firm of Wirigate and Co., came as a surprise to a good many people in town, but was anything- but a surprise to others. Mr Michelly has been a great deal in the public eye during the last few months. He cut something of a dash in the city with his smart ponies, and a degree of style that might be accounted for by an income of several thousands a year. Things recently became somewhat mixed in his domestic relations, causing a great deal of talk, which was not lessened when Mr Michelly advertised in the daily papers that he would not be responsible for any debts contracted in his name. This step followed closely oh the return of Mrs Michelly from a trip to Australia and other developments in his domestic affairs.

Michelly has held a responsible position in the employ of' Wingate and Co., but, judged by his standard of living, it was reckoned ■in some quarters that he was the business coach and a spare team besides. The charge on which he was arrested was that of stealing and converting to his own use the sum of £15 odd belonging to Wingate and Co. This, however, does not represent anything like the full amount of the defalcations alleged against him. An examination is now being made of the books of the firm, and though this is far from complete, there are further charges of embezzlement against him to the extent of more than £1000. Michelly is a man in middle life.

Another Auckland prodigy has come to light in England in the person of J. Hooper, well-known locally as a wizard of the billiard cue. When Hooper had tied up all the local cracks at the game, he migrated, as all our prodigies do, from P. A. Vaile downwards, to the Old Country. Latest news is that he has tied up champion H. W. Stevenson in a game of 1000 up. "What's more, Hooper surprised the champion by a break of H7, the biggest break ever made by an amateur against Stevenson. About the only game that remains for Aucklanders to teach the Home people is croquet. Anyway, it's time the ladies had a turn, so why not send a croquet team Home? They could put in their spare time by barracking for the suffragettes, in which case Mrs Yates would make an ideal skipper, with Emily Gibson as understudy.

The attitude of the City Council on the strap-hanger question is lamentable and humiliating in its vacillating weakness. After passing a by-law permitting a certain number of straphangers in each car, to relieve the crush period pressure, the Council, on the casting vote of the Mayor, referred the by-law back to the Committee for reconsideration. This change of fr6nt was accounted for by the fact that Councillors Tudehope, Smeeton, and Grey, who had favoured the by-law at the committee meeting, were seized with qualms of conscience, or fear, or both, when confronted by Arthur Kosser and the deputation of conductors and motormen. Mow, the question has gone back for reconsideration, but if the convenience of the public is to be studied, that by-law must be passed.

The weakness of the Mayor in giving his castiDg vote in favour of referring the matter back has caused some surprise. Evidently, he did so in accordance with the usage that the casting vote should be given in favour of a further opportunity for discussion. But, in this instance, the matter had already been decided, and Mr Myers gave his casting vote in favour of reconsideration, which was a different matter altogether. la the meantime, the motormen and conductors are masters of the situation, and the general public have no rights to consideration worth talking about.

The Herald remarks that the Chamber of Commerce wants to secure the consent of bank managers to a reduction in the number of holidays, but to be careful to keep the matter private until the proposal was brought before the Government. Evidently, to put the whole affair in the Her aid is just the way to keep the matter private, otherwise, why put it in ? But isn't this a bad look-out for advertisers ?

A Waterside Workers' Conference delegate complains that the cost of living has gone up thirty per cent, in the last decade. "The food trust," he remarks, "has its grip on our stomachs, and the landlord on our pockets." But he might have added, quite consistently, that another cause of the rise in the cost of living is that the trades unions have their grip on our throats. There are such things as cause and eflect, but trades unionists don't seem to see it.

There should be stirring times ahead for Arthur Rosser or some other ' labour boss. The male clerks are trying to agitate for the formation of a clerk's union. But do these fatuous scribblers suppose for one moment that the lady clerks will consent to be left out of the affair? Even if they were, what is to prevent them from forming a lady clerks' union in opposition to the mere men ? With the trouble between the tailors and tailoresses comparatively

fresh in his mind, it is probable that Arthur Kosser will be inclined tobashfully refuse to have anything to do with the clerks' union. But if once that union is formed, the Arbitration Court can look forward to stirring times. The domestic workers' union will be nothing to it.

According to the report issued concerning that Ministerial picnic to the Sounds, Wesley Spragg and five children paid £11 5 a for the trip (five days), while the Rev. Dr Gibb paid £3 15s for conveyance from the Bluft to Wellington (ten days), and Dr and Mrs Elliott, for the same trip paid £7 10s. The question might be relevantly asked by what right Wesley Spragg and his family, the Rev. Dr Gibb, and Dr and Mrs Elliott have holiday trips practically at the expense of the colony. It is bad enough for Ministera and M.U.K's to do so, but when it comes to private individuals using the Government steamer for their own purposes it is time the practice was put a stop to. Otherwise, there is no telling where it will end.