THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVII, Issue 41, 29 June 1907, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

DURING the first few days of the great Dock case most of the learned counsel engaged " fell in " over technical terms, with a disastrous effect, compared with which the crushing of the Matnari on the blocks was not a circumstance. The first victim was Mr C. P. Skerrett, of Wellington, who, with Messrs Cotter and McVeagb, appeared on behalf of the Auckland Harbour Board. He applied the term " sheer " to the curve upward, which the keels of some vessels take, instead of being perfectly straight from stem to stern. Shipwrights call this curve the " overhang," and, when this was explained, Mr Skerrett endeavoured to convince the Court and himself that it was sheer nonsense to contend that '.'.sheer " and "overhang" were notsynonymoua terms. He did not, however, appear to secure conviction in either quarter. Of course, all the other learned counsel engaged tried to look as if they had been familiar with the terms all along, but theHe efforts also were not entirely successful.

Then Mr Gully, also from Wellington, who appeared with Mr Earl, for the plaintiffs, came to unutterable grief over the word " caisson," which is the term applied to the hollow, caselike gate of a dock. It is usually pronounced "cassoon," and so a witness called it.. The learned Judge asked for enlightenment, and it was immediately forthcoming from Mr Gully. "Gassoon, your Honor," said Mr Gully. " It is the gateway of the dock, your Honor, and it is spelled g-a-s-s-o-o-n !" Then Mr Gully's expressive features beamed with the triumphant consciousness of haviDg imparted to the Couit valuable information which it had not

possessed before. The smile faded almost as soon as it dawned, for a burst of sardonic laughter from Mr Skerrett denoted that be was enjoying a malicious revenge, and probably now even Mr Gully believes that no on« but a gossoon would speak of a dock gate as a " gassoon."

Mr Earl's turn came next. He referred to the Mamari as an " ocean tramp." The countenance of the learned Judge paled with horror at the atrocious insult thus offered to a great shipping firm. "Mr Earl," he said, " I understand au ocean tramp to be a vessel which wanders from port to port, picking up what it may devour in the way of freight. Surely a great shipping firm, like your client-, the Shaw, Savill, and Albion Company, would not approve of their vessels being termed "tramp?." For a moment Mr Earl's emotions appeared to overcome him. It is asserted by some that what almost approximated to a blush mantled bis cheek, but most of the spectators of the scene ecout this as an absolute impossibility. At length he recovered himself, and in a truly repentant tone, that would have done infinite credit to a conveited sinner kneeling at the penitent form, he poured out an apology to all concerned. Later on, Mr Cotter got inextricably mixed up with "braces," "battens," and "straps" At length he sought refuge in the use of the allembracing word " things," ana then everybody understood him, or pretended to do so. The only one of the counsel engaged who escaped difficulty was Mr McVeagh, and as he was not required to open his mouth, it is not surprising that he did not put his foot in it.

*■ The Star pays that the original cause of the Bank of New Zealand's difficulties was the fall in the market price of our produce that began nearly thirty years ago. Tommy rot. The original cause of the bank's difficulties was the " give and take" policy of the directors of those days in making heavy advances to themselves and their friende. Even if the prices of produce had never fallen, the Bank would have been in difficulties, as a consequence of thi9 questionable method of finance.

From all accounts, the Onehunga ladies' hockey team holds peculiar ideas on the subject of courtesy. Recently, the team issued a challenge to the ladies of Whangarei to meet them in mortal combat. The Whangarei hockeyites, spoiling for a fight, forthwith accepted the challenge, and the match was duly fixed to take place on Saturday last, at Whangarei. In view of the approaching visit of more or less distinguished visitors, the Whangarei ladies proceeded to organise a ball for Saturday night. A hall was engaged, money was laid out lavishly in the printing of tickets, the providing of decorations, and the furnishing of a sumptuous supper. The tickets sold like hot cakes, and all Whangarei waa giddily expectant of the coming event. To do further honour to the guestp, an escort of motor cars was arranged for to convey them from the wharf.

But on Friday night, after everything had been prepared, a wire was received from the fair hockeyites of Ouehunga, stating that the match was " off." The reason assigned was that the weather was too rough for the wieldera of the hockey sticks to imperil their precious lives upon the mighty deep. Conspquently, after all the preparations of the hospitable people of Wbangarei, the whole thing came to nothing. As a matter of fact, so far from the weather being rough on Friday night, people who travelled North by the Ngapuhi on that occasion are agreed that it was one of the smoothest trips on record. Apparently, the lady hockeyites of Onehunga are frequently taken this way, for the same thing happened last ypar. It is safe to asr-ume that the Wbangarei hockeyites will take steps to ensure that it doesn't happen again. Either the lady hockey players of Onehunga are such tender plants that a mill - pond passage to Whangarei seriously upsets them, or else they have very elementary notions on the subject of courtesy.

Pome queer things are perpetrated in the way of epitaphs. This appears in one of the suburban cemeteries : — Here lies, alas, the more's the pity, All that remains of John Neweity. N.B. : His name was Newtown, but that wouldn't rhyme.

Yet another death through the maladministration of chloroform. So far, the daily papers have not recorded the tragedy. Let us relate the sad facts. A suburban resident "had a faithful dog. The dog had four legs. Also, it bad a fit of enthusiasm, jumped recklessly over a stone wall, and fractured its south-east leg. Sorrowful owner flattered himself that he knew a bib about the sawbones trade, got his wife to administer chloroform to the suffering tripod, and proceeded to set faithful dog's south-east leg in plaster of Paris. Operation successfully performed. Happy owner proceeded to revive chloroform sufferer. No go. Sufferer wouldn't revive. Patted his hands, smelling salts,. brandy, artificial respiration— all futile. Faithful hound smiled a eweer, wan smile, and departed to that bourne from which no. faithful bound returns. These unregistered sawbones ought to be pat down with a firm hand. . -

The traffic in babies goes merrily on. A philanthropic "respectable married couple " advertise in the Star for a healthy baby, and, possibly as an afterthought, casually mention that " a good premium is required." Probably they are only trying to carry out the late King Dick's exhortation to keep the cradles full. But, if that " respectable married couple" are so desperately anxious to adopt a healthy baby, why should they also be so desperately anxious about the good premium ? Philanthropy assumes strange shapes sometimes.

A coloured young gentleman of a romantic disposition recently made things merry up North. Apparently, be had come to the not altogether erroneous conclusion that there was money in tohungaism. Consequently, he took unto himself a mystic air, together with a choice stock of incantations worth a guinea a word (in the Police Court), and started out on his curative career. Like most tohungas, however, this Maori sawbones bad an eye for beauty, and certain fickle wahines brought despair to their legal lord* and masters by casting goo-goo eyes upon the dusky Maskelyne and Cooke. After a brief and Don Juan, like career, the tohunga found it con« venient to decamp, in view of the large number of marital tomahawks which were searching for his blood. Humour hath it that Don Juan now frequents the meeting bouse at Parnell. Perhaps rumour is a lying jade. Anyway, Parnell has a silvery strand where tohungaism might find plenty of opportunities.

His Worship the Mayor was recently present at the Rotorua Fire Brigade's smoke concert, and informed the Rotoroosters that the Auckland Harbour Board was getting a fire-float. But why get another one? The present affair provides instruction combined with amusement in the acrobatic line. Even if her tendency to stand on her head becomes too pronounced, it would be a simple matter to ballast her with W. J. Napier's ferro • concrete romance. It would sober her down a bit.

Talking about entries in the visitors' book at the Sweated Industries exhibit, reminds us tfaab they keep a similar book at Whaka, the place where the geysers and tourists spout. While the entries are, as a general rule, of the stereotyped " Bai jove ! Awfully bally awful, don'tcherknow !" style, still there are one or two which are original enough to deserve immortality. For instance, one Victor G. Howe, of Queensland, would appear to have bad his matrimonial blisß rudely disturbed, for he scathingly writes : •• Charming, but not a honeymoon place." Victor G. is promptly sat upon by the next visitor, who writeß : "A very £ood place to get rid of a husband." Grammar faulty, but sentiment all that could be desired. James Edmonds, of Sydney, 1b struck dumb, and mildly remarks: "I! l-rtl !^!i 1" One gentleman with original ideas on the subject of orthography, calls it " Satin's own home," while another remarks that it is " L on earth." It is rumoured in Whaka that when curator Turner, feeja too light-hearted, her goes and reads a page or two of the visitorV book. 1^ baa a wonderful effect, ,

A. H. Byron, C.E., of Wellington' wants the Auckland City Council to ?'ay him £65 for preparing designs for he town ball. He may be an excellent designer of town halls, but apparently he is a better band at designing castles in the air 1 . Why, our own talented P. A. Vaile built the whole edifice and didn't get anything for it — not even thanks. And what is A. H. Byron, C.E., compared with' P. A. Vaile. By the way, P. A. is a C.E. too. Critic of Everything.

One of the richest stories of the memorable trip of the Mapourika to the Summer Isles of Eden, is told by Andrew Rutherford, M.tt.R. When the vessel called at Auckland the Legislative holiday-makers laid in a stock of raiment suitable for tropical wear. Amongst others who made purchases, was a South Canterbury member, who bought two fancy sbirts. Voyaging over a dreary expanse of watery waste, looking for flyspeck islands, time hung heavily on the passengers' hands. A discussion arose, on the question of valuing drapery. George Fowlds claimed to be an expert. Garments were produced for his inspection, and, amongst others, one of the fancy shirts.

The owner held the brand concealed in his band. MrFowlds, after inspection, said: " If you gave more than 7s 6d, or perhaps Bs, you were robbed." •• Well," said the M.H.R., " I gave 12s, and there is where I bought it," exposing to view : " Geo. Fowlds, Mercer, etc., Queen-street, Auckland." "Subsequently," says Mr Kutherford, " I ascertained that the wholesale price of these shirts was 5s 6d " Mr Fowlds travelling about the colony, enlightening the people on the merits of freetrade and single tax, had got out of touch with his shop prices, but obviously, he has a manager who will not see his employer suffer in bis absence. George Fowlds Dickson will feel flattered at this testimonial to his business acumen.

A horrible mystery is agitating the minds of Cambridge people at present. The Auckland Scripture Gift Association recently sent two parcels of what they call ' ' literature " for distribjr,ion at the public school, and the said "literature" has mysteriously disappeared. Perhaps Councillor O'Toole knows something about it. It would not occasion a vast amount of surprise to find that he had distributed it among Mayor Buckland and his fellow-sinners in order to bring them to a knowledge of the errors of their ways. But " literature " of the tract variety is hardly likely to prove tractable so far as the Cambridge Borough Council s concerned. It would take a ton, or two of dynamite, to make any impression.

Thames Rugby Union is sensitive. It has decreed that any player using sarcastic remarks runs the. risk of being disqualified for life. But who is to be the judge of the alleged sarcasms? If this sort of thing spreads, the polite player who mutters " Beg pardon, old man," as he . blithely brings an opponent to earth with . a dull, sickening thud, and gleefully presses the said opponent's nose into the mud, will run a serious risk of being suspected of sarcasnr. While the irate skipper of a team who finds that his men are getting demoralised in the scrum, and grunts out : " Now, gentlemen, if you've quite finished curling your hair, perhaps you'll condescend to shove!" will be sternly ordered off the field by a sarcastic referee. Even George Tyler's afiable smile might be looked upon as sarcasm. Awful possibilities, to be sure.

Why does not some benevolent person or financial institution come forward and lend the Devonport Borough the modest sum of £7,000? This is the amount of the loan that was authorised some time ago, but that has not yet been raised, because the money lenders have not seen tit to advance it. Of course, no definite reason has been assigned for the refusal, but there is a reason; and it lies in the unimproved values/fating. The onl^, security that , can be' given is the unimproved land value, and this is already charged with the interest on previous loans, besides being regarded as a diminishing rather than an increasing quantity. U. B. King, who was the recognised guide of Devonport towards unimproved values rating, ought to come forward with £7,000 and extricate the borough from its difficulty.

Apropos of Exhibition awards, The ' Chemist and Druggist of Australasia reproduces a letter received from Christ church by a eucalyptus manufacturing company in Australia. It reads as follows (the signature is a foreign one) : — " I was awarded a gold medal of the N.Z.1.E., 1906 1907, for a collective of Medecenes the exhibit include Eucalyptus Oil. lam not prepared to state her whose eucalyptus was I exhibited, but I shall be pleased to hear from you as to how much you would be prepere to allow me if I certified it was your oil that I exhibited. Hoping to here from you by returne. — I am, yours truly ." As a bold attempt at blackmail, this is unique, and it would be interesting to know if other distillers of eucalyptus oil have received similar letters. The Chemist and Druggist drily remarks : " A good many people have begun to doubt the value of Exhibition awards. Letters like the above will increase that doubt." Which is a true bill.

W. J. Nupier says he is satn-fied that Oiiehunga cannot control the Manukau harbour. That's beceuse they haven't got a Harliour Board with W. J. Napier astheruling power Kven if they had, it would taU« ihem all their time to control W. J , without bothering about such a paltry thing as the harbour.