THE FRETFUL FORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVII, Issue 39, 15 June 1907, Page 16

THE FRETFUL FORCUPINE

IT was hardly necessary for the Hon. George Fowlds to state that Auckland must have a new railway "station within a few years. The fact was already selfevident, and the Ministerial statement was tantamount to the conventional promise to " keep the matter steadily in view." What is really required is some definite pledge from the Government that will keep the people of Auckland in something like heart while they are compelled to put up with the present poky and out-of-date station arrangements, and this seems as far off as ever. But didn't the Hon. George miss the mark when he suggested that the opposition to the erection of temporary ramshackle wooden additions would tend to delay the provision of a proper station ? Is not the very opposite the case ? — that the temporary structure would be claimed to provide all that was necessary for the present, and would be used to stave off the demand for additional accommodation ?

The uselessness of the present firefloat is now openly admitted by the Harbour Board, which proposes to invest in a steam tug and to transfer to it the fire engine and salvage appliances. It would be interesting to know what, in that case, is to become of the dismantled fire-float. Will it be relegated to Shoal Bay, to rust and rot in company with the silt-punts and the floating landing-stage, or is the museum for rejected Harbour Board curiosities yet to become a reality ? But what guarantee have we that the proposed new tug will be any more serviceable even than the fire-float ? The Harbour Board has established a record in the way of bad bargains, and this may prove to be yet another.

Perhaps the most striking thing about the exhibition of sweated industries now going on at the City Council Chambers is the want of originality about the remarks jotted down in the visitors' book. Early in the progress of the show, someone ventured to record his opinion that the wretched pay earned by the unlucky makers of the goods displayed was " a disgrace to England." Of course it is, but surely- it is not necessary for every third or fourth visitor to endorse this view in precisely the same parrot-like repetition. The only variation of the monotony is the original spelling in which the opinion is expressed. That is varied enough to suggest that . the schoolmaster's work in Auckland is not exactly a credit to New Zealand.

One Humphreys, of Taranaki, gets cold glances from the single women of his district just now. He is a bachelor, and a marksman of some note, and last year he won a wedding-ring provided hy the ladies thereabouts as a prize for the as yet unappropriated shootists. But there was a condition. The winner was to put the ring to its proper use within the year, and Humphries, though he had the whole province full of eligible brides to choose from, has contemned them all, and returned the circlet as forfeit. Among Taranaki match- makers he will be a marked man till he shows some outward and visible sign of penitence.

Telegraphed from Masterton that the employers there are signing a petition asking for the repeal of the Arbitration Act, or that it shall be so amended that in country districts it shall be made permissive. The petitioners contend that labour union agents from the cities stir up strife and make demands which threaten to ruin country enterprises. The experience of the country districts around Auckland is similar to that of Maeterton. There is no trouble with the employees except what id being caused by labour agitators from the city who are inspired by a desire for their own pecuniary profit. What is required to meet the situation is an amendment to the Act making it penal for anyone outside a particular trade to foment or take part in a dispute in that trade.

The tin ■ kettling brigade is not always merely a nuisance. For instance, the other night it rallied its kerosene-tin solists and sallied out to " entertain " a young suburban couple who bad just returned from their honeymoon. But the tin drums rattled and the whistles piped in vain. The newly-M'edded kept their blinds down, and gave no sign. After an hour's " music" the band withdrew in good order — as the military have it — but so also did the silver teapot they had taken with them to prove that they were something more than larrikins out for a lark. The next couple to be married in that suburb will reap the advantage.

All Mangere is laughing over a little incident that happened on the public road there one day last week. It arose oat of a conflict between a lady whom we may call Mrs Dairy, and a neighbouring cockatoo, and so far the honours of war rest with the lady. One night someone opened her husband's paddock gate, and allowed her cows to get out. It so happened that Cocky, who had no love for the lady, her husband, or the poor dear cows, met the beasts on the road in the small hours, and drove them into his stockyard about 4.30 a.m., intending to take them to the pound after he had finished his own milking. In this he reckoned without the energetic dame, lor on missing her stock at daylight she quickly traced them to the place of detention, and, waiting her chance, succeeded in releasing them. Just as she got them out on the road, the would-be pounder rushed out with the intention of resuming possession. At that moment the lady's husband opportunely appeared round the corner, and entertained the indignant man, while "the missus" made good progress towards home. End of Act I.

However, Cocky is a determined person, and he got his opportunity later in the day, when the herd were again grazing on the roadside. Jumping on his horse, he snapped the opportunity, and hustled them off, this time getting them safely into the pound keeper's clutches. Mrs Dairy heard the news with dismay, and grabbing her bat and jacket and the biggest stick she could comfortably handle, she set off, full of fight. Within half a mile of the pound she sighted the enemy cantering back. Armed ■with the bludgeon in one hand mi a lump of mud in the other, she planted herself across his track, and called upon him to pull up. The fearsome sight was too much for Cocky 's nerves, and in mortal terror he dug his heels into his horse, in a frantic endeavour to escape the coming vengeance. The stick he missed, but, as he passed, the mudladen left hand swung round with unerring aim. He didn't exactly eat the contents, but the decorations on face, neck and clothing were the opposite tof beautiful. Probably the finalfaot of the comedy will be played •utjuider magisterial supervision,

Sometimes the Star has the merit of precisenes>s. For instance, it is very particular in making it clear that a poor fellow who died the other day from the effects of blood-poisoning contracted it when skinning dead sheep. Of course, the Star wants to distinguish clearly between him and the awful persons who are so prone to flaying live sheep.

Now Austin Walsh can realise the feelings of the poet's stricken eagle. It is all on account of an occurrence of Sunday night. Someone raised a report that smoke was coming out of the windows of the Walsh warehouse in Wyndbam-street. In double quick time the fire brigade motor car of Austin Walsh's own supplying was on the spot, and an eager party of firemen started to hew down the doorway. Not till some pounds' worth of damage had been done was" it discovered that the issuing w-reaths were not smoke at all, but merely steam from a leak in one of the Herald office* steam pipes. If it hadn't been for the fieetness of that Walsh car, the true state of affairs might have been seen before the axes could be brought into action. Hence A. W.s bitter and poetic reflections

Waihi is becoming remarkable for the stupidity of its municipal administration. It is scarcely more than a year aince the gas service was installed in that town, and now it has been discovered that the gasometer is only capable of holding one day's supply, and that a larger one will have to be built, at a cost of £2,500. In view of such blunders as this, it is well for Waihi that it has a gold duty revenue of £25,000 a year to fall back upon.

The Women's Political League has passed another resolution in favour of the abolition of barmaids. This is intended as a step towards Prohibition. Probably a more effective step would be to substitute the women of the Political League for the barmaids. Every local hotel would be closed in a week.

Cabled that a native of East Africa has been sentenced to five years' imprisonment, with 24 lashes, for attempting to assault a missionary's daughter. ' If this was the punishment for an attempt to assault, it is terrible to think what would have happened to that native if he had succeeded in actually assaulting the missionary's daughter. Says a correspondent : — " A bloodthirsty sentence this — a vengeful creed is that of the present-day Christianity marching with the missionary of civilised creation ! Five years' imprisonment, and twentyfour lashes, in the name of Christ, and to the glory of God, Amen ! Why do not the pretentious Saviours of to-day turn tneir attentions to the seething millions of half-develop-ed, half-fed beings of their own blood existing and dying in the slums of their own cities ?"

The glories of the Prohibition system ! An Oauiaru resident, with an observant eye saw what appeared to be a new set of boxes for the post office being carted along the street. Enquiries elicited the fact that what appeared to be letter-boxes were intended to contain something more powerful than the spiciest of correspondence. As a matter of fact, they were lockers, intended to be used for the storage of " license " in its strongest form. Thus does the strong arm of Prohibition crush the hydraheaded monster known as alcohol.

A once ardent lover whose affection has grown cold had to submit the othe"r day to the exquisite torture of having some of his most amorous letters read out in the New Plymouth Police Court. This was one of the tender sentences : — "I wish to goodness I was near you ! But I have not the wings of a dove, or to my darling I would fly like the shot out of a gun." Perhaps it was the mixtures of metaphors that did it, but to-day he and his darling are as antipathetic as the dove and the gun.

It's a wise woman who knows her own husband. A respectable married woman was returning from a mothers' meeting the other night when she heard a low whistle behind her. Investigation proved that she was being followed by a bold bad man. Horrorstruck, she increased her pace, only to discover that the bold bad roan did likewise. Then she sought refuge in a friend'i^house, and related her tale of woe, whereupon the master of the house armed himself with the family poker and proceeded to escort the lady home. Immediately they started, however, the bold bad ruffian reappeared. The escort grabbed the poker, and prepared to die in the lady's defence. But he still lives, because the bold, bad scoundrel proved to be the lady's husband, who was returning from a lodge meeting, and had been endeavouring to catch up to his better half. So ended a promising romance.

Apparently the outcry in Australia against the use of foreign vessels is more a matter of sentiment than of practical force. The test came the other day, when it became necessary for the Commonwealth Government to make arrangements for the repatriation of the four hundred odd Australians who were stranded in South Africa. And then what happened ? That the Government which had strained at the Lascar goat swallowed the foreign camel. Instead of chartering a British ship they engaged a Swedish one — because it was cheaper. After all, the dollar counts, when it comes to actual business.

One of our schoolmasters tells a good story concerning the last examinations. He had coached a certain class in physical geography, and had impressed upon them the definition of the equator : "An imaginary line running round the earth." Sure enough, the inspector happened upon this very question. Unluckily, it fell to a little fellow who had formed his own idea of the teacher's words. " Please, sir," he answered, readily enough, "it's a menagerie lion running round the world."

There was quite a nice little battle in Syruonda-street last week, the sequel of which will probably be told in the Police Court. A Newton jeweller, with an idea of enlarging his business operations, recently acquired a lease of premises in Sy moods-street, and placed another jeweller in charge of the branch shop. But when the employer sauntered into the shop the other day trouble ensued. Nobody seems to understand exactly how it happened, but infinite chaos was the result. One gentleman, lovingly caressing a broomstick, smacked gaily at the sacred head of the other. Finally, the two came to grips, and, locked in a deadly embrace (as the penny horribles say), rolled upon the floor among the fragments of smashed show - cases, marble clocks, gold bangles, and other trifles. Quite a promising tragedy was utterly spoilt by the intervention of too zealous neighbours. But it was a great time while it lasted.

Enthusing over the attractions of the newest hotel in its neighbourhood, a country paper lays special emphasis upon the allurements of its " bridle chamber." Probably there is some force in the suggestion that the paper's horse reporter was at work, and reckoned that a couple just come from the " halter " would naturally require a " bridle."

The increased price of bread moves people to strange deeds. Hence the following atrocity j — Said Mr Brown to Mrs Brown : " Our rifth old uncle's come to town, So let's invite him in to tea, And buy some special luxuree."

Said Mrs Brown : " Suppose we get A thing we've never tasted yet, And I have often heard it said There's nothing like a loaf of bread.'

He bought that loaf of bread — it cost A pound — the money wasn't lost j For when the uncle saw that bread He gave a gasp, and dropped down dead.

In spite of riches, don't you see, He wasn't used to luxuree j And jußt by cutting such a dash The Browns annexed their uncle's cash.

Because a settler shifted camp by a few hundred miles the other day, and drove his stock and carried his other belongings across-country to his new location, the daily papers of almost the whole colony have declared the method of migration to be " novel and amusing." But wherein is the novelty ? In what respect does the plan differ from the Boer trek ? Or for that matter from the scheme of portage adopted by Father Abraham when he came out of the Ur of the Chaldees, to say nothing of other primitive people ? The dailies themselves are not novel, but they are distinctly amusing.

Townsfolk who face illnesses in comparative peace of mind, with doctors and nurses, and nursing-homes to right and left of them, may well spare a sympathetic thought for the hardships of the back-blockers. For example, the wife of a resident at Whangamomona, away in the wilds inland from Taranaki, was on the way to Stratford the other day, in view of an expected family event, when she gave birth to a child amid the joltings and discomforts of the mail-coach. But surely in these days of subsidised out-district doctors, the possibility of such a dangerous and embarrassing occurrence could be provided against.