The Fretful Orcupine

Observer, Volume XXIV, Issue 34, 7 May 1904, Page 16

The Fretful Orcupine

A REASON FOB EVERYTHING.

PAUL HANBEN'S SOI ILOQUY.

HE HAD LOST HIS DIRECTION.

IT is a mistake to suppose that the trades unionists gain points every time they enter the Arbitration Court. Sometimes, they lose a little of the ground they have already gained. As, for example, . the Typographical Society of Wellington recently. Hitherto, employment on the linotype has been enjoyed exclusively by .the. compositors, for the reason that the trade regulations required that an operator should serve a six years' apprenticeship in a printing office as a preliminary bo competence. This rule was considered by the employers to be preposterous, because hand type-setting for newspapers is a dying trade, and a knowledge of it is not necessary to the working of the linotype, and also because an ordinary well - educated expert type - writer would make the best lino typist.

The Arbitration Court has evidently taken the same reasonable view of the matter, for, in the recent typographical award in Wellington, it is provided that eighteen months in a composing room shall be considered sufficient qualification at the trade for a linotype operator. The effect of this clause is that compositors will no longer have a monopoly of working these machines. If the employers choose, they may engage outsiders of higher educational and some mechanical capacity, and, after a probationary period of eighteen months in the composing rconi, employ them on the type-setting machines.

The inebriated individual frequently makes himself a positive danger, as well as a condemned nuisance, to other people. The other night, a Devonport young man and his best girl boarded the College Road tram tn route for town, and change being required when they were paying their fares, the conductor stepped off the car to get it. Just then, a man under the influence of liquor stumbled on to the platform, gave the starting signal, and the car bowled off towards town, never stopping till ?t reached the wharf. Of course, the conductor was left behind, and, likely enough, has since got into serious trouble. But the fault was none of his.

Some people are very easily satisfied. The directors of the Coastal Steamship Company, in their annual report, state that the shareholders would find the balance-sheet "eminently gratifying." According to the balance-sheet, however, the alleged profit was £884, which was written off for depreciation. Seeing that depreciation is a fair charge against earnings, the Company seema to have ended the twelve months as it started, and this, too, for the seventh year. If no dividend for seven years in succession is " eminently gratifying," what would be the effect of a five per cent, dividend! In such an event, the friends of the shareholders might fairly tremble for their reason. V

Dowie tells the truth sometimes. He remarked that, although he was fighting grog, he Jived in a hotel where it was sold because temperance hotels were wretched places, where one was practically cut off from all conveniences. How often does miserable incompetence cover itself with the cloak of alleged piety !

There was just a fear lately that the Ponsonby District Football Club would lose its training hall, which is one of the best of the kind in the colonies, under the hammer of the auctioneer. The mortgage of £240 was held by an aspiring young lawyer, who hopes, sooner or later, to become the member of Parliament for the electorate, and he was peremptorily pressing for payment. The security was good enough, but some of the members were disposed to let the lawyer foreclose if he wished to, when an old and staunch friend of the club stepped in and furnished the money at a reasonable rate of interest.

A youthful Thespian, of the Bohemian order of merit, was fluting in the smoking-room of a Taranaki hotel the other day about "his father," a well-known newspaper proprietor in this province. This went on for some time, until an elderly gentlemen in the in the corner remarked quietly, " Oh, you are a son of Mr So-and-so, are you ? What might your Christian name be?" "Harry, said the bold swaggerer of the sock and buskin. " Harry 1 " repeated the quiet gentleman. "That's funny. Harry married my daughter." Then there was a silence that shook the chimney piece, in the midst of which the actor sneaked out with the air of a first murderer. Since then he has earned a drink or two on the strength of a yarn about meeting his father-in-law in the hotel, the father-in-law's name being one of the most highly honoured in the district.

Householder: What d'ye say ? Milkup a ha'penny a pint? What is that for! . Milkman : Because of the rain, svr. **. But you raised the milk thru months ago?' ; . " That was because of the drought, sir."

Paul : In either hand, Good Luck. If it were not for the sword suspended over my head, T could be truly happy."

The glamour of South Africa has quite passed away. Hundreds of New Zealanders rushed to the Cape or the Transvaal at the conclusion of the war, expecting to pick up fortunes in the streets of Johannesburg, or at least to drop into fat civil service or commercial billets. Some of them did secure well-paid positions, but the value of even these is greatly discounted by the high cost of living and the unhealthy climate. Others are sending to their relatives doleful tales of ill-luck and want of employment, and there are said to be scores in Capetown on the verge of starvation who would be glad of the chance to get a passage back. There are worse places than New Zealand in the world, after all.

Imagine a direct steamer bringing all the way from London the appliances with which to land her heavier freight in Auckland ! And yet, owing to our want of cranes, this is what happened recently. Last time the direct steamer Paparoa came to Auckland, she brought out at a cost of £200 the appliances with which to land some heavy machinery amongst her freight. However, we cannot possess everything. If we have no cranes, we certainly have fire floats, and powder hulks, and tenantless Admiralty houses, and Heaven knows what else beside;;.

In one of (be suburbs of Auckland there lives an old gentleman who is punctilious in observing the fast-days of his church, and expects his family of daughters to follow Els pious example. But the girls have independent views in the matter of church discipline, and are not always at one with their parent in the matter of mortifying the flesh. Not long ago there came round a day on which abstention from the use of batter, as well as of meat, was enjoined. The household fare for that occasion was meagre indeed. Dry bread was the staple article provided for each meal.

Nevertheless, the girls were observed to be unusually cheerful at lunch-time, and appeared to derive quite as much enjoyment from the dry bunks of bread as though they were lubricated in the orthodox manner. With pleasure the old gentleman noted the bright demeanour of his daughters on the day of abstinence, and he was at a loss to understand the reason for the giggling with which they received his comments thereupon. By -and -bye, he happened to help himaeli from the plate of cat bread that stood furthest from his own end of the table. It chanced to be the last slioe of the heap, and to Ids surprise, it stack to the plate. Then the secret of the girls' cheerfulness was ."■■■. ■ ■ . i

out. They had provided for their father's meal in strict accordance with the dictates of his Their own bread, however, had been buttered as per usual, but stacked face downwards on the plate. The head of the household has resolved upon scrupulous inspection of the whole contents of the table when another day of abstinence occurs.

In returning Mr Tom Gilmour as Mayor, the people of Waihi have made an excellent choice, electing as their chief magistrate an honest, practical, sensible man, who will maintain the dignity of his position and promote the welfare of the town. His opponent, Foster, a preacher of the Church of Christ, imported a good deal of factional temper into the contest, but Gilmoui.' avoided personalities, and carried with him the full sympathy of the moderate and thoughtful section of the community. Those Waiheathens who are always itching with desire for a Donny brook at the municipal meetings were for Foster to a man, bnt there were not enough of them by several hundreds.

"There's many a slip 'twixt the cup and lip." An ancient and tottering Wellington male fabric ought to have known better, but, having twice previously sampled matrimony, he decided upon making a third venture. The object of his venerable affection was a lady clerk, with blue eyes, a neat figure, and brains. Previous to her infatuation for the " old man," she had showered her affection on a youth who drove a quill for a firm of merchants in the city.

The youth cleared out for Sydney some time since, telling his friends he had been jilted for a bald-headed old sinner. This left the coast clear. Several months ago the elderly lover made a rather decent deal in real property—turned over £2500, in fact. Told the girL The girl gulped a bit The old man told her that his creditors would find out, and be on him like a crowd of gulls on a patch of sprats. So, seeing that they were to be married next Wednesday, . would " Lottie " (her name isn't really '.'Lottie," you know) allow him, as a favour, to place the amount to a banking account in her name ?

" Lottie" demurred, with an "aside" smile, but the hoary gallant persisted. All their . interests were merged. " Lottie" was going op the Wairarapa, to see pa and ma before her marriage. The dear old future husband saw her off at the station.; '• Lottie," now legally possessed of £2800, write* to her Wellington friends from Sydney that she is so happy with her young hnsband, who has earned such a lot of money since he baa lived there; The old gentleman ? Well, he's lying low.

Some of those Ashburton sly-grog sellers are humourists. In a case in which the witness said the bottle of whisky from which he had a drink was taken from behind a picture, it was proved that the picture was one representing "The Ancient Mariner," having for a line underneath it: "Water, water every where, but not & drop to drink." V

Isaac Coates, who, with hia wife And two daughters, has just left on a long projected visit to the Old Country, is a remarkable example of the New. Zealand pioneer. He also 'exemplifies in hia career the phenomenal fluctuations of colonial life. Several times he has made, by the exercise of indomitable energy and persistence, a competency, and several times he has lost it through circumstances over wilich, as the saying is, he had no control. He went to Waikato nearly forty years ago, and has been almost everything. He made money at farming, more money at swamp drainage contracts, more still at railway construction (in partnership with H. H. Metcalfe, the well known C.E. of Auckland), and now he has made the biggest haul out of flax. And upon this high-tide of good fortune he has sailed Home to enjoy himself.

The farm originally taken up by Mr Coatee just after Hamilton was settled is now the Government Experimental Farm, called "Ruakura" from ita proximity to the junction of the Morrinsville and Cambridge railway lines. Mr Coates held it until about three years ago, when circumstances compelled him to part with it to Messrs Gordon and Slade, who immediately afterwards sold it to the Government at a profit of about £1000. Mr Coates might well bite, and probably did bite, his fingers over the transaction, but just at this time flax took up an upward turn, and he soon forgot his losses in land in the contemplation of the immense profits in phormium tenax. He had several mills going, and the capital liberated by the sale of the farm was put to much better use than growing turnips. — —• +.

Few will grudge Mr Coates his good fortune. He has been a good citizen, a good Churchman, and a good man in his own household. As Mayor of Hamilton, councillor of the same borough for many years, churchwarden of St. Peter's for half a generation, member of the executive of the A. and P. Association, and in several other capacities, he has rendered good service to his fellow settlers. He once very nearly succeeded in getting himself elected Member of the House of Representatives for Waikato. This waß U 1893, and his opponent was Mr (now Sir Alfred) Cadman, Minister for Railways. He was beaten mainly on the ground that when he was a contractor he made (so it was alleged) his men use a No. 7 shovel in place of a No. 6, which was the regulation weapon. He denied the soft impeachment, but the solemn appearance of a Gargantuan shovel at every one of his political meetings did the trick.

An old Maori named Hirniona te Orenui, who has just died in the Bay of Plenty district, was responsible some years ago for a sensation somewhat akin to Prophet Rimmer's famous night vigil with his followers on Mount Eden, awaiting the dissolution of the universe. Himiona predicted that there would be another eruption of the Tarawera description, and that it would be preceded by the appearance of a comet. Sure enough, the comet came to light, and all the natives about Maketu were stirred into a state of panic. They forsook their settlements, drove their horses and cattle to the coast, and, gathering together in Maketu, fell into religious frenzy, and prayed for days on end that the threatened disaster might be averted. Whether or not Himiona himself had faith in his own prediction was never known. At any rate, he- was astute enough to account for its nonfulfilment in a way that preserved his own mana. The disaster would have happened all right enough, he assured the distracted natives, only that their faithfulness and .prayers had protected them. > :

Mount Vernon estate, Hawke's Bay, lately taken by the Government for settlement purposes, and as to which a heavy award of compensation was made this week, was formerly the property of the late Rechab Harding, who was one of the stoutest pillars Of the temperance cause in the colony, and father of Mr A. E. Harding, member for Kaipara. It is rather odd that this application of the bursting of policy should affect bo closely the family of a prominent member of the Opposition party. Of course, we would not suggest that Mr A. E. Harding's connection with the Opposition has anything to do with the seizure. But still, the question is being pertinently asked whether, if he had been of the right colour, and astrong supporter of King Dick's, the Mount Vernon property would have been taken at all.

We won't be a bit surprised to see George .Higgins out as a Liberal and Labour candidate for Parliament at the next elections. George is shaping decidedly that way. When Mr Watson formed his Labour Ministry, to direct the destinies of the Commonwealth, one of the first congratulatory messages that went from Auckland was from George Higgins, who expressed himself delighted., and who said he hoped Mf Watson would long be spared to hold hia exalted position. "Although a master myself," the message ran, " I have every sympathy with the Labour party. We can take care of ourselves."

John Farrell, who has been elected Mayor of Grey Lynn, is a young man who is not yet maeh known in public matters outside his own borough. He has/ however, attracted attention at the Thames Old Boys' Association, and in other bodies,- as a hard-headed, practical man, who has a mind of his own and the ability to express himself clearly. He is best known as the son of Mr Rpbert Farrell, one of the most ■ useful and practical councillors who haw served the city of Auckland, and a capable and prominent public man at theiThames for many years. Son John lacks to some extent Father Robert's breadth of mind and liberality of sentiment, but these qualities will probably come to him with age and experience.

As nobody appears to hanker after the Bickerstaffe (Colbeck) estate for the purposes of dairy farming, the Government proposes to boom it by establishing an experimental vineyard there, with the object of encouraging settlers to go in fqr grape-growing and wine-making. But to what end? As soon as the industry makes any headway, the Government comes down heavily upon it with inspectors and arbitrary regulations, and crushes the life out of it. Men in the North have been ruined by having their vines torn up, after they " had become payable, while every wine-manufacturer in the district finds the regulations more than he can struggle against. To crown all, there is legislation before Parliament making it penal for a man to have wine in his possession.

The popular Tree- Blitz concert takes place on Wednesday- week, 18th inst., when "Carmen" will be rendered in concert form. Mr Frank Graham will make hie first appearance on this occa* sion, and the chorus and principals will number over 20 performers. Seats may be reserved at Wildman's. • '

Magistrate: What direction was the accused coming from when you saw him ? Vonstable : I don't know, sorr. . " Don't know ? How is that ?" " Because he was lying down, sorr."

Mrs Elizabeth Yates, the woman who made Onehunga famous, put in another bid for the mayoralty last week. But it was in vain. The burgesses would have none of her. They preferred peace and stagnation rather than war and manicipal fireworks. Consequently, they gave another term of office to Donald Sutherland, who is appreciated as Mayor chiefly for the reason that he keeps Mrs Yates out. As for Mrs Elizabeth, she believes that 'twere better to have reigned and lost than never to have reigned at all.