THE FRETFUL Porcupine

Observer, Volume XXI, Issue 1195, 23 November 1901, Page 16

THE FRETFUL Porcupine

THERE has been a great deal of unfavourable comment in town this week on the fact that, a direct steamer with tw«nty-two locomotives being at the wharf we have not a crane capable of lifting these engines. Consequently, a derrick had to be rigged, at a cost of something like £200, to do the work. Contrast this want of proper harbour appliances with the fact that we are spending £8000 or £10,000 on an Admiralty House which no Admiral is ever likely to use, and which is in a wholly wrong position, besides being years before its time. And yet we say we have nothing to learn from Wellington, which has cranes that would lift these engines as if they were so many bags of flour. Evidently, we are going the right way to learn a great deal. The races are often responsible for little misfortunes as well as big ones. The former kind was well illustrated in a Southern race last week. The gentleman of whom we speak was a well-known squatter of Canterbury North, and, when he left home, was entrusted by his spouse with a note to put on Greek Maid. On arriving at the course, the wily squatter thought it was an excellent opportunity to make a pound or two on his own, so, just before the race, he decided to lay his odds against the Greek Maid and back something else with his wife's pound for himself. The decision was carried out, but the result was not too brilliant, and our squatter was not too well pleased, for the Greek Maid ran second and paid thirty -odd pounds. His own fancy finished a long way in the rear. So the squatter came to the conclusion liis holiday had been spoiled. No wonder.

Not often do episodes of love and wooing occur at races — and less often on the grand stand. But at EUerslie, the other day, such a thing did occur. Whether it smacked more of love or business, each must decide from his own particular standpoint on perusing the details. There was a onarming lady with hat, gown and ribbons to match, in fact, a perfect galaxy of gor geousness, in herself. And unlike Mary^B little lamb, a young man was at her side. This stripling became voluminously enamoured of the damsel, and ultimately said : "If you marry me, I'll die for you. " « Yes, 111 marry you fast enough if you'll die. But what will the insurance be?"

The fear that we may build oar oity abattoirs on a twenty-one years' leasehold is gradually becoming more remote. It is now stated that the owner of the Faulder property is willing to sell for £200 an acre, which is really very considerate, seeing that the Government valuation of the property is £50 an acre. Meanwhile, the Ponsonby people are protesting against the abattoirs being placed so close to them, while Grey Lynn has also taken the sound objection that the practice of driving cattle to the abattoirs along thronged roads is dangerous and undesirable. Surely, the public abattoirs should be in proximity to the railway line, so that the cattle should be landed there direct from the country, and this driving through the suburban roads avoided. ••••••••• A Scotchman's inherent tendency to thrift has been again in evidence on the occasion of Sir Hector's visit. But the circumstance which we now narrate "takes the cake" for its uniqueness. Coming up in the Waikato train was Donald McDonald, of Donaldblane, or Fergus McFergusson, of McFejgussonblane — or something like it — and the guard came up with his usual screech of "Ticket, sir," while the placid Highlander was trying to find the bawbees. The guard observed that he bad the ticket in his mouth. "Ay, ay, nion, but yer too quick. I was trying to suck the date off. But noo I'll pay up for anither. " ••• ••• ••• So the bands are going to play in the Albert Park on Sniu'my afternoons, after aU. Councillor Hti-i>Ban, wearing a woefully-shocked countenance, inveighed vehemently at the City Council on Thursday night against this contemplated iniquity of high-oifts* music for the people on Sundays, -And was supported by Councillor Parr, who is supposed to be assiduously cultivating the religious interest, with a view to a seat in the House. But the Council would have none of the Hannan-Parr severe moral code. They did not find one single supporter, so that their motion lapsed. Now, if they want to do the community i really good turn, they ought to direct their reforming crusade against unmusical church bells and tuneless evangelist bands, which are a decided nuisance.

In a large college, not too many leagues from the centre of Auckland, there is a very intelligent young student. He is a young fellow of a dark skin, and English is not his native tongue, although he is far enough advanced to study the works of Shakspeare, and is, besides, a keen lover of his horse. It was this weakness of his which overthrew him in the matter of poesy. The home lesson, recently, was to paraphrase the passage containing the line : "Woe is me !My withers are unwrung !" After many emendations, alterations, etc., his paraphrase ran thuß : "I am so sorry ! My horse's front Bhould«r» are unscrewed !"

Auckland was startled almost out of a year's growth last week when it was realised that Mr I), B. McDonald, chairman of the Hector Macdonald reception committee, had left for Sydney in the mail steamer, following immediately on the heels of Sir Hector. The Sonoma, being the faster steamer, should have arrived first, or at least about the name time as the Zealandia, so that Sir Hector would probably find Mr D. B. waiting for him in Sydney. Nobody in Auckland appears to grasp the purpose of the latter's trip. Probably, however, he thought Sir Hector would land a stranger in a strange land, and was anxious to keep on showing him around, or maybe he interpreted Sir Hector's invitation to travel with him to Kotorua too literally, and made it Sydney instead. However, Fighting Mac and Entertaining Mac are both in Sydney. Let us hope they are both enjoying themselves. ,' It was at one of/ those terrible boarding-houses, well-known in Auckland, where the clock strikes six to summon hungry souls to partake of the mysterious collation at the long, dreary table, where nobody talks but everyone munches his little bit in solemn silence. A new and loquacious young fellow had just arrived and cheered things up a bit, and for once smiles and subdued conversation went round the table. At the end of the frugal meal, the vivacious young man, rising with a cup of tea in his outstretched hand, proposed a toast to the proprietor, saying there was one thing in the establishment he had never seen better in all his travels. The joyful proprietor bowed his acknowledgments, and smilingly enquired what that one thing was. " The salt, sir," was the freezing reply. The Auokland members just returned from Parliament tell a good one concerning the Parliamentary picnic given to Sir Hector Macdonald at the Hutt, in Wellington. Refreshments having been partaken of at McNab's Gardens, a waitress approached a group of Opposition members and asked if they belonged to the Government. " Because if you do," she said, " 1 am not to take any money from you, but if you do not, then you have to pay." Immediately one strong opponent of King Richard declared that he did not belong to the Government, and promply settled his score, the others following suit. There were some strong opinions expressed, however, on the distinction made between guest" who were of the right colour and those who were not. It transpired subsequently that there had been a mistake, and that the girl had made it. She should have asked if they belonged to Parliament, in which case there would have been nothing to pay, but, alas, she blundered and said "Government.''

Many are the funny ways of omnibus drivers and conductors, and quite as numerous are their funny jokes. Those latter are sometimes the impromptu over How of inherent wit improved l»y constant daily intercourse with all sorts and conditions of men. At other times the perpetrators are perfectly innocent of an intention to joke at all, and in the present case it is difficult to say to which category the pleasantry belongs. It will do equally well for either. Anyway, here it is :— A boat from the Coast arrived at the Queen-street wharf, and two affectionate passengers— a man and a maid — rushed to catch a 'bus which was about to start, and was pretty full up. Said the young fellow to the driverj "Can we two squeeze in here?" And the maiden blushed when the driver said they could find room in the 'bus, but added : "I wouldn't get squeezing in a 'bus if I was you. Wait till you get home where there's not so many to look." A new use has been discovered for the funereal violin -case. Wo had always indulged in the fond delusion that these sad-looking boxes contained only the four-stringed lute. But now we are undeceived. It has been reserved for a young lady of Auckland to discover a fresh use for her fiddlecase. Going to a music lesson/, apparently, this lady descended 'from the tram in Queen-street, but in alighting slipped, and, in slipping, dropped the ease, which flew open and threw into the road— not a fiddle, but, dare we say it?— three healthy smoked schnapper ! Oh, ye gods ! And the roll of music carried in the hand was another ! Evidently, as cats like fish, and the old rhyme tells us "the cat's in the fiddle,' these schnapper must have been to feed these cats. Or Was the fair musician simply studying scalen ? Those of the schnapper are notoriously hard ones. Our rhyming office boy has got another fit. Here it is:— Hey, diddle, diddle, The cat's in the fiddle, But who can say what's in the case ? 'Tis dreadful to say, But only to-day A funny performance took place. Hey, diddle, diddle, A girl had a fiddle, And music done up in a roll ; But she slipped and she fell, And, dreadful to tell — Yes, dreadful if 'twasn't so droll For, hey, diddle, diddle, It wasn't a fiddle Flew out of the case in the street. Both case and wrapper Contained but smoked schnapper, Which now lay exposed at her feet. So hey, diddle, diddle 'Taint always a fiddle Gif ls carry about in their case. This lady must wish It hadn't been fish, And regret the mishap «'er took plae*

In one of the large establishments of Queen-street there is a little boy. He b a wee little biped with a pale face and about 15 years of age. He. has been at the same place ever since he left school, and given so much satisfaction that his parents told him it was time he got some more wages. He is a spruce lad, pleasant in his demeanour, and not at all badly thought of by his employers. But when the j boy applied for more wages, his employer enquired how much he was paid now and what age he was, and was informed that his present wages were 7/6 and his age just over fifteen. The "boBs" replied that at his age 2/6 a week was what he got. The youth, with ready answer, replied: "Well, sir, p'raps that's all you were worth !" The much- vexed question of the desirability or otlierwi.se of early matrimony is no nearer settlement now than it was before the flood. Perhaps it never will be. Be that as it may, two young Devon port ladies, whose added ages didn't amount to 40 years, were, last week, discussing this very knotty problem, with the gravity which youth so readily assumes when dealing with great and mystic ethnological and other kindred, questions. The summing up of the argument was distinctly femininesque. Queried Mins Taka Puna to Miss N. Cote: "Do you, then, really believe in early marriages, Nellie V' "Certainly," replied Nellie. "Early and often." For of such is the kingdom of Devonport. Of the gentlemen who adorn ouv legal benches and administer our overchanging laws, there are three or four who are clever musicians, One of these legal laureates of the lyre was present at one of those subdued and highly select parties ailected by such pillars of the state as judges, and awoke thrills of enthusiasm by his performance of a sonata of Scarlatti. Sa great was the rapture that the hostess asked the Judge if he would favour with a song. But His Honour replied that he had no voice, and therefore could not oblige. A gentleman present, who was a bit of a wag, ventured to remark that he had doubts, as he knew of many people who had been quite transported by His Honour's voice. But, of course, he meant to Mount Eden. Although the Ou.sk itVKU doe* not publish correspondence, one letter, just to hand, seems to deserve notice, and we offer our very sincere commiseration to the writer of it. We don't even know if the epistle in question was sent for publication, or whether it was the utterance of a lament, a wail of misery which, kept in the writer's own bosom, would have made life (a bqrden and joy and gladness as if they were not. At a society function some little distance south of Auckland, one of the gentlemen was deputed to write a . description of the event, with especial instructions to enlarge on the various toilettes of the ladies. He sends us the paragraph, with the pitiful cry : " Can you see anything amiss with it, Mr Observer?" But, since the poor man has been quite " cut " by the ladies down that way, we reproduce apart of the paragraph, as the O M isn't great on the intricacies and fancy names of ladies' apparel, ••• ••• ••• Perhaps the ladies will understand it better than the O. 3M. does: — "Punctually at 7.30 Miss B. arrived on the scene, and, emerging from the murky envelope of any old mackintosh, she blazed forth in all the splendour of a bright yellow dress with a red waistband. Her hair was a mountain of various - coloured flowers, while her frock had little trimmings of lace and bows ami ribbons Hicking about all over. Miss S. was arrayed in a charming black dress, with nothing particular to notice about it except that it buttoned down the back. Mesdames A.,Q,. and R. were plainly but neatly attired, but had dainty little brown shoes. The belle of the evening wan certainly Miss W., towards whose fitout all eyes were directed. White and blaok, green, yellow and blue were all divinely blended, and her splendid figui&iWjw a^puiu work of art/ Can any ladieß see anvfchinw amisß ?

The Educational Institution, which for some years has had its habitat at St. John's College, Taniaki, is about to be removed, and the new term will commence on February 10th, at "The Pah," near Ouehuuga, under the new name of St. John's Collegiate School. The principal will be the Rev. P. S. 'Smallfield. The Auckland Horticultural Society's Summer Show ib this year on a very large scale, over a thousand exhibitors having contributed to fill the benches. The ladies' honorary committee are providing afternoon tea free to visitors on Friday, and there will be music on both . Friday 'and Saturday. The hall has been beautifully decorated by the ladies' committee.