TIT BITS AND TWADDLE

Observer, Volume XXI, Issue 1178, 27 July 1901, Page 15

TIT BITS AND TWADDLE

Paradoxically, tbe Melbourne Argus a while ago reported tbe death of its publisher, and yet, in the same issue, his name appeared in the imprint. Re- { porting hiß own death, as it were. A Waihi man has lately bad a Budden change of opinion. A while ago, he was a very strong opponent of a hospital in that town of many accidents, but it oameWhis turn the other day to have hisjleg broken, and they took him away to a private hoase. Now he iB strongly in favour of that hospital, right there and at once. This is a positive fact, and shows how mining syndicates are occasionally worked np. A lump of quartz, bristling with gold, had been discovered in a certain colon; — never mind the name— by an enterprising boomster, who Bent it on to London, where it was greatly admired. A wealthy ayndioate was Immediately formed, and in due time there was sent out to the boometer some money to ' work the reef.' A long period elapsed without the ayndioate hearing anything about their El Dorado, so the members cabled oot enquiring how the reef was turning out, to whioh they received this reply : ' You have it all.' The hardest knocks the Auckland boyß have been giving the Christchurch review ' taok ' are not in it with the Southern opinions. Here ia a reoipe that is mentioned by one writer as a sample :— ' Volunteer Stew. — Bend a couple of orderlies with buckets ronnd the mesa tables after meals to collect all the scraps. Dump these scraps into the kitchen copper, cover witb water, bring to boil, and let simmer for an hour. Serve piping hot, bo that the smell at leaßt will be tempting, and leave the unfortunate soldiers to discover the truth for themselves." How charges are ' faked ' by the polioe was told in this wiae by Mr Wilford in the House last week :— A constable arrested a drunkard at night, and employed him to do some sweeping about the station before lodging bim in the oells. The drunkard, who was not watched, took the opportunity to escape, and the oonBtable sallied oat to find someone to take the place of the arrested person. He found a dilapidated individual on the reclaimed land who was willing, for a consideration, to appear in Court and plead guilty. The consideration was given, but the man appeared and pleaded not guilty, whereupon the constable got into the box and Btated : ' I arrested the accused for drunkenness ; he was drunk.' The Magistrate convioted and fined on the evidence, and the constable informed the impersonator that it served him right, as he had broken faith in pleading Not Guilty. That, added Mr Wilford, waa how oonviotions were entered. There were members of the Police Force— he inatanoed Inspector Pender — whose word he would aooept with every confidence, but there were also others. From Danedin comes tke story of how a biter down there was bitten. It appears that a Mrs Snatkins, one day last year, read a glowing prospectus, issued by the provisional directors of the 'All is Golden Company,' and as she knew a friend who had made a few pounds from another company, she invested hei little all, amonnting to ten pounds, in shares. She relied on the prospectus, which stated that ten pounds only was required to ensure good divs, and Bhe thought she had a good thing. Later on, Mrs S. got word that calls were payable. She declined to pay, and at laat she was sued for £55 This she ignored, and judgment went by default, after whiob an offioer of the company balled up the husband and told him that'as Mrs S. hadn't paid, he mast. Now, Snatkins knew something of the law whiob makes a married woman, and not her husband, liable for any oontraot entered into for her own benefit. He therefore laid down the law in a way that astonished the agent, and apon the latter threatening further proceedings the husband told him to clear ont, remarking that if he did not, be, aa well as the oompany, might need his services professionally— he waa an undertaker. The offioial took the hint, •nd sinoe then neither Snatkins nor his wife have been troubled by the ' All is Golden.'

She knows where he is all right. Her husband had just died, and a friend had oalled with the intention of consoling her. ' Ab,' ahe Baid, as Bhe wiped away a tear, ' there Ib one thing that comforts me. I do know where he is now at nights, which is more than I did when he was alive.' Here is one that Andrew Carnegie, the millionaire and philanthropist, is fond of quoting about a friend of hia in Pittsburgh, who for some time held the record for fast horses, but was one day beaten in a brush by a yonng man. The old gentleman disappeared for some time. He had gone to Kentucky to get a horse that wonld re-establish bis supremacy. He was being shown over a Btud, and had already gone past a long strins of horses with their records on the stall, and the victories they had won. Then he was taken through a long line of yonng horses with their pedigrees, from whioh the dealer was proving what they were going to do when they got on the track. Tne old gentleman, wiping his forehead— for it was a bot day —suddenly turned to tbe dealer and aaid : 1 Look here, stranger, you've shown me " have beens," and you've let me see your " going to be's," bnt wbat I am here for is an " is-er." '

It is seldom a romance is built ap round a patent medicine advertisement, but one, whioh has just come under tbe notice of writer, is worth ohronioling. A number of years ago a London youth, whose people were well to do, waa charmed by a pretty girl, and tbeir friendship soon ripened into a closer intimacy ; in faot, they were in love with eaoh other, but kept tbe little Beoret to themselves, owing to their extreme youth and the strictness of their respective parents. A time came when the young lady's people deoided to migrate to Aastralia, and though the lovers resolved to write to eaoh other, oommnnioation was never established, owing to the roving propensities of the travellers, who visited different colonies before definitely fixing on a site for a home. The young man subsequently deoided to oome to New Zealand, taking up his abode in this distriot, where, with a little capital at bis command, he has been doing well. Quite reoently, when casting bis eye over the advertising columns of a paper, he notioed a testimonial signed by the mother of bis first love, whom he had almost forgotten. Writing across, he successfully established the identity of the family, ancl he has now gone over with the 'intention of marrying anfl bringing hia fair bride to

There is one footballer down ay Manaia who cannot be accused of want of philosophy. Speaking at a dinner the other night he got off this :— ' Life is like a game of football. The man who kicks hardest succeeds the most.' A fireman at a recent dinner in a city down South was put up for the toast of 'The Ladies.' Ha was eloquent in wordß and also in brevity. He said : ' The Ladies — their eyes kindle the only flame against whioh there ia no insurance.' And he's tbe very best boy with the girls ever since. They are both of Ponsonby, and are engaged to be married, and they call eaoh other by their first names— Tom and Fanny. On a recent night he was telling her how he liked the name of Fanny, and how it sounded like music in his ear. ' I like the name bo well,' he added, as a sort of clincher to the argument, ' that when sister Clara asked m? to name her pet terrier, I at onoe called it Fanny, after you, dearest.' 'I don't think that was very nice,' aaid the fair girl, edging away ; 1 how would you like to have a dog named after you V ' Why, that's nothing !' said Tom, airily ; ' half the catß in the country are named after me.' They don't speak now. Anent the cure for drunkenness, the following is told about a clever contributor who was induced by an editor to undergo tbe treatment. He was a valuable man and well known, but given to fierce and frequent burets, and it waß tboaght to add sobriety to his other virtues. The writer went in and apent two or three weeka in the institution, then came out, and wrote for tbe dailies most glowing accounts of the splendid manner in whioh tbe establishment was oonducted, with oonfident assurances of the perfection of his own cure. He declared himself entirely cured of the craving for strong drink, and held himself up as an example of tbe extraordinary efficacy of the oure. The editor was delighted to hear all this, and, a few days later, meeting a relation of the writer, he oalled after him, and wanted to know why he had not oalled at the office. ' Did you ace his artioles on his cure printed in " The " and " The "?' aaked the relative. ' Yea,' waa tbe reply, ' and I waa delighted.' ' Well,' oontinued the relative, 'he got fifteen pounds from the proprietor of the " cure " for writing those, and he has never been sober since.' A certain mock Parliament, recently started in a oertain big suburb, waß lately broken np by an amußlng little incident. The floor was held by an eloquent member, who was dilating on the evils of gambling. ' I don't care, aaid the member, emphatically; 'I am' qnite positive that thiß sweep business is ruining the morals of our people, and I declare the sweep to be a most pernicious and degrading form of gambling. Its great popularity is evidence enough of the evil it works, and go where one will one meets with people of all ages and both sexes, who are investors in the Bhameful speculation. I Bay thiß : No matter who it ia, no man, woman or child oan invest a shilling, five shillings or a pound in one of theae sporting lotteries without being the worae for it morally, without getting some taint in the blood, and to win, I believe, ia a greater degradation than to lose.' Here he dived into hia pocket after statistics, and a little paper fluttered to tbe ground. A brother member seized it, and held it up for inspection. It waa a£l ticket in a Tattersall's consultation. ' Well, eh, I—l ' gasped the orator. 'At least I swear I have never won a penny.' But as a moral force all the wind was gone out of that member. The reason why a certain young man in tbe mining line, who haa always been known for hia evenness of temper, and who was recently married, was tearing round last week in a deuce of a temper, haa juat leaked out. To a friend he unburdened his trouble, and the atory has reached us. It appears that he sent his wife- to Melbourne, and aaked her to cable him a word or two when Bhe got to Sydney. The oable came, ac follows : — ' Dear George, — Arrived here safely fifteen after Bix. The boat was due at six, but we were delayed fifteen minuteß while en route. Had a perfectly lovely trip. Don't worry about me ; I'll get along all right. And take oare of yourself. Be bo oareful about taking oold this damp weather. Bemember that you are to keep on yonr flannels until the 15tb of July. Be sure to have the houae open and aired as often as possible. Bemember what I told you about your socks and shirts. Don't forget to keep the baok door looked. Write every day. I'm sure I'll have a lovely time. So good of you to let me go. ion muat oome over after me in August. For ever and ever yours, Mamie.' That'a what set bim off, and an hour later Mamie was pained to reoeive) the following reply to her ' word or two' — : 'Don't oable anything .from Melbourne. I'm a rained man if yon do.— George.'

A forlorn "widow— so the story goes in Newton— tbe third night after her husband's death, sat at the window watching the stars with sleepless eyes. < This trying to go to sleep,' she soliloquised, ' withoat a quarrel of some kind is so new that I oan't stand it.' Just then two men under her window fell to fighting. She watched the conflict to the end, then quietly undressed, saying, ' That's kind of home-like,' and in a few minutes was in bed and fast asleep. Two local and well-known dentists, both in a good way of business, were comparing notes reoently on the peculiarities of customers who oome to them in agony and 'took the ohair.' The palm was given to a oanny Soot, wbo oame in with a very troublesome tooth, whioh he wanted pulled out. We quote the dentist :— 1 1 said to bim, " It's a very ugly one.' I would advise you to have it oat by the pain leaa system. It is only a shilling extra." I showed the farmer the apparatus for administering gas, remarking that it would cause him to fall asleep for a minute, and before be awoke the tooth would be out. After a Blight resistance the sufferer consented, proceeding to open his purse, " Oh, never mind paying just now!" I Baid a bit kindly. "Hoots!'' answered the sufferer, " I wasn't thinking o' that ; bnt as I'm ga'en ta Bleep I thooht I wad like ta count ma siller fUßt."'

It happened at the Liedertafel concert, ln the oonrse of a gem by Madame Spada. An unhappy enthusiast, very short of stature, had a seat behind a formidable hat worn by a buxom matron who was en toying the performance immensely, whilst ber victim behind writhed and twisted ln bis effort to get a glimpse of tbe platform. At length be broke out In Erotest. ' Will yon please take off yonr at, madame; it is so high I really oan see nothing I' The matron smiled : ' I can't take off my bat,' she said ; ' bat here, yoa may bave my programme to sit on.' A smart yoang man played it low down on a tailor at Wanganni the other dav in a rather clever way. He ordered a suit of clothes, and told the tailor it weald be of no aae having them ready until a oertain time, when his cheque for work in tbe oountry would be available to liquidate the amount. True to time, he called. It was evening, and raining heavily. He said to Snip that he was glad he waa in time, but was awfully Borry tbat on arriving in town he had changed hia clothes hurriedly and left the cheque at home, and therefore, had oome on a fool's errand. Snip was sympathetic and told the young man that after coming ao long a distance, he would allow him to take the suit, distinctly on the underatanding that the money would be forthcoming in the course of a couple of days. The youth — oh, where, oh, where, ia he now ?