TIT BITS AND TWADDLE

Observer, Volume XXI, Issue 1177, 20 July 1901, Page 15

TIT BITS AND TWADDLE

A girl stowaway, eleven years old, was found recently at Melbourne on a steamer from Sydney, this being her second excursion. A new woman I A certain city man was probably not far out when the other morning, in answer to his youngest hopeful, he said that a bicycle built tor two was ' your mother's, my son. She rides it and lok an it.' She has cat her dead since Tuesday, and the way the breach ooourred was simple and most amusing. They had been down to see 'Faust,' and enjoyed it immensely— so much so, in faot, that on the way home they discussed, quite audibly and amidst a tramful of people, the- proper colours of the devil. One maintained that they were black and yellow, the other something else. At length ova of them remarked 'I think yon will find I am right, dear.' That closed the conversation, and aleo the friendship.

A few daw ago she JPapedin .B.M. had before him twenty own)* for overdue eajle in dredging eompMbtm. The olaims totalled op to £872 8* 63. That knocks Auckland's worst days of ' limited liabilities ' into smUhereenß. They say it was very fanny, when the volunteers were arriving in Christchurch, to note one company which hailed from WeBUaW.; In that company It took five men to carry>oneu)fficer's Isggtge, and as the nian wit* tbV wire; matjttejut came along there was 4 perfect roar and cries of • Where's the family V Auckland is not th&only place with . muddy streets. Tbe->Ma^boi< paper is urging that thelßmtifttejfiawettv'jin the present state of its Btreete, shoold alter its bioyoJe by-law, and make it prohibitive to ride ' a wheel ' off a footpath, the risk of drowning is so great. We're getting nearer by degreed to the definition of ' traveller.' One magistrate defines him in quite an original way. The difference between a traveller and a bona fide traveller, he says, is that the one is thirsty because he travels and the other travels because he is thinty. Stated of a oountry visitor daring the ducal celebrations that be was bo much impressed with the merits of a gas stove that he immediately went and purchased one and proudly presented it to his loving spouse. The; reticle many miles from any g4B works, and the purchaser of the stove is now woqdering how it is that it will not work.

Reported of a well-known clergyman in a certain Nortbarn town, that a week or two ago he received 22a 6d conscience money from an anonymous person, who averred that be bad cheated him at cards years before. Think of it. ' Are you,' he said, as he encircled her neck in his arms, ' are yon as fond of me as yon were of your first husband, dear ?' ' Wife : ' Yes, indeed : and if yon were to die, John, I would be jast as fond of my third lam not a woman to marry for anything bat love.' A prophecy of what It is coming to nnder the labour laws : Friend : ' What's op in the factory V Unionist : ' The boss wants to torn it into a co-operative institution, and make ns woik for a share of, the profits' 'Well, what's the mater with that idea?' 'There ißn't any profits.' A good story is being told of an ardent admirer of the Premier and the runaway inoldent daring the Danedin ! Daoal festival. The ardent admirer and a friend were talking over the incident. 'My word, that was a bad acoident,' observed the friend. 'It was,' replied the' other. ' The Premier might have been killed,' added the friend. ' Indeed, he might,' replied the axdent Seddonian, with' an air of sincerity ; > and, Heaven forgive me for saying it, I'd sooner see the Duke himself killed than the Premier 1 ' Which seems like appraising the incident at its spectacular worth.

' Ab, love, I would like to listen to you all night,' he said, as he arose to go, That was six months ago. They are married now, and the other . night he chanced to stay oat fifteen mlnntes after his mioal hoar of retarn, and he had hie desire gratified. Tne people at Christcharch who were presented to the Dake were awfully ' nervous. Some of them lost their heads entirely, and snooks hands with the Dake and qatte ignored the Daoheu. Foe a ' while it was great fan, and May enjoyed the hnmoor and pathos ; bat when the thing happened three or t oar times it grew ; monotonooß, and, aooording to thi' Times, ! she Bighcd deeply as she aaia, 'Snubbed I again, George I' A caution to the owners of dogs i which, utterly regaidlisss of consequences', 1 rash after bikißta and bark fiercely. Last week Mr Bishop, 8.M., at ObrtßtobHrtlh, gave judgment for £42 and cosl* In an . action brought by a oyolist against' a' '. publican whose- dogs nuked on* of the hotel aa he was panting, and» takings him ■ on both flanks, snapped and yelped around his manly' calves, while endeavouring to drive them off by kicking at them he loai control of his machine* ran into a tram- ; oar, was thrown and seriously hart. The 8 M. said he had not' the slfgriteat donbt that the doga were the reaV cause of 4he accident. 'If «he defertdant keepe doga which behave to pasmniby in the manner desoribed by the witnesses, he can, in my opinion, be fairly bekj respoMible for what la the probable aeralt of the aotof the dogs.'

For unconscious humour we don't know that we have seen better than this for weeks. II was reee>ed by a sheep. : farmer in Walpawa from a Napier mercantile firm :— ' Pear ttir,-r-We bAy« mnoh "pleasure" in informing jon Mat your " wool shipped by the — — reunited in a loss of £86 5i 4d.' At the winter chow in Dunedln, held while the Duke was there and under his patronage. His Highness saw a wry Iwrge^heese. HewaslooMng*t it«amestly\ when someone remarked thai! being such a monster it ought to be called; ' The Doke.' • No,' remarked the Duke, ' being snob a monster it ought to be christened after Mr Seddon.' And the people thonght and thought. The Cook County Council, down Gieborne way, is getting on. At its laM meeting the chairman r« ad the statement pf accounts, which Bhowed an overdraft for the month ended Jane of £9,291. The Gonneil is now, as a matter of course, ' looked op to,' as any of as ought to be, and generally are, who have a good big debt. Lucky Gook County. Why She Wept. 1 Why do you weep ?' I said, For (ears were in her eyes ; Sbe looked op timidly— Qaite taken by surprise. Then, through her falling tears, A tender smile revealing, Sbe simply pointed to— The onionß she was pealing. There is a very conscientious constable down at Garterton. His name 1b Smith. Being possessed of olive branohes —and what constable is not ?— he Bhonld have thoaght of registering the last one at the proper time. But be did not. The consequence was that he bad to lay an information against himself for failing to regieter, offer an explanation as defendant, and submit to a fine of ss, and don't do it again. She is a Parnell gul of ready wit and some enthusiasm, and the other night she was telling a friend of her recent conquest. 'He just asked me to be his wife,' Bbc said. ' Oh, I'm bo delighted. And how did it happen ?' ' Well, he just asked me and I said 'Yee,' and then he stood np and folded bis arms.' ' What I He was not more interested than that ?' • Oh, but yon see, I was in them when he folded them.' And it dawned upon the other that that was the difference. An Auckland doctor— never mind bis name —is telling this, at his own expense. He was called upon the other day, il seems, by a man With a very grave face, who told him that be was very ill. The doctor, after looking at his tongue and Bounding him, asked him if he had consulted anyone else. 'Oh, yes,' Bald the man, ' I went to see a chemist and asked his advice, and he ' ' Chemist t' the dootor broke in; 'what was the good of that? The best thing that you ban do when the chemist gives yon' a bit of advice is to do exactly the opposite.' ' And he,' the patient continued, 'advised me to come and see you ' The proposal to make it illegal to sell tobacco to boys under Sixteen recalls a oaße that occurred at Richmond, Victoria. It is printed by Punch, and Bhows how this law works in the liquor trade :— ' Two boys went' into an hotel and asked for two big been. . The publican looked over the bar counter and Bald : "Go away, we don't serve little boys." The publican told the rest, of the story in court wh«n he appeared with a-black eye and his chin in a Bllng to answer a charge of serving children. " One of them objected to being palled a little boy, your worships, and defied me to oome -over, the bar* and pnt him; out. £ fought-three rouods with him, your war"shlow," added- the defendant, dolefully. " Well," said the magistrate, " what did yon do after that ?" " I served them with the drink." Case dismissed. This is what the tobacconists fear. A while ago a New Plymouth merchant, on ills retttfn from atrip Home, gnya a Bpflech on wh%t M ha 4 a^en, and to the worse. Dt |l t «*|d tiwdthq 'Ageatr General's office, the: presumable -sbowr room for New Zealand^ products, was pstnttJ!g buY» hioilber-roomj with more robbtsh than prtidootß, and evertomijg littered *hoiUV Jmfi l*w£ji» » 1 »@« >P pttenUy, »tns Victoria ©ffice. . In that . offibio there is a raatble bust which had so lmJ^ bieeo. ; negfeeied thai tbe aooumrilsr tlpM of dilrt' and ' dirt made it 100k _ L more . UJte, a bust in ebo,ny. One day a .vhltor, ewniningtiHe fixore,. safd : ' Ah,* ,lhj^ li ratlithri good.' But* of an . Aus&tMais , abeVigibfV I pretume/ After- that *he bffiee>Boy was set to work to giv* the iiust a good iquare bath, when it shone •forth agaio 4n •* Jta prls^^tfr^aM the, marble representation of a former Premier.