Tit Bits AND TWADDLE

Observer, Volume XVIII, Issue 1024, 13 August 1898, Page 15

Tit Bits AND TWADDLE

In view of the fact that in Auckland about nine out of every twelve bankrupts make large assignments to their wives, it may be worth recording that the wife of a Pahiatua bankrupt has offered the whole of her freehold property.

On the ferry steamer. A wild night. The wind was howling, etc. She: lls there any danger, dear ?' He : ' Don't be frightened ; lam with you.' She : 1 Can you swim, Bill ?' He : ' What a question I I used to play football in Wellington.' She was satisfied.

The Maoris of Parihaka are going to launch out on a water supply scheme, and are setting aside £200 for the service. This means that they intend running their little village on temperance or ablntionary lines, or perhaps both; and as these are vices to which the noble savage is not usually addicted, the result of the water scheme will be watched with interest. .

The bept stories against ' the cloth ' that we read are told by the Auckland Christian Worker. Here is the latest : 'Now, Thomas,' said a certain bishop, after taking his servant to task, ' who is it that sees all we do, and hears all we Bay, and knowß all we think, and who regards even me in my bishop's robes as bat a vile worm of the dust ?' And Thomaß replied, ' The missus, Bir.'

' How did this happen ?' asked the surgeon, as he dressed the wound in the cheek and applied a soothing poultice to the damaged eye. ' Got hit with a stone,' replied the patient. 'Who threw it?' ' My — my wife,' was the reluctant answer. ' Ham ; it's the first time I knew a woman to hit anything she aimed at,' mattered the snrgeon. ' She was throwing at the neighbour's hens,' explained the sufferer. ' I was behind her.'

By advertisement in one of the dailies, Quiz learns that a 'young man needs butchering.' There are no reasons assigned. It is not even stated whether it is a voluntary sacrifice or that his people have got tired of keeping him. Perhaps he proposed to the wrong girl and was accepted ; or possibly it is the near approach of poetical Spring that is responsible for his condition.

At the Hastings public school examinations last week, Inspector Hill, in addressing one of the classes on freedom as contrasted with slavery, asked one little girl what it was that a man in prison missed most. Without falter or hesitation the little lady glibly replied, ' Please, sir, his beer.' The inspector is in & fair way of recovery, and is now wondering if her answer may not have been correct after all.

A Pakuranga incident. He was after the farmer's daughter, bat one night he was forcibly ejected from the house. Later on he made another call. 'Well, sir,' said the old farmer, indignantly, ' what are you doing here again ? I thought that the delicate hint I gave you as you left my front door last night would cure you.' And the speaker looked at his caller in a reminiscent way. 'It did,' said the young man, as a look of mingled pain and admiration came over his face ; ' but I thought I would come and ask yon if you wonld like to join the Howick Football Club.'

A Continental fiend has on hand the realisation of a dream of what he calls city locomotion. He dreamt of electric tricycles, and the ' realisation ' is to be a fairy automaton that will do anything almost that is asked of it, not with the ugly knob of the bicycle, but with a dainty Beat covered with black velvet, and trimmed off with white silk lace and insertion ; and towards evening they will be seen seating comely matrons, with pretty babies swinging in the front, and behind her a copper tea-kettle' full of water coming to the boil, as the motor races her home to get ' hubbies tea ready. Beaching the kitchen, it is Bkilfully clamped to its position in a moment ; and around the front wheel is a belt by which it patiently prepares the bread and butter, spanks the big boy into obedience if needed, frolics baby until it almost chokes for joy, does the washing, and fifty other tasks that may be assigned.

A lady who runs ah infant school in one of the West Coast coal mining townships offered a prize the other week to the scholar who came to the school with the cleanest faceV- She:, declares, that on the following day she didn't know half her pupils. -

The following is said to have been the best conundrum ever invented :— "What is the difference between a gardener, a billiard-marker, a gentleman, and a verger? The first minds his peas, the second minds his cues, the third minds his p's and q's, the fourth minds his keys and pews.

Napier boasts among its residents a client as canny as they make 'em. Recently he bought an art union ticket, which in a moment of desperate generosity, he gave away to a girl friend. And, when he learned that the ticket had drawn a prize, a sewing machine, he went to the girl and asked for its return. And he got it, and is hugging himself now on his smartness.

The residents of St. Clair, a marine suburb near Dunedin, had a nnique experience the other day. The sea is gradually encroaching on the land, and has now reached the esplanade on which several houses are built. On this particular wing the Bea decided to step inside and interview the inhabitants, and varied the programme by doing considerable damage to the foundations of the houses. And the residents, without waiting to dress, fled in their pyjamas and other night-wear.

From Parnell. Servant (answering bell) : 'My master isn't in, sir. You may leave the bill if you wish.' Caller (in surprise) : « Bill ? I have no bill — I wish to ' Servant (in surprise aho) : •No bill t Then you must have called at the wrong house.'

Among the defendants at Dunedin S.M. Court the other day was a man whose birth certificate claimed him for the year 1815, and he is stated to have certainly looked that age. He was a very accurate defendant, as shown by his answer to a question concerning a letter from counsel on the opposition side. ' Did you receive that letter from Mr So-and-So ?' asked the lawyer. ' No, I did not,' was the emphatic reply. 'Not from the gentleman who signs that letter ?' • No. 1 ' Then from whom did you receive it ?' and the Court smiled loudly as the octogenarian slowly answered, ' From the post-boy.' A good story is being told of an Australian university professor who had evinced great technical knowledge of the various parts of the bicycle, and who entertained very decided opinions upon the proper position to assume when riding. One afternoon some of his students persuaded him to give them a lesson on bike deportment, but the litterateur measured his length on the green sward at the first attempt to mount. The audience expressed surprise at the denouement. ' Well, you see, boys, explained the crestfallen professor, ' I'm up in theory, but down in practice.'

A wily Maori defendant who was saed for debt the other day at the Napier Court told the Bench that if he was not dead by Christmas he would pay the amount, but if he was he should not. The Court accepted the proviso.

' We are wasting two millions a year in this country on drink,' declared Sir Bobert Stout at a recent meeting in Wellington. Then he was brought up short by an inquiry from the hall of ' And how much on lawyers ?' 'No doubt we waste a great deal on lawyers ' was the answer, ' but there would be fewer of them if there was less drink.'. Woman's declining years are tween' The ages, say, of sweet sixteen And twenty-two. Bat after that pray have a care,' And how yon give a chance beware — For she'll accept you t

The following summary of an interesting little libel action may be interesting to pbotographers. A Customs clerk named Lundin brought an action in the Port Elizabeth Magistrate's Court against a photographer named Bole, for exhibiting in a window a photograph of the plaintiff, with the following acroli attached :— 'This gentleman, Mr Lnndin, will much oblige by paying the balance for hia portraits, which has been standing since September, 1897. I suppose this is another sample of Christianity as it is practised.' A verdict for the plaintiff for £5 damages and costs was entered.