TIT. DITS AND TWADDLE

Observer, Volume XVIII, Issue 1023, 6 August 1898, Page 15

TIT. DITS AND TWADDLE

A Wellington paper persistently refers to Dick Seddon aa ' George Washington Seddon.' We Bhould Bmile 1

The church was ever ready to adapt itself to circumstances. An Edinburgh parson recently stated that ' Sunday cycling is largely a matter of conscience.' Picton must be an all-round onehorse show. Some people wanting to hire a horse and trap the other day went all round the city and couldn't get one at any price. * News is very scarce in Tauranga just at present. It must be, when the local ' buster ' stops the press to announce through its news columns that the wife of a local boniface has been safely delivered of a daughter.

Wellington sta,nds a tidy chance ot losing the only distinction it ever possessed. At Nelson the other day—according to a truthful contemporary — a new school building, almost completed, was hurled off the piles by the force of the wind, and whon last seen was winging its way towards the blue Pacific.

1 You will hardly find a shanty in the colonies without the leg of a grand piano sticking out of tha back door,' said the Bishop of Chriatchurch in an address the other night. At Home in the country districts, said His Lordship, one wonld probably not find two pianos in a village, and then they would be out of tune to an atrocious degree.

Sydney Truth tells of a Northern River race meeting recently, at which a watch was offered as a prize for the worstlooking woman on the ground. The judge (a local man) nominated his owu wife, and to the surprise of everyone awarded her the prize. Report does not say how he fared when the wife got him home and by himself.

Inventions occasionally come from unexpected quarters. Take the case of Ah Pat, a storekeeper at Inglewood, who is applying for a patent for an improved bicycle crank. But what is wrong with the other kind of crank ? Also, two mining agents of Wellington seek to patent an improved potato cleaner and peeler, and a Wellington butcher one for an improved music turner.

A clergyman was angling one day for tront on a Highland stream, when he came across some boys gudding with their sleeves and trousers rolled up. ' I say, boye,' exclaimed tho minister, ' are you not ashamed to be catching the poor trout in that way, gudding for them with your hands under the Btones ? You know that it is not a fair way of catching them.' The boys looked up in astonishment, and one of them, bolder than the rest, replied, ' Gae away, mon ; it's yersel' who shonld be ashamed, trying to cheat 'em wi' sham flees.'

. A prohibition order on the ' saving clause ' principle" was applied for at the Stipendiary Magistrate's Court at Timaru last week. A sheep dealer, living in the conntry, applied, through counsel, for an order against himself, the order to exempt from its operation certain country ' pubs ' at which he must call for a night'a lodging from time to time, when travelling in pursuit of his calling. The S.M. aaiot it would be rather a farce to make au order aaying that the man ahould not go into certain houses and get drink, while he might go into others. The applicant then consented to an unrestricted order being isßued.

He is an old-established Auckland barber, and is noted as much for his absent mindedneßs as for his verbosity on every topic going. He was in a bellicose mood the other morning. ' The Americans are giving them Spanish an awful lickin' sir, ain't they?' he commenced. There was no answer, but the barber, not a bit discouraged, went on, ' Them foreigners 'aye no chance with Anglo-Saxons when it cornea to real fighting, 'aye they ?' There was Btill no answer, and the barber, a little surprised and annoyed at the unusual reticence of the victim, stopped shaving. Then he realised the situation, and knew that he was being dominated by habit. He had been shaving himself, not a customer.

The Young Man (timidly).— Er— you are a very strict Churchman, I believe, Mr Fillepop ? Mb Fillepop. — Yes ; I observe all the fasts and feasts of the Church, young man ; especially do I observe Lent. I always make it a point to give up some pleasure or source of pleasure dnring Lent. The Young Man.— Well— er— if yoo will parden the suggestion -would you mind giving np your daughter ?

The landlord of a country hotel in England objects to 'middle-sex ladies,' i.e., ladies in rational dress, arid refuses them refreshment and house room.

A Queensland cyclist, who was- recently summoned to answer to the oharge of running down an old lady, gave the excuse that when he rang his bell she tried to escape in several directions at once. We all know that old lady.

There is a man advertising in Wellington demanding that he should be prosecuted for. perjury. He must have been reading up the s*ory of the prisoner who pleaded guilty and was acquitted because no one ever knew him to speak the truth.

' Where do you want to go ?' asked the man in charge of the Arcade elevator. ' I want to go to heaven, my man,' smilingly answered the Salvation Army officer who had stepped inside, ' but you may put me off at the top floor.' ' Ton must have got in the wrong building, mister,' rejoined the elevator man. 'There ain't nobody bnt lawyers and financial agents on the top floor.'

There was recently placed iv the ladieß* waiting room at the Hawera railway station a box with the legend printed oh it ' Please take one,' and containing leaflets advocating the prohibition cause. Some practical joker not in sympathy with the great movement must nave tampered with the box, as the other day the necksjof several black bottles were prominently sticking out of it just over the mvi. ation toj Pidise take one.'

Potatoes are sold singly, now, in Sydney. A shilling a dozen is the figure asked, and they are getting it, too.

A Melbourne paper seriously stated that ' it is worthy of note that the Spanish Consul was amongst those who called ' (at the U.S. reception).

The ruling passion. A youthful witness in the Wellington Supreme Court the other day couldn't for the life of him remember the date of an accident, but was positive as to the date of the WellingtonTaranaki football match, which was played about the same time last year.

' Down below ' is a phrase with an uncomfortable meaning sometimes. When, therefore, the other day a Dunedin parson at the ciose of the Bermon told his congregation he hoped to meet many of them by-and bye ' down below,' it caused a big sensation. He -forgot to explain that a prayer meeting was iri his mind's eye when he issued hia invitation, and the ' down be-, low ' in his case was the floor of the church he waß preaching in.

Here is a striking instance of unsentimental Tommy Atkins, as supplied in an account of Good Friday's battle at Atbara. While the troops were bivouacking in the desert the night before the battle, the correspondent overheard a sentimental Seaforth Highlander say to a comrade, ' Ah, Tarn, how many thousands there are at hame across the Bea thinking o' us the nicht.' ' Right, Sandy,' replied his chum, ' and how many millions there are that don't care a . Go to sleep, you fool.' And silence again fell upon that corner of the square.

It is said that a very old resident of an Illawarra (N.S.W.) suburb, who can neither read nor write, religiously goes through a portion of the formula of voting at every election. Only a portion, because he never gets to the extent of erasing any name— a fact which is invariably disclosed by the presence in the ballot-box of an unmarked paper.

' Gentlemen,' you do not use your faculties of observation,' Baid the old professor, addressing his class. Here he pushed forward a gallipot containing a chemical of exceedingly offensive smell. ' When I was a student,' he continued, ' I used my senße of taste.' And with that he dipped his finger in the gallipot and then pnt his finger in his mouth. ' Taste it, gentlemen — taßte it,' said the professor, ' and exerciße your perceptive facultiea.' The gallipot was pushed towards the reluctant class. One by one the students resolutely dipped their fingers into the concoction, and with many a wry face sucked the abomination from their fingerß. * Gentlemen, gentlemen,' said the professor, ' I must repeat that you do not use your faculties of observation ; for, had you looked more closely at what I was doing, you would have seen that the finger which I put in my . mouth waa not the finger which I dipped in the gallipot.'

An inferential slur on politicians was caßt by one of the South Australian Labour Members in a recent no-confidence debate, when he said, ' There is no disgrace in honest work. I have done it before, and I may have to do it again.'

A Victorian judge has a story o£ an old court crier that he is fond of telling. One day during the hearing of a case a lawyer fell asleep at the table, and as he snored rather loudly, the crier approached him, and poked him energetically. ' Here, Mr ,' he said, when at length he bad awakened the offender, ' you must not snore here. You are not a judge yet, you know.'

A clerical goak. ' The Colonel and I have,' said a rev. gentleman at the opening of a Southern Salvation . Army Barracks last week, 'fought together. Fortunately,' he added, 'we were on the same side.' Here Colonel Hoskin stood beside the rev. gentleman. ' You see,' said the latter, 'he has the weight.' 'Yes,' retorted the Colonel, ' but you have the reach.' ' Here then,' quietly remarked the cleric, 'we have an example of the length and breadth of Christianity,' and the congregation smiled.

Sultry language is prevalent in political circles in New South Wales just now. One member referred, to Premier Reid the other day as ' a greaßed pig,' without exciting^ any particular resentment.

- In Tasmania, it is said, nobody hurries. And their railway service is about on a par with ours. It ia related that not so very long ago, some of the passengers got out to gather wild flowers by the way, catching the same train at the next station.

The big egg wheeze is again going the rounds of the Southern papers. According to one of them Picton comes smilingly forward with the egg of a duck ten inches by eight in circumference, and stakeß ita reputation on the correctness of the measurements.

A publican down South flatly refused a week or two ago to allow the body of a dead man to bo admitted to his hotel, because it was ' tha£ of a prohibited person ' under the Licensing Act. And his objection turned out to be a perfectly valid one, too.

An English bishop was a guest at Hawarden Caatle, and joined in a conversation with Mrs Gladstone and others concerning the Armenian atrocities. ' There is one above who knows,' piously concluded the bishop. ' Yes,' replied Mrs Gladstone ; ' he'll be down in a minute or two. He's upstairs washing his hands just now.'

A Chinese witness in an alleged robbery case at New Plymouth the other day vas given his depositions to Bign. He spent some time over the job, and at length handed np the sheets, to each of which he had affixed some startling-look-ing hieroglyphics, resembling pioture frames and other articlea, but which he swore was hiß name in Chinese characters. The Clerk of the Court nearly took a fit, and objected. The witness suggested that he be allowed to make his mark, as he could not write English. This course was- ultimately adopted.

Auckland housekeepers have their grievances about servants, but they may thank their stars that they are not in Sydney just now. There, servantgalism seems to be rampant. An exodus of the capable girls is said to have taken place to Westralia, and except those in actuations only the riff raff appear to be left in the city. One friend of ours over there has tried four girls, in six weeks, and had to get rid of them all. One of the number, who seemed to be fairly satisfactory in other respects,tried after a few days to blackmail her employer by accusing him of opening a letter which she had asked him to post, and getting a lawyer's letter sent to him, and it was only by showing fight, and getting hia own lawyer to reply, that she was frightened off the grasß.- Needless to say, that young lady went packing.

In an operetta entitled ' The French Maid ' are seven stanzas, each with a Sifferent spokesman^ devoted to the present foreign situation. . Cuba, Spain, France, Germany, Russia, John Bull and Uncle Sam all have their say. Spain observes : — ' I am the dignified Don of Spain, Who treated with haughty and proud disdain The benevolent offers of Uncle Sam (Whose benevolent offers I think are shan*, So I said : " No, thankee, You Moody and Sankey Hanky-panky Yankee! " >

Uncle Sam remarks : — ' I'm Uncle Sam— you bet. That's me Who crowed so loud in a merry key ! With my New York Herald to bravely announce „ In headlines of gigantic types How I the Don intend to tronnce He shall soon see stars and feel my stripes. So, jest come on, You dignified Don, And I'll give you Yankee Spanfey ! '

The discussion on the Victorian Licensing Bill reminds Melbourne Punch of rather a good story concerning a member who takes a great interest in the drink question. When the House was sitting late one nigbt he wended hiß way to the refreshment rooms. * I>m very thirsty,' he exclaimed to the attendant, ' and would like a little mild ale.' 'We have Borne of Blanko, which is very mild, sir.' ' Bring me a big glass, then.' While waiting for the quencher, another member, also a teetotaller — one who oannot see the drink question aa a sphere with two sidea, but as a line, and that line the identical one on which he was moving — arrived on the scene. The attendant brought the big glass as ordered, but the thirst had undergone a rapid change. ' What's this?' queried the thirsty one. 'The beer you ordered, air.' ' Beer ! I never ordered beer ; bring me a cup of coffee.' The attendant retired in confusion, and tho hope of suburban tea - meetings breathed again at his narrow escape from having drunk of the cnp that cheers, but does inebriate, in the presence of a brother teetotaller.