Tit Bits and Twaddle

Observer, Volume XVI, Issue 950, 13 March 1897, Page 11

Tit Bits and Twaddle

Our fast New Zealand trains again 1 A man has jnst been convicted at Palmerston of chasing a train and boarding it after it had proceeded a quarter of a mile on its journey.

They have a smart youngster up at the Pitt-street Wesleyan Sunday-school. Asked one Sunday lately in what condition the patriarch Job "was at the end of his life, ne solemnly replied, ' Dead.' And hia teacher could not deny it, either.

The natives up in the Hot Lakes district conduct their nuptial ceremonies on a scale of some magnitude. On Saturday week eight blushing brides were led to the altar at the same time by eight gallant and dusky grooms, and no stronger beverage than ginger ale marked the festivities The natives of Te Ngae have sworn off.

The Wellington Benevolent Trustees sat down rather severely last week upon an applicant for a wooden leg. One of the trustees declared he had seen the cripple skipping along the street the previous day as if nothing were the matter with him, but suspicion deepened into conviction when later on he saw the same individual drunk as a lord being hoisted into an express .

He had just arrived from the country, and was bound for the Premier Picnic at the Lake. Accompanied by his best girl, he strolled into Rushbrook and Cos. to get a new tile, the Howick brand which he wore being rather out of date. After trying on a large and varied assortment of hatd-hitters, he said, ' It's rather hard to get a hat suited to my head.' "Whereupon, with a sly glance at Rushbrook's young man, the best girl demurely said, ' Why don't you try a soft hat ?' But Johnny Raw never saw it.

They were discussing their luncheon at the Metropolitan, and were review-* ing a social party up at Parnell to which they had been the previous night. ' How is it you didn't sing, old man?' asked Diner No. 1 ; ' I saw you brought in a pile of music with yon.' ' Oh,' said Diner No. 2, 'it's all owing to that confounded Mrß Joskins. She's not a bit musical, you know, and when I offered to sing " Oh, Promise Me," in which they tell me I make a really big hit, she Baid quite loudly, so that half the company might hear her, she would-promise anything if I wouldn't. I never met such a rude woman — worst of all they began to laugh, and I Blid.'

" There was great excitement among the members of theWaihi ttifle Club last week. The .occasion was a prize-firing match for a bottle ot whisky, a pair of trousers, a cake, and a leg of mutton. But it was the whisky that fetched them, and the rain was not able to keep them away. They were far too dry to give heed to rain.

Mary had a little pug, / But not aB you suppose, Because it's not of canine breed ; The pug is in her nose .

A small North Shore boy went fishing last Sunday instead of turning up at Sunday school. On Monday morning, a juvenile friend caught up to him and asked : ' Catch anything yesterday ?' • Not till I went home,' was the plaintive reply. But the steamer was about to leave the wharf, and we had no time to wait for the explanation. Nor was it necessary.

There is a pious settler down Timaro way who gets his living by the sweat of other men's brows. His little plan, when aome inevitable tramp comes along with aching feet and empty pockets, and begs for a bite or a bed, is to set the applicant to work on the farm. In return for his labour he gets his ' tucker,' but nary a red cent with it, and when the boss sees him wearily depart, after doing a heavy day's -work, worth, six or seven shillings at market rates, he. rubs his hands and softly murmurs to himself, • A stranger, and I took him in.'

The good man was from home when the burglars called in at a suburban villa, not far down South, one night lately. But the lady of the house was not a-bed, and hearing strange noises in the drawingroom, proved gnite equal to the emergency. There waß a large paper bag lying on a table, and, blowing it up, she broke it on the wall with a loud report. The thieves, thinking it was a pistol report, dropped their plunder, and were out of the window like greased lightning.

Dance's cow appears to be First Robber at Waihi, and to be putting up quite a record there. She crawled through a fence the other night and made Bhort work of four rows of turnips, 17 vegetable marrows, three dozen tomatoes, and a miscellaneous assortment of carrot-tops, dahlias, and cucumbers. There was a war-dance at that homestead next morning, but the ' coo ' is still alive.

They say at Wellington that Wanganui iB intensely jeftlouß of the glory of the Empire City. They feel it more than ever juat now at Cook Strait, because Wellington can no longer boast of the unique possession of a hermit. Wanganui has now one of her own. He has just entered into business in a cave down at the .Bluff, and his stock-in-trade consists of a suit of clotheß very much the worse for wear, a blanket, and a couple of articles of tinware. Bat at Wanganui this is regarded as quite sufficient to divert the stream of SSP2?* T traffic from Island Bay to the J?lnff . It is expected that there will soon be a dry cave to let down at Cook Strait. Advance, Wanganui I

- Haweraisfast recovering from its school-kissing excitement, and' is going wild now over a boy (locally raised) who. one of the local papers Bays, haß six toes affixed to each band, bothot which haveamextra flnßer. The comp. had been rather long out in the sun before 'setting up 'that par. He had called to pay the rent, and wanted a reduction. • xer house iB very unconvanient,' he said. • The saleings is too low and the dure is the same.' 'Is there anything about the house that iB high enongh to suit you ?' growled the landlord. 4 Indade, then, there is that.' • What is it ?' « The rint, be jabers !'

She was up before the beak for driving by night without a light. Her excuse was that she had a lantern, but forgot before starting to put a candle in it. ' Ah,' mused the Jai Pee, ' just like the foolißh virgin who forgot her oiJ.' To which defendant said with asperity, « l'd have you know I'm not a foolish virgin at all. I'm a decent married woman with four children.' He apologised.

There was a rather awkward ' bowlout ' for some one at a Queen-street pastrycook's during the luncheon hour the other day. Two ladies, accompanied by two little girls, were seated at one of the tables giving their orders. The ladies asked for ginger-ale, but the younger child of the two wanted something a little different. ' I'll tate some square-gin peese,like mamma always has at home,' she said. But it was rather rude of the other lunchers to laugh so loudly. Mamma wanted them to hear her explanation that it was only by the doctor's orders she took gin at home.

There's a masher up the Wairarapa who got home in a rather damaged state the other night, and has been undergoing repairs ever since. And the yarn is now going abroad that he had been paying court to a buxom Maori damsel, who seemed to rather like his attentions. But, unfortunately for the masher, Bhe was married, and her husband did not view the delicate attentions in the same light as she did. So he collected a war party of his relations, and when they had finished with Lothario, it is said that he looked for all the world as if he had been playing football with a team of elephants.

It is not often that the frugal Chinaman patronises the tram. But one of them did so last week. He was bound for Newmarket, and seemed impressed with the fact that all the male passengers who got off en route disdained to wait for the car to stop. So, when they reached the Royal George, and it came his turn to get out, he Baid to the conductor as he stepped on the footboard, ' Never mind the ling, I jumpee out like the other men.' Then, taking an extra reef in his blouse with both hands, he did jumpee out all right, but it was at right angles to the car, and after landing on both feet, he bounced up and came down again on his left shoulder and e»r. ' Allee samefoolee,' was his parting yell as he picked himself up and the car sped on its way.

There is a good yarn extant about a man who went Home to float an alleged gold mine. He was popular among the brethren of his church, and they arranged a farewell meeting in his honour. The proceedings were opened with prayer, in which the hope was expressed that Providence would smile upon the mission of Brother . Then followed the speeches, and every speaker of course harped upon the prevailing note that ' our dear brother will be entirely successful.' In fact the thing got so monotonous that a friend of this very popular saint thought he would import a little variety into his own particular speech. So he rose and Baid, 'I, too, sincerely hope that our friend will be successful ' — here ne made a slight pause .— ' in floating his gold mine, because lhappen to hold some of the shares.' That was the only honest note struck during the evening, and yet they said it was the device of an enemy to upset the harmony of the gathering.

It happened at Sydney during the recent strike over on the other side. A belated Labour delegate got home in a rather elevated condition atone a.m., and thundered at the door of his mansion for' admittance. By and bye, the window overhead was opened, and a carl-papered head peered out into the darkness. 4 Oh, it's you,' a sharp feminine voice said ; « what do you mean by staying out to this unearthly hour?' 'Itsh a' rightsh, Maria,' hiccoughed the Labour delegate on the of the Union, you know ; mosht important buishness. Been conshidering what we'd do about the recent shtrike, ye see.' Then - the wife from up aloft snapped out with a = snort, 'Oh! indeed; well, just sit down on i the doorstep and you'll have time to con- i. aider what you'll do about the present . Ci lock-out.' And Bhe slammed down the window. He was still considering the * position when the last of the listening 1 neighbours got to roost again. -^