Tit Bits and TWADDLE

Observer, Volume XVI, Issue 949, 6 March 1897, Page 11

Tit Bits and TWADDLE

Nelson claims prior notice in. the matrimonial line Just now. In a marriage solemnised by. the Rev. Mr Prior last week; the bride was fourteen years and ten months . old, while the groom was just twenty-one.

They had some queer ' furriners ' giving evidence in an international Bquabble at the Masterton Magistrate's Court the other day. '■. For instance, the delightfully explicit statement of one little German gentleman is. that ' she said - somedings about aomedinga, but vat dat somedings vas I vas not tell.'

They were out sailing in the harbour on Saturday afternoon. He was at the tiller and one -arm was round her waist as she said, ' I wonder what makes the waves so wild out there ?' and she pointed over to Kauri Point. 'Oh,' he jauntily replied, 'I expect it's because the wind ia giving them a blowing up.'

It was market day in Dnrhamstreet, and the customer who strolled into a Queen-street restaurant looked as if he were fresh from the turnip field. 'I want two poached eggs on toast,' be said. ' Yes, sir,' answered the smart and polite waiter. ' And be sure,' added Joskins, ' and have them fresh laid.' ' Yea, sir,' again remarked the waiter without the ghost of a smile, ' I'll have 'em laid on the toaet, sir.'

Two portly dames were returning homeward in the Ponsonby tram the other afternoon and entertained the rest of the passengers with all sorts of interesting family gossip. ' Reading ' said Mrs A., 'is quite a passion with my husband.' 'So it is with mine. 1 said Mrs 8., ' when he reads my milliner's bills.' The audience laughed so loudly that the conversation got no forrarder. They had not known they were overheard.

The verbal volleys of the flailflourishing driver of the obstinate ox used to gain him the blue ribbon for profanity in tbese colonies, but "with the disappearance of the bullock- dray it would seem that the locale of the honour has shifted to the peaceful cow-byre. Down South an assertion made the other day that a witness had stood in his yard swearing for half an hour, caused a Magistrate to yell and stare with amazement, till it was explained that the provocation was the bailing up of milch cows, and this was accepted as fully accounting for the outburst. - . .

•Ther. finest ruin ln-Canterbury ' is the derisive way in which, a recent visitor to Christchurch referred :to> its Cathedral. The foundations were laid 30 years ago, and' the structure is not finished yet. . -

:in one" 6T the Southern towns a marriage took place the other day between a sportive gentleman long known as 'Pint of Beer Arthur' and the proprietress of a lemonade factory. It is suggested that the couple, between them, form shandygaff.

'I know that you're fond of kissing,' . he said, . She blushed to her finger-tipa, < I know it, because (he stole one of them) I have it from your own lips !'

The rejected' lover in a country township down South took a mean revenge upon. his former best girl. He. was the church organist, and after the wedding ceremony, he played the happy couple out of chnrch to the tune *of 'He's got an Elephant on his Hands.' That explains why he received no share of the weddingcake.

He was a lawyer, rather young at the business, .and the witness, a tall, thin man— so thin that almost anybody might have Been through him, let alone a lawyer — had given evidence which rather spoiled the case of thiß smart young counsel. Therefore it was in a severe and wonnded tone that the junior member of the Bar asked : ' And what do yon do for a living, sir?' ' I live by my brains,' replied the witness. The man of law looked him up and down, and 'No wonder you're so thin,' he said.

There must have been nice goingson at the Wellington city election in December. It seems that ' a fellow ' put tickets down ladies' necks, and sometimes put his arm around them. And yet they kept quiet until the election petition came to Court.

He was a new boy at theWellesleystreet school, and it was his first essay on poultry. 'Geese,' he wrote 'is a nasty animal, for they will jump up your back and beat you with their feathers,' and • the turkese is a large kind of hen ; if they see red they will run after you and pick you, and thatpart will be acking for a few days after.' He wrote feelingly on this subject.

The express from New Plymouth had just arrived at Eatea. An Aucklander was aboard who felt rather peckish after his seasickness of the previous night. - v As he grabbed for his hat he said to a fellow traveller, ' Does the train stop here long enough to let you get something to eat ? The other traveller had been there before.' Hence his reply, • No ; just long enough to let you pay for what you order/

There is trouble brewing at Palmerston for one of the local church choirs. The report is abroad that the members are to be conrt-martialled for indulging in ' the light fantastic ' at the wind-up of a recent picnic. If they had only gone in for ' kiss-in-the-ring ' nothing would have been said. All the bald-headed elders could have taken a hand in that kind of fun.

I The latest toast comes from Dunedin. •The ladies 1 Gdd bless them* V Formerly our superiors, * nowv out equals I' And they don't aeem to like it, either. ";...

K_ Down South/they are busy breaking records in big vegetable and fruit | pro'ducta. Greytown, in the Wairarapa, claims distinction for the champion mushroom, 12 inches across, arid 40 in circum- ~ ference — arid' Ghristchurch makes a bid • for fame with its monster onions. The champion pumpkin match is still -being contested in heats, but the biggest liar is sure to win. * • •

There was a sign upon a fence — The sign was ' Paint '-— And everybody that went by, Sinner and saint, Pat out a finger and touched the fence', And onward sped ; And -as they wiped their finger-tips, * It ie,' they said.

Salvationist officers need to be asready at repartee as the-nigger ministrel would, from his studied impromptus, seem to be. Along at Pahiatna the other night the local major began an address with ' I have a -wife '—when he was interrupted from the body of the hall with the cutting remark ' She has my sympathy. 1 But with a smile at the smooth pate of the interrupter the officer retorted, 'I'm glad she hasn't your hair ' — whereat the crowd roared, and the heckler, a well-known athlete, fainted.

They were having quite a confidential chat at the lawn tennis ground in Parnell. And this was the scrap of conversation that furnished cause for a good deal of laughter that afternoon. MiBS Blank : 'Do you know, I think it is such a . funny idea that your husband should send you all his letters typewritten.' Mrs Blanker : ' Not at all funny, my dear ; you don't know the men as well as I do. It was my own idea. It serves to remind both him and the female typewriter in his office that he has a wife.'

There is a smart Wairarapa auctioneer who made a rather awkward slip of the tongue the other day. At any rate, he tellß hiß friend ' it was only a little lapso hngo, you know.' The Latin is a bit off ; still the etory is quite up-to-date. It seems that a lady customer had purchased a pair of trousers for her husband, bat afterwards desired that the item should be cancelled. Whereupon the" auctioneer, in his best business-like manner, called out to the clerk at the table, 'Take Mrs 'a trousers off!' For a moment silence reigned supreme, and then^the sale had to be discontinued until the audience calmed down. But the lady customer hasn't calmed down yet.

It was her first afternoon ' at home " after the honeymoon, and tea was being served to quite a room-full of congratulatory callers. It was with her sweetest smile that she said to a married friend, ' I want to thank you so much for that beautiful present you sent me.' The married friend's heart swelled with gratification as she noticed that the other ladies were listening. 'Say no more, my dear,' she gushed ; 'it was a mere trifle.' But next moment she felt quite flattened one as the bride remarked, ' Well, I didn't think so when X gave it you at your marriage.' The married friend did not stay any longer, and the story just now is goinground with lightning rapidity.

The manufacture of tongh yarns seems to- be quite a promising industry down booth. And the contest for first honours is unusually keen. At present a Cheviot farmer and a Waipawa tradesman are running a dead heat for first place. The Cheviot farmer writes stating that he sowed five turnip seeds in a field thus—

and that when they jjrew np the middle one pushed the other four over the hedge Pass the saltcellar. As for the Waipawa man, he claims tohave shot a sea-gull with a 121 b trout in its mouth. Apropos of this rather fishy yarn, it is suggested that the alleged gull was really one of the Premier's pigeons that broke the record to Australia, and which had got hungry on its way back to the colony.

A tardy bridegroom was the cause of a sensation in a "Wellington church one day last week. There was a full congregation to witness- his wedding, and the bride and her attendant train of maids swept up to the altar expecting to find theeager groom awaiting her there. Instead, she found a gaping crowd speculating as towhat had happened — whether the groom had altered his mind— whether the poor woman wasn't to be pitied, and soon; lsut those who expected a scandal had to endure disappointment, for the sluggard did tarn up, and nearly toppled over the parson in rushing across the chancel from the vestry to his wife-elect's side. For the reßt of his stay in the church the poor chap seemed to pay more attention to mopping his perspiring face and neck with a handkerchief than to the registering of his matrimonial vows.