Tit Bits and Twaddle

Observer, Volume XVI, Issue 925, 3 October 1896, Page 15

Tit Bits and Twaddle

One of the Wellington papers talks about a prize given at tne dog show there for the best puppy under 12 years 1 Query — At what age would that pnp become a dog? It is recorded that one Melbourne suburban ' tied ' house was supplied with such bad beer by the bossing brewery that the brewery traveller always invited the licensee to accompany him to the next house for a drink ! Scene : Nelson S.M. Court. Time : last week. Witness under exam. Local solicitor : ' Now mind, yon are on your oath?' ' £es.' ' Yoa went away and did not come back until you returned ? And then he wondered why the Court laughed. The novelty is to be seen in Wellington of a young woman dealing out nails and hardware behind an ironmonger's counter. And her employer describes her as being as smart at the business as any of the men salesmen. At fche Pahiatua S.M. Court on Taesday week, a party of co-operativo labourers sued the Queen for shifting earth on the co-operative works. The plaintiffs were nen-suited, but the Qaeen— that is, we — had to pay coats. They have devised a new method of church endowment in Canada. It consistß simply in the members of the congregation insuring their lives for the benefit of the parish. How would this work in Auckland ? We hand over the cake to the Manaicata Farmer, which, in a late issue, says : A peculiar freak of nature occurred at Mr A. S. Easton's farm, at Foxton, on Saturday last, when a calf was born, with the same earmarks as were on the cow, viz. : a forked shaped piece out of one ear, and another out of the back part of the other ear. A well-known legal gentleman and his wife (says Adelaide Quiz) had made up their minds to attend the Mayor's ball At the last moment, however, they learnt that their servant had received the compliment of an invitation, and so they stayed at home. The horrible thought obtruded itself that they might meet the slavey in the same Lancers. On the football field at the Association Tournament in Dunedin, when the final heat was being played betweeu Auckland and Wellington, a serious collision happened between Rice, of Auckland, aad Hailwood, of Wellington, as the result of which the Norfchener returned with his nose broken. Within a few minutes afterwards Hailwood was handed a telegram announcing the birth of his first child. As the youngster is a son he had decided to commemorate the two events, and at the same time pay a compliment to the man he unintentionally disfigured, by christening him ' Eric Rice.' Fisherman missing ! Is this a joke from the Star :—' Left home on September 13th, William Peter Nelson, Fisherman. Anyone knowing his whereabouts will kindly let Mrs E Nelson know. Anyone detaining him after this day, 21st September, proceedings will be taken.' i'ancy anyone ' detaining ' an able bodied fisherman 1 There is some humour in the idea of a woman threatening to summon someone else for keeping her hnbby out late. It reminds us of the woman that if her husband did not return to her with 16 days she would get married again. At a certain Christchurch boarding house the menu — breakfast, dinner, and tea —is invariably the same— chops. The boarders get fried chops for breakfast, curried chops for dinner, and stewed chops for tea — with variations. But the standing dish is— chops . The landlady is a very pious person, who invariably asks one of the boarders to say grace before meat. Last Sunday Bhe requested one of the old hands to officiate, and he did so thus : ' Hebrews, 13th chapter and 7th verse ' — and then he flopped down into his seat and was helped to chops. The landlady was puzzled. She had never heard grace said that way before, so, after breakfast was over, she consulted her Bible and turned up the text quoted, and she found it read : ' The same yesterday, to-day, and for ever.'

In one of the leading journals of Montevideo the following advertisement appeared i ecently : — ' A very rich young woman would like to marry a young man of good family. If necessary, she will pay the debts of her future huihand Send answer, with photograph, to I.P. at the office of this journal.' The advertiser was no other than an enterprising tailor, who had just set np an establishment in Montevideo. By this means be procured photographs of all the bad marks in the place. Here is an item from Invercargill as pathetic as anyone comes across in these times: — An aged man, with faltering gait and partially blind, who had come from Dipton, waited on the Charitable Aid Board with a request that he should be taken into the Home. Addressing the chairman, he said:— 'Noble sir, I have been helpless, blind and sick. I have no friends, no relations in the land, neither kith nor kin. So long as my wife lived we struggled along comfortably, but since she died, I have failed in health and sight, and now I want the Board to take my little i property (it was £70 worth), and take care of me for the remainder of my life. The only connitions I ask are that when my property is sold a few pounds shall be set aside to pay some small debts so that I can settle fair with everyone as I have always tried to do, and that when I die my remains shall be buried at Dipton. Of course the Board took him in, its chairman promising to take the best possible care of him.

A certificated Melbourne hospital nurse writes to the A<je that long hours and overwork in charitable institutions result in the yearly invaliding of a number of nurses. Once, said a distinguished dramatist, I wrote a melodrama, and 1 was advised to sit in the gallery on the first night in order that I might hear the most expert criticism of my work. I picked out a bright, intelligent neighbour, and found him willing enough to talk. He remarked on the leading lady. ' I like 'er,' said he, ' 'er with the 'air. She's very good, mister.' He was pleased with the heavy man, ' the cove with the biled shirt and di'monds.' He thought the low comedian ' not so dusty.' ' But, guvnor, he said, in a confidential whisper, ' gawd love me, wot a play !' Generals without shirts seem to be in demand in Melbourne just now, judging from these enigmatical ' ads. ' in the Age : — '"Wanted, General, strong, good cook, references," no shirts ; Generals, no shirts, references required; General, young, family 3, no shirts, 12s ; others, 10.' And again : ' General, small family, no shirts, references required ; General, lady, gentle man, no company or shirts, 12s ' The inference to the unsophisticated reader- is that while references are needed, the weather is too sultry for shirts in Melbourne, at any rate, as far as generals are concerned.

Extract from a letter received by a Melbourne Kegistry office : — ' Will you please send me a respectable yonnc? man tor light work. He will have a comfortable home and 12a 6d per week. He will be asked to wash the children and drive them to school, and to assist in the kitchen, also to look after two ponies and keep things tidy.' A lady at a political meeting at Wellington the other night ventured the extraordinary opinion that a woman's vote could be bought for a pair of gloves. The President sternly reminded her that no vote could be bought, and that such an act would unseat a candidate. 'I knowone man who bought 60 pairs of gloves ac an election, anyway,' was the crushing retort. It isn't all dry-as-dust debating with our legislators the four months of the year that they spend in Wellington. Cardparties in the whips' rooms and little jollifications at Bellamy's are only some of the means by which the weary hours of long sittings are beguiled. Here is one item of horse-play : — During the supper recess on Tuesday week, some of the restive spirits were exercising their acrobatic powers in the big lobby. Such easy feats as leaping chairs were contemptuously disposed of, until someone proposed that cne of the settees in the corridor would make an obstacle worthy of the legislators' leaping powers. An important and bulky political person, whose muscles were developed on the West Goaat, essayed the feat. He just failed to clear the settee, striking the top of it with his toe, and amidst the roars of his no longer dumb dogs, the political personage found himself on the floor with a broken leg. The latter belonged, however, not to himself, but to the unfortunate settee. . One of the principal attractions at a recent Marfcon Wesleyan Chnrch social was a nail-driving competition for ladies only. The fair contestants — and there were many of various ages — were each handed a four -inch nail, a hammer, and a piece of iron-bark timber. In turn, the hammer was to be allowed to descend on the nail with a desire to drive the latter through the hard wood, and the one who could accomplish this in the most prompt manner was to be awarded the prize. The first competitor placed the nail very carefully on the board, and made a sledge hammer blow, which descended not on the iron nail but on the thumb-nail, and there were assorted ejaculations for a few brief moments. This was only the prelude to many mirth-provoking attemps on the part of others anxious to show dexterity in the use of the hammer. To make a long story short, the victory was at last gained by a lady who accomplished the object in view by the aid of nineteen blows — good, bad, and indifferent, mostly the latter. A movement is on foot, it is understood, to send the unoffending hammer to the Wanganui Pablic Museum, likewise the remains of the wood, but some of the nails are utterly nnrecognisable, and quite unworthy of exhibition, while the fair competitors are noticeable for having great difficulty just now in drawing the gloves on and off the thumb of the left hand. Mary Jane and her ' top note ' were in evidence at the Bloomsbury County Court cently. A boarding-house servant sued the proprietress for damages in lieu of proper notice. The girl had been only ten days in her employ, and had been ' packed off ' at a moment's notice. The defendant, she alleged, had also called her a ' leatherlunged impostor.' Let us conclude the evidence for you : — Defendant: Oh, dear! Oh, dear me! To think that she should stand there and say such things I I don't speak to my servants in that fashion. I know my position better. She came to me, and as Boon as I got her I found that she was no use. She had only one dirty print dress, with no books and eyes on it. Just fancy waiting on my aristocratic boarders like that And then she went about the house singing Oh, that singing! (Laughter.) I lost five boarders through it. Plaintiff : It ain't true, it ain't! I can't sing. Defendant : That's exactly what the boarders said. (Laughter) Then she could not do the work. She seemed to forget all about it. And she was dirty. And she could not hold the plates properly. Her hands were deformed. Judge Bacon : But you must have seen that before you engaged- her ? Defendant : How could I ? She had gloves on. If your Honour only heard her sing — (Loud laughter.) Another servant in the boarding-house said plaintiff did not seem quite right. She forgot all about her work. Judge Bacon : Was her dress deficient in hooks and eyes ? Witness : No It had pins. The Judge : Then it was deficient. Witness : I don't know nothing of defiaitionß. (Laughter.) His Honour having laid down the dictum that ' to go about in a dress fastened with pins is not decent,' gave judgment against Mary Jane, with a saving clause that she was to have a sum,. of 6s 8d paid into court by defendant. The expression, 'Oh, that singing !' will appeal to the sympathies of a good many dwellers in colonial boardingi houses.

A Wanganui shoemaker recently hung out a new sign and then wondered what passers-by found bo amusing. His sign ran — ' Don't go elsewhere to be swindled. Walk in here. _A Wellington young lady, in her anxiety to annex a husband, says she attended forty five dances this winter, and did not catch a life partner, but per contra canght bronchitis five times, pleurisy twice, and fifteen colds in the head. A Sydneyside journal in its social column, the other week, announced to the world that ' Mrs Alberton acted as best man ' at a wedding. The new woman has taken unto herself many of man's hitherto undisputed rights, but we don't know that she can ever supplant him in, or even share, the privilege of being ' best man.' An amusing incident occurred at Wellington on Tuesday. A new boat had been launched near the Queen's wharf and a young lady proceeded to christen her ' The Liberty ' in the customary way, in the presence of a large number of onlookers. She threw the bottle at the bow of the boat, but — women can never throw straight — missed her mark by a good couple of feet, and the champagne sank to the bottom of the sea without making a sign. Several topers on the wharf at once floated a syndicate to try to effect a rescue, but at latest advice had taken no practical steps in the direction of salvage.

A Tasmanian spinster has married two men within the last 18 months, and still she is a spinster. She is a registrar of births, deaths, and marriages 1 Unfortunately, the forefathers of His Eoyal Highness the Prince of Wales have not always followed in his footsteps.' Verbatim extract from a public speech made by a Melbourne luminary the other day. And he wasn't an Irishman. A witness at Invercargill recently stated that he was unable to testify as to a certain occurrence, because he had a ' domestic trouble ' just about that time. * What was that domestic trouble ?' asked the examining attorney. ' Well, to tell the truth,' said the witness, ' I was in gaol for stealin' a cow.' Mining is a new hobby to Wellington people, and when the shareholders meet to discuss business some funny things are said. For instance, at one company meeting the other day, a shareholder, who posed as knowing a thing or two, talked of lifting boulders 20 feet by 20 feet out of a shaft 6 feet by 6 feet ! And when the others sniggered he didn't pee where the laugh came in ! On the same occasion it was stated that the directors of the company trusted one another so much that they wouldn't allow the sluice boxes to be opened unlesß two or three of them were present, though they had long distances to ride in getting to the mine.