Tit Bits AND Taddle

Observer, Volume XVI, Issue 924, 26 September 1896, Page 15

Tit Bits AND Taddle

An odd spectacle in Wellington a few days ago was a blind man on a bicycle. It was a tandem machine, and there was another person on the front seat who did the steering. 1 Popping the Question ' is the title of a lecture given by a paraon in a Wellington country district last week. Come to think of it, there is method in this notion of the parsons not only being ready to tie the knot, but also to give the young people tips as to how to go about preliminaries. Another Celestial item : — SixtyChinese blouse makers working for a Chinese firm in 'Frisco struck work because their wages-pittance was reduced. The firm advertised for American sewing-girls, and next morning 350 applied for the places at the reduced wages. A schoolmistress who left- Otago abont twelve months ago to join the Mormons in Utah has returned to the colony, and is living in Wellington. It is said she soon became disenchanted with the peculiar manners and customs of the disciples of Brigham Young, and took the first opportunity of returning to New Zealand. A squatter, notorious for his meanness and a capacity for dining at other people's expense, lately resolved to mend his ways. He had been to dinner at a neighbouring homestead, and was struck, also a trifle ashamed, at the lavish way in which things were done. On returning home he summoned his man servant and said, ' William, I am beginning to think that as the season has been good, we should improve our style of living. To make a itart yon may open a small tin of sardines for supper.' 'Yes, sir,' said the menial, with obsequious gravity, and retired. ' Mind, William,' was shouted after him, ' & small tin, remember !' A funny incident was witnessed in Greytown the other day, when a man and a paling fence were the principal actors. Owing to some unforseen circumstances, one of his legs got entangled in the fence, and try as he would the unfortunate could not extricate his pedal extremities. Either the palings had warped or the ' Trilby ' had swollen. At last, after pulling and tugging for a considerable time,a happy idea struck the victim, and he was found by some passers by, leaning over the fence and unlacing his boot from the othsr side. After a severe struggle this was accomplished, and thankful liberation followed, and now every paling fence brings back sweet recollections of a ruis-spent half hour. A resident in Wellington was burning mid-night oil the other night, all others in his house ha\ ing long been at rest, when he heard coming from his drawing-room mysterious sounds of sweet music With visions of musical burglars floating through his mind, he grasped a heavy shillelagh, and with teeth set, and the demeanour of a man determined to do or die, approached the room whence the noise proceeded. Boldly throwing open the door, he prepared to face the antagonist, and on throwing the light of his candle into the room, was confronted with a harmless, necessary grimalkin, which had been locked in the room, and was amusing itself by prancing up and down the open keyboard. A thrill of exciterapnt went through one of the police barracks in Wellington a few days ago by receipt of a telephone message asking that an officer should hasten to a residence which indicated that something serious was the matter. One of the men jumped up from his dinner and made the best pace he was capable of to the locality, conjuring up as he went visions of a first- elasß tragedy that should get his name into the papers and make him famous Arriving, at last, hot and breathless, at hia destination, he fonnd the sole tenant of the place to be an elderly virgin, who hailed him in terms of disappointment : ' Oh, policeman, you have come too late. She has gone away.' ' Who has gone?' gasped the now crestfallen man in blue, thwarted of the expected celebrity. ' Why, the cow,' was the reply. 'There was a cow at our gate, and I wanted someone to drive her away, for. I was so frightened, and that's why I rang you up.' The language of the man in blue as he returned to hia interrupted meal had better not be recorded.

There was a queer combination of colours in a Christchurch law-suit the other day, witnesses named Black, Green and Gray giving evdence. i. A post mortemed cow at Lancefield, Victoria, the other day was found to have the greater portion of the works of a clock in her inside. This is believed to be the first victim of the ' tick ' in Victoria. Item from recent Sydney 'In Memoriam ' notice : Cold iB the place we have laid you to rest ; Cold are the sods we have laid on your breast. If in heaven, or where e'er you be, Oh, father, dear father, we still think of of thee. This tendency to speculate about the possible address of the deceased is likely to ruin the ' In Memoriam ' business. 'We sent 'er out as lady-'elp. And when she come 'ome to see us, she was that hoighty-toighty I She told us we was all wrong in everythink we did ; we didn't eat proper, nor nothink. In course that come of 'er mixing with the quality. 'Er pore old father and mother weren't good enough for 'er. So I wouldn't 'aye 'er going as lady 'elp no more. I made 'er in to a 'general' She was getting a jolly sight too genteel for us 1' Thus an Auck land father in conversing with an acquaintance the other day.

A liberal parson turned up as a ■witness in a Victorian divorce case the other day. 'Mr ,' asked the judge, 1 were you on this hench in my place, and acquainted with all the circumstances of this case, would you grant this divorce?' • Most certainly, your Honor,' replied the minister. ' But how do you reconcile the statement with the injunction: "Whoso God has joined together let no man put asunder ?" ' ' Your Honor, I am satisfied that the Lord never joined this couple,' replied the clergyman. He strode into the bicycle shop with a look of rage upon his face. ' Look here, this ia a pretty thing you have given me. Why, it would take a steam engine to furnish power enough to run this machine.' * Why, what is the matter with it ?' asked the dealer, alarmed at the growing rage of the customer of the day before. ' Matter ! matter enough. You told me this was an easy running machine, and you can't make it budge. I oiled it freshly tbis morning, jußt before going out, and in five minutes, sir, it was drawing like a load of stone.' ' Sure you used pure oil ?' ' Used the stuff you gave me in the bottle. Bad enough, probably.' 'In the bottle ? Why, man, I didn't give yon any bottle of oil. It is in a can.' ' Can, eh ? Well, what .do you call that?' said the irate man, as he took the bottle out of the leather case. ' I put it in the bearings just as you told me.' ' Dear fellow, this is the liquid cement for the tyres.'

Question for debating society discussion : — • If it takes nine tailors to make a man, how many will it take to make a New Woman ?' A young lad of 17 committed suicide in a New South Wales ;own recently, and the- local paper sagely observed : ' The occurreme is unaccountable, for, as far aB his parents knew, he did not keep company with a female.' ' I just can't understand it,' said the cheeiful idiot. ' Can't understand what?' asked the new boarder. 'Why bloomers, being undoubtedly plural, should make a woman look so singular.' There was a queer complication at one of the Wellington municipal elections. One of the candidates was nominated by, let us say, a person named Smith, whose name and initials appeared on the ratepayer's roll. But it transpired that this particular Smith was no ratepayer. There was another Smith living tome miles away, and owning property in the borough, and he was the fellow entitled to vote. So when the poll came the Returning Officer, though he had accepted the nomination from the young man and allowed it to stand good, had to refuse to let the nominator vote. Luckily the candidate was not returned, or there would have been a nice point to decide and some pretty pickings for the lawyers.

'I don't know mucli about his industry,' said & wished-to-be accurate member of the Timarn Hospital Board, ' but I know he's as good a working man as there is in the c6untry.' A charitable lady, through a Melbourne city missionary, gave a poor man last week a blanket and rug for his swag. The poor man was arrested by the police for haying l property reasonably supposed to be stolen,' and spent three days in gaol. The sub-editor of a Southern newspaper is courting. There is no harm in this, but by it hangs a tale. Lately he was wrestling with an article for his paper, which the comps were taking from him slip by slip, and in the middle of his work happened to be called away from the room. Directly afterwards, the ' devil ' came in for more ' copy ' and seized the slip which stood uppermost on the blotting pad. In due course, this was incorporated with the article, but somehow the proof-reader didn't find it fit in with the context. There were a number of amatory expressions that seemed distinctly out of place in a dissertation on the newest thing in turnip-seeds. So he appealed to the writer rs to what he really meant. And then the bashful scribe owned up that the sheet wasn't part of the article at all — that - there * had been an awful mistake. In point of fact, it was part of one of his love-letters. In the future he will keep this sort of work to be clone out of office hours.

, One of the Victorian Crown Ministers is a most eccentric speller. The other day he wrote a minnte in which he spelt ' recommend ' with a ' k,' and made | believe ' into ' beleave.' Another Minister is noted for the number of times he xxaea the word ' damn ' in official communications. The Rangitikei district and its newspapers are riven just now with controversy on the Prohibition question, part of which' takes the form of debates between representatives of the whisky and the coldtea parties. They are not above making little jokes in the way of perverting Scriptural texts. For instance, in one discussion a few dayß ago, a Mr Wilks quoted the advice of St. Paul to Timothy to take a ' little wine for his stomach's sake.' To which a Rev. Mr Cocker replied that ' he had no stomach-ache.' And the audience guffawed at what it esteemed to be a high form of wit. .But, if anyone but a parson had shown such levity, just picture the scandal he would have got into ! The mayoress of an up-country Victorian township was some time ago presented with a permanent memento of her husband's term of office. The committee was formed, and a presentation of ' a handsome diamond bracelet ' duly made to the mayoress. The mayor beamingly responded, and assured the committee that the present would be treasured for ever as an hierloom in his family. Next evening the mayoress went in teara to see the doctor's wife, her bosom friend, to confide in her. i The mean wretches,' sobbed the mayoress, ' that — dud dudiamond bracelet — a fraud. — a. swindle! My husband fu-found they weren't d-d-diamonds at allwhen he went out this morning to pop-pop-pawn it.' Clutha's Prohibiton policy has provoked an oddity in the advertisement line. These are the terms in which the owner of the Railway Hotel at Balclutha unburdens himself to the public : — ' At the request of the travelling public I have decided to open Refreshment Rooms at the Railway Hotel, where a cui> of tea or coffee can be had at all hours. Now, as lam trying to run this house on pure Prohibition lines, I hope the Apostles of the Pump will roll up and patronise what they have long desired, Water \ Waterl Water!' It was at a prohibitionist discussion at Outram, Otago. Mr Chisholm, a staunch temperance man, had taken the floor, and after him rose Mr Cox, who knows the I difference between beer and bilge-water. Quoth Cox — ' Mr Chisholm says ne speaks I from what be knows. He says a glass of liquor tak^s away a man's senses.' 'So it does,' cried Chisholm. ' Have you ever had a glass of strong drink in your life ?' queried Cox. ' Yes, I have, on the recommendation of a doctor,' returned Chisholm. ' And did it take away your senses ?' was the next query. 'Ie did,' said Chisholm, promptly ' Well, from jour arguments tonight,' proceeded Cox, ' I should say they had never returned.' And then there was a roar of laughter, and Chisholm applied himself to the decanter. Melbourne Punch declares that if the admission of women to the New Zealand Legislative Council becomes law (and anything in that way may happen to us in these days) we may expeitto read some thing like the following in the reports of the future Legislative Council meetings : — j The Member for Ngatiwhatitua. — The [ honourable member for Rotirotiraki has interrupted the course of my speech by sarcastic interjections. If (icitheringly) I could demean myself so far as to tell what I know about her, this honourable House would simply rise and hoot her off the premises. Voices from the Opposition side. — Oh, go and cut your staylaces ! Member for Rotirotiraki (catching the eye of the Speaker). — Sir, the hon member for Ngatiwhatitua — that fat old woman over there— has said that if she would tell certain thiDgs about me the House would rise and hoot me off the premises. I'd like to see it. I'd just like to see it try. Why, Mr Speaker, I couid tell yon something privately — The Speaker. — Order ! Order ! Member for Kotirotiraki. — Very well, I won't; but, anyhow, this I v;ill say. / don't screw my waist in till I'm in convulsions. And I don't try to make out I'm younger than I am — Member for Dead Whale Bay. — 'Twouldn't be any use. Your teeth would betray you. Member for Rotirotiraki. — Would they ? (Virulently.) They're my own, anyhow. And that's more than some people can say about theirs. Member for Groveport (the lady wag of the House). — Don't be excited, dear. Nobody says you didn't pay for them. And so on for hours. In the meantime the male members of the Council, stunned by the current of talk, one by one steal away to the refreshment-room,- and mutually congratulate each other over the fact that they have left the business of the country in such capable hands.