Tit Bits and Twaddle

Observer, Volume XVI, Issue 925, 19 September 1896, Page 15

Tit Bits and Twaddle

An Auckland new chutn got the following joke off his chest the other day when a Council official came along to measure the road metal he had broken : — ' I came out eighteen months ago to make my pile, and by Jove, here it is.'

Another pooof of the awkwardness of having a common name. Mr William Jones was convicted the other day at Wellington of an offence against the Customs Duties Act. And the papers of that city have since been reaping quite a little harvest from the disclaimers published by the nnmerous other ' William Joneseß ' ■who wish the public to understand that < 'taint me, sir.'

Brisbane people are charmed with the performances of a ' Bociety ' baby aged three or four weeks. That interesting infant was induced the other day to sign a cheque for £20 (to the Sick Children's Hospital) by affixing his mark thereto. Saßsiety was enraptured and crowded round to catch even a glimpse of the precious document. ' Ain't it sickenin' ?' Wellington probably has more Johnnies living in boarding houses than any other town in the colony. Sou can count the hash foundries, small and large, in every street. And how some of the fellows treat their landladies came out last week, when one of the dear old souls got into the Bankruptcy Court. There was one man who owed her £54 and another £18, and these worthies decamped from the place when she was disabled by illness and left her to whistle for her money. Little wonder that the Official Assignee thought their conduct deserving of some shafts of cutting sarcasm.

District Judge Kettle at Wanganui : — 'People who go into hotels on Sundays to obtain drink, knowing that they are breaking the law, are not entitled' to be classed under the category of respectable persons !'

No wonder property is being palled down all over Melbourne to save the sewerage and other rates. This notice appears on a store in the centre of the town :— ' To let, this store with 2 flats and 4 rooms— 6a week.'

Fcene : New Plymouth S.M. Court : Counsel.to ft male witness, jocularly : ' Are you sleeping partner in the business ?' Witness : ' Perhaps I am, but I'm pretty wide awake, all the same.' A fact that is generally indisputable. Witness told to stand down.

The telephone girl is shaping well. The other day a business man rang up. ' Yes, yes, are you there ?' said the female attendant. 'Pat me on to 306,' said the gentleman. ' Anything else ?' said the female voice. ' Nothing else,' said the business man. ' Oh, yeß, there's Bomething else !' said the female voice. ' No, there isn't,' said the business man with asperity, ' except hurry up. Pat me on to 306 ' ' Oh, yes, there is something else,' replied the female voice— -• yon should have said, ' 306, please !' '

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A number of golfers and chessplayers were proceeding from Oamarn to Timarn recently by train. A lady asked the question as to who they were, and waß told that they were golfers and chessplayers going to Timara to play matches. ' I snppose,' she said, ' those with the legs are the golfers, and those with the heads the chessplayers ?' The ladies connected with the Melbourne Methodist Church choir, -who were to sing a cantata at the Exhibition in connection with a Sunday Schools' celebration, objected to the costnme dictated by the powers, white dress with distinguishing sashes, and requested to be allowed to sing 'in blouses only.' The chairman of the movement thereupon announced to them on the following Sunday that, in accordance with this expressed wish, the ladies would 'be allowed to sing in blouses only, provided they were not too short.' The choir couldn't suppress their laughter at the announcement.

An exchange states that 'there were 198 cases of twins registered in the ■ colony last; year.' Honeymooning couples on tour ought to make a note of this. A Melbourne suburban bank managtr was presented the other day with a silvermounted umbrella, on removal to another branch. He bad so often kept them out in -the wet that his customers thought the gift specially appropriate. Quito a new kind of versatile NewWoman has turned up in Melbourne. Mrs Fitts, asked what she did to support herself, told the Court : ' T keep a pig and poultry farm, manufacture tallow, and am a bone collector.' A practical woman whowill never be without a scent. Another Sunday school item. A teacher who was teaching a class in an in • fant Sunday school made her scholars finish each sentence to show that they understood her. ' The idolhad eyes.' she said, ' but it couldn't — ' ' See,' cried the children. llt had ears, bnt it couldn't — ' ' Hear.' 'It had a nose, but it couldn't—' 'Wipe it,' shouted the children: And the lesson had to stop a moment for the teacher to regain her composure. While all New Zealand is thinking with loathing of the brute, whoever he is, that did to death two innocent old people at Petone, one Wellington editor finds it in his heart to pity him. ' Probably,' Bays he, ' if the feeling of the community were analysed, it is one as much in sympathy with the author of the crime as it is with the victims. He must certainly be suffering more than the two old harmless people did.' Queer view to take. The female variety of the stagestruck class are even more amusing in their applications than the men. Thus, a Melbourne theatrical manager recently received, this letter from a young woman dating from a small north-eastern township, to which none but the most venturesome barnstormers ever penetrate : — ' Dear Sur, — Dad's a selector up here and I am sick of it. lam to clever to be milking cows and dragging logs ; I would rather go on to tb& stage. I am well maid tall and ony 21 twenty-one inches round the waste. I know I could do Lady Isabel in East Inn' better than done it up at the Mechanics at So if you want a Bmart girl write at once. — Yours truly, . P. S — If you want referenses I could get some from Mrs , where I was a servant for seven months lars summer. .' She is still milking. A baker who called in the way of business at Ballarat (Vie ) lunatic asylum lately, was chased by one of the lunatics. The problem was how to get back to his cart standing at the gates Thinking to put his pursuer off the scent,the pursued doubled and turned down a lane The lunatic did ditto. The baker began to trot The lunatic followed suit. The baker broke into a ran. The lunatic ran. Suddenly remembering that wild animals will stop if something is thrown to them by the persons they are pursuing,the baker flung a loaf of bread behind him The lunatic took no notice. He was evidently not hungry. Then the baker pitched out another loaf No good. At last the lane was strewn with loaves.and nothing but the basket remained. This the baker, now in a blue f unk ; shied at his unknown f riend'B head. It missed him, and the baker ga\e himself up for lost. Just then his foot slipped and he' tumbled headlong into a ditch and shut his eyes as the lunatic, as fresh as paint, came up to him. The baker, too blown to move, could only lay there and pant. ' I tig you last ' said luny, and patting the man of loaves on the head, off he trotted back to the asylum, quite happy. It was at a meeting of one of the societies of strong-minded women in Wellington. Armenia was the Bubject under discussion, and one of the members waxed eloquent anent the wrongs of the persecuted Christians, and advocated a petition to the British Parliament asking for armed intervention. Other ladies were similarly bellicose in tone. Bnt presently the cry was raised ' A mouse,' A mouse,' and a terrified little rodent was seen to scamper across the floor. Instantly the instinct of the League's sex set aside the warlike spirit of the previons moment. Skirts were gathered around the wearers' ankles,and the bulk of the party shrank together for mutual protection against a common enemy. The President alone, probably weighed down with a sense of responsibility, kept her head and managed to reassure her startled comrades. On comparing notes it was generally agreed that the lady who raised the alarm was mistaken, and that the intruder was a rat — of the largest dimensions. And the rat tribe appear to have been in league to alarm the fair sex of Wellington, for at. the practice of one of the musical societies a few nights later, one of the little critters gave the lady singers cause for shrieking a. shriller note than any the composer they were studying intended, and afforded the tenors and basses a chance displaying their valour.