Political Paroxysms.

Observer, Volume XVI, Issue 925, 19 September 1896, Page 9

Political Paroxysms.

Special to thk Observer,

The Maoris have established a Parliament of their own in the apartment adjoining the Press Boom. Their forms of procedure are modelled on those of the General Assembly, except that they don't call each other names, and that their business is conducted with perfectly awful decornm. There is one slight defect, though; it is a question of taste — and smell. But some people like things high. Boss, who is oar only scientist and explorer, has been preparing a calculation, based on sanitary and toxological principles, as to the number of gallons of carbolic acid and tons of exterminators that will be required to disinfect that apartment at the end of the session. •The Bill (Usury Prevention) is working satisfactorily in other countries,' said the Premier. 'Where?' from the Opposition. Premier : 'In Mauritius.' (Laughter). Patea, who still remains the Minister for Deportment in the House, now wears a grey frock suit and a beautiful snowy waistcoat, with a white rose, emblem of purity, in his button-hole. The Premier : ' Some of those on the Opposition benches who are laughing at me are those most interested in high rates of interest.' Russell : ' That's an insinuation, I'll make you sit np for that pre?ently.' Hutchinson Jils on Thursday wanted a perfect mountain of information regarding the tariff. The Premier said £54,000 extra revenue had been derived from items untouched by last year s tariff. Patea interjected, ' Give us the items.' The Premier: * The first item is confidence in the Government, and the second, increased prosperity of the country.' Laughter, in which Patea did not join. The Political Patriarch: The Premier will admit that I am one of those who tap at his door as little as any member of this House. Seddon : Yon never tap at all. More political amenities. G. J. Smith, the hon. member for Caver3ham says ' no .' Caversham : I said nothing of ths kind. Smith : Weil, it is so customary for the hon. gentleman to deny everything I say that I came to the conclusion it was he who spoke. Stout : ' 1 here are some persons who approve anything the present Government does,short of sending them to prison.' Now, what is he hinting at ? McNab wanted to know something about the case He was spreading himself out without having put himself right by moving the adjournment of the House, when Sir Maurice remarked in his peculiarly dry way : ' Did I hoar someone propose the adjournment of the House?' Twenty mem bers immediately rose up, but McNab meandered on the tenor of his way without seeing the point. Wairarapa complained that the return of cab-hire paid on behalf of Ministers had not been brought down, when J. McKenzie promptly retorted, ' Would >ou like a return of the whisky we drank ?' A wild rumour got afloat somehow on Thursday that the distinguished litterateur, James Wilkie, the war correspondent of the National Ass., had been selected for the position of mining inspector, Wilkie having at one period of his life handled a pick on the West Coast. Wilkie, naturally enough, did not contradict the rumour, but, of course, someone had been pulling his leg.

Stout : ' I refer to D !' Seddon : ' I don't care to what you refer, my statement is absolutely correct.' Stout: 'You are stating what is absolutely incorrect.' Quotations from the dictionary of Parliamentary amenities.

The case of an unfortunate Southern farmer named Meikle occupied the attention of the House during the greater part of Thursday afternoon. It seems that he did five ' stretch ' on the slender evidence of two sheep-skins with the brand of another sheep-owner having been found amongst a heap of Meikle's own. He petitions the Houße, and the committee which dealt with his case recommended compensation, but the Government refused to give practical effect to the recommendation. Flatman, the member for Pareora, suggested that if Meikle were elevated to the Upper House he would not be the worst man there, and Mr McLachlan (Ashburton) thought the proposal would be an excellent method of rehabilitating Meikle in the eyes of society. The Premier promised to deal with the case amongst others.

The surprise of Thursday last was the opposition of Hogg, a prominent Ministerialist, to the New Zealand Institute of Surveyors Bill, a Government measure. Hogg was mercilessly chaffed by Riccarton Russell, who declared that Masterton's repentance ought to be the prelude to his conversion. Green had something to say on the subject, but Buchanan put in his spoke before Waikouaiti had finished his little oration. ' Chair,' shouted Hogg, ' Who says chair ?' said Wairarapa, his Hielan blood up. ' I meant that chair,' replied Hogg, in pacific tones, pointing to the Speaker's chair. 'An addled-pated gang of political parasites ' is the latest term applied to Parliament, McLachlan, in the Meikle discussion, got terribly mixed in his quotations from Shakespeare. He tried to quote from Portia's speech in the ' Merchant of Venice,' beginning with ' The quality of mercy is not strained,' and going on with 'It becomes the throned monarch better than his crown.' This last line was, no doubt, suggested by the unwonted spectacle of King Richard wearing his elaborately polished bell topper. .Football, or the foot and mouth disease, is respected even by Parliament. The Wanganui football team received quite a state reception at the hands of the local member. To hear the heavy tramp of these sons of Anak reverberating along the lobbies one might imagine that a moo of bullocks had been let loose, under the lash of Dick's stock-whip. Carson has' been down here on the cold water cure, but Willis means to get hold the ball.

' It ia a Bill to borrow, to barter, and to bribe ; and next, what about bamboozle ? Sir, the whole country has been bamboozled for six years past, and an endeavour is to be made once more to bamboozle the constituencies.' Hawke's Bay on the Pnblic Works and Land Settlement BiJl. Dnthie objected to grading New Zealand dairy produce. Wonder whether he.objects to de-grading it ? Willis was great, broad, and massive on the pawnbrokers' question. 'I wish to read a letter that was handed to me by a Wanganui pawnbroker,' he remarked with the most charming innocence and naivete in the world,whereat hon. members laughed in a way which suggested that Wanganui's connection with Moses had been of an in timate character. At another stage he referred to ' Mr Slieg, a pawnbroker wellknown to members of this House,' but members repudiated the insinuation with loud ' Oh, ohs !' In the lobbies the lot of the policeman and artilleryman — for the two terms are synonymous in Wellington— « a happy one. Strapping, tall, straight-built fellows they are, m all the glory of full uniform, which ia metal so attractive — to pnn on a familiar Shakspearian line — to the female eye, and still more dangerous to her heart. The bedizened and glorified hero who stands outside our door to receive the ladies and usher them into the galleries, will, I feel convinced in my own mind, marry a duchess, judging from the bevies of lovely damsels who flutter round the gold lace and bright buttons. Ah, me I would I were young again and an artilleryman !

' Sir, we often hear of a certain place which is gaved with good intentions,' said Wanganui in sonorous tones. A hon. member: 'Wanganui. One. curious, if not quite unexpected, feature of the debate on the second reading of the Usury Prevention Bill, waa the extraordinary familiarity hon. members exhibited in all the details of the business of pawnbroking. 'I'm Borry the Minister of Justice has left the House, 'said The O'Began,reproachfully, amidst a< shout of laugnter, because Thompson had crossed over to chat with a member on the opposite benches to those occupied by the Left Wing. Patea (who is always on the war-path for information) : ' I know if I am to get this information from the Government it can only be done by a very painful operation in dentistry.' Mills insisted upon having his say in the Meikle business, and strongly resented the interference of another hon. member who wanted him to shut up. 'He opens his mouth too wide,' said the Government whip. ' Oh, a frightful mouth,' chimed in another hon. member. G. W. Russell : ' Why not re-impose the gold duty and catch the companies?' Seddon: 'If you could impose the duty so that it would fall only on the companies and let the old working miner go through," I should not object so much ; but you cannot doit.'

Dick : ' I have never gone in for making reprisals.' An hon. member : ' Hardly ever. 1 'The honourable member for Paradise.' is the term Clutha applies to E. M. Smith in reference to his frequent boasts of the beauties of ' The Garden of New Zealand.' J. McKenzie : ' The Public Works and Settlement Bill shonld be described as borrow, bribe, and bamboozle.' An hon. member : • Not bribe.barter.' This reminds ns of Captain Russell's sweeping condemnation of the Ministerial policy as ' bounce, blaster, banquet, and buncombe.' 'Look at the hon. -member for Inangahna,' remarked Buller, ' see what an attitude he is in.' O'Regan (raising himself from his recumbent position on the bench) : 'I am very much alive, Boiler. I thought my voice would rouse you up. Look at the senior member for Wellington city, I have never seen him asleep in this House before.' Cock-a-doodle-doo ! i Albert is the Bean Brummell of the Press Gallery. Lord knows how many new suits he puts on every day. It is whispered in Gath that he keeps a small boy to help him in his lightning changes. You ought to have seen him the other day giving the girls a treat on Lambton Quay. He wore a Tight summer coat and unmentionables, a white waistcoat, and pink tie, his noble, intellectual head being tiled with a masher straw hat encircled with a red and blue striped ribbon . And his j ewellery 1 It would knock 'em in the Old Kent Road.

1 Something will have to be done ' is the cry of municipal reformers in Wellington, but the 27 Z. Times thinks the only thing I to be done is to sweep away the Council. The best defence we can get in this colony is oar youDg men, who, I believe, will be able to defend their mothers, wives, and sisters from any invaders. Bat what about Tommy Atkyns's sweethearts ? An interchange of civilities. — Clutha: 1 We don't call it borrowing, we call call it raising money.' Wairarapa : ' Raising the wind.' Seddon : 'It is all wind on the Opposition side.' Marsden thought the Married Persona' Summary Separation Bill offered a premium to any brute of a hnsband to thrash his wife in order to get rid of her. Newman : ' A man can get a separation from his wife now without hammering her at all.' 'It is really the people who would not spend a five-pound note and who have been running down the goldfields who are now making the money.' — Digger Dick's proverbial philosophy. Newman on the Married Person's Summary Sparationßill: — ' A bad husband gets no relief from the Bill. He would still find his wife attached to him like a millstone round his neck.' Captain Russell : ' His hon. friend, who was looked upon as a champion of women, instead of speaking of the clinging embraces a wife should give to her husband, spoke of her as a millstone round his neck.' 'Clinging embraces' is good.