Tit Bits and Twaddle

Observer, Volume XVI, Issue 922, 12 September 1896, Page 11

Tit Bits and Twaddle

Thus an Adelaide clergyman : — ' I really cannot say that the bicycle craze is an unmixed good. I have yet to meet the enthusiastic cyclist who can bear to have his tire punctured without resorting to profanity.' At Woodville, Hawke's Bay, the other day a boy tried to ram some hot cinders into a dynamite-cap He is doing as well as can be expected, but as the result of the experiment the tops of three of his fingers are as invisible as a policeman when he is wanted. ~A newspaper, to be styled the X Jlays, will Bhortly make its appearance in Wellington. It will be anti-Ministerial, and may be expected to shed some light into dark corners in the local political world.

Political amenities in New South Wales — ' If my honourable friend had the brain of a hen ' — chorus of ' Chair.' ' I repeat that if my honourable friend had the brain of a hen I could forgive him, but with t his head (fit for nothing else thaD koocking tacks in), I not only forgive him, but I pity him.' Nor was he asked either to withdraw or apologise. A Nelson whist enthusiast, who thinks he is a great player, recently wrote and published a boob on the game, and sent a copy to a famous London player for his opinion of it. The book has now been returned to him, with the following letter: 'My dear sir: Your, favour of the — instant, accompanied by your book, was duly received. It seems to be a very good game, but I don't think it is as good a game as whist.' Mistaken identity again ! Overzealons police at Greymonth arrested a description of. a man whom they were certain waa the person advertised in the Police ■ Gazette as being ' wanted ' for forgery at Dunedin. Gleefully they wired to Duuedin of their capture. But the reply was a facer. It ran : ' Yon have the wrong man; we have the forger.' And the innocent' fellow had spent a night in gaol. Another oase for the Government to make amends, as they did to the Rotorua .tourists.-- ■ '■ ; . . ■

An Irish teacher in one of the country schools was examining his pupils as to the productions of various conn trie a. 'What does Ireland produce ?' he asked. ' Irishmen, sir,' replied a smart kiddi e. Spanked. At a Maryborough Debating Society 's meeting last week the subject- selected for discassion was : 'Is woman the moral and intellectual superior of man ?' There was a large attendance of ladies, and the 'ayes' had it. If they hadn't the eyes would have had it— the eyes of the married men who dared to affirm their own moral and intellectual superiority. There are high jinks in Wellington just now between the male and female branches of friendly societies. Three orders have of late become bisexual, and every week we hear of ' brothers ' entertaining 'sisters,' and vice versa. The latest development Is a euchre party, to which the male Foresters have invited their fair sisters. ' I would very much like to sßttle down and be married soon. lam not much to look at, so don't expect too much or you may de disappointed if you do. lam of a rather quiet disposition, but still I am very fond of fun, too. Ido hope we will get this settled one way or the other — the sooner the better for both of us.' Extract from a letter written by the young woman at Melbourne who got married to but refused to live with her lawful husband, Cornelius Patton.

The sailors on the British ships in Wellington harbour were the other day viewing with contempt and derision the 'furriners' who made up the crew of another vessel, and who were living on albatross meat, captured on their voyage, and therefore in an advanced stage of ' high '-nese, when succulent N.Z. mutton could be bought at the ship's side at a few pence the pound. ' Cape Horn turkey ' is the nautical term for the fishy-flavoured bird. They may be well enough in emergencies, but the healthy appetite of Jack Tar rebels against them when any other fare is obtainable. It was at a Westralian Show, and after dinner the Minister of Agriculture was expatiating on 'the resources of this great country ' and spreading himself generally, when a shrill female voice came from the secretary's office next door : ' Who judged them cats?' There was a roar of laughter, and the Minister proceeded. But he hadn't got far -when the same awful voice exclaimed again : ' Who judged them cats ? Be silent ? Shan't ! so there ! I don't care who's speakin' in the nex' room. Not if it was the Governor himself. What I want to know is who judged them cats, because 'c doo't know nothin.' I got first prize last year, and thiß year I ain't got nothin', and I insist on knowin — who judged them cats?' The Minister in the next room gave it beat. .

It is curious to note how men vary in temper. When one man would heave a sigh, another would heave a brick. A budding orator in the South recently addressed a big meeting and gave utterance to the following >— ' All along the untrodden paths of the future we can see the hidden footprints of an unseen hand.' A large hoarding has been erected around the.groands of the Sydney Benevolent Asylum, ostensibly for advt. purposes, but really to obscure from public view the , hundreds of patient applicants — men, women, and children — waiting for pauper ' relief. ' How many minutes in an hour ?' asked a Wellington teacher. ' Please, teacher, do you mean lunch hour ? asked the smart little boy. ' Why, what's the difference, my lad?' 'There are 60 minutes in any other hour and about 140 in the lunch hour.' was the reply. The teacher was much pnzzled over this till he heard that the smart little boy's father was a Civil Servant. A little family feud in Wellington is exciting attention and some amusement. The women folk on both sides are sisters. One of them lately amused herself by breaking the windows of her brother-in- ' law's house. By way of retaliation, he also smashed the glass in her domicile. Then the quarrel got warmer, and when last heard of the brother-in-law just injured was seen to have invaded the aggressor's household and to be administering castiga- . tion to the fair offender, while her husband looked calmly on, evidently a consenting party to the punishment. It takes all sorts of people to make a world. The Hastings correspondent of the Napier Neivs has the following good par: — A Hastings lady found the following in a newspaper, and got into a very wrathful state about it. She handed it to me, but for what reason I know not, so 1 have just put it in here : — At the General Conference of the Methodist Episcopal Church of the United States, a discussion was held as to whether women should be eligible for election as representatives to it. One delegate delivered his idea as follows : — Mr President, I have read that a long I time ago God made the world, and then He rested ; some time afterwards He made : man, and then He rested again ; a very little while after that He made woman, and. neither God nor man has ever rested since. More football amenities. It was in a game between Woodville and Mangatainoka, Forty-Mile Beach Five Woodville men were laid ont, one with his shoulder dislocated. One Mangatainoka gentleman (Newtb) is described as having deliberately twisted an opponent's neck and banged his head on the ground. The poor fellow was cariied off the ground black in the face and groaning in a horrible manner. For this piece of dastardly play Newth was ordered off the ground, and for the remainder of the game he stood on the line and yelled himself hoarse with such remarks as l Smash < 'em. Reds,' 'Knock 'em out ' Yes, it is a ; gentle game — as played in some places : ; Quite a little scandal was caused the other week at an aristocratic ladies'j seminary in Melbourne, when, owing to an accidental discovery, the reverend headmaster decided to inspect the illustrated . history text-book used by the bread-and butter misses of the upper forms. In : several he found that the pictures of the Roman Emperors and British Monarchs had been affectionately labelled with the names of popular actors and operatic j tenors. Julius Caesar was branded ' Scot ' Inglis — isn't he a perfect love.' Charles 11. was aptly transformed into ' Charles Ryley — Yum Yum 1' Coriolanus was superscribed : • Kyrle Bellew — my heart's desire ; blow : Mrs Potter,' and so on Naturally the ■ pious pedagogue was shocked at this sinful ■ knowledge of the outer world of frivolity. But the climax came when he discovered that in half a- dozen books his own name was put under the picture of HeDry VIII. Being a muchly married mau, the point struck home too keenly. He has com- : municated with the parents of his mis- '• chievous charges. ' Those young ladies who bicycle i nowadays will probably be a little shocked to read what Ruskin has said about the wheel. In 1887 — that was before the safety " bike came in, of course — Raskin wrote a letter about the matter, in which in good swinging style he denounced the exercise. : Said the sage : ' I .not only object, but am prepared to- spend all my best " bad lan- ' guage " reprobation of bi — , tri — , and 4 — , s—,5 — , 6 — , or 7 — cycleß, and every other contrivance and invention for superseding human feet on God's ground. To walk, to run, to leap and to dance are the virtue of the human body ; and neither to stride on ■ stilt, wriggle on wheek or dangle on ropes, - and nothing in the training of the hnman < mind with the body will ever supersede the appointed God's way of slow walking and • hard working.