Tit Bits and Twaddle

Observer, Volume XV, Issue 851, 20 April 1895, Page 10

Tit Bits and Twaddle

' It pains me very much to smack you, Johnny,' said his mother with deep feeling, ' and I shall have to pass you over to your father. • His hands are harder.' 'The bride nearly fainted during the ceremony, and had to be supported by her father until it was over.' ' Yes, and now we hear her father is supporting both of them.' A girl has been sent to gaol for fourteen days for neglecting to comply with an order made by the Adelaide Police Court for the support of her child. What ought to be done with the father ? • Why do you stick out the little finger of your left hand so straight while you eat ?' asked a lady of a Wairarapa tramp. 'Was it ever broken?' 'No madam, but during my halcyon days I wore a diamond ring on that finger, and old habits are hard to break.' A small landed proprietor down Otago way was taking a drive with his daughter and his intended son-in-law for the purpose of showing the latter round the estate. The coachman drove at a smart pace. ' John,' whispered his master in his., ear, ' don't drive so fast, else the estate will look so small.' The. average lawyer loses never a chance to charge a fee. ' Sir,' said a barber to a-lawyer passing his door, ' will you tell me if this is a good crown-piece ?' The lawyer took the coin, examined it, declared it to be good and put it in his pocket, saying — 'You can send round the other Is. Bd. to my office in the course of the morning.' The leanest horse on record in Wellington figured in a cruelty ease in the Magistrate's Court last week. One witness described it as ' a frame of a horse, 1 while another, who was asked if it had bled as a result of the ill-treatment it had re- . ceived, said he did not think it could bleed. It's owner had been exhorted by a wayside wag to * get down and push it." A young man of Nelson, who was out on the lulls the other day, declares that he was stuck up by two men, who had long hair and other uncouth peculiarities which induced him to regard them as what he terms ' wild men.' They asked the young man for nioiiey, and his watch, etc., but thej do not appear to have been very hard to get away from. There must be a whisky still in that vicinity. Jocularity with a defeated litigant is a dangerous thing. The Rev: James Clarke, of Kogarah, who has figured with such unpleasant prominence in the New South Wales law courts lately, was sued by the Bank of Australia for an overdraft, said to have been contracted since his release from a lunatic asylum. The case went against Mr Clarke, and after it was over the plaintiff's solicitor, with decided lack of legal ciaution, poked him playfully in the ribs with an umbrella. The rev. gentleman was equal to the occasion, and promptly took out a summons for assault. It is said that the small veiled female who has lately stabbed several women in the neighbourhood of South Kensington, London, is no other than a certain titled lady who has been underrestraint for years, and who escaped her keepers. She has been again secured under lock and key. Her husband tried long ago to get rid of her, but for some reason he did not succeed. So a certain dancer, whom we all know, awaits the natural course of events to wear a coronet by right. A Victorian miner, a decent, sturdy young fellow, got married not long ago, and found that the gilt soon left his gingerbread. Oue thing, the lady was lazy — horribly lazy. Husband, after waiting five weeks for washing-day, thought he would start himself, and shame .her. ' Why, whatever are you doing? 1 she asked, coming out to find him bnried in suds. 'Just washing a few of my things, 1 he answered, curtly. ' Oh, you dear,' replied his charmer, 'wait a minute, and I'll get you some of niine.' The man said nothing, but gritted his ieeth- and got through the job. Next day, wife announced her intention of going to spend a fortnight with her mother— 'thought a change would do her good.' Husband agreed, and sawher off cheerfully. Wife came back ; found furniture sold, husband gone, another tenant in the cottage.. All her distress yielded, no clue : he had disappeared utterly. "Wife back with mother again — sadder, wiser. *

Political Mistress : What is this I hear, Matilda. You want a half holiday ? Maid: Yes, ma'am. Youknowyour Political League passed a resolution that servants should have a weekly holiday ? What nonsense, Matilda; that meant all servants — servant' generally- It did not mean yon.

We have heard of a man at the Thames who was so absent-minded that when he wanted to shave himself he lathered the reflection of his face in the looking-glass. <

An amusing ' parson ' story is told in Contemporary lter.ieio. A good-hearted curate, who. firmly believed that God was continually working miracles to enable him to help the needy, and who seldom had a coin in his pocket, though htr was never devoid of the fire of charity in his heart, was accosted one day by a beggar woman. He pleaded utter lack of money, and sadly turned aside ; but on the mendicant beseeching him to search his pockets, he hopelessly put his hand in one, and, to his amazement and joy, found a five-shilling piece there. ' Another of God's miracles !' he exclaimed ; and then addressing the woman, ' this coin belongs to you, of right. Take it and go in peace.' HaringTiold the story a few hours later to his worldly-minded parish prieat, and suggested they should both go down on their knees and render thanks to God, a strange, unpleasant light suddenly broke on the mind of the shrewd pastor, who exclaimed in accents not suggestive of thanksgiving : ' Good God ! are those my breeches that you've on you ?'

They say it is unlucky for a girl to fjet married on the thirteenth of the month, but it's unluckier still for a girl not to get married at all. '

Piece of skin — banana — Lying on the walk, ■ Makes the man who strikes it Use some naughty talk.

A Brisbane correspondent of the Eunderberfi Mail states that the wife of a prisoner, now on trial, having died, the husband of the deceased was allowed to attend the funeral handcuffed. Surely not.

This is the epistle on which Queensberry justifies his odious card-in-scription. 'To Oscar Wilde. Posing as a

.' It is written to Lord Alfred Douglas, son of the Marquis of Queensberry : 'My own Boy, — Your .sonnet is quite lovely. A marvel ! Those red roseleaf lips of yours are made no less for the music of song than for the madness of kissing. — Yours, with undying love, Oscak Wilde ' Wilde explained that when he wrote ' You are the Divine thing I want ' to Queensberry's son, he simply meant it as the natural expression of an artist describing a thing of beauty.

The latest from Ponsonby : — New Giri : •Do you burn the sweepings, mem V Mistress : • You may sweep the dirt into the cupboards. Norah. We move the first of next month. 1

A New Plymouth young man was badly mashed on a girl in the next pew at church a few Sundays ago. He took a quiet opportunity of handing her a Bible with a pin stuck in the following text: 2nd Epistle of John, verse s—'5 — ' And now I beseech thee, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another.' ' She returned it with the following: — '2nd chapter of Ruth, 10th verse — 'Then she fell on her face and bowed herself to the ground and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes that thou shouldst take notice of me, seeing lam a stranger ?' He returned the book, pointing to the 12th verse of the third .Epistle of John—' Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink; but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face,' The engagement is announced.

' Have you received an invitation to the bachelors' ball ? ' Yes, indeed, lam to be the only girl there.' ' What !' ' Yes, reaUy. You know the bachelors only had an invitation apiece to send out, and I've received one from each. 1