The FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XV, Issue 828, 6 October 1894, Page 9

The FRETFUL PORCUPINE

It was cabled this week that owing to the state of his health the Czar will have to winter 'in a warm climate.' The climate cannot be too warm to please the Nihilists. * *■ *

They were discussing the testimonial nuisance. ' Well,' said a lawyer, ' theHaultain affair was bad enough, but to my mind this Philips presentation is an imposition. 'An,' said a well-known tradesman, ' that is just my opinion. I wish I had been able to tell them so, too, but I had to shell out.' ' What ! Shell out against your will ?' ' Well, you see, I'm sometimes behind a bit with my rates, and it doesn't do for me to quarrel with the City Council people. And so Igavehalf-a-sovereign.' "

The weekly Harnj Hayr is pretty severe on John Fuller and Miss Buckland, and, by a strange coincidence, neither the Fuller nor the Buckland concert was advertised in the weekly Harry Hayr. Makes you careful, doesn't it ? But fancy Harry Hayr an authority on niusic — a musical 'cricket.' Why, we thought Harry shone most ' on the turf ' — that he was, not to be misunderstood, better up in horses and stables than in the finer arts.

The Chinaman must have his half -holiday alle samee Klistian. At the Police-Court on Tuesday Ah. Chee was pulled up to explain how it was he didn t let Wong Chong get a half -day off. Wong Chong, who ' kissed the book ' a la.' foreign-devil,' tried to excuse Ah Chee, but there was no beating about the bush with Mr Bush E.M., who fined Ah Ctiee ten' shillings and costs. 1• • •

' Made in Germany !' Ah", it is astonishing how many things are ' made in Germany ' (and in Belgium) in these days of cutting competition— from Boyal babies, to wax-vestas. The Eoyal babies we can stand. They don't affect colonials much, anyway. But we draw the line at waxvestas, because we are most of us smokers and colonial smokers use a tremendous lot of wax-vestas. The English-made vestas are put up in boxes containing 250 each — fair value for ' tuppence' although the margin for profit to the manufacturers is pretty big at that. But lately the Belgian goods have come upon the colonial market. Some of the twopenny boxes of Belgian vestas are, to all appearance, as large as the English boxes. But, thanks to an artfully contrived ' bottom ' some Belgian boxes, supposed to hold 250 matches, only contain 150. Who benefits?— the Fat Man, we suppose. Smokers beware !

A Quill for Everyone

Is it not possible to do something to clear our streets of the high-collar brigade which scruples not to accost and molest females who are abroad at night without male escorts? These gentry are cunning arid sly. They fight shy of frequented places where they might be caught. They know the colour of a policeman's uniform, and are too artful to ply their little game when one is in the neighbourhood. In fact, their cowardliness prompts them to choose dark and remote thoroughfares where they are likely to escape observation, and where a call for help would scarcely be heard — let alone promptly responded to.

This being so, it is not an easy matter to catch these fellows and punish them as they deserve. And yet one of them fell into a lovely trap last Sunday night week, and reaped his reward in a spanking such as he has not experienced since he h-^d his last eventful interview with his 'dad' in the woodshed. The youth was on the ' pad,' as usual, in Mount Eden Road on the evening in question, when he met and accosted a young lady who was hastening along alone. The girl took no notice of him, but he persisted in his annoyance, at the same time following her along the street with four or five other fellows of his own sort.

The girl was frightened, and yet more annoyed than frightened, and schemes of reprisal and punishment flitted through her mind. But she dared not continue her journey with these well-dressed hoodlums at her* heels, so she turned at the bridge and retraced her steps towards town. The youths turned, too. So they were going to follow her again ! The poor girl was breathless with fear and excitement. And then she made a quick resolve. At the same moment, one of the young ruffians approached her and urged her to go for a walk with him. She hesitated. He persisted. Well, yes, she would go, if he would accompany her down the street to her home to see if she had been missed. If not, she promised him a long walk. The youth took the bait.

Together, they strolled slowly down Symonds-street, he chattering nonsense, »nd she thinking out her plan. She was intimately acquainted with Sergeant Gamble, and knew that at that particular moment he ought to be in the Police Barracks in O'Rorke-street. Oh, if she could only lead her Adonis unsuspectingly there, what a thrashing she could promise him. And so she joined gleefully in the conversation, and they sauntered on. Her heart beat exultantly. They were at the top of Wellesley-street, then at the turning into O'Rorke-street, and still the fellow suspected nothing. At last, they stood directly in front of the grim Police Barracks. ' Excuse me one moment,' she said, ' and I will see if my sister has missed me.' 'All right,' he replied, 'hurry up.' He suspected nothing. The girl disappeared in the darkness.

A moment later, she was in the burly Gamble's presence, relating the story of her persecution, with scared face and palpitating bosom. Gamble listened with a darkening brow. ' And where is the cub now ?' he asked, as she brought her story to a close. 'Oh, I have him outside. He doesn't suspect. But he does deserve a thrashing.' Gamble smiled grimly, as he seized his hat, and strode out into the darkness. The puppy made his presence known by a significant cough. It was an unfortunate signal. Gamble caught the wretched masher in a vice-like grip, and forthwith gave him a hiding that he will remember as long as he lives. 1 1 was worth a hundred sermons. And the puppy howled and whined, and promised to reform his ways with a sincerity that was undeniable. Finally, Gamble caught him by the collar of the coat, and with a parting kick gave him a remarkably good start on his homeward way. We reckon that young man will be very loth to accost unprotected girls again, and more especially so, if he has reason to suspect that they number burly police sergeants amongst their friends.

That was too bad of the Star the other evening to humbug its correspondent and mislead its readers by telling them that the beginning of the twentieth century falls on Sunday (Ist of January, 1900). The Star chronologist, who ought to be an up-to-date f\n de siecle officer, is guilty of perpetrating an unpardonable anachronism, when as a matter of fact, the beginning of the twentieth century falls on Tuesday, January Ist, 1901. This is almost on a par with Editor Wills, when recently asked by a correspondent, to what order of animals the dog belonged to ? answered, feline. Altogether, the New South Wales footballers have proved themselves a 'pretty lively lot of boys.' Their vagaries in Auckland we all know about, and Napier also has reason to remember their boisterousness. From that point we lose sight of them till their return from : the South Island to Wellington. There a party of their number distinguished itself by its behavour at the 'social' of one of the Wellington football clubs. Arrived well advanced in liquor, they and some other rowdy spirits smashed the refreshment table, and in their struggle to ' feed ' capsized the whole apple-cart, with the result that half the company had to go unrefreshed. Thank goodness the colony is now rid of these none too reputable roysterera.

The City Council was, the other day, publicly repudiating any connection with the parties who were affixing numbers to doors at sixpence each. But is it not a fact that these people, before they started this venture, ootamed a permit from the Town Clerk to trade these numbers ? And, if so, was this permit given without the knowledge of the Council ? Surely not.

The working classes will never realise the enormous burdens imposed upon them by Protection until their own pockets are touched, but they certainly should take warning from the present experiences of the bootmakers of Melbourne. Thirty-five shillings per week is now the proposed minimum wage, and out of this quite ten shillings per week must go in customs duties or Protection — leaving a man a nett return for his labour of twenty-five shillings per. week. And yet Protection was going to provide constant employment and high wages. An utter fallacy. New South Wales, which abhors Protection, finds more work for its boot operatives than Victoria, pays its workmen higher wages, and affords them much cheaper living than they can get in the sister colony. And yet the working man in New Zealand wants more Protection.

The extreme limit of absurdity in connection. with* our ridiculous labour legislation, is,., reached when* one. Chinaman ' ia fined for not giving another, a^half -holiday. Even the Chinaman thinks we are going dotty on the labour question. •';'",'

Some say that the Maori 'can very well take care of himself,' and that there- is no need for legislation in the way of protecting the natives of New Zealand from the trickery and the land-grabbing tendencies of the lawyer-agent, or the pakeha on the look-out for a nice cheap block of land. Well, here, is a case in point. Some years ago, there was a' Maori settlement of considerable size near Lake Takapuna. The natives had a considerable area of land in the vicinity, which if reserved to them would have been at the present time a valuable property. But last week the indigent state of these few Maoris of ' the deserted village ' was brought before the Auckland Charitable Aid Board. Tne miserable remnant of the local aboriginals had scarcelyanything to live on, and being severely attacked by influenza and unable to pay the doctor who came from the North Shore to attend them, on the representations of a local resident, the medical bill was sent to the Board to pay. The few surviving natives at the dilapidated settlement are friendless and bereft of pretty well all their once extensive landed property. Who has got the land ? Well, that's just what we don't know.

As the train was rather crowded, And the girl most wondrous sweet, I rose with my politest bow And offered her my seat. Her smile of thanks was charming, But I felt my soul demur "When she placed her little bow-wow On the seat I offered her. Vogue. • o *

Make way for the Central Council of the Labour and Liberal organizations. It held its first meeting on Saturday evening, when the chairman explained one of the objects of the body to be to make final ' choice ' of candidates for Parliament. Seeing that there are eighteen Labour delegates and six Liberal Association delegates on the Council, there ought not to be much difference of opinion concerning the choice. By eighteen votes to six, Labour candidates will be chosen in the Labour and Liberal interest for each Auckland constituency. We have a shrewd suspicion that this Labour and Liberal business is a device, and a very cunning one, to create chaos in, the Liberal camp and to swell the National Association following, and, by all appearances, it will be a successful device. But who are the traitors to the Liberal cause ?

The German William has had another of his freaks of eccentricity. He surrounded and surprised a military school in the middle of the night, and imprisoned 180 students for mutinous conduct. This is William's method of enforcing military discipline. Surely they must be having an unusually hot summer in Berlin this year. William certainly requires looking to. "

The ' public ' meeting called at Wesley Hall the other evening by Auckland Prohibition and Temperance League drew an. attendance of just 15 persons ! The Rev. E. Walker, (N. Z. Temperance Alliance) sorrowfully announced nis readiness to proceed with his address, but ' the sense of the meeting ' {vide Herald report) having been taken, it was resolved to adjourn. The Rev. L. M. Isitt was in an ante-room, but did not put in an appearance at this ' public ' — private meeting. What a sad spectacle the rev. gentleman must have presented in that little private-room. Fresh from Wellington, fully charged with facts and figures, and no chance allowed him of letting off steam ! We sympathise deeply with Mr Isitt.

A travelling Italian nobleman, who runs a bear and monkey show, has formed a rather unfavourable idea of the inexplicable customs of ' ze people zey callaze Mowere.' He pitched his moving tent up at Taupiri the other day, expecting a rich harvest from the Maoris assembled at King Tawhiao's ' wake.' He desired to run his limited menagerie inside the sacred enclosure, but the business-like Maori ' committee ' who ran the wake wanted £1 a day for the concession. Senor Maccaioni di Montebello didn't see it, as the daily rent was rather more than he would "make in a month, so he started business outside the camp. But on his refusing the terms proposed, the Maoris promptly tabooed the show, and not a single Maori, old or young* entered that tent during the tangi. The bear was not called upon to dance and the monkey got no nuts. The Signor is thinking of emigrating to Coolgardie. • * *

A local Congregational parson, inveighing with many a thump of the Bible last Sunday evening against the Sunday tram proposals, sterterously reminded his dearlybeloved of the fact that ' the Sabbath was made for man.' But he quite forgot toadd the words ' and not man for the Sabbath ' — which would quite have spoilt his case.

AN EPISODE OF THE CONSOLS BILL DEBATE. Sib Robert (angrily) : We would get on much better if the Premier remained out of the House. Hon. Richakd (cuttingly) : You would get on much better,?you mean.