TIT BITS AND TWADDLE

Observer, Volume XV, Issue 796, 31 March 1894, Page 9

TIT BITS AND TWADDLE

A New South Wales country paper referring to the coming elections discourses on ' The Parity of the Ballet.'

An American paper says that many a draper who has made long prayers has been shut out of Heaven because his yardstick was too short.

* I love champagne. It makes you so unreserved.' Extract from new London society play. Heroine is speaking. ' Unreserved ' is distinctly good.

Wellington Fair Play is to be issued as a monthly in future. Mr Hammond, the present editor, vacateß the ohair in favour of Mr Arthur McKee, one of the proprietors.

1 Will anyone tell me,' shouted the prohibition orator, ' who, save those engaged in the accursed traffic, derives any benefit from it?' And a voice from the back of the hall replied : ' How about your screw and ex's ?'

London sassiefcy has been outraged by a Regent-street photographer who recently exhibited anew heart-shaped doubleframe with a picture of his Royal Loftiness the Duke of Fife on one side, and a picture of — not the dear Duchess — but a well-known and rather frolicsome actress on the other !

Somebody proposes to establish a Sunday paper in Adelaide, and all the unco quid folks are howling, while the religious press of the holy city (in which pious frauds abound) are rushing into typographical hysterics at the bare idea. A live Sunday paper would be an awkward competitor for ads. don't you know. Hence these tears.

It is the c'rect thing in Sydney and Melbourne now, ifc seems, to refer to London as ' town.' Sappho Smith, the Bulletin's smart lady contributor is responsible for this. She says : 'No person who turns his trousers up round the hems on a dry day and carries a shepherd's crook to support his tottering footsteps ever makes crude geographical illusions to 'London' nowadays— not in Australia, anyhow.'

A woman was sentenced at Moree (N.S.W.) the other day to ' one minute's imprisonment.' The charge was 'maliciously wounding.' She attacked her seducer (after he had abandoned her) with a knife, and she pleaded guilty. The accuser failed to appear. He had left, it transpired, for Maoriland, which seems to be getting rather more than ita full share •f bad eggs from tho other side.

There would be no necessity for an inspector of meat anywhere if the Jewish plan was universally followed. The Jews insist that every beast intended for food shall be perfectly healthy and shall never have suffered from any disease. Consequently it often happens that only one animal out of a mob of fifty is slaughtered. Every approved carcase must bear an official stamp, which is equivalent to a positive guarantee that it is O.K. ' Kosher ' meat, as it is called, is exclusively supplied to the Royal Family in England. They always ' see that they get t.

An ingenious swindle was worked by telephone in Melbourne the other day. The swindler first of all rung up a wholesale soft goods house and ordered five bales of calico to be sent to a draper's shop in Collins-street. The calico was sent. Then that swindler, pretending to be the manager of the wholesale firm, rang up the retail house and explained that the calico had been sent there by mistake and would be fetched away at once. A oarter called immediately afterwards and removed the calico — and the police are still hunting for a ' clue,' as per usual.

The pastor of a Wairarapa churcb, finding it difficult to make both ends meet, owing to the apathy of the flock who evidently didn't appreciate him, resigned. The flock thereupon got up a testimonial expressive of their 'heartfelt sorrow. 1 They also subscribed a purse of sovereigns and tearfully presented the same with many heart-broken remarks and much snuffling. The parson was astonished. He said at last : ' Well, brethren, I know you were sorry when you heard I was leaving, but as you seem anxious I should stay, why, I will !' The flock was thunderstruck. The parson Btopped with them another five yeara.

Eccentric ad. from Sydney paper: ' One pound reward. — Lost a cameo brooch representing Venus and Adonis on the -Newtown Eoad, about 10 o'clock on Tuesday evening.'

A Melbourne milkman has been fined for mingling water with his milk. That's all right. But we never hear of a publican being fined for mingling fusel oil with his whiskey. But plenty of them do it.

When an Armenian maiden attains her 17th year, and is not engaged to be married, her parents get mad with her and force her to undergo a strange punishment. She has to fast fov three days, then for 24 hours her food is salt fish, and she is not permitted to quench her thirst. When an Auckland maiden attains her 35th year and is not engaged she gets raad with herself and buyeth a wig and putteth a matriraonial ad. in the paper. If that doesn't answer she joins the Auckland Ladies Political League and sayß cutting things about man, tyrant man.

That Jaypeeism is a hopeless aud ghastly failure has long been patent to everyone but J.P.s themselves. The Bulletin thinks that if it is really necessary to tickle the vanity of incompetent men by allowing them to tack ' J.P. on to their names, some new fragment of the alphabet should be fixed up. l The only thing that is wanted is the right to trail sundry letterß after the undistinguished cognomen of John Jones, and if thai; person was made an 1.0. U. it would be just as satisfactory. Also, he might be made P.N. or N.S.F., whioh would do equally well, or he might Bimply be created X.Y.Z which would be a satisfying distinction for any small potentate."

A Sydney paper heads its police 1 drunk ' report ' The Sons and Daughters of Temperance.'

Shepherd (can you spot him ?) : ' "Well, deah friends, the church is in debt and— er— as honest means have failed to raise the necessary funds, we must try what a bazaar will do.'

Two respectable - looking girls passed through Carterton (Wairarapa) the other day with swags on their backs. They said they were from ' the other side ' and were ' mates ' in search of work. Heaven help those girls if they fall into the hands of some of the male Bwagsmen on the wallabi.

' Have you got any peas ?' enquired a Pukekohe lady (a new chum) the other day of a Chinese vegetable hawker. 'Me got no pea,' replied John, and then, with a grin, added : 'If you want any J.P., you get plenty ! Ten or twelve in this street.' That chow is too good to waste his time on cabbagee.

Sarcastic Mr Labouohere, commenting on the Radical craving for titles, writes : ' The curious thing conneoted with these creatures is that never yet has a man. been found who, according to his own showing wanted to be either a Baronet or a Knight. They always explain that they personally dislike the prefix of k Sir ' to their nameß, but their wives were so desirous to be ' My Lady ' that they have had to sacrifice their own feelings on the altar cf connubial affection.' Let us hope that Sir Kobert Stout will not read this.

Commercial printing of all kinds cheaply and expeditiously done at the Obsebteb office.

A Beef ton man stole a ham the other day. He told the magistrate that 'the Lord told him to do it.' Being unable to produce a witness he got 48 hours.

The bone market ! Good skeletons are quoted at .£IOO. Plenty of people over in Melbourne just now would sell at a fraction of the money if they could only give the buyer delivery without serious inconvenience to themselves.'

' Verily woman's fashionable attire is not a thing of beauty.' Thus a Sydney paper. True. A year or two hence lovely woman will laugh until her sides ache as she glances at the fashion-plates of 1894 and notes the hideous shoulder-humps with which she used to adorn herself.

Scene: Bush track in "New South Wales. Dead-beat traveller carrying swag meets German station-hand. Traveller •. ' Is this the track to the township ?' 'Yah.' 'Far?' 'Yah.' ' How far— five, ten, twenty miles ?' ' Yah, I dink so.' ' Oh, go to blazes !' ' Yah, I dink you get there !'

Church - fund canvassers (ladies) asked Tyson, the New South Wales millionaire for a little donation. He said he would give them something provided his name was kept dark. They agreed, and got a cheque for The projected church was erected at once. Bat after it was built it was discovered that there was no money for lightning-con-ductors. The ladies waited on Mr Tyson again. He said: 'I gave you .£2,000. Now you want more. You can't have it. If it pleases Providence to destroy your church by lightning, it's no business of mine.' The ladies left. When Tyson says no he means it.

English Salvation Army runs 9,000 brass bands. Happily they never play all together.

' Will heaven be like the inside of our Cathedral on a dull day ?' asks ' Phiz ' in Christchuroh Truth, ' because if so, well, I pass.'

At a New South Wales court the other day, counsel (a newly-Hedged barrister) had just commenced to address the court oij behalf of the prisoner when the latter tapped him on the shoulder and said : ' For God's sake young man sit down. I can do better than that myself.'

Water at Coolgardie is fetching as much as English bottled beer does in Auckland. A bath is consequently a luxury beyond the reach of any but' the lucky ones on the great Wostralian field. The unlucky ones have to be content with ' a dry rub.'

Sarcastic par. from Napier evening paper at expense of loathsome morning contemporary : 'We are pleased to learn that Mr Me Hardy, whose death is recorded in this morning's Herald, is progressing favourably and that his complete recovery is now looked for.'

The [' Great American Salesman ' bobbed up serenely at Zeehan iTas.) the other day. Here he did a roaring 1 trade in parses at one pound each, the buyer being promised (as in Auckland) a ' valuable present.' The following evening the G. A. S. failed to appear, but somebody explained that he had ' gone to Melbourne for a fewdays in order to buy prizes, as it waa impossible to purchase things good enough to give away at Zeehan.' At latest accounts the Salesman had not returned. Strange, passing strange !