TIL BITS WADDLE

Observer, Volume XIV, Issue 795, 24 March 1894, Page 9

TIL BITS WADDLE

There is only one man we know who ■wasn't spoiled by being lionised. He was the prophet Daniel.

False teeth for horses are now manufactured in Paris. But that is nothing. Jackasses have long used eyeglasses.

"Whenever a man fails his wife tells the public that he was ' too conscientious to suooeed-* What she tells him in private is sometimes different.

Damaging ad. from a Christchuxch daily : ' Auction Sale : On account of various ownerß :— 35 Leicester rams ; 42 Down rams ; and 60 hogs, including Messrs Thomas Brown, William Robinson, Thomas Eoe, and other Peninsula farmers.'

Scene : Auckland Stock Exchange : Well-known bore who dabbles in shares a little and is always bothering the old hands for ' information ' ; ' Ah, Mr Whittaker, what would you advise me to buy to-day ?' * Buy some thermometers, they are pretty low just now, but are sure to riße if you hold on.'

The story of the amorous bailiff and the wide-awake lady : A Sydney bailiff who went to distrain for rent the other day found the lady of the house all by herself, her husband being away up-town. As soon as the bailiff discovered this he made some decidedly amorous advances to the lady, who contrived to get him upstairs where she locked him in one of the unfurnished bedrooms. The bailiff kicked and swore until he was tired but he couldn't get out. Next day, nearly Btarved, he climbed out of . the window and down the water-pipe to freedom. Meantime the tenants had made a clean sweep of all the goods and chattels !

It is said that a woman has more honour than a man ; but this is not the case when she is dressed for a ball.

The advertising columns of the Melbourne dailies are chiefly ooonpied at present with ' unredeemed pledge ' auction ads. ' Uncle ' is about the only business man who is doing much just now in the marvellous oity.

* The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold.' Which reminds us that there are 150 Assyrian hawkers in Dunedin at the present time, and still they come ! A correspondent of a Dunedin paper urges authorities to refuse licenses to these men.

A correspondent of a Southern paper writes to ask the editor to make it known that ' Rough-on-Rats ' ' causes hours of frightful agony before death closes thewscene. It is worse than death from cholera.' But Rough-on-Rats is not nearly so fashionable a poison as it was. Match-heads are ' in.'

Writes a Calcutta correspondent to a Canterbury (N.Z.) paper : — * Ihe shopbeepers here complain, you know, that it is of no use sending out English girls, for they are snapped up and married almost as soon as they arrive. Come along you srirla ! Just at present all the shops are selling off, and you may judge how great is the crush when I tell you that a certain class of people walk in and try on hats or boots and forgetfully take them away with them, leaving their old ones behind.'

At the inquest in Sydney the other day on William Butterworth, aged 84, who died while serving a sentence of three months' hard labour for being hard up, the coroner remarked that the system of sending worn-out old men to hard labour was 'bad,' and he intended to bring it under the notice of the proper authorities. It has been brought under the notice of the proper authorities a good many times now, both in Sydney and elsewhere, but they don't seem to care a continental. Poverty is a crime, the world over.

A stranger of the ' respectable working man' type put up at a Wanganui board-ing-house recently. He tnrnedmp regularly for meals but omitted to square up on settling day. The landlord took a peep into the dead-head boarder's box one day while he was out, and discovered a complete set of burglars' tools and two or three black crape masks. The owner of these things getting wind of the find, left Wanganui in the most unostentatious manner. Didn't even stop to say ' good-bye.' He is supposed to be on his way to Auckland. Such a nice man, too !

A correspondent of Wellington Press commences a descriptive article by asking: ' Who has not heard of London ?' As an effective start off thiß would be tolerably hard to beat.

What do women read ? Well — Marriages first, then births and deaths The feminine thoughts engage, And they always read the biggest ads. But never ' The Woman's Page.'

Striking thing in ads. from a Home paper : l The advertiser, having made an advantageous purchase, offers for sale, on very low terms, about six dozen of prime port wine, late the property of a gentleman forty years of age, full in the body and with a high bouquet.'

According to that pious English weekly the Leisure Sour, which never, or hardly ever, indulges in crammers, a little girl asked by a Prevention of Cruelty to Animals official why it was cruel to dook horses' tails and trim dogs' ears, replied : 4 Because what God has joined together let no man put asunder.' Slightly mixed but not half a bad reply. '

It was at a banquet at which the various churches were well represented. The Babbi, true to his faith, ' passed ' most of the dishes. Presently an appetising joint of roast pork came on. The Catholic priest, turning 1 to his neighbour, asked: 'My worthy friend, when will the time come that I may have the pleasure to assist you to a slice of this delicious meat?' The Eabbi replied with courtesy : ' When I have the gratification of assisting at the wedding of your reverence.'

A Wellington youug married woman had a peculiar dream the other evening (says Fair Play). She dreamed that she with her baby was preparing to get into a tram. The step of the tram was rather high, and she requested a gentleman to hold her baby while she got in. He consented, but before he could return the infant to the arms of its mother, the tram started and left without the ohild. The grief of the young woman was intense, and so troubled was her mind ithat she awoke. Her relief at finding it all a dream was so great that she decided to buy a book on dreams and learn what it all signified. On turning to the index she found that that such a dream as she had experienced foretold that the dreamer would receive twice as much as she had lost. • What should I get, ' said she to a friend innocently, ' that would be twice as much to me as my baby ? ' ' Twins ' said her friend laconically, and she has not spoken to him since.

Masterton evening paper recently referred to the looal morning -journal as ' that excellent conservative butter-wrap.' The morning journal, commenting on this, assures its readers that the Star haß * put itself outside the pale of journalistic oourtesy.' This is dignified but rather weak. So far the Star man holds the fort.

Larrikins ' tin-kettled ' a newlymarried couple at Karori (Wellington) so ■vigorously the other day, or rather the other night, that in the midst of the appalling din an upper window flew open and a pale-faoed man appealed in agonised tones for mercy. The band demanded ' baoksheesh,' which having got they re* tired to drink the ' health ' of the people their music had nearly killed.

There S9ems to be quite an epidemic of spooks in this colony just now. Quite recently we had one in Auckland. Henderson has got one now, and so has Christohurch. The latter apparition has nearly frightened several women to death. A horse-whipping, to be followed by a ducking in a horse-pond would probably effectually ' lay ' this ghost. But nobody seems inclined to tackle it.

Anarchist scare at Invercargill the other day. A resident discovered a bomb and f use lying 1 alongside the premises of a well-known business firm. He rushed away to imform the police. A sergeant and all the available constables hurried to the scene of the projected 'outrage,' a crowd oollected, the excitement reached fever heat— but rapidly subsided when it was discovered that the supposed 4 bomb ' was a worn-out tube belonging to a telephonic battery cell, the bit of wire attached representing the ' fuse.' The discoverer of the mare's nest slunk up a side street when the cat emerged from the bag, amidst roars of laughter from the crowd.

The redoubtable Captain Jackson Barry lectured the other night at "Wellington on ' the history of the Stout election petition.' The man who 'rode upon the backs of whales ' led up to his subjeot by a. resume of his colonial ups and downs, dragged in Home Eule, Mr Gladstone, the Queen, Albert Edward, Prince of Wales, and all the Royal Family, • Buckley, the wild white man,' the King Country, the unemployed, and many other subjects. At about 11.15 the chairwoman vacated the chair, and after some indirect references to Sir Bobert the lecturer retired and the audience broke up still vainly trying to find the connection between Buckley the wild white man, and the recent attempt to unBeat Sir Eobert.