TIT BITS AND WADDLE

Observer, Volume XIV, Issue 793, 10 March 1894, Page 11

TIT BITS AND WADDLE

Gore f Otago) people are thinking of trying the ' lady Mayor ' experiment. They had better think hard before they do anything rash.

A Melbourne Matrimonial Agency keeps a parson on tap to do knot-tying at theshorteatnotioe. That idea never struck Hannaford. He'd have been delighted with it.

Chrißtchurch open air temperance orator .- ' I don't open my mouth to put my foot in it, I can tell you.' Rude person at the back of the crowd : 'If you did yon'd loae the foot, governor.'

Those boys who shock good Mrs

Grundy By buying ice-creams on a Sunday With browns they withhold From the plate, we're told, Will go where ice-creams are not one day.'

' Wellington,' says Fairplay> 'is one of the most expensive towns to live in that can be found in the colony. House rent is extravagantly high, and provisions of nearly every kind are far dearer than they are either in Dunedin, Chrißtohurch or Auckland, the latter city being the cheapest place of residence of the four cities of the colony.'

A Wellington weekly recently sent a member of its staff to interview gaol governor Garvey, who took the scribe over the gaol, filled him up with information, and expressed the hope, when he was leaviner, that he ' would never come there other than as a friendly visitor.' ! ! !

A PACT KBOM FIJI. It would seem that they who lead Christian lives should win the meed Of all Christian approbation — but one

shivers To reflect that, after all, "Tie the heathen cannibal Who appreciates most keenly Christian livers.

At Glen Innes (N.SW.) the other day, the local Borough Council were discussing the lighting of the Chamber when one of the Councillors, getting up on his hind legs, remarked: — 'Well, Mr Mayor, I've no objection to buying a chandelier, as some present seem to have set their hearts upon it, but what I want to know is who's going to play it when we get it ?'

That dreary Tory rag London Standard objects to dramatists introducing clergymen on 'to the boards. Apropos of which somebody has written the following clever lines : —

To stage a clergyman is most improper, The Standard says so, and it must be true ; It's moral influence should put a stopper

On all that seems cerulean in hue. Was ever so much virtue for a copper ?

How much that noble journal tries to do To chasten and reform the erring stage — For ' assignations' see outside page.

* Toney ' person of the feminine gender was detected in the act of pocketing a roll of valuable lace the other day in an Adelaide draper's shop. Proprietor, informed of what had happened, was on the point of sending for the police with the idea of ' making an example ' of the oulprit, but on noticing her stylish attire his heart Boftened aud he sent for her friends instead. Tea, it was a case of kleptomania, of course. N.B. — When the complaint attacks ' common persons ' it generally means from three to eighteen months' 1 hard.'

'Mona' recently advertised in a Sydney daily for a husband ' elderly gentleman preferred. With means'. Same paper contained an advertisement inserted by ' a tall dark gentleman, 'who ' wanted to meet a fair lady with to help enlarge business . Whereupon the Bulletin •. — Alike is human nature frail, Or be it female, be it male. There's " Mona's ' ' wanted ' must be old, Besides possessing storaged gold — She wants to wed a played-out shape, And dreams how she would look in crape. The advertising male above Hath knowledge how the sexes love ; Before he mentions trading, mark ! He tells them he is tall and dark ; And tall and dark men aye declare Their heartß are fired by maids whore) fair ; And so he runs the vogue, but, zounds j His own reserve's .£1000 !

* Have you anythiug to say before we eat you? 1 said the King of the Cannibal Isles to a Boston missionary. * I have,' was the reply ; ' I want to talk to yon awhile on the advantages of a vegetable diet.' Hospital rumpus at Brisbane. Medical student, thirsting for knowledge, carved up a defunct patient the other day without first obtaining permission. The relatives are almost as cut up as the deceased. ALL HE COULD SEE OF IT. 1 Why doeß the ballet kick so high ?' Said she, ' I'd like to know.' And the man behind her said : 'So I Above your mammoth hat can p.py A wee little bit of the show !' A Wellington paper in discussing the merits of the Brough-Bouoicault Co. and Frank Clark's Albambra crowd, says : ' A stronger contrast could hardly be drawn than that existing between the two companies mentioned.' Great Soott ! We Bhould think not. A GAME OF CHANCE. ' Let's play a game of hearts,' she oried ; ' For stakeß I'll be your promised bride. Tis your first play, Bee which twill be, I marry you — you marry me ?' Adam and Eve is the name of a Melbourne butchering firm. In Hamp" stead Road, London, a firm of tea merchants will be found named Abel and Willing. But the most extraordinary combination in names was the famous firm of London surfreons ' Death Blood and Slaughter.' In a Southern township the other day a certain resident get married. He won't forget his wedding-day in a hurry. Just before he was ready to say ' I will ' he was bailed up by a swarm of angry creditors, who all presented their little bills and pressed for 'a settlement,' declaring in lurid language 'no pay, no wedding.' Ending that escape was impossible, the badgered bridegroom paid up and rushed away, but only to meet another oreditor outride who thrust a summons into his hand. Coming out of the Registrar's office with his blushing bride on his arm yet another creditor stuck him up and forced him to acoept a bit of blue paper. He looked pretty blue himself as he started for the honeymoon. MOONSHINE. It looked to all appearance like the ending of the night, Although 'twas only moonshine that had flushed the east with light, Time's signalß seemed to signify the ni?ht had had its day, And yet the night was only turning prematurely grey. A bold, impulsive rooster, thought the night "was almost gone, Cocksure he saw approaching day he hailed it as the dawn, He flapped his wings with consoious strength then trumpted in pride, And heard his challenge echoed over all the country-side. His brethren took the chorus up and kept it tip until The moon at last, with smiling face, peeped over Bunkum Hill, And painful was their silence then, for shame their cackle hushed, The oock that crowed the loudest felt the most severely crushed. And mortal men like this mistake the moonshine for the dawn, And one man's self-assurance leads the doubtful many on. We oredit 'spouters' if they say, with emphasis and style, 1 Behold ! the day is dawning,' when it's moonshine all the while. Bulletin. An 'At Home ' was given aboard the Gothic at Wellington the other day. A society dame, who has a mania for blue blood and moves in the hupper suokles, got into conversation with a charminglydressed younpr lady who seemed to ' know everybody '—especially the gentlemen. Mrs Blueblood was much struck with her •young acquaintance's style, dress, and appearance and when they parted it was with a warm Bhake of the hand. By-and-bye the society lady met her son just as he was in the act of raising his hat to the fascinating young lady who knew everybody. ' Who is that young lady ?' asked mamma. The youth hesitated, bat at last said, ' That is Miss , of the hotel.' ' What !' shrieked mamma, ' have I aotually been making friends with a barmaid 9' And then rushing over to where that young person was standing, she gasped : • How dare yyoyou — yyoyon — yyoyou — you — hussy, you?' 'Dare? dare what?' demanded the girl. Tare make friends with me,' replied mamma. ' Make friends with you ? said the bartnaiden, ' I should be sorry to consider you any friend of mine ! Do you really suppose that I don't think myself •very bit as good as a painted, dyed, madeup old frump like you?' And the indignant Hebe walked away leaving mamma on the verge of hysterics.

IP STAMPS ABE ENCLOSED,

Oh, many things I would recall From fickle memory flee, — But oft when mailed to the editor ; My thoughts come back to me. Thus Adelaide Quiz : • Democracy is all very well in its way, but what does it mean ? Why, that you are to take what I have earned. There is altogether too much said about the working man. I like him, but I don't consider him a little tin god. Politicians only flatter him when they want to use him.' A true Bill ? At Ventnor (Eng.) lately a lady entered the post-office one Sunday evening aad asked the clerk k in charge of the counter to look after 'a poodle while she was in church. The clerk politely bnt firmly refused. Whereupon the lady indignantly remarked that the refusal was ' most disobliging on the part of a public aervant.' AN ACCEPTED REBUKE. He pressed his lips upon her hand, She said 'twas out of place ; He rectified the error And kissed her on the face. The Chanticleer announced with joy : ' The day, my dear, doth dawn ;' And the hen, engaged in hatching eggs, Eejoined in brief : * I'm on.' Some time ago a man named Nauman, residing at Napier, was treated by a local herbalist for lumbago. The treatment was not altogether a success, according to Nauman. The herbalist rubbed him over with ether liniment, and he then, feeling chilly, walked over to a lighted gasstove. He didn't feel chilly long. The ether took fire, and the patient was nearly roasted before the flames were extinguished. He brought an action against the herbalist claiming .£IOO damages. The case came on on Friday, when plaintiff was non-suited. She : Will you love me always ? He : Passionately, my darling. She : And you will never cease to love me ? He : Never, my darling. She: And you will, save your money ? He : Every cent. She : And you will never speak harshly tome? He : Never. She : And you will give up all your bad habits ? He : Every one of them. She : And you will get along with Mama? He: Yes. She: And Papa P He : Yes. She : And you will always do just what Mama wants you to do ? He: Yes. She : And just what Papa wants you to do P He : Yes. She = And just what I waDt you to do ?He : Of course. She : Well, I will be yours ; but I fear lam making an awful mistake. An Auckland doctor, who passes or rejects 'lives' submitted by a local Insurance Company, was examining a candidate for insurance the other day. ' Why, you have never been vaccinated 1' said the doctor. ' No.' ' Would you like to be — great safeguard, you know.' ' Ye-es,' said the examinee. ' Exouse me half a moment ' said the doctor and vanished for two minutes. Coming back he said : ' Let's see that arm of yours again, Mr . Thanks.' 'Oh!' suddenly exclaimed the patient nearly jumping off his chair, ' what did you do to me ?' 'Vaccinated you my dear sir. It's all over.' A day or two later the newly vaccinated had ' such an arm,' but he's all serene now. The dootor is not so young as he used to be, but the way he vaccinated that man shows he still keeps up with the procession. MY GIRL. Through various kinds of Summer weather — Hot, humid, oold and dry — We walked and sailed and swam together, My Summer girl and I. Ah me ! It was a pleasant season ; But I did not regret When Autumn came — for this good reason That Summer's with me yet. Fox Summer sunshine round her hovers Through Winter's frost and snow, And'I — ' cut out ' a Boore of lovers, And won her, years ago ! The Domestic Growler : Look at him ! He is a curiosity. He was pleasant enough an hour ago, as he sat in his offioe talking to Jones. With his chair tilted back the toes of his boots resting against the mantlepiece, his mouth extended into a guffaw in reply to one of Jones' yarns, you would have said he was one of the j oiliest fellows in the world. But he does not look so now. He considers it bad domestic policy to oome home smiling and oheerful ; it wonld not only lower his dignity as master of the house, but it would entourage his wife and ohildren to the asking of all sorts of favours, and goodness knows what extravagances. The only way, he believes to keep up a proper system of household authority and reduce household expenditure to its certain limits is to always find fault, and never relax for a moment the system of domestic snubbing. Of oourse, the coming home of the growler is not looked for with joy. All pleaaant influences take wing. The very atmosphere becomes charged with depressing or explosive influences.