Tit Bits AND Twaddle

Observer, Volume XIV, Issue 781, 23 December 1893, Page 11

Tit Bits AND Twaddle

J§Too many fires at Gisborne just now. Looks bad. Somebody asks : — Is marriage a luxury or a lottery ? It might be better defined as a neoessary evil. In marriage announcements in Spain the ages of both parties are given. But then the girls marry young in Spain. They have nothing to conceal. The ammunition used during the recent rifle matches in Victoria was colonial made, and gave the utmost satisfaction. Are you listening, Captain Whitney ? An odorless onion in cultivated by Chinese gardeners. This will be welcome news to the society maiden who is so often denied the luxury of pickled onions for obvious reasons. It has been proved by practical tests that torpedo boats painted a dull green colour escape notice even when a powerful search-light is brought to bear on them. Let us recommend the dull green colour to John Abbott. Most telegrams from Wellington te newspapers on election day commenced, ' The weather is fine, and there is great excitement.' Well, says Truth, we cannot blame our Wellington friends for being excited when they do get a fine day. Our American friends devote a large amount of attention to the subject of funerals They have numberless inventions designed for the comfort of the corpse. One of the latest enables the deceased to communicate, after burial, with his friends by means of electric bells. 'Are you in favour of poll- axing Chinamen?' queried one of Mr Carroll's audience at Giaborne — poll-taxing he meant. The candidate thought he could find a more humane way of treating them. ' Are you in favour of putting a tax on empty bottles?' asked another elector. ' Now that ia a corker,' said Mr Carroll. ' If it would do any good I would.' A singular practical joke has been perpetrated at the expense of two Eoman Catholic clergymen at Hobart. It was reported that Dean Woods had resigned, and that Father O'Callaghan had been appointed his successor, Father Mary to succeed the latter at Emu Bay. The clergymen named received letters from the Archbishop making the transfers, and replied accepting them and thanking him. It afterwards transpired that the signature was a forgery. The letters have been handed to the police. Adelaide Quiz publishes a portrait of Walter Bentley, from which we are sorry to see that our actor friend has been in the war since he was last here. Somebody has bitten off the end of his nose and the dootor has evidently cut a pound of flesh from W alter's chin to fill up the gap. Moreover, Walter has had low fever very badly, and smalipox and bad times. Either all this has happened to him or he should sue the Quiz artist for damages. We confess we cannot recognise Bentley in the picture. A bride tells of a difficult moment of her recent wedding trip. A few days of it were spent with an uncle of hers, very deaf and very pious. When they sat down to dinner on the night of their arrival, the uncle asked the groom to say grace. Much embarrassed, as he was unaccustomed to officiate in this way, he leaned forward, murmuring a request to be excused. Whereupon the uncle, watching him, only waited until his ltps stopped moving to utter a sonorous ' Amen !' in response. It is hardly necessary to add that the blessing for that meal went unsaid. A British peer, who is a marquis, an earl, a baron and a viscount all rolled into one, seeks to escape his tailor's dun by taking refuge in the House of Lords — or he pleads privilege as a member of that august body, which amounts to the same thing. How are the mighty fallen! Donegal cannot escape his tailor on the plea of privilege, and yet there was a time in England when he might have escaped the consequences of slaughtering that pertinacious tradesman on a similar plea. This was in the good old times when a high noble was allowed the right of killing one common man— a right that was often taken advantage of.

There are 275 American women classified as preachers. Alas, so few ? A Norwegian who has not been vaccinated is not allowed to record his vote. The farmer in Japan who has more than ten acres of land is looked upon as a monopolist. The cheap and nasty cigarette is very muoh in evidence in Sydney just now. Boys are the principal consumers. Tbe latest item of London club gossip is that a young gentleman who has succeeded to some property is gambling it away at the rate of £50 a night. At Pleasant Point, Timaru, there were 34 informal votes recorded on pollingday. And the population of the Point is oniy about a hundred. Are the ladies responsible ? At a country flower-show the other day the prizes consisted of gallons of beer, port wine, and * Old Tom.' The local temperance party boyootted thp exhibition severely, but it pulled through, all the same. Only about half the ladies in the Masterton electorate are 'on the roll.' It would be interesting to know how many Auckland ladies are in the same predicament, and also the why and wherefore. There has just been born at Bainsford, Falkirk, Scotland, a girl whose mother is seventeen, grandmother thirtyfour, great grandmother fifty-four, and great-groat-grandmother eighty- three, and all are alive and well. The handing over by Government of the control of the baths at Te Aroha to the looal Domain Board is causing general dissatisfaction amongst residents and visitors. We shall refer to this matter at greater length in an early issue. A travelling physiognomist lectured up country the other night. ' Brilliant and impulsive people,' he told the audience, 'have black eyes.' 'If they don't have them, they're apt to get them, if they're too impulsive ' he added thoughtfully. Thus the War Cry: 'We have just received cable news that Major Musa Bhai and party, from India, will visit this colony, arriving at the end of this month. Everybody fire a volley, and believe for big blessings.' The Observer adds a mild request that everybody will be patient, and that no guns will be used. Seventeen thousand landlords in England hold estates worth .£100,000,000. A hundred thousand agricultural laborers have not an inch of land. And yet there are crowds of landless people in New Zealand who are bitterly opposed to the crusade of our Government against land monopoly. ' What would you like for dinner to-night, dear ?' asked a young wife at Parnell as her husband was leaving for his office. ' H'm, let me see ?' he said. ' How would sweetbreads do ? I am very fond of them.' ' That will be just lovely !' she exclaimed ; ' and I will go round to the baker's and order them myself ?' At the Awanui public school — it is merely an iron shed — the lady teacher desires to resign. According to a Napier paper, there are no conveniences, no teacher's residence, and the ' school ' is near the hotel, in which the children generally are found. The roll comprises eight Europeans, 10 Maoris, and 12 halfcastes. Te Aroha is a great place for honeymooning. And it is astonishing what an interest the local residents appear to take in Edwin and Angelina. The happy pair are the observed of all observers, and when they take their walks abroad the people nudge each other and wink and make faces at each other. But then there is so little to do at Te Aroha, and such lots of time to do it in. Tbe evidence being taken by the Tariff Commission, lately appointed to inquire into the effects of Protection on the farming industry in Victoria, has been eliciting some curious information. One witress at Nhill declared, with the applause of the farmers and agriculturists who were present, that ' Protection had done more to bring Victorian farmers to their present position of dire extremity than anything else, and that nine-tenths of them were in favour of absolute Freetrade.' But then protection is so one-sided in its operation. The attention of the fair customer was attracted by a novelty in time-pieces. ' Are those pretty little alarm clooks good for anything?' Dealer: 'Yes, indeed, madam : I have one of the smallest sizes at home, and always depend on it when I want to catch a train.' ' Well, I want one for the servant girl's room.' ' Ahem ! Perhaps I'd better show you our new patent alarm made specially for that purpose. It is rather expensive, being a mechanical compound of a whistling buoy, an engine bell, and a foghorn.'

Two young ladies recently opened an afternoon tea shop in Sydney. They prefer selling tea to lady-helping or governessing. It has been decided to re-offer the Cheviot Estate Mansionhouse and 5000 acres of land surrounding for cash, the upset price being fixed at the same amount as before -4525,000. The War Cry contains a sketch — ' Why I am an officer,' by Captain McCallum. This is surely not Monty. He was a bombardier or something of that sort last time we heard from him. An ex-schoolmistress, in Melbourne, boldly advertises a new social departure. Her establishment is for girls, of country parentage, who have left school, and she will do her best to get them good matches, by introducing them into desirable society. 'I consider the American young man a splendid institution. He is easier in his manners than the Englishman, and more chivalric," said Miss Annesley Kenealy, the English judge of awards in hygiene at the World's Fair. That may be, but wiil he chop wood ? A lady presented herself at Mauriceville polling booth on election day to record her vote. The returning officer looked up her number. ' What is she ?' asked the scrutineer. 'Seventy-one,' was the reply. ' Nothing of the sort ' exclaimed the lady indignantly ' fifty-four next birthday.' The following is taken from the Bulletin, but, alas, no names are given: — A certain riotous politician makes his appearance in Maoriland Parliament as the result of the recent election. In the town where he resides, people generally know when he is at home by hearing the window smash at dinner-time and seeing the leg of mutton and the vegetables Bhoot wildly through the aperture. This is his little way of intimating that he isn't altogether satisfied with the provisions. AVTISB THE COOKING LECTTTEE. She measured out the butter with a very solemn air, The milk and sugar also; and she took the greatest care To count the eggs corectly, and to add a little bit Of baking powder ; which, you know, beginners oft omit. Then she stirred the lot together and she baked in for an hour ; Bnt she never quite forgave herself for leaving out the flour. Two up-country J.P.s recently fined a man five shillings for kissing a girl without her consent. ' Five shillings for a kiss !' exclaimed the defendant, who had evidently been in the habit of paying less for his kisses. ' Certainly,' said the Bench; 'kissing when the kissee objects constitutes an assault.' The defendant had seen the young lady home and thought he was entitled to a chaste salute by way of payment. The young lady thought otherwise, and hence these tears. It was at a dinner party in the Colonies. A prosperous lawyer was re- j counting his career. ' When I took my first brief,' he said, ' I was excited and nervous, especially as my client was a consummate scoundrel — a bad eerg. But then I was beginning my practice. He was a man of good family, the reputation of which would have been fatally tarnished had he been convicted, co I took the case and got the rascal off.' After dinner, entered an important personage, great friend of the host, who presented the lawyer to him. Great Personage (patronizingly) : ' I don't need to be introduced to this gentleman. I met him long ago. In fact, I may say, and lam pleased to say it, that I gave him his first start in life. I was his first client.' Max O'Eell on the Colonies : — The colonial characteristics are hospitality, cheek, conceit, and irreverence for everything that is respected. If you are stuck up, don't go to the colonies ; but if yon. are willing to play the part of good fellow, and willing to fall in with everything, then you may go. The Australian women are the most t'rivolous_ I have ever met. They can think of nothing but lawn tennis, tea parties, garden parties and calls. They.are very particular about ' the set ' with which they mix. In a little town called Horsham, Vio., with only three thousand inhabitants, I remember mentioning to one lady I had seen another lady in the town. ' Oh, yes,' she said, ' I have heard of her, but we don't move in the same set.' For tasteful and choice wedding) birthday, and visiting cards, the Observer Office takes the cake. Endless variety, combined with first-rate materials, and the very best workmanship. The girls all say the Observer wedding cards ' bring 1 good luok.'

SOME STIRRING EVENTS OF TOE WEEK.

SOME SKETCHES SUGGESTED BY A KEMAEKABLE CASE.