charming mrs. Chubb: Or the Parnell Backelors. And the sea

Observer, 21 December 1893, Page 25

charming mrs. Chubb: Or the Parnell Backelors. And the sea

ened the kitchen door and poked his long nose in. Payne, who was seated on an empty beer-keg in front of the fire, fork in hand, and pipe in mouth, superintending the frying of a panful of cutlets, nodded, but answered not. "Do you know," continued Crabb, as he came in, and took the "rocker," "do you know, I am beginning to feel full up on chops ? The expression is vulgar, I know, but it conveys my meaning to a 't.' The chop is a wholesome, nutritious, and, under ordinary circumstances, even an appetising article of diet, but when it is served up twice a day, including Sundays, it palls, so to speak. Personally, I do not hanker for chops as I once did." "My sentiments, exactly," said Spooner. " Same here," said Yance. Payne merely growled. " Bachelorising is much better in theory than in practice," resumed Crabb, thus encouraged. " The novice thinks of it as a life free from the thraldom of landladies, economical, Bohemian, free-and easy. But, experientia docet. Things are seldom what they seem. The old hand knows that bachelorising is full of bothers, makeshifts — " " Chops," suggested Payne. "And washings-up," chipped in Spooner. Vance said nothing, but he looked volumes. "You take the words out of my mouth," said Crabb, " and Payne, my boy, if you will excuse me for venturing to mention it, those chops are burning. ' Payne, uttering a hasty exclamation, turned the chops savagely and went on smoking. "The fact is," continued Crabb, who delights in the sound of his own voice, " the fact is, bachelorising without a housekeeper is a delusion and a snare. What, as the poet has beautifully asked, is home without a mother ? "What is bachelorising without a housekeeper ?" "But bachelorising with a housekeeper," broke in Spooner, " would be simply immense." Payne removed his pipe to acquiesce, and Vance, the least demonstrative of the quartette, remarked that a housekeeper would be " worth trying." "Worth trying! I should say so!" exclaimed the impulsive Spooner, " it's a splendid idea. If you fellows are on I'll pop a shilling ' wanted ' in the Star to-morrow, and we'll have a housekeeper. She'll cook our Christmas dinner for us, and give Payne a rest. Do you remember our last Christmas dinner, Payne ?" " Well, it wasn't so bad, now, was it ?" said Payne, his good temper quite restored, as the result of tea-dinner. "A feast for the gods," said the cynical Crabb "Figuratively speaking, of course, for the gods feasted not on roast beef and plum pudding." "Ah, that plum - pudding," said Spooner, with a slight shudder. " I can feel it on my chest yet !" • " And yet," mused Crabb, " they say nothing is ever made in vain. Doubtless, therefore, even Payne's puddings must serve some useful purpose if we could only discover what it is." "As a substitute for road-metal — " Spooner was beginning, when Payne interrupted him : " Well, it all disappeared, anyhow." "Thereby hangs a tale, Payne," said Crabb, "it certainly did disappear — but enough. About this new departure, now. It is agreed that we engage a housekeeper? Very well, only remember this— the first man that is caught mashing that housekeeper — " " Dies," said Payne.

" Goes," said Spooner. " At once," said Vance. It was carried unanimously. * * * * * * We received twenty -five replies to that advertisement. There are lots of ladies — real ladies, too — waiting to fill such billets in Auckland. Our choice finally fell on Mrs. Chubb, a nice, fresh-complexioned, rosy-lipped, plump, little person, with the nattiest of figures, the most captivating of smiles. She was about twenty-seven, blue-eyed, golden-haired, and a widow, and we all fell violently in love with her at first sight. She was engaged on the spot. She told us her sad story, and there was not a man amongst us who didn't sympathise deeply with that sweetest of little women, as with downcast eyes, and faltering voice, she recited her tale of woe. Married to a man she believed to be all goodness and kindness, a sort of earthly saint in a suit of tweed, she discovered her

terrible mistake when it was all too late. Death, merciful death, had freed her at last from her hateful bonds — and she had been dependent ever since on her own exertions. Her own exertions t The idea of a dear little goldenhaired thing like that being dependent on her own exertions! It was ridiculous, preposterous, not to be thought of ! So long as she would stop with us, we told her, she need never be without a home, " and a true friend!" added Crabb, squeezing her hand, I do believe, tinder the table. Crabb always was so susceptible. "True friends," corrected Spooner, who evidently objected to Crabb's monopoly of the fascinating widow. " Ah, that is more like it!" said Payne. "Yes, much more like it," said Vance diffidently, but Vance always was shy with womenfolk. The pretty widow smiled at us through her pearly tears — such a heavenly smile ! — in which coquetry was mingled with gratitude. "How can I ever, thank you all sufficiently?" she asked in that musical voice of hers. " I know I shall be

happy here. How fortunate, how very, very fortunate, I have been to find such a home, such friends I" ' ■ Here she glanced rather more, languishingly at Crabb, who found it quite impossible to conceal his admiration, than we other fellows altogether approved. She certainly !«w a fetching little person! We felt that we could have died for her, individually and collectively. What a difference a woman makes in a house ! Slovenliness vanished in the presence of Mrs. Chubb. The place began to look home-like. The transformation even extended to ourselves. We began to devote more attention to our personal appearance. We got home toParnell earlier from town. We sat longer over our dinner. We vied with each other in paying homage at the shrine of beauty. Oh, the heartburnings, the rivalry, the jealousy excited by Mrs. Chubb ! How, when Crabb brought her home a bouquet from town, we others glared at him and considered that 'he had taken a mean advantage of us. How, when Spooner invited her to accompany him to the Opera House, to see a new melodrama, and she graciously accepted the invitation, we others ground our teeth while Crabb was heard to mutter that the abolition of duelling was a fatal mistake ! And our housekeeper improved on acquaintance. She was delightful " company." Accomplished, too. Could sing and play really well. She used to sing duets with Crabb, while we sat by dying with envy. And she was such a heavenly cook 1 We'd have done anything for her. We were her slaves. Christmas Day came. What a contrast it was to the last Christmas Day ! The dinner was a dream. The soup was delicious, the turkey done to a turn, the roast beef would have tempted a vegetarian, the plum-pudding was a triumph ! And when, after dinner, Mrs. Chubb, charming Mrs. Chubb, retired to the drawing room — oh, yes, we'd got the place decently furnished long before this — and left us to our pipes and Glenlivet, we sang our housekeeper's praises with one voice. As Crabb put it, " She had such a taking way with her." "No mashing, Crabb," remarked Spooner, who was as jealous as he could be at the real or fancied partiality displayed by the pretty widow for Crabb, our senior by some years. "My dear fellow," replied Crabb, " a man of my age may surely venture to admire a pretty woman without being suspected of harboring matrimonial intentions, I hope ?" "I don't know," said Spooner. " And / don't know," said Payn.

"Nor do I," said Vance. "Pooh," aaid Crabb, looking rather confused, "Well, there's no harm in drinking her health, is there ? Fill up, boys 1 Mrs. Chubb — here's to her jolly good health I" "Mrs. Chubb!" echoed Spooner, enthusiastically, "the dearest, sweetest little " "No spooning, Spooner !" sternly interposed Crabb. Spooner, who had had quite as much Glenlivet as was good for him, subsided. We drank the toast with enthusiasm, and all standing, of course. Our delightful home life continued for a month, a whole month longer. We were better pleased with Mrs. Chubb every day. We half ruined ourselves in buying her presents. One day at breakfast Crabb suggested asking two or three fellows up to tea that night, just to show them what a bachelor establishment, properly looked after, and presided over by a plump angel with blue eyes and golden hair, was like. " Let us make them envious," said Crabb. We were agreeable. The fellows were -asked. We all went home by the Parnell 'bus together. We took those

other fellows to our cottags. We knocked, and told our visitors to be prepared to gaze upon a vision of female loveliness. Then ■we knocked again. There was no answer. This was perplexing. Never, in our three months' experience of Mrs. Chubb, had we known her to be off-duty at this 'hour. What could be the matter? Was she ill? — suffering? Crabb, turning pale at the thought, ran round to the back, got in at the kitchen window, and opened the front door for us We entered. The kitchen looked as neat and tidy as ever, but there was not the remotest sign of tea. Lying on the big deal table was a note, addressed in a sweet familiar hand. Crabb pounced on it first. It was addressed to "Messrs. Crabb, Payne, Spooner and Vance." This is what it said : — " Hawthorn Cottage, Parnell. " Friday, half -past 10 a.m. " Gentlemen, — " Permit me. to thank you sincerely for the very pleasant time I have passed in your agreeable society. You have treated me like a lady, and I deeply regret that cruel Fate should part us, and force me to act as lam doing. It seems so ungrateful, especially as you have each and all — even Mr. Vanee — honoured me with a proposal of marriage" We glanced at each other in utter confusion. The secret we had each guarded so jealously from the other was a secret no longer — the cat was out of the bag ! Grabb hurriedly resumed. He was actually blushing ! "But alas, gentlemen, I have deceived you! My dear husband (for with all his faults I love him still, gentlemen, deeply, devotedly — and really he is not quite so black as I painted him) lives. [We learned afterwards that the fellow had but that morning emerged from Mount Eden Gaol, and that his name was not Chubb at all.] "By the time you receive this we shall be far, far away from dear old Auckland, where lately I have been so happy. A parting word of advice : When next you engage a housekeeper be sure to ask for references. It is always the best plan. An revoir. " Yours gratefully, sorrowfully (dare I add affectionately ?) Adelina Chubb." Yes, she had gone — and so, we subsequently discovered, had sundry rings, pins, sleeve-links, two gold watches and £20 in hard cash, our property. Truly, as Crabb said, she had a taking way with her ! Heigho! we are all married now — all except Crabb, whose faith in womankind has gone forever !