Tit Bits AND Twaddle

Observer, Volume XI, Issue 780, 16 December 1893, Page 11

Tit Bits AND Twaddle

Notwithstanding its prevalence, the north-easterly gale will never become popular as a national air. Apropos to the female franchise, we are all agreed that woman's proper sphere is in the house — hut not the House of Eepresentatives. - ' What made you think the collection was taken up to get the minister a new suit ?' ' Because so many of the congregation pnt in buttons.' It very frequently happens that a man gets en a bust and loses his balance ; but in Australia lately it is the bank that gets on a bust and the man loses his balance. Here is a sample of the Isitt (reverend) wit in the Prohibitionist • — ' Heavenly paperß please copy.' Too coarse for a wharf lumper, but accepted by the orthodox as delicate and refined when it comes from the pen of an Isitt. Thus the Marlborough Express on the day of the election : — ' No leading article to-day. "We are tired. Some of the editors were most tired the day after the elections when the results were made known. One of the female frauchisists at Christchurch had a sister who was too ill to go to the ballot, and so she very kindly voted for her. She thought it wonld be all right, but it was not, and now proceedings are threatened. Even the .franchise has its dangers. Jinks was on dangerous ground wheia he remarked to Miss Flyrt at the Ponsonby Regatta : ' You wouldn't take me for a married man, would you ?' ' I rather think I would, if you should ask me,' was the prompt reply' of the darling girl. Side by side with the records of the distress in Sydney and Melbourne, come stories of improvidence, drink and gambling. A preacher in Sydney lately said he had been told by prolessed authorities that there were 300 professional gamblers in Sydney at the present time, and the income requisite to support them in their manner of liviDg was at least .£3OO per annum each, which means .£90,000 a year. A compliment comes to the Observes, all the way from Honolulu. The editor of the Hawaiian Progress, in a recent issue, says : — ' We are in receipt of a file of the N.Z. Observer and Free Lance, one of the most vigorous journals published in our antipodes. "What a pity our learned Attorney-General or our press censors haven't got such a paper to deal with, and show their " liberal " spirit on. We congratulate the editor of the Observer upon the fact that he isn't in business here.' From which we conclude that freedom of speech is not allowed to the press of Honolulu. An Anglican clergyman, living a short distance from Dunedin, nearly lost his life the other day from camphor poisoning. He helped himself to a dose of fifty grains of camphor, but fortunately, haviDg drunk only half, he did not return to finish the draught for about four hours after, or otherwise he believes nothing less than a miracle could have saved him. Within two hourß after drinking the second half he suddenly felt his life overpowered and ebbing, and wsb lying down on a couch to die, thinking it a sudden visitation of God, ■when quick as lightning came the first thought of camphor-poisoning, on which he rose suddenly and made for the open air, walking about hastily, and feeling as if every moment would be his last, until the doctor came, who administered strong Btimulantß, and in the course of an hour the imminent danger had passed away. He says, though perfectly aware of everything going on around him, and so fully conscious as to be able to reflect as to whether hit- will and papers and accounts were all clear, 30 as to save trouble after his death, yet he seemed, as it were, in the midst of a dream or vision in which nothing seemed real, but only echoes and reflections ot the things themselves He believes now that be knows something of the bodily sensations of dying without actually passing into the regions of the cad.

The prison garb, is generally admitted to be a very bad habit. It is- quite true that Jigson is financially interested in the concern he is with. They owe him six months' salary. There is a girl out Eemuera way who is such a strict prohibition^ t that she will not heat her curling tongs over a spirit lamp* "Wind, may be tempered to shorn lambs, sometimes, perhaps, but you wouldn't think so generally, to see them shivering during the last week or two. The newspapers are forever speaking of the ' blushing bride.' Well, when you reflect upon the kind of husband not a few of the brides marry, you cannot wonder that they should blush. Many female votes were made in formal at the elections in Auckland through the women signing their names to the ballot papers. They wanted to make certain that Mr Halyday wonld know it was all right. The ironworkers of Sydney showed a good spirit last week by meeting together to devise means by which upwards of one hundred of their unemployed fellow craftsmen wonld be provided with work. Tho deliberations, however, went no further i haii the stereotyped resolutions that the Government should be requested to put in hand contracts that would give work to everybody.

' Vote early and vote often ' was the watchword of a select party of jokers on polling day. ' May I have the honor of taking your daughter in to supper ?' asked Giffin of a lady he met at a cricket sociable. ' May you take her into supper,' echoed the dame. *I should think you may just ; and me too. That's what we came for.' Giffin didn't follow it up any further. One elector, who cut out of his ballot paper the name of the candidate for whom he did not intend to vote, with a view of winning a bet by showing the latter name to the better, as a proof of how he had given his vote, lost his vote, lost his bet, and is likely to lose some more of his money in defending a prosecution, if he does not finally lose his liberty for a time as well as total disenfranchisement. It makes you careful.— Trutli. There are one or two very pretty girls in the Brighton contingent of the Salvation Army, and one in particular, who has just joined, has attracted a great deal of attention from the boys on the front. Not long ago, one of these young bloods made a bet that he would seoure an appointment with the beauty that same evening, and approachißg her after the meeting, he slipped into her hand a fiver. She put it in her pocket. 'And — ah — where shall I meet you bye and bye ?' pursued the masher. 'In heaven, I hope,' placidly answered the lassie, as she walked away with the note.

Truth ' vouches for this episode as genuine : Woman at Christohurch polling booth — ' I don't see Mr Prohibition's name here, sir, and I'm not going to vote for anyone else.' She : — ' But you know you have no reason to be jealous of me ; yon know you haven't.' He: — 'Reason? Reason? 1 dispensed with my reason encirely when I fell in love with you.' An English paper describes New Zealanders as 'a nation of tea' drunkards.' Well, that is the worst they can say of us in the drinking line, at all events, and it is not very bad at that. At the forenoon service in the Napier Cathedral the other Sunday morning, two lads and a girl fainted and another girl went into hysterics. Surely the Dean must be becoming very impressive. Loss of memory is sometimes a risky thing in a Court. This is at least the experience of a yoang storekeeper named James Power, of Sydney. He was a witness in a certain case, and persistently f -tiled to recall certain eireo instances that he had previously deposed to in his cvi dence at a former hearing of the case. James pleaded an unfortunate fall on his head that had destroyed his memory, and was rather astonished when His Honor committed him to Darlinghurst until he succeeded in finding the memory he had so unaccountably lost.

' Scrutator,' in the New Zealand Mail, says : ' The New Zealand Herald is frequently to he considered a highly humorous journal— unconsciously humorous — but I have never seen it so funny as it was on the morning after the election, when it gravely announced in boldest of head-lines, " The Eesults of the Elections — Defeat of the Government !" In Auckland itappears there are some worthy people who can make themselves, if not other people, believe that night is day and black is white.'

Verily, the playful and facetious journalist walks in slippery places. There if an outspoken little society paper named Fair Play at Wellington, whose . editor delights in those racy little remarks which contribute bo much to the pungency of society literature and which are so deliehtful to the feelings of the super-sensitive individual who happens to be tickled up for the time being. But people are so peculiar.' They don't like it, strangely enough. After the elections, for instance, Fair Play suggested in a fit of pleasantry, quite in keeping with the spirit of electioneering, that Mr Bell was exhilirated by something other than his victory. Now, Mr Bell was elected by the prohibition vote, and he failed to see the point of the joke. He has commenced proceedings against the Fair Play man for libel. Well may the Fair Play, man say * Here's a how-dye-do ; here's a pretty mess.' Jokeß are liable to be misunderstood — even in fair play...

The direct descendant in the fifth generation of one of England's best known and most illustrious . generals lives, or rather existß, in New South Wales— in a perpetually closed and darkened room. Save when the door is opened to admit or let out his attendant, no air is permitted to penetrate the apartment except that whioh gets in under the. door, and, in obedience to the laws of fluid-pressure, through unknown vents. This scion of nobility believes himself too ill to get up and walk, and. therefore dies continually in bed ; also, though his eyesight is not affected, he keeps his eyes bandaged and fancies he cannot use them. With utterly vacant mind, he lies thus always in the dark, and his attendant has to feed and otherwise assist him, always in the dark. He is a man of means, and is fed on English game and fish and all the delicacies of the season; he eats well and does not lose flesh. He was in early life a somewhat distinguished scientist. Let us add* in conclusion, that the Bulletin is responsible for this story.