MIXED PICKLES

Observer, Volume 9, Issue 525, 12 January 1889, Page 9

MIXED PICKLES

,_ . . „ . . <^ Hans mkalls for insertion under tin's head are invited from retnPrs in town or country. All offerings must be avthenficrtftJ by the real name ami address of the writer and should rccch us not later than 9 a.m. on Tuesday. \

—The ISTorth Shore is a charming place to spend a spate hour or two at during these long, lazy, hot summer afternoons. The trip across is jolly, and the sea breeze delicious. Then the cooling claret cup, the hock and soda, or the grateful draught of beer, served in its native pewter, at Billy Pierces ! After thai a cigar and a stroll on Cheltenham Beach, the waves tumbling in at your feet on the hard ribbed sand. Then for a climb over the rocks back Masonic wards. You must be careful what you are about, though. Mermaidens haiuit these 'rocks and will dash with a little scream of dismay into the salt sea waves on catching sight of your manly form. It is very embarrassing sometimes. Last week two young men who are shining lights at the V.M.C.A., and who never smoke, drink, play cards, read novels, or indulge in other sinful games, oamo quite suddenly on a bevy of beauties bathing. Tho girls wore* all attired in proper bathing costumes, of course, but those good young men blushed pain-

fully as they beat a hasty retreat. So comic was their dismay that the] fair ones couldn't help smiling audibly, and a peal of silvery laughter followed the young men as they fled. Strangers .say that we are very much Americanized in our ways in New Zealand and more particularly so in Auckland, but we have not picked up one American notion that is worth picking up— the sexes do not bathe together here as they do at all American watering places. Mrs Grundy takes refuge behind her fan and is quite shocked at the id^a ! And yet where does the impropriety of the thing come in ? Some of the dresses worn at our evening parties, our ball 3 and our theatres are far more ' improper,' if you come to that, than our girls' bathing costumes. Seally Mrs Grundy 13 a very absurd person, an;l Hire her sex in general, full of ineonrstencies. THE A'jED HOUSEWJFK'S I'EAVKR. I pray that, risen from the dead, I may in glory stand, A crown, perhaps, upon my head — But a needle in my hand. I've no time to learn to play — So let no harp be mine Through all my life, by night and day. Plain sewing's been my line. Therefore, accustomed, to the end, To plying useful stitches, I'll be content if asked to mend The little angels' breeches. — The new -Sydney magazine, the Centcn■nial, is rapidly growing in popularity. It would be strange if it were otherwise, seeing the excellenoe of the literary bill-of-fare put month by month before the readers of the Centennial, which is run much upon the lines of the high- class London magazines, and endeavours to cater for all classes of readers— from the mail of science to the lover of fiction. The first number appeared on the Ist of last August, and since that time a, very marked improvement is noticeable both in the illustrations and in the literary matter. The services of all the most prominent Australian writers have been enlisted. Such names as those of Balpli Boldrewood, JJr. Carroll, Profesßor W. Baldwin Spencer, etc., are bound to make the Centennial sought for, while it will probably aid in developing latent literary ability and in introducing now and untried authors to the public. The Centennial is not a mere local production; it possesses a general interest, and ought to command an Australasian circulation. We wi3h it every possible success, and, to use an original phrase, feel sure it will ' fill a long felt want.' It is beautifully printed, well illustrated, extremely well ' got up,' and its contents are varied and interesting. The price is one shilling monthly, and the office is 100, Castlereagh-street, Sydney. — &.t St. Peter's Gate Again.-- ■' Haven't I seen your face before ?' ' I shouldn't wonder. I didn't back up to the gate when I tried to get in the other time.' ' When was that ?' ' When I was on the earth the other time, before I was re-incarnated.' ' Well, I will let you in this time, because you didn't work the old chestnut on me when I asked you the first question.' * What old chestnut ?' ' Why, that you generally wear it that way.' f Thanks. I guess I will go in. But do many people work that chestnut on you ?' 'Lots of^ them. Some of the old Biblical worthies, whom you would never suspect of such a thins 1 , throw it at me with perfect sang fi-oul. I never shall forget the very first instance of where it was not attempted.' ' Who was the individual 4 Lot's wife.' — 'Bridget,' said the head of tho house, arrayed in evening- dress, ' I am unexpectedly called out for the evening, and I want you to see that your mistress gets this note as soon as she comes in, without fail.' ' Vis, sorr.' responded Bridget, ' I'll lave it in the pocket of the trousers ye've just taken off.' — It is much the same in politics as in religion. We first make up our minds in which direction we will go and then spend our lives in the endeavour to convince ourselves that we have chosen the right path. And we refuse to admit any but ex parte evidence ; anything that tells against us is ruled out as irrolevaoi or unworthy of belief.

—A. Man Under the Bed.—' Yes, Charley r had gone out on a racket, you know, and I went to bed, and only to think that while I was undressing there was a man in the room all the time !' , „ . ' Well, fortunately for you had a good figure, so it didn't matter.' ' Well I turned out the light and .ramped into bed, and just as I was drooping- oix to^leep I heard a slight cough from underneath me. 1 Weren't you frightened ?' ' I was just too scared for anything.' 'And what happened next:' 1 ' I heard seme one crawl from under tlie bod, and then I fell; some one stooping over and idling me' ' And you didn't scream '.' ' I couldn't.' ' What did he do next ?' j ' Oh, he touched- me with his huiul.' j ' The scoundrel. And I suppose ' j ' Yes, that's juat what he did— crawled aik> !'o<i j with mo and began fco hug me.' j ' You are a pretty nice woman ! I'ffl sorry to j say, Mrs Battcrman, that I cannot bo any longer a friend of yours. A. woman that doesn't objocl: to that kind of thing isn't fit for any eocejut person to associate with.' i ' Oh, stop a minute. T forg.iL to toll you it j was Charley, who had come home early aii'l pot j under the bed to surprise me.' Collapse. 1 — The Ihnrh is responsible for rhis :— A funny story comes from Dover. A vsvy young boy, who has recently married wi*oiy and well, saw his aged wife off at Charing Crosrv. her destination ostensibly being Nice. Two days after the boy took, say, a cousin down to 1 Jig old harbour town, and sent her her upstairs uoforo dinner to decorate after the journey. Si rolling casually about the place in tho interim he went into the smoking room, and, to his unspeakable surprise, he saw the wife he hadboli^vod to be at Nice just entering the doors. In a i'ow minutes the youth had seized hi;; bag and taken a return ticket, forgetting all about his cousin upotair>. and neglecting to pay tho bill. The young lady, when she found that her Lothario h;ul tlad, divined tbe reason of it, and, detcr'.iutnr,.?; to enjoy herself, consumed a, super!) Jinnor. Next day, on looking into the visitor;/ book, hhe espied the reason of the hasty iii»hl : and boin^ quick-witted she watched the- old "kniy ;:ui for :t drive, and then packed up her baggage. On riio landlord presenting lii.s bill she iv^veUO'l that i;>. v r husband had been recalled to London, but .-aid that it would bo all right, a? his m^.thov \vn-< ciyj ing there and would pay. The oldorly ludy's expression when the bill was pre-ontod to lil'V is not recorded. — Society item : — Ballroom Belle: ' You wuuM -cure Ay Ix-ueve if. j Mr Oldboy, but that lady so.ited :io-..'r the opyn window has over two lrur.dre.l ilr-js^c-*. ' 2\\v Old- j boy: 'Is it possible!' Wny doesn't she pin (-no of 'cm our' | —St Helier's is beconni 1^ m^iv a\A more popular every summer as v p!:i.:o of holiday report. The journey dowi: by steamer only occupies a little more than lialf'-an-hour. The beach is one of the finest in the colony for b->.l!.'i:;g ; Hie wiitor being shallow and beautifully <4eai\ Away upon the cliff tbe view is magnificent ; th'i Xortk Shr>ro, North Head, and Eangitoto v, ] .\ lay .-proaa o't like a panorama. Beneath is the lowly bcac-li with children bathing and gathering pipis : on tn,-' loncp pier are a few loungers stroll in e~ la;:i!y, inliii!i::g the soft salt sea breeze. Dotted all about are picnic parties, and billies are boiling over a score of camp fires . At the hotel, a fine spacious building- with a splendid dining-room, Host Montgomery and his staff of assistants are as bu?y a.- they cm ho in ministering to the wants of a crowd of thirsty visitors. Long beers, wh;:-i-:ie ; j and codas, lemonades, 'shandies ' etc.. etc., appear and disappear in a twinkling. On the neighbouring cliffs tho gnarled and twisted pohutakawa trees are all in blossom, masses of deep rich rod. Wherever you turn there if. something to bo seen, something 1 to be done. St. Helier's, as one lady described it the other day on the homeward bound steamer : i.s a little Paradise.' And a return ticket for this Paradise enabling you to spend live or six hours at the seaside may bo obtained for ono .shilling : A LOVE AITAIR. A cannibal maiden loved too woli A missionary good, And he loved her, but dared not ieii j His love — for thus it stood : _ : A cannibal she and a clergyman lie, j And their creeds were wide dpart : ] And how could he take, for a, senthr.eni'.s .-akc. i A cannibal to his heart ? j Oh, 'twas a problem vexing, very, For the cannibal maid and the missionary-- \ Indeed it was. flip© But tho cannibal maiden's love grow bold, For she was a simple thing ; And thus her love to her love she told : ' Oh, marry me ! Be my king ! For I love you my sweet, well enough- -oh, to eat ! 'Tis a terrible thing, I know ; But I must be your bride, or encompass you fried, Oh, I must, for Hove you so !' Oh, 'twas a problem vexing, very. For the maid, but more to tho missionary — Indeed it was. He looked in tlie cleptlis of her dark 'brovt-n eyes. With their wealth of love and trust, And he cried, in the flush of a gltid surprise : ' Ah, well, if I must, I must !' They were wed on that day ; for 'tis ever the way That passion must conquer creed, And a happier pair it's remarkably rare To discover— it is indeed ! And so 'twas settled nicely, very, For the cannibal maid and the missionary — Indeed it was. — ' Did you ever take the pledge ?' asked a temperance advocate of a tramp. ' Often,' said the tramp. ' Where ?' 'At the pawnbroker's,' was the bitter reply

S —The enterprising book agent still furnishes the weary paragraphist with ' items.' One of these vendors of literary treasures recently waited upon a Ponsonby lady. The maid servant, being young and unsophisticated, admitted him. Two minutes later the lady of the house called ; 1 Maria, show this person the door,' ' Thanks, Maria,' chipped in the book ascent cheerfully! ' but you needn't trouble yourself on my account! 1 saw the door as I came in. But (turning to the lady again) ii 3 1 was saying, madaa. this unrivalled work ' — he got an order. — 'And when I see so many threepenny pieces in tho offertory bags ' said a local parson S the other Sunday, in fchs course of a charity ! sermon, ' [ feel like Eowland Hill, who said that he would like to sco all niggardly givers Irung up

head downwards, in order that the money tlioy had ; about them might roil out of: their breeches' pockets and bo picked up by tlio plate-holdera for the benoiit of the collection. That settles it ; the threepenny bit must go. It Avas in a little town in Pennyslvauut. A beautiful woman was recently on trial for conspiracy to rob. Ju a short tinio the rustic jury began to go to pieces. They were solid, hirsnto, honest tanners. They came the first day in slouch bats, rod flannel shirts, baggy pants and unshaven races. Tlio ns::fc day there was a marked change • - paper coliaiv. glinted like a fresh ironing; on a clothes-horse. Third day liair neatly cut all around : one old fellow had shaved his bushy whiskers, leaving 1 a killing moustache with the ends soaped to a point ; fourth day uew suits of store clothes, white shirts and cull' buttons ; fifth day button-hole bouquets to a man. Sixth clay, every blooming one of them with his photograph in his pocket, waiting 1 for an opportunity to slip it into her hand unperceivod. Seventh day /hoy brought her in not guilty and her accuser had to run for his liro to escape being lynched. f-Jveat i* the power oi n. pretty face. — Te w.o' BiJhu</-<. What maybe heard at a fiislaionaWo wed • liner in ohnrch ; — Hou-sl-.cci'incp! Pretty, isn't .'die ? Wlio made her dre>s ': Is it surah silk or s/itin ■ Is hey veil real laeo ? She's as white as the wall '. Wonder how much h-Vs woith ? Did lie give her these diamonds ? He's scared to death ! Isn't she tho nool piece? That train's n horrid shape. Isn't her mother a dowdy ? Aron'^ tlio bridesmaids homely : That \s a ham.lsome usher ! Hasn't s'as a onto little hand r Wonder what number her .glove- arc- • They say her shops are fives. If his hair isn't parted in the middle :_ Wonder what on earth she murriec; iiim toi ? For his moupy of course ! Isn't he handsome ? He's as hoineVy as a hedgehog .' No, he's like a dancing- rnas tin 1 ! Good enough for her. anyway. She always was a stuck-up thing. She'll be worse than over now ! She jilted Sum Somebody, didn't she - No, he never asked her. He's loft town, anyway. There, the ceremony hu.s begun. Isn't he awkward ? White as his collar ! Why dou't they hurry up ? Did she say ?hc would ' obey :' What a precious fool ! There, they are married ! Doesn't she look happy r Pit/y if she wouldn't! (Wish l were in her place). Doesn't she cling tightly to him, though ? She lias a mortgage on him now ! Hope they'll be happy ! They c-ay she's awful smart. Too smart for him by a jugful. There, they are getting in the carriage ! That magniiicent dress will be squashed: The way she does look at him. They say she worships him ! Worship ! She's only making believe '. It's kind o' nice to get married, isn't it? j No, it's a dreadful bore. \ Wasn't it a stupid wedding ? What dowdy dresses ? I'll never go to another ! I'm just suffocated ! Tired to death ! Glad it's over ! Oh, dear ! — Original Fable : — A. man who was returning Home through a Field met a Bull. The man wore a red handkerchief around his nook, and this made the bull Mad. Ho came pawing around tho man aid said : ' Why do you wear that horrid thing round your neck?' The man, Frightened out of his life ; at the savage aspect of the bull, took refuge bo- j hind a Lie : ' This is not red,' he said, pointing to his handkerchief, ' this is black ; you are colour blind.' 'I am nothing 1 of the kind,' snorted the Bull, ' and I am net a Fool, either. That handkerchief is red.' ' You are labouring under a \ mistake, sir,' replied the man, humbly, ' I never j wear red.' ' There is no one about, remarked the ; bull, 'to whom we can refer the question, and so ; we will decide it ourselves. I will toss you I up whether you have your way or I have mine ' i — so saying the Bull tossed the man over the Pence. When the man got up he felt Bad. Moral : When you meet an adversary who is ; physically stronger than yourself don't argue with j him Let him have his own way. — First Preachex : ' You appear to be hay- ! ing remarkable success, brother.' I Second Preacher : ' Yes, my people have "been ' very liberal since I changed my plan of taking 1 up collections. I now have it done before the ser- j mon !' ' Has that made a difference ?' ' A very great difference. If I find the coileo•fcion small I preach a two hours' sermon on charity, but whon it is large I give them a twenty minute sermon on the delights of heaven.'