MIXED PICKLES

Observer, Volume 9, Issue 524, 5 January 1889, Page 9

MIXED PICKLES

« Items suitable for insertion under this head are invited from readers in town or country. All offerings must be authenticated by the real name and address of the ivrltc.r and should reach us not later than 9 a.m. on Tuesday.

— Sometime ago we related how a Newton woman bought a leg 1 of mutton on tick from her butcher, price 3s, and sold it immediately afterwards for Is cash, with which money she went off to one of the skating rinks. Last week we heard another yarn of the same kind, only this time it was a masher, gilt-edged edition, and handsomely bound in cloth, who wanted to go to the rink and had no money to go with. Store than this, he had promised to take two young ladies (to one of whom he was paying attentions with a view to matrimony) with him. To put off the visit was out of the question. That might displease his girl, and his girl is worth winning, having an independant income of her own. In this dilemma the masher suddenly bethought himself of ' Uncle,' and stuffing his dress suit into a carpet bag he ran off to see what his obliging relative would lend on it. TJncle advanced a sovereign, and so that was all right. To hurry home and get ready to meet the two girls didn't take the impecunious one long. They had a good time at the rink. All went well until the masher anxious to show off before his girl, indulged in a little fancy skating— and then he fell. He was quickly on his feet again, and was just laughing 1 it off when a small boy pulled his coat tails and said : ' Mister, you dropped something.' It wa.3 the pawn-ticket I— and his girl saw it ! And that is why the engagement is broken rff. — He is a temperance lecturer and young at the work. Consequently lie is not up to all the tricks of the trade, and being unaccustomed to public speaking, frequently falls into verbal pitfalls always carefully avoided by old hands. He

was addressing the people of a small Southern township the other night, and happened to remark : ' Take whisky now ' whereupon several red-nosed men present held up their hands and said they didn't mind if they did. — A youth, residing in one of the suburbs \ was bringing about half-a-dozen Maori bugs to j town the other morning. The tram-car was j crowded, and the youth with the bugs (which ! were confined in a card matchbox) had to sit closer and closer. Half way to town a woman 'massive' as Lady Jane > got in, and the youth with the bugs was fairly jammed against the end of the car. He could hardly breathe. Suddenly an overpowering odour arose, and consternation sat on every countenance. Whew ! It was horri- j ble. The passengers wore that agonised ex- j pression on their faces noticeable at sea when a steamer gets into rouah water for the first time after leaving port. For a moment or two there was silence, broken only by gulps and sniff's, and i then half- a- dozen people called frantically to the j conductor to stop the car. They scrambled out, j pell mell, while the youth with the bugs, blushing painfully, straightened himself out and felt ruefully in his pocket for the remains of that paper match-box. — Eoasfc goose and plum pudding, not to speak of mince pies and other delicacies much believed in at the festive season are good things enough in their way, but it is possible to have too much of a good thing. A Newton man of our acquaintance in whose integrity of character we have every confidence — like Washington, he cannot tell a lie— informs ua that he retired on New Year's night feeling rather unwell. He attributed this to ' over feeding ' as he expressed it. Shortly after he had retired he assures us, there came a tapping at his chamber door. He thought it was the wife of his bosom and called out ' come in.' Instantly the dc or opened, and a pair of devils— unmistakably the real thing and not burnt cork demons— waltzed into the

room. They lit a huge fire in the grate (he was too frightened to say a word) and then the y dressed him and deliberately pitched him into the flames. His piteous appeals for mercy might have melted a heart of stone but they had no effect on these devils who rolled him into the fire while the red-hot glare of the flames lit up the room. It was horrible. When he was burned all over and smarting his tormentors rolled him on the hearth-rug so as to make him feel the effects of the treatment as much as possible. He fainted dead away the fiendish laughter of the demons still ringing in his ears, and when he opened his eyes there was his wife trying to get him up ! The cat ia out of tbe bag, of course. Y"es, it was a dream.

— Scene : Up-country hotel. Time; 7.30 p.m. The coach has just arrived, bringing a solitary passenger, who walks into the hotel, and after a wash and a brush descends to the diningroom. Here the trouble commences. Traveller : ' What have you got ?' Waiter : ' Anything you like, sir.' Traveller : ' Very well — bring me a roast chicken, and vegetables.' Waiter ' Very sorry, sir, but we 'aye no poultry.' Traveller : ' Well, a bit of roast mutton or beef — roast or boiled, I am not particular.' Waiter : ' Beef and mutton's hoff, sir ' ' Traveller : ' Then what, in Heaven's name, have you got?' Waiter : 'We 'aye some d'iicious heggs, sir, and some sardines.' Traveller (resignedly) : ' Very well, bring me some sardines.' i

Waiter . ' I can recommend the heggs, sir ' Traveller : ' Bring 1 me the sardines.' Waiter (hesitatingly) : ' Those heggs, sir ' Traveller (angrily) : 'Will you bring' me those sardines or will you not ? Waiter (apologptically) : ' Well, the fact is, sir, I believe the sardines is hoff.' Traveller : ' Then why on earth didn't you say so before ? Why didn't you say you had eggs and nothing else, and have done with it r' Waiter (preparing to go), ' yes sir.' [Eetires,smiiing in n, superior manner to himself j to return five minutes later with : ' Very sorry sir — just found out that the heggs his hoff too— we ? ave some d'licions broad and — ' Traveller : ' Then it is high time I followed the example of the '' heggs ' " and was '" hoff " to, and away he goes to find quarters at some cottage in the township. Is this a fancy sketch r Oh dear no! just a leetlo bit over-coloured, peihaps, but not much.' The name of the. hotel ? Oh that's tellings. but it's in the Waikato.' BEST FOR HEX AND BEST FOR HIM. On the steamer, oh, my darling, I When the foghorns screech and blow, ■ And you hear the gentle steward ; Softly oome and softly go — | When the passengers are groaning I With a great and nameless woe, [ Don't you think 'twere better, darling, [ You and I should go below ? i In the cabin, oh, my darling, Think not bitterly of me, Though I rushed away and left you In the middle of our tea ; I was filled with sudden longing To gaze upon the deep blue sea ; It was best to leavo you then, dear — Best for you and best for me. — It is really most embarrassing for ' eugpged ' young persons and other spoony couples returning home from Kawau, or Waiheke, or soinewhe'e, and who aru sitting in some dark

oomer with their two fond hearts beating as one and their four fond lips meeting 1 as two, to .have Lovo's young drpam rudely interrupted by some steamer man with a rude cry cf ' tickets ' while a gleam from a four horse power bull's eye lantern sheds an unwelcome light on the subject. But this sort of thing goes on every holiday. | He Believed in Temperance. — 'Fact is,' said Mi- Swiller. sitting 1 down at a round table with his friend— ' fact is -two beers, Tony!— there's just as much intemperance in eating as ' there is in drinking, and that's what puts me — by George, that's refreshing, isn't it ! cold as ice ; fill 'em up again, Tony— out of patience with these total abstinence i'anatios. A nun can be temperate in his eating and he can be temperate in his drinking, and I go— light a cigar?— in for temperance in all things. Now, I like to— thank you, yes, I believe I will repeat— sit down with a friend and enjoy a glass of beer in a quiet way, just as we do now. It's cold, refreshing, mildly I stimulant -have another with me— and does me good. Iknow when I have enough,and— once more. Tony— when I have enough I know enough to quit, Now, do I look — hello there's Johnson ; sit down here with us, Johnson — three beers, Tony — I was just asking Blotter here if I looked like a victim of dyspepsia. I don't drink much water this weather; I believe its the worst— this tii^e with me, fellows— thing a man can put into his system such weather as this. I believe beer is the best thing for any man, and I know its the best thing fcr me. But I— don't hurry ; have another before you go : here Tony !— don't gorcre myself with it ; I don't sit around and get full every time I take a drink. I like to— three more, Tony— sit down quietly with a friend and enjoy a glass of beer and a bite of lunch, but I don't like to gorge myself. I dont eat myself into a— fill these up again— dyspepsia either and then claim to be a temperate man. Temperance in all things is my mozzer-mozzo-motto. Thatsh me. Now, I don-donk-donkall, I donkall royshelf a drinking-man— once more wiz me, fellows — I like to sit down quieshly wish few frens, and 'joy glash beer— just becaush does me good. But I don't eat myshelf to death— onesh more all round — like thesh temperals falatics— oncesh in a while I like a gla3h of beer — jush in quiet way oncesh in a while, but you don't see — you don't see me getfcin' full ev'ry time— — — (Talks temperance in all things and undue indulgence in nothing over twelve more glasses, and succumbs.)

— Mary : ' Don't you dislike to have a young man talk shop when he comes to see you ?' Jennie : ' Indeed, Ido ! Who's been talking" shop to you ?' Mary ; ' Oh, my young 1 man. He's a tram-car conductor, you know, and nearly every time he comes to see me he begins his shop talk.' Jennie : ' What does he say ?' Mary : ' Sit closer, please !' — Overheard on the Onehuuga 'bus: — Stout party to slim youth weaving bandage : 1 Got your eye in a sling I ses. What's the trouble ?' Slim youth : ' Took a 'oss into the stable 'other night, an' run agin' a post in the dark. Regular ono-er, I tell yer.' Stout party (sympathising^) : ' Well you just take and smack up a egg— shell and all, mind yer — and clap it on yer eye, and you won't have no more bother with it. Might 'aye been wuss though — might aye lost the use of the eye altogether, and then nothing wouldn't 'aye done yer no good.' Slim youth (reflectively): ' Well, I dunno so much about that. There was a doctoring chap as come along- when I was clown South onee — a furriner he was — as was called in to see a man as I got a splinter in his eye — regulai-ly blinded him j yer know. Well, this here doctor he just looked I afc the eye, then he took and cut the strings of it j and scooped it right out and threw it away.' Stout party (looking aghast) : ' and what did he do then ?' ' Well, I was going to tell yer. He got a live rabbit, and he went and took out one of the rabbit's eyes and fixed it in the man's head, and' (solemnly), ' that man can see just as well with that eye now as ha can with the other.' Just then the 'bus stopped at the Epsom Hotel, and the stout man said ho thought he would get off and pet v glass ot : something to wash that yam down. —He was a widower, lately remarried. It was in fall honeymoon and he made countless tender protestions. ' I will always love you,' he suid to her. ' Always — always?' i "As long as 1 live.' I ' And afterwards jnu will not love me in eter- ; nity !-' 1 ' jini 1 have already promised that to my j first wife. 5 : — When the parson puints the fiery Here- | after awaitirg the people who never contribute more than a threepenny bit (sometimes a bad one at tli at) to the collection plate, young Spooner

I always finds it necessary to put his arm about his I girl's waist while he whispers : 'All that doesn't i apply to angels, darling.' But of conr?e they are not married yet. — She was a pretty woman, and sbe ! bowed bowitchingly as she came in. She held up one finger archly, and said, impetuously : 1 Now, sir, I want you to slop your writing and look at my book.' Then she blushed charmingly at my look of amazement. I said : — i 'My dear madam, lam busy to-day, and 1 beg you will excuse me.' I She sat down beside me and made herself comfortable at once. ' Now, don't let us Hear another word about that. You are going to buy a book, of course.' | ! But, my dear — ' She took my hands gently but firmly in hera. ' I know— you are a busy man — you write all day and you' are too tired to read— you hardly ■ find time 'to look at the paper -you ' ' ' Yes, madam ; that's precisely the case.' She chucked me deliberately under the chin. ' Do you mean to say that you are going to refuse me a miserable little note for this beautiful book ?' I gasped feebly and glared at my office boy. He was evidently interested. I said : ' You must be a successful book agent ; you have the most fetching qualities I have ever seen.' .Rash words ! She rose at once and sitting down upon the arm of my chair, threw one arm around my neck, and bending down, looked into my eyes. ' NTow, you know, darling, you are g-iug to do just as I say ; you are going to buy—' I heard my office boy chuckle to himself. I protested. I said; — ' My dear madam, this is really embarrassing — do you know — I am a married man — that I—' She replied : ' I have nothing to do with that ; I am here for business.' I replied : ' That statement is unnecessary ; the fact is quite apparent. But I am really fond of my wife. You've got hold of the wrong man.' She seemed a trine hurt at this, but she did not take her arm from my neck. She remained in this compromising attitude apparently lost in thought. I broke into a cold sweat. 1 I'll tell yon what I'll do,' she said, suddenly bringing her foce dangerously near my own ; ' if you'll take a copy of that book I'll promise not to kiss you before I leave the office !' I bought the book. — Some observant individual says he can judge a man's character by the way in which he smokes his cigar. He says : A nervous mail, who fumbles his cigar a great deal, is a sort of popinjay among men. The man that smokes a bit, rests a bit, and fumbles the cigar more or less is easily affected by circumstances. The fop stands his cigar on end, and an experienced smoker points it straight ahead, or almost at right angles with his face. Beware of the man who never releases his grip on his cigar, and is indifferent whether it burns or not. He is cool, calculating and exacting. To hold fast half of the cigar in the mouth and smoke indifferent is a lazy man's habit. They are generally of little force and their characters are not of the highest strata. If a man smokes his cigar only enough to keep it lighted and relishes taking it from his mouth to cast a look at the curl of smoke in the air, set him down as an easy going man. If the cigar goes, out frequently the man has a" whole-souled disposition ; is a devil-may-care sort of a fellow, with a glib tongue and generallyla fine fond of anecdotes.