IN THE REPORTERS ROOM

Observer, Volume 9, Issue 523, 29 December 1888, Page 10

IN THE REPORTERS ROOM

Bt M. T. Case.

' Hlffif/ E successful treatment of McDermott's St ft 11 woun( * s * s r ather a feather in the cap J'i'-- of the Hospital surgeon,' said the chief. 'It is indeed,' assented the police-reporter ; ' as a rule fellows who are taken up there leave it with their toes pointing upwards.' 'It is one of those cases where non -success would be excused,' said the religious editor, ' for I presume McDermott will have to stand his trial for wilful murder, and it would have saved both time and money had he left the Hospital direct for Waikomiti. At this gay and festive season I oannot refrain from wishing him a merry Christmas and many happy returns of the day.' I The sentiment does your heart credit,' responded the police- reporter. « At this particular time of the year nothing but kindly and generous impulses should prevail. It was that spirit, no doubt, that prompted young Clune to liberally patronise various clothing shops in the city, and pay for his purchases with cheques bearing the well-known name of A. Buckland and Sons.' ' But the Herald says that the signature was so ridiculously spelt that any fellow with a grain of common sense might know the cheques were spurious. Besides, the word " Alfred " was written with a small "a," and the "c" was omitted.' ' That doesn't matter one iota. A good many men do not know how to spell their own. names. The late curator of intestate estates used to spell his name with a double "f " in it, but he was quite incorrect. And, so far as small initial letters are concerned, Fowlds, one of the clothiers, who was tricked, spells his name with a small "f." ' ' I knew a fellow in Auckland named Brown,' said the chief, who dabs an c in to look nobbish, and why shouldn't Buckland knock an o out, if he so desired ?' j ' I am afraid Clune will have to toe the mark pretty often at the police-court,' said the religious editor. ' I noticed the other day, in one of the papers,' said the police-reporter, ' that when the case against Capt. Ross, S.A. was over, the clerk of the court told him to sit down and not make a martyr of himself. Is it a common thing here for a subordinate official to impertinently address people in this way ?' ' Certainly not ; such conduct would be intolerable. I can only account for it by the fact that three justices were on the bench, who were reckoned nobodies by. the officials. Had such men as the late Capt. Beckham or our worthy friend Baddeley been presiding, the unwarrantable remark would have been severely rebuked.' I I should think so. Justice should jealously maintain the dignity of the bench, and not allow any irregularities to occur that might be prevented.' ' I saw you up at one of the produce marts Iho other day, O'Flanagan.'said the chief. 'Do you buy much in that way ?' * Well, I went up to buy a nice ham for the holidays. I generally select one, and get my landlady to boil it for me.' ' Those you were looking at appeared to be very nice. Did you secure one ?' ' A woman standing next to me drew a hairpin from her greasy looks, straightened it, and harpooned it into the ham ; she withdrew it, fiddled it smartly across my nose, and said, " smells good, doesn't it ?" ' ; * Some women are scrupulously particular, ' are they not ?' ' This one was ridiculously so ; fancy, she actually used a different hairpin to prod the cheese, and still a third one to test the butter.' j ' What a model landlady such a woman would make! I venture to say she would give you clean shirts and pillow-slips three times a week. Did you buy the ham ?' ' Can you doubt it ? I wanted to nail the hairpin, but Bhe declined to part with it, saying she always used the same one.' ' I see your countrymen in South Walts beat our footballers, O'Flanagan,' remarked the chief. ' Did you think for a moment they wouldn't ? The Llanelly team were, no doubt, Welsh miners, and a pretty tough lot they are. Of course, my sympathies are entirely with the Maori team, but if they arc -to be licked at all, I naturally would prefer Welshmen to do the trick.' ' One of the local insurance companies has issued an 1889 almanac with the figure of a Maori on it,' said the religious editor. ' The features remind me strongly of someone I have seen, but I can't recollect who it is.' ' I think that I can explain it to you,' replied the police-reporter. 'The idea is — an excellent one too— that the figure should be the aboriginalised presentment of each local manager. Each district has its own manager on its own issue of almanacs, and, of course, the one you saw the other day puzzled you with its striking resemblance to somebody you knew. The general manager is not a little proud of his quaint conceit.which fully maintains the company's reputation for originality and a large reserve fund.' ' Reserve fund ! I don't quite — ' ' You don't quite understand V ' No, I suppose not ; but, by the time the holidays are over, perhaps it will dawn upon you.' « I wonder the Government do not give local railway managers a little discretionary power,' observed the chief. 'It is not so much discretion that they want, but a little common sense,' rejoined the policereporter. ' I suppose you are now alluding to the Kaipara bungle ?' ' What was that?' asked the religious editor. ' One hundred and fifty men were ooming from the Northern Wairoa district to make holiday time in town. The steamer stuck on a bank awhile, and when she reached Helensville the train had started. Application by telegraph was made to the district manager in Auckland for a special train, but the idea was. too vast for immediate comprehension, and he intimated that he i. would think it^oyer anid-feply later/- While-he was

thinking it over, the looal ' eleotrician-^aripthor '- large-minded red tape man— elosedhte tfflEtoe and no reply of any sort was received. I think that had, the district manager m_.de his' appear^ ' ance at Helensville the next morning he wbpld * have been expeditiously interred in the soft mad of the Kaipara waters, and very justly so too.' ** But I think you are not quite fair to'him, O'Flanagan,' remarked the religious editor. •If he had, on his own responsibility, sent, a special train, he might have been sacked by the Minister for Public Works.' . '-'» 4 1 don't think so. The Minister, for Public Works is anything but a Splohioh, I'll allow, but he would think twice before he acted in so foolish a manner. The people are about full up~of the present infantile and irritating way in which railway matters especially are worked, and the present Ministers mußt be wary, or they will be damned for ever in their political career.' . 'In my opinion,' said the chief, 'the local telegraphists were much to blame. It is quite possible the District Railway Manager decided to put on a special train, but was unable to com- . municate so, owing to the closing of the. Helensville office.' • Perhaps so,' allowed the police-reporter, 'it is an incontrovertible fact that country telegraphists are the puniest-minded fellows I ever encountered. I don't suppose that one of them would keep his office open ten seconds after time though the fate of Europe hung in the balance.' 'We won't be hard upon them at this joyous season of the year,' said the religious editor. * Just remind me when we are having pur tot by-and-bye, and we'll inolude them in our toast " good will to all men." ' • I thought you promised Garlick's crowd that you would give up nipping,' said the chief. ' I did almost promise so the other night down in the Tent, but I've got up to the 31st, you know,' replied the religious editor.' « I've a jolly good mind to have one grand booze before I join the Temperance gang. I haven't had a real big drunk for years, and I almost forget how it feels.' 4 Take my advice, and don't do any suoh thing,' earnestly said the police-reporter. « Well, just go and have a pint of pure beer, or perhaps two as it is Christmas we3k, but we'll draw the line at that. If you ever get drunk again, we'll ostracise you, as sure as my name is O'Flanagan.'