LADIES' STRINGED ORCHESTRA

Observer, Volume 9, Issue 522, 22 December 1888, Page 14

LADIES' STRINGED ORCHES TRA

AN ODE IN PROSE (By Rambleb, Capt. H. M. Masheks) YOUNG ladies' stringed orchestra,' mused the gallant Blowliard, as he darted into ray— aw — sanctum, within whose precincts I was courting a bilious attack; wading through a Laishley effusion, with dictionary attached. The Major held a— aw — newspaper in his hand, which he read upside down, as he— aw— | gracefully swept a priceless Japanese vase from ] the table with his— aw — elbow. The crash drew my attention to his attire, which was a — aw— eyeglass ; tailor-made gown of ' silver-grey cloth, white waiscoat, and moustache, j which article of apparel was soaped to the perfection exhibited by the— aw — waxen mashers, framed in the plate glass of a — aw- hair-cutting emporium. He carried yellow dogskins — gloves ' last longer worn that way. Again he observed with a sigh, ' Ladies stringed orchestra,' absently drinking off the contents of my glass, champagne and claret (procured on the time-payment system) without a murmur ; ' that sounds new, and novel, when backed by a dose of pretty girls ; fits .my principles on, the ' subject of anatomical research. Bear that word in mind, Rambler, dear boy ;it sounds learned. I'll work my report up to it — you'll come, old chappie ?' Yawning poetically, I muttered, ' Give me an 1.0. U. for the good looks of the performers.' The renowned musical critic, contemptuously ignoring my flippancy, carefully cut the end from my sole remaining Havana, and hissing forth the threat, ' 7.30,' vanished, humming jocularly the strains, ' Something or other free from care/ He'd be a deuced good fellow if he was not so — aw — conveniently absent-minded. If he has another faalt it is — aw — punctuality ; no sooner did the enemy of mankind (plagiarism from a aw — recent temperance meeting ; I'm a member of the denomination myself whenever the — aw — evil of the shouting system shows signs of contaminating my pocket) point to the hour fixed, then my military guide appeared, resplendent in war-paint, his hands encased in gloves somewhat inclined to bolt, at the — a. v— tips of the fingers. His", entrance awoke me from a siesta over Nelson on the Sunday Question. Adjusting his eye-glass and submitting my majestic person to a meaning scrutiny, he jauntily grunted, 'Come under the locust persuasion;' with this tender epithet he escorted me to the waiting hansom, and we soon found ourselves within boundary of the Schmitt kingdom, vulgarly called the— aw— Choral Hall. The crowd at the Lord Mayor's Show was nothing to it. We— aw— elbowed our way through myriads of the— aw— fair sex with becoming gallantry, and in this way managed to get two— aw— seats, which politeness forbade our vacating in favour of ladies standing in our— aw— vicinity. The — aw— softer portion ofhumanity reigned supreme in the concert. Only four members of the — aw — bread-providing sex distinguished themselves as performers. When the seventeen girl-instrumen-talists trooped — aw — on to the— aw-r-platform, in white, the Major smiled audibly, and took notes. After the first bars he dozed. Pretty girls murder sleep in my — aw — case. I was just enjoying Goethe's arrangement of ' Esmeralda ' when the redoubtable awoke with a—aw— snort, and ejaculated: • Who's the conductor?' , Referring to my—a w—s cented programme, I

groaned, 'Miss Emily Eeeve.' < Ought to raakeja name for. herself,! sighed myr- aw— tormentor. 1 The lovely— aw-— wee maid is Miss Otic Chew,' I soliloquised, loudly. 'Acts as leader, doesn't she}? 1 whistled Blowhard, ' Urso in — aw—miniature.' Thus warbling, he proceeded to note the names of the performers, muttering in hoarse accents : ' First violins, Misses Otic Chew, Fisher (capital '|F) Harding (with an haiteh), Page, and' Wesfc. phal. Violins secundas, Misses Nellie Chew, Baker, Maud Hogg, and Hayward ; numbpr three instrument likewise designated, Misses Garlick and Goodwin ; viola, Miss Fenton, violincello (he here consulted a pocket dictionary), Miss Essie Chew ; double bass, Miss Buckland ; triangle, Miss B. Harding. Leaving the— aw — intellectual reporter to his studies, I prepared to listen, and was entranced with the -aw— music. At each item the Mayor turned purple with the— aw— exertion of applause. ' Does Professor Schmitt monstrous credit;,' he whispered in sonourous accents ; ' entrance fee ought to be four shillings instead of two ' (deuced iberal, these newspaper fellows). His enthusiasm brought his immaculate kids to grief, when Miss Essie Chew gave her violin cello solo. His passion for the Euterpean music cauEed him to — aw sit on the capacious lap of a decollete dame of capacious proportions, who ungenerously resented the— aw— delicate attention. Both the Chews— Essie, not the person oicmhonpoint attractions, and her sister (Miss Ottie)— were encored. Blowhard's a vocal judge if he's anything, and refrained from the — aw — soupcon of a snore during Miss song, 'At My Window ' (my — aw — sailor's been there before now), and when the last strains died away (Greenaway on the City Market Question), he—aw—emphasised his admiration by furiously stamping on my — aw— favourite bunion, (not the — aw — copyrighted edition). I - aw— preferred Miss Baume, and flung my carnation buiion-hole, purchased from— aw — Steadman's, at her feet. I wept when I saw its beauty hidden under a mountain of boquets. My companion smiled with the serenity of the heathen Chinee, and settliug his chin in his 1 purgatory band,' gave himself up to the delights of Miss Buckland's violin solo, becoming so enraptured that he— aw — cast his crush hat with undue force on the— aw— brainial casket of a gentleman, whose shiny pole suggested a skating rink for flies. Miss Jeannie Da 110,3 also met with notes of approval. Mr Abel didn't — aw — please him. The brave defender of his country rubbed the place where his — aw — silken locks might be expected to appear during the singing of ' The Diver,' a clear symptom of his disapproval. He moaned in my oral member. The quartette (accent on the — aw— last sylable), Rossini's ' Carita, 1 performed by Miss C. Knight, Mrs Lewis, Mrs Burgess and Miss E. Eeeve, called up the wrinkles of thought to the — aw — warrior's brow as he valiantly joined in the applause, sobbing forth the plaint : ' Want of Harmony.' When, however, the — aw — Orpheus Glee Club, 'came on the festive scene, he — aw — smiled sympathetically, disclosing a shining row of Chatfield's ivory, and as a further mark of appreciation gently placed his leg across the knee of the irate dowager, and finding his attentions again unacceptable, sat on her — aw— fan by way of recompense, vowing valiantly as he clapped with a pair of — aw — fragile No. 15 shoes and a silver-headed cane that Herr Schmitt was a genius, and his stringed orchestra a— aw — rosebud garden of talented girls. Having heard the —aw— quotation mentioned by the Poet Laureate in a-^aw— previous chapter, I stammered — aw — assent, and carefully donning my companion's overcoat left him to the tender mercies of the dowager of presence, 1 A — aw — weighty finale,' I heard him murmur, as ' weighty as the— aw - fiction of Sir Julius Vogel,' as ho jovially placed his foot on her cream surah train (I'm open to correction on this term), thereby causing dislocation of the Hullinenal anatomy. We partook of oysters, as— aw — antidote to the— aw— effect of her smiling complacency.