Page 23 Advertisements Column 1

Observer, Volume 7, Issue 379, 6 March 1886, Page 23

CRISPY CLIPPINGS. _ 4 MEDICAL ITEM. - Some men are ever ready to offer a remedy for everything. The other day we remarked to one of these amateur apothecaries: -An idea struck us yesterday;' and before we could finish he advised us : ' Hub the part affected with arnica.' NO HEAVEN "WITHOUT PIE. ' Mamma,' said a little six-year-old girl, ' what is heaven '?' ' Heaven is where the good people go when they die.' ' Will I go there ?' ' I hope so, my dear.' ' Well,' (after a long pause) ' then 1 suppose I shall have two pieces of pie every day for dinner?' ' W hy ?' ' Because I always have two pieces of pie for dinner when I'm good.' • AN ADJUSTABLE SIMILE. Mr Dusenberry : 'You have gone to housekeeping, I hear. Nicely fixed, I suppose T Mr Jinks : c Yes. My wife is perfectly delighted, She reminds me of a teakettle, she sings so pleasantly.' Mr Deusenberry : ' My wife often reminds me of a teakettle, too.' Mr Jenks : 'In what way ?' Mr Dusenberry : ' I never. know when she is going to boil over.' AN IMPROVED PAINTING. Insurance Agent : ' No, Mr Block, we can allow you nothing for the oil painting.' Mr Block : ' But it is ruined.' ' Insurance Agent : ' Oh, no., it is improved. Before it was scorched and smoked and cracked and blistered it was worth only £4, frame and all. Now you can sell the bare canvas for £10,000 as the work of an old master.' THE JUVENILE TORMENTOR. 'Popper, wot do they have the policemen watch the block where they had small-pox for ? ' ' Oh, to keep the disease from spreading.' ' The policenien'll keep them from breaking out, won't they, popper ?.' ' Yes, yes.' ' Is small-pox dangerous, popper? ' ' Yes, quite dangerous.' 'It's catching, ain't it?' • Yes, very.' ' But when you're vaccinated you won't catch auything, will you, popper?' ' No, I s'pose not.' ' You were vaccinated when you went off with Mr Brown yesterday, wasn't yer, popper ? ' ' Why, what makes you ask that question ? ' ' Koz raoramer said she knew you wouldn't catch anything if you stayed fishing for a week.' A NICE NAME. First High School Girl : ' Selina, I just read of a man who would have made a lovely President for our college.' Second High School Girl (listlessly) : 1 Yes.' ' His name alone shows that he is eminently qualified.' ' What is the name?' (Almost asleep.) ' Dr William Hugg.' ' Oh, why didn't the Board get him ?' (With great animation.) HUMOR IN ANIMALS. A work has recently been ptiblished called ' Humor in Animals.' A man usually appreciates humor in animals when a bulldog nas his ivories attached to the basement of his trousers. THE NATIONAL ENSIGN. Father— 'Come right out in t||||back yard, my son. 11l make you see sta|||g|: Son—' Are we going to make an American flag, father-?' Father — ' What do you mean, you young rascal?' Son — 'Why, I'm going to provide the stars while you furnish the stripes.' Father (falling on his neck)—' Where did you inherit this brilliancy ? Off with your coat, son. 1 must save you or perish in the attempt.' WHY THE HASH WAS OUT. ' Here, waiter, bring me a plate of cornedbeef hash.'. . ' No con-beef hash to-night, sah.' ' But it's on the bill of fare.' • 'Yaas, sah, we' nios' allus has con'd-beef hash, but, ye see, sah, all our dinnah custoniahs. was 'specially hongry to-day, sah.' ' What's that to do with-it ?' • - , Waal, ye see, sah, dey done ate up all.de con-beef on der plates.' COULD ACT THE PART ' ; The bloodhounds of an ' Uncle Tom ' company broke loose recently, says a London paper,, and killed the donkey. The manager in dire distress, had the donkey's" skin removed, and sent an actor on with it to personate the part," but the accomplished. artist, for the first time in his life, failed to make an ass of himself. • '•:■'■• Nature is upheld by antagonism. .Passion, resistance, danger, . are educators. We acquire the strength we have overcome.