"WILL YE BAPTEEZE THE ELEPHANT, SIR?"

Observer, Volume 7, Issue 338, 30 May 1885, Page 15

"WILL YE BAPTEEZE THE ELEPHANT, SIR?"

Bab was married to May Crawford, and, contrary to expectation, proved a kind man ; in fact, lie literally worshipped his wife. He thocht there was naebody like her, and whatever she suggested to him, that he did. In process of time a wee Bab cam' into the warld, an 1 the day cam' when the happy faither had to see after the baptism of the bairn. <Noo, Bab,' said May, after she had brushed her gudeman's Sunday claes,Jput on his necktie, and made him what she cad " presentable,' 'noo, Bab, listen ta me. When ye gang in to Saunders he'll ask ye if the mither an' child are keepin' weel, an' yell say as weel's can be expected. Then he'll ask what ye've come for, an' yell reply by respectfully requestin' him to bapteeze the infant. Noo, bee sure ye dinn ca' wee Babert a bairn, nor a laddie, nor callant, i nor a wean, but infant— lNFANT is the j word. 1 'A' richt, ' said Bab, as he set aff for the manse, whistlin,' it maun be confessed, to keep his courage up. Everything did na happen as May . had expected. Mr Saunders didna ask for her or the wean. Instead, he looked mildly at Bab and said : ' Weel, what can I do for you ?' ' Perhaps the change in the programme ! laid down by May con Bounded Bab. He forgot the important word, and brak oot : .' Will ye bapteeze the elephant, sir ?' 'I'm no in the habit o' bapteezing elephants,' said Mr Saunders, smiling ; ' but perhaps ye mean infant.' ' That's the very word, sir.' j ' I'll be glad to baptize the child, but ye roust first reply to a few questions.' May, it may here be observed, had coached tip Bab pretty weel ; she knew that something like this wad be sure to follow, but she didna expect that the minister, i wha kent that Bab had nae education, wid ■ ask questions which ony laddie at the j schule could easily hae answered. ' ' Hoo mony commands are there ?' j • Aiblins twenty,' was Bab's reply in a | dootfu' tone o' voice. ' No.' i | ' Aiblins fifty.' 1 Aiblins a hunner.' ' No : I fear you canna hand up the child.' ' Haud up the wean ! Man, it's no' much mair than two feet long, an' I could throw a bull cauf ower a hoose-' The minister smiled what the Yankees ca' an ' audible smile.' ' D'ye mean ye think I'm no' refined eneuch to tak' the vows?' Bab added. ' Something o' that.' ' Noo, Mr Saunders, that's hardly fair ; ye ken that May is weel qualified to look ef ter the wean. She can bring it up as she likes, I'se no' interfere ; but for you to refuse to bapteeze the wean — I mean the infant — is no richt. Ye married us, and ye might hae kent something of this kind would happen, and sac ony objection ye hae noo should hae been made kent then, and ' Quite true, Robert ; and ye can gang and tell the mistress that on ony nicht she pleases tae tak a stap ower I'll bapteeze the elephant!' ' Thank ye, sir,' said Bab, rising and booing himself oot. He had ablins gane a hunner yards frae the manse whin he met John Tamson makin' straicht for the place he had just left. ' Are for the manse ?' asked Kab. ; 'Yes.' t ' Is't a bapteesm ?' 'Yes.' • Hoo many commands are there ?' ' Ten.' • That'll no dae ; I've been before ye, an' I offered him a hunner. He'll ne'er be content wi' ten.' John made nae reply, but laughingly passed on his way to the manse. What was Bab's reception by May I canna tell, but we think she wadna' be pleased when Bab made cleaa briest o' everything that passed between Mr Saunders an' himseP. The commandments was bad — she could over overlook that, nae doubt ; but I think some weeks wad elapse before she got the better o' Bab's question — ' Will ye bapteeze the elephant, sir ?