ASMODEUS BOBBETH AROUND.

Observer, Volume 7, Issue 337, 23 May 1885, Page 8

ASMODEUS BOBBETH AROUND.

" Oh, 'tis merry in the hall '♦ When the beards wag all."

So sang Asmodeus, while absorbing his prandial meal ; which absorptive process having been completed, he rose from the table with that look of ineffable content which is the outward and visible sign of an inward but unspiritual grace. Having recumbentalised for a due and sufficient season, so as to allow the absorptive process to become one of incorporation, he again sallied forth to see and be seen of men. "Gaily the Troubadour struck his guitar," and with equal gailyness did Asmodeus strike his pocket, in which (unwonted sound) a few spare coins jingled in spirit-raising harmony ; and he felt superior;, to all and sundry accidents by flood and field that might possibly befall him in his perambulations. Whilst passing meditatively .along, his meditations were rudely dispelled by a tag-rag-and-bobtailian procession, headed by a brass band, and a big drum, and by several excited individuals in military uniform, wildly waving their arms, and emulating crabs, which crustacean (according te popular belief) walks backwards. This procession was the Salvation Army ! Said he to hisself, said he, " When will these Salvationists learn wisdom, or, at least, harmony ?" The horrid din they make with their uncultivated and strident voices, combined with the incessant reverberation o£ the big drum, and the blaring of out-of-tunian wind instruments, is enough to make a cat miau-Avow, — and, be it borne in mind that a cat, whene'er it takes its walks abroad, is about the most inharmonious cuss extant. Asmodeus is more open to conviction than they seem to be, and will relate how he was brought to that righteous frame of mind. Not long ago, moved with a sudden inroad of Jingoism, after reading a blood-and-thunderarious article in the Herald, his soul gave vent to its surcharged feelings in rhyme that he intended to be rather - kinder - sorter - sdmethingy. He began : — " Shall an alien band 'JEer land on our strand, Or, c'en for a time, call us slaves ? No, — perish the thought ! Our fathers who fought For bur freedom, would rise in their graves. So we, as of yore, Our hearts' blood will pour A libation on liberty's shrine ; For altar, and hearth, The things that, on earth, Of all things are nearest divine. Shall the treacherous Euss. E'er -"

At that moment Mrs A. looked into the sanctum, and gave utterance to an anxious enquiry as to -whether Asmodeus had a combination hurdy-gurdy and bagpipes in the room. So he subsided, under the natural deduction therefrom that vocal harmony was not exactly in his line ; and so the remainder of that ought-to-be-deathless song was for ever lost to a sorrowing posterity. Such is life ! — and so do the rude hands of unsympathetic commonplacians pluck the flowers of genius ere they fully bloom, and cast them out to be trampled under foot by the swinish multitude. And thus was Asmodeus compelled to take a tell-me-not-in-mournful-numbers farewell to any further vocal efforts. No ! not even in the hearing of a Thomas cat on the warpath. Would that the Harmy could be as easily convinced that discordant yelling and resounding tum-ti-tumming are abominations to the great bulk of their fellowmen ; and that it would confine its devil-frighting harmony to the four walls of its barracks. Passing along to what were once the suburbs of Auckland", but which are now one and indivisible with her, Asmodeus took notice of the habitues of the front bars of the various public-houses. All these bars are without a single convenience for ths comfort of their patrons, except a rude bench or two to sit onj if they wish.^ Feeling curious to ascertain the attraction that brought their frequenters night after night to such comfortless places, he stepped into one of those sanctums called bar-parlours, where you can sit down in comfort, in consideration of the privilege of paying 33^ per cent, more for your beer ; and from that coign of vantage, thi # ough a glass door, he surveyed the motley assemblage of labourers, Paddies, carters, lumpers, et hoc genus omne, who make up the front- barian population of a public-house. For the dear life of him, he could not discover the slightest fun in the whole business, for they talked and argued incessantly, varying the talkee-talkee with occasional squabbles, and with rough horse play. The whole programme is exactly described in the words of Lord Byron, thus : — "They were first talky, then argumentative, then disputatious, then unintelligible, then altogethery, then inarticulate, and then drunk."-* Such be the pleasures of the proletarian beerdrinkers of Auckland, after their day's toil is over. . . Whilst Asmodeus was thus observing their vagaries, the bar-parlour was in-

vaded by a coarse-looking individual, with a pompous swagger, and a protuberant bread-basket. This individual came in ; struck tKe bell with his stick ; ordered some liquor ; stood with his back to the fire, cutting off half the warmth and light from the rest of the room ; tore the day's paper to light his cigar, regardless of how many others might like to read it ; and expectorated on the floor, though the fire-place was at his back, and several cusjndores about the room ; and having drunk part of his liquor, threw the remainder into the fire, almoßt quenching it. This individual was one of those mushroom men, of whom it was once happily said that " their being self-made relieves their Creator from a very grave responsibility." Not liking ye manners and customs of this wretched vulgarian, Asmodeus " folded his tent like the Arabs, and as silently stole away." Any one who has perambulated the streets of Auckland on Sunday afternoons knows the crowds of people who throng the roads. These are mainly the hardworking population, who, confined to desk or bench all the week, take themselves and their families out for a little peregrinative recreation on that day. Asmodeus hath often been moved with righteous Avrath, when he considers all the inconvenience caused to these crowds by the arbitrary closing of all hotels for the entire day, on Sundays. These teetotallers are ever ready to destroy, but ever unready to build up, or to supply a substitute for what they take away. With the closing of the hotels, the crowds are utterly deterred from all the public conveniences. Why do not these fanatics provide, elsewhere, what they have taken away ? Again, after several hours 1 walking under a semi-tropical sun, people naturally become thirsty. Here, again, have the teetotallers destroj-ed without building up. Where are the covered drinking fountains, where people can get a glass of water ? Where are even those uninviting-looking stand-pipes ? Why don't they provide a substitute for that which they have .taken away ? Yet, again, after a walk of several miles, people naturally require a rest. That rest was found in the public-houses, and is now debarred to them. Here also the blues destroy without building up. Why do they not place benches in all the suburban streets, where tired people can rest awhile "before tnrning homewards ? And, lastly, why do not our legislators, before they destroy popular privileges in deference to the clamour of the teetotallers, compel them to provide substitutes for these conveniences that they take away ? All experience shows that that body, whilst ever ready to play at " beggar my neighbour" with the publicans, are ferociously chary of spending a single bawbee of their own money even in their own cause, except in making costly presentations of gate money to teetotal lecturers — money that would be much better spent as above indicated. Thus musing, Asmodeus was conscious that that placid equanimity, which is so necessary for the due observation and enjoyment of a bob-aroundation, had departed from his soul ; and lie turned his steps homeward with a sternly suppressed inclination to use unparliamentary language towards those blue ribbonite iconoclasts. And it was not until he had taken some " wine that maketh glad the heart of man," that he was enabled to re tire to his virtuous couch with that due serenity necessary to the reception of a visit from Morpheus. Asmodeus.