THE CHRONICLES OF "ASMODEUS."

Observer, Volume 7, Issue 337, 23 May 1885, Page 22

THE CHRONICLES OF "ASMODEUS."

Asmodeus heard that there was to _ be another grand parade of our " galliant Wolliunteers," and felt desirous again to see those, sons of Mars blazing away at nothing in particular and everything in general ; and proving to their own_ entire satisfaction, that if the liussians tried on any of: their little games here they would be catawampour-ly chawed up, provided the aforesaid Russians followed out exactly the routes and the tactics laid down for their enlightenment and instruction by our Commander-in-chief. So being assured by the " man on the street ' that the rendezvous was to be on the breezy heights of the Surrey Hills, lie did atram-tram-tram-my-gallant-steedincation and trammed thitherward with his manly buzzom enthused with martial ardour. Ponsonb} 1 ' Eoad was crowded with pedestrians, and the crowds were constantly augmented by further arrival!?, and by continuous disgorgements from the trains. (Pardon that last word, 0 gentle reader ; but if a vehicle is gorged with passengers, the emptying oi : that vehicle must be spoken of as a disgorgement). There was a considerable sprinkling of the masculine clement, mainly of the billycockhatted fraternity ; there were also swarms of children ; and last, but not least, there were armies of houris, with liquid lips and flashing eyes, at whose bright glances the heart of As:uodeus went pit-a-pat, and yearned the yearning yearns of the yearaer. "While waiting- for the advent of the warriors, his martial ardour cooled down a little under the influence of a keen breeze. So not feeling so very I-dote-on-the-military-ish, ho took a turn around and surveyed, that magnificent estate, which a few short years ago was offered to the city at one-third its value, and — rejected. "We see, now, that the ground rents of those portions that are already sold would have inrid the interest on the entire purchase money, albeit only a fourth of the 'property is as yet disposed of. Jerusalem ! "What a magnificent endowment to all time it avoulc! have been to Auckland ; yearly increasingin value, and doubling, and redoublingin rentals as the leases fell in time after time. "Why, if Auckland g-octh on increasing- in the hereafter as she hath done in the heretofore, that estate, in the year A.D. 1950 would have rendered city rates unnecessary. "Won't ye groan, ye future unborn millions of ratepayers ; ground down, as ye will be, with ever recurring rates and taxes, when ye read, in the books of tho chronicles of Auckland, how such a sublime release frcm your ta satire troubles was unaccepted when offered, because it was, at that time, even as a pearl thrown before swine who saw no good in it. Having returned to the still expectant crowd, the Bombastes Furioso feeling once more invaded the Asmodean breast, and he bnrbt forth into coruscations of rylhm, thusly — ■ OUIt OALLIANT WOLLIUXTEERS. Some talk of Garnet Wolseley, and some of Wellington, As how they licked creation — from the nigger to the don ; But though they may be heroes, can either one compeer "With the tow-row-row-row-de-dow of a. gnlliant Wolliuntccr. Sure the Duke did lick the Frenchies, and Wolseley licked the nigs., And would have inside the Eoosbuns disgorge their little prigs ; But whate'er they did or didn't, there is not the slightest fear That they'd beat the tow-row-row-de-dow of a galliant Wolliunteer. "When he had got this far, word came unto the expectant multitude that the galliant-wolliunteer-ification was going on " full-fig," o'er the hills and far away, beyond their utmost purple rim, at the other side of Auckland. Dimmed, then, were the bright eyes of lovely woman, and uncomplimentary were the general remarks that smote the listening ear. The crowd then dispersed — and so did Asmodeus, for tho " subsequent proceedings interested him no more." Turning away, with a soul which was certainly not overflowing with love and charity towards the " some one who blundered/ he was hailed by a passing hansom. " Cab, yer honour," said Cabby. Ungracious was the Asmodean replj^ for it was, '_' Nary a cab. D'ye think anyone would jolt to town for three shillings, when he can glide there in the (ram for threepence ? Doth aught of the emerald radiate from mine eye ?" Thereupon cabby drove off, with a gesture expressive of -his full and unbounded belief that Asmodeus was an excessively one-horse concern, both body and soul. But, like Galileo, A. cared fc'r none of these things, and went on his way with that sublime unconsciousness of the sneers of the vulgar, which is, or ought to be, a peculiarity of all great minds. _ Whilst waiting for the train lie occupied his time in moralising on a clever letter from"P addy Murphy," anent ye works of his " ancisthor Terence." General readers will see only the fun of it, but the comprehensive mind of Asmodeus xeacheth below the surface, and seeth the

wisdom tli n't Paddy seekelh to convoy to those who look for the pearls that glitter amongst the Hibernian mush witli which he cooks them. Me (Paddy) hath named pretty nearly every classical writer, whose name can be Irishised ; with the obvious moral that if the girl graduates are so sublimely inealymouthed in these matters, they had better leave the classics and the University alone, for pretty nearly ail the classical writers arc tarred with the same brush, all simply reflecting the manners and customs of those times. Let them also remember that to the pure all things are pure, and that it augurs considerable nsiukliness oi : mind to limit up wholesale, and probably imaginary indelicacies in works that have, for many many years, received the of potent, grave, and reveivnd bodies of University dons all the world over. It argues that they^ are preternaturally wideawake to such things, for have they not discovered in the year a.l>. LSSS, things that all the classical students, for a couple of hundred years post, have failed to discover before. We shall nexb have lady medical students objecting to the "indecent" publicity given by medical works, to our anatomical construction, and to our diseases ; and consequently requiring that all such things be struck oub of their curriculum, as being calculated to shock their tender sensibilities ; which, while doing, and daring all that man can do, require that man should smooth the way, and scent it with moral rose water for thorn beforehand. The world is too good for these holy and howly dames of the azure hose. Tho suites of glory are open, and St. Peter is singing, " Come, love, come, come along to me '' unto them. And all the little boys' heads, with wings, but no bodies (which painters assure us represent cherubims and seraphims), are flitting about in anxious expectation of seeing wings incontinently sprout from the shoulder.-; of 'these lady saints ; and to receive them as they soar into the regions of the blue empyrean, to that place where wicked University dons cease from troubling, and where weary girl graduates are at rest from the task of hunting- out spicy tit-bits from ye ancient classics ; and exhibiting their moral purity, and their capacity for comprehending vice, at the same tiiix*. *•■ Tramming down Wellesley - street, Asmodeus surveyed tlio Salvation Barracks and the now Shamrock Hotel. One would think that Messieurs of the "Harmy," who profess it is their mission to seek and save the lost, would rejoice afc tho rebuilding of a hotel (which they call the Devil's stronghold), so close to their barracks. "Would it not give them the desired opportunity to save its lost frequenters at their very door ? This would bo tho natural deduction from their own professions. But, in actual practice, wo sec those blatant fanatics, who make themselves a most persistent nuisance to a whole town, by imitating tho manners and customs of Boorisboolagah in tho public streets. "We see them objecting- to a hotel being licensed near them, on the principle of " Stand off from me, for 1 am holier than thou." Cheek can no further go ; for be it borne in mind that that hotel was there many years before the Salvation fad was even dreamt of : and if there is any objection to be made that hotel should be the objector. Fancy a band of howlers and music murderers cavortirg around its precincts daily, and till far into the night ; and disturbing those who go to the hotel for a quiet confabulation together, and a little auld-lang-sync-ification in a snugbar parlour. How would Messieurs the Salvationists have liked it, if that hotel had got up a monster petition to the City Council to prevent them building their unsightly barracks close to it, and disturbing the neighbours with their bcdlam-let-loose exercises miscalled religion ? Having thus moralized, Asmodeus trammed town wards, and went to see and hour the mental and physical circumgyratonics at Sir G. Grey's at home. There is no nexl for him to eater into particulars, for hath not tiie übiquitous newspaper scribe chronicled all the whatabouts, whereabouts, and allabouts of it? Suflice it to say that the grand old man was at in's grand-old-nmn-est ; and as his wont and custom, ho dazzled his listeners by brilliant displays of oratorical fireworks. The original G.0.M., Gladstone, lets off. these sort of fireworks to hide what he isn't doing, while he has the power to do it : but our Austral G-O.M. lets them off. to hide what he didn't do ; now he hasn't the power to do it. "Sic transit gloria wordi." ASMODKUS.

We trust our members will see that legislation on local government, and the disposal of the native lands, is brought to the fore as early as possible, and fully considered. Nothing less will satisfy their constituents. It is rumoured that the Militia will not be required to do much drill this year. The first- class will be called out and enrolled in companies, and these companies will be officered and got into such shape that drill can be proceeded with at any time. The rolls will be -regularly kept up.