HE LADIES

Observer, Volume 7, Issue 333, 25 April 1885, Page 4

HE LADIES

Some men marry for money, and some women for alimony. It is said that disease is communicated by kissing. Yes, heart disease. A girl has been born down South, without a tongue. This is not a humorous item, but au encouraging piece of news. The meanest pavagrapher is employed by the Boston Post. He advises young men to marry the daughters of widowers. More bachelors than married men commit suicide. Family affairs leave the married man too little leisure for public affairs. " When does a woman cease to be young ?" asks an exchange. If she is wise, she begins to cease in time for her golden wedding anniversary. There is a woman up North, who runs a sawmill in the absence of her husband, but she doesn't like.it. She can't make her voice heard above the buzzing of the saw. " I don't object to house cleaning," said a married man, " but I must draw the line at sitting on a washtub in the kitchen and eating my meals from the top of a soap box." " What is truth, my daughter dear?" " Something very strange, I fear ; Really I'm too old to tell. Ask ray baby sister, Bell." Mrs Dadley says she is sorry that when she fired at O'Donovan Rossa she did not aim a little higher, because the bullet would have hit hiir in the corner of the mouth, as he was smiling at the time. Young hopeful (to his sister) — I say, Nell, pass me the butter ! Nell (in a tone of sisterly reproof) — If what, Johnnie ? Johnnie (goaded to desperation by the delay) — If you can reach it ! On a dreary rainy day a man stays at home all day and pulls out his private papers, with a view to straightening things, and, after looking them carefully over, leaves them in a heap on the table for his wife to put away. The " Course of True Love," trace 1 by letters in a breach of promise suit recently read in this manner : " Dear Mr Smith," " My Dear John," " My darling John," " My own darling Jack," "My darling John," " Dear John," Dear Sir," " Sir," and all was over." "I detest that Mr Smith," remarked Mrs Auger to her husband ; "I would do anything to make him miserable." "It's a pity you didn't know him ten years ago, my dear." " Why so?" " You might have married him, my dear." " Your age ?" asked the R.M. of a witness in Waikato. "Thirty-five, your Worship." ' ; But you were thirty- five when you were here five years ago." " And do you think I'm the woman to say one thing one day, and another thing on another day?" The Court Journal says that only baldheaded men are truly virtuous. Thus when Spriggins, of Parndl, proposed to a fair philographist, she said she couldn't think of marrying a man with a head of hair like that. But Spriggins removed his wig, and they got spliced next day. A well-husbanded-lady is now residing.in the State of Arkansas. She is 65 years of age, ' and is living with a courageous man who has j assumed the position of being her fourteenth . husband. It is said that in the hall of her ' house there are thirteen pegs, upon each of which hangs a hat duly labelled as the property of one of the defunct husbands. A man called on a druggist for something to cure headache. The prescription clerk promptly clapped the ammonia bottle to his nose and nearly stifled him. On recovering his forces he made a wicked punch at the clerk's head, 'Hold on.' remarked that individual, ' wasn't I quick about it ; and didn't I cure your headache ?' ' Headache be hanged, ' explaimed the man, ' it's my wife's got the headache.' Don't judge a woman by her bonnet, my boy. It is singular, but it is true, that the smaller, the sweeter, the more modest, and the more unassuming a woman is, the more outrageously wonderful is the headgear she sports. It is the only way in which the dear little creature # can flaunt defiant independence in the public eye, and she improves the opportunity to the utmost uttermost. The janitor of the^^^me Musuem on Market street was dustnf|y off the anacondas ■early this morning when a woman appeared leading a man who had evidently just finished tinting the bailiwick a dark purple. " Come on here a moment dear," said the woman coaxingly . ' ' Am—h ie — got' inie" hiccoughed the|f rightful example. " Got fcer— hie — meet man down town — hie — im-er- important Taiz." " But I want you to look at some bolonga sausage before I buy it," and dextei'ously paying the doorkeeper, she steered her worser half up in front of the boa constrictor case. ' " Those look nice, don't they Greorge ?" The rattled citizen glared at the serpents, clung to his wife's arm, and muttered huskily as he wiped his brow with trembling hands : N ' ' Are — hie — are those sausages — hie — • Maria?" " Why, of course, dear, — how many shall we get ?" With a hollow grown the miserable man started for the door. "•" Take me home, Maria — take me home, and send for the doctor! I'm going to swear off this time for good ! It's time for me to let go 1"

Pete Jackson is a colored man working for Tiff Johnson, on Onion creek. Swayback Lucy is also employed by Tiff as a house servant. They are very confidential with Tiff and tell him all about their private affairs. A few days ago Pete winked mysteriously at Tiff, and, taking him off to one side, said to him : 'Mr Johnsing, I wants ter confine a great secret ter yer. ' ' What is it, Pete ? ' ' Fse got a notion ter ask Swayback Lucy ter marry me. ' 'Do you think she reciprocates your affection ? ' What did yer say she did ? ' Do you think she loves you as much as you do her ? ' ' Dats what T's-picions. ' ' Did she tell you so ?' 'No ; but she mout jess as well hab tole me so. When she was goin' fru de yard I punched her wid a pitchfork, and she said, 'G'way, yer black nigger. I doan want ter hab yer about me.' I tells yer, Mr. Johnsing, dat when a woman tells yer to go 'way she wants yer, ter stay right dar. Dey am de contrariest critters in de world. ' 'So you think that is a symptom of love, do you ? ' 1 I does, sah, for a fac. ' Shortly afterwards another negro woman heard Swayback Lucy singing away for dear life in the yard, as happy as a bird. ' What's de matter wid you ? ' 'I tells yer, Aunt Sukey, I believes Pete Jackson wants ter marry me. ' ' Has he done tole you so ? ' 'No; but he mout jess well hab tole me. He punched me wid de pitchfork. I tells yer dat means sumfin. ' Better, perhaps, we did not meet, So soon in grief to part, For love that is but half complete Plays ha\oc with the heart. I had not then, in princely pride, Assumed a buggy bill, Or run in debt for bangles " snide," Or monkied with the till. Her father's boot got in its act Ere yet my love I spoke, I hope I left her heart intact, I know I left her, broke. : A novel method of punishing brutal wifebeaters is proposed in the State of Delaware. It is proposed to revive the whipping-post, which proved so efficacious in England in suppressing the garrotting outrages. The crime of wife-beating has become so common in that State that public opinion is in favour of the use of drastic remedies. It is argued that fining is ineffectual and clumsy, because the women and children suffer by the diminution of their means, while a term of imprisonment often involves starvation for the family. A Delaware j ournal, commenting on the proposed new remedy, says : " For this reason it is extremely difficult to get the ill-used women to complain of their husbands. They will make any excuses, or even perjure themselves, to secure an acquittal. In some cases, perhaps, the unwillingness of the ill-used wife to testify may be attributed to fear, or perhaps — for who knows how much woman's heart will endure — she actually still loves the brute who misuses her. But if the magistrate were empowered to order a big number of lashes, well laid on, and then send the brute about his business, all thi<a _ L would be different. To such cowards physical pain is the only true punishment, and the man who had once tasted the discipline, would bo careful not to offend again. Fear, as an element in suppressing testimony, would be eliminated, and so would dread of want, for the man could go to his work without the loss of a day. It is argued that the punishment is brutal and degrading. True ; but a man who beats a woman is a being whom no punishment could further brutalise or degrade. The experiment is, at least, well worth a trial, for, so far, our laws have proved insufficient to cope with and control the savagery of wife-beaters. Ah ! little did the maiden think His love would soon grow cold, As hand in hand around the rink She with her lover rolled. But love may live for a year and a day And like the roses fade away. The band struck up a merry air, An air the skaters knew, A.nd faster youth and maiden fair Around the surface flew — Then the maiden raised her hand to her head " I'm awful giddy, I am," she said. A look of grief o'erspread his face, A look most woe-begone, He dropped her hand, checked his pace, And left her there alone, Left her alone in the rink to whirl, For he never could marry, a giddy girl. A fair correspondent in Symonds-street strongly condemns what she terms the silly affect&tidh of Miss de Grey's Company, in " The School for Scandal," in wearing black patches on their faces. Perhaps our correspondent is not aware of the origin of the custom, which is quite in keeping with the period and requirements of the play. Patches on the face were not unknown in the time of Shakspeare, for gentlemen, at least; for in ■ " All's Well that Ends Well," the clown says : "O, madame, yonder's my lord, your son, i with a patch of velvet on's face ; whether there be a scar under it or no the velvet knows; but 'tis a goodly patch of velvet." | In the beginning of the 17th century fops I and dandies patched their faces with black plaster, because the officers who had served in the German wars wore such patches to cover their scars. Disraeli, in his " Curiosities of Literature," says: " Patches were invented in England in the reign of Edward VI. oy a foreign lady, who in this manner ingeniously covered a wen on her neck." This is not quite satisfactory, and probably

Mr Thomas Wright is more to be relied on when he intimates that the custom of patching was derived from France. That patches were worn in France and Italy, and perhaps other countries, may be taken for granted ; but the obscvirity which hangs over the place and date of their introduction is shown by the following from Bercherelle's Dictionary. Under the word mouche, which is the French name of the patch, this author says : " Some believe that we borrowed this fashion from the Persians and Arabs, who regard black spots on the face as a beauty, and that it passed into Europe in the times of the Crusades. Others assign the beginning of the seventeenth century as the epoch when the fashion of patches was introduced. What is certain is that this practice was not altogether discontinued at the commencement of the present century. Perhaps your affections are still disengaged, but you wish to bestowed them on one who will return like for like. In this case there are plenty of wishing gates, etc. , scattered through the country. A wisjli brcull.cl near them, and kept secret, will sooner or later have its fulfilment. But there is no need to travel to the Lake country or to Finchale Priory, near Durham (where is a wishing chair); if you see a piece of old iron or a horseshoe on your path take it up, spit on it, and throw it over your left shoulder, framing a wish at the' same time. Keep this wish a secret, and it will come to pass in due time. If you meet a piebald horse, nothing can be more lucky; utter your wish, and, whatever it may be, you will have it before the week be out. In Cleveland the following method of divining whether a girl will be married or not is resorted to. r Take a tumbler o£ water from a stream which' 1 runs southwards ; borrow the wedding ring of some gudewife and suspend it by a hair of your head over the glass of water, holding the hair between the finger and thumb. If the ring hit against the side of the glass, the holder will die an old maid ; if it turn quickly around, she will be married once ; if slowly, twice. Should the ring strike the side of the glass more than three times after the holder has pronounced the name of her lover, there will be a lengthy courtship and nothing more ; ' she will be courted to death, ' as they say in Lincolnshire ; if less frequently, the affair will be broken oft', and if there is no striking at all it will never come on. Or if you look at the first new moon of the year through a silk handkerchief which has never been washed, as many moons as you see through it (the threads multiplyi'lg the vision) so many years must pass before your marriage. Would you ascertain the color of 3'our future husband's hair ? Follow the practice of the German girls. Between the hours of 11 and 12 at night on St. Andrew's Eve a maiden I must stand at the house door, take hold of the latch and say three times, ' Gentle love, if thou lovest me, show thyself.' She must then open the door quickly and make a rapid grasp through it into the darkness, when she will find in her hand a lock of her future husband's hair.