ADVICE OF A VETERAN CHURCHUSHER.

Observer, Volume 7, Issue 234, 7 March 1885, Page 11

ADVICE OF A VETERAN CHURCHUSHER.

Ist. — Let it be borne in mind that the ushei's function is to stimulate and develop *he Christian virtues. These are notably patience, forbearance, humility, and longsuffering. He should also take care of JSfumber One. 2nd. — Discourage the practice of hanging .'hats on the floor of the aisle by either kicking them as you go up and down, or by stepping on them. 3rd. — Engaged or young married couples ■should be separated. If, despite your action, they get together, scowl at them through the entire service, and whenever he tries to squeeze lier hand, cough loudly and glare. 4th. — In your treatment of boys, be sure .and know whose children they are before you act. When the millionaire deacon's son in the gallery drops a spit-ball on the cranium <of a bald-headed man below, tell the old man. But if .a strange child, lead him. out firmly by 4he ear, and cuff him in the lobby. sth. — Iv singing, take one or two keys Mgher than the choir. In this manner six ushers can combine on elevenths, and so produce a Wagnerian harmony which will be remembered for a fortnight. 6th. — In showing bashful people to seats, walk rapidly ahead, stop, wheel, and point <out the pew with extended arm. This causes the congregation to stare at the new-comers, and pleases them greatly. 7th. — Put wealthy and distinguished people -well in front ; poorly-dressed people in the 3ast four rows, and Irish and negroes in the last two. Social distinctions must be observed in every well-regulated church. ■Bth.— Never bow to the soprano or contralto ; wink at them. If pretty, wink often. 9th. — At a christening, stand five feet from the father, who carries the baby. Curve your fbody sideways from him, and look expectantly nervous during the ceremony. jSTow and then scowl at the baby, as you may thus awe it, and so prevent crying. 10th. — In passing the plate, drop a bill in -afc the head of the aisle, which you quietly remove at the end. When you see a member with a small coin in his haud, hold the plate •as low as you can, so that the coin will ring loudly. The next Sunday he'll put in a bill. 11th. — If sleepy from a late Saturday night, bury your eyes in your handkerchief. This •conceals your yawns and brings tears, as if from intense devotion. With large handkerchiefs you can safely take a nap. 12th. — At weddings, be as solemn and seri■ous as possible. Tell the bridegroom he made #, slight mistake in the arrangements, and •crowd the lobby with servant-girls. It may tear the bride's dress, but it looks like an -ovation.

13th. — In passing in and otit the church, let the door bang. Also always wear creaky boots, lest the evil-minded think you are hard-up and on your uppers.

14th — When the sermon is good, say nothing ; when bad, praise it in high, terras; "when very bad, eulogise it to the skies. In the two ■latter cases, speak in the presence of the pastor's best friends. 15th. — When you are compelled to take a matutinal cocktail before service, use snakexoot, and never cloves, to flavour the breath .thereafter.