BRIEF MENTION

Observer, Volume 4, Issue 99, 5 August 1882, Page 332

BRIEF MENTION

5 * " Out of the Eing " in our next. - The Archill larrikins— The arch-fiend larrikins. Auckland is going to be diddled again over the loan. „ " Gin and perfect love." Just so. Rum and genuine headache. Brandy and perfect D.T.'s. An eminent barrister fell over a dog m bhort-land-street the other day and split his unmentionables, j Louis 0. Groffe writes to the Star that he does i not expect to go(o)ff(e) for the present. , Lewis, iii for forgery, who "worked oft j Hiroki, was selected to perform the same kind offices for Winiata. That steward on board a vessel trading to Cbromandel had better cease blackguarding the Observer. " It is very seldom that a Cowan and a "Mason" figure together, but these gentlemen are the W.M. and Sec. of the Northern Star L.O.L. at Aratapu. The prospectus of the St. Helier's and Northcote Land Company, Limited, which will be noticed in our next, appears in another column. The Auckland Police Force, it is rumoured, is likely to lose its ( w) Hist, by transfer to a country station. Some day it will " lose its head." Who was the auctioneer who made that lamentable faux pas at the poultry sale in disposing of a batch of brahmas ? It is very re-assxiring to read in the Waifcato Times that England and France " do not intend to be taken by surprise" by Arabi Bey. There is a "man in Tauranga who suffers from cancer in the lip. This is what that kissing business results in. Major Atkinson: "Come on,, Tin bluemouldy for a batin!" Montgomery: "Hould me back, or begorra I'll mash him." How many of the members were found m "Maggie's" when that midnight muster of forces took place ? What does a woman want with a garter that costs £250 ? This is the figure they are paying in England. Victorian excise officers assert that Melbourne publicans adulterate spirits with tobacco juice and vitriol! James has resigned the secretarysmp or the No. 3 Company. He says that after this he would not go hon. secretary to the Kingdom of — . It was really too bad of the ladies to lock poor E. and S. in the dressing-room on Friday night, and imprison them till it was too late for the dance. There may not be much difference 'twixt " tweedledum and tweedledee," but a Ponsonby matron says there's all the difference in life between twiddle' em and twaddle' em. It is said that His Worship the Mayor is afraid of his Don Juan sending him star gazing again, and will not in future take him to the hunt, preferring a quieter animal out of his stable. Harjes writes to say that he will give Auckland another turn when he gets properly into debt in Adelaide, and reverse the process by paying his Auckland creditors with Adelaide money. Tyler pleaded that "his boy," who stole the pencils from thp Parnell School was "of a literary turn of mind." This is a good idea. The man who robs a till must be of an agricultural turn of mind, because he is fond, of " tillage " ; and sp forth. After the report which appears in one of our contemporaries respecting Winiata and the Rev. Mr Hamer, it would not be surprising if Captain Hulme, the Inspector of Prisons, does not call on the parson for an explanation. The following is a sample selected haphazard from our waste-paper basket :— " The young laddy with the wite dorg ses she hats the site of enny man with a wisker." The man who sends this adds a note, " Plese torect all misstaks." We haven't time. The provisional directors of the new Fire and Marine Insurance Company are a modest lot. Only one of them, in the prospectus recently issued, has the courage to describe himself as " a gentleman," and lie is only " a shaver." John Pepper, an incorrigible vag., received a " sneezing " sentence of six months, with hard labour, last week, for larceny of two blankets. He died three days after sentence, and returned to his native dust. It's Cayenne now. Grarrard intends to have the letter he received this week from " the great Proconsul " framed and glazed. There was j ust one tinge of alloy in his pleasure in receiving it. It was not superscribed "W. G. Garrard, ijsq.," but the simple prefix of " Mr " used. " DONE BROWN." Yes, Brown ; I should like to be civil, But yon quite try my temper, I own, When you start now to cast out a devil Just after the devil has gone ! Oh, why don't you go to Australia, Where the Dentonite demon has flown a As the steamer left her anchorage the gallant tars must have cast longing eyes on the fairest city in the North, at the same time murmuring, "Tears, idle tears I know not what they mean," or "Oh for the touch of the vanished hand and the sound of the voice that's still." Ar-abi Bey is de&cribed as "a tall, athletic, soldierlike man. His countenance is peculiarly grave, and even stern, with much power in it. He appears somewhat heavy until he is aroused, when his eyes light up He speaks with much energy, and, as those who understand Arabic say, with an eloquence that is remarkable." ■ i .-, Old Mr Sims, of Newton, was married the other day, making his third matrimonial venture. The weddin" cake was made at Cunning's establishment. Mr Canning also manufactured the cakes incidental to Mr Sims' previous connubiations. Miss Mary Croke was decidedly the belie ot the ball given at Henderson's last Friday, and was charmingly dressed in black aud scarlet. Mr O'Neill was the lady-killer of the evening, and danced divinely. Our Waikato correspondent having neglected us in the most cavalier manner for the past three weeks, •without any satisfactory explanation, we shall be glad to receive applications frpm gentlemen in the Waikato for the post of correspondent. Apply by letter to the Editor, Observer. The Observer Art Uniox. — Persons who <lesire to have a chance in the Observer Art Union for a number of beautiful oil paintings, water colours, and parian statuary, are informed that only five more coupons will be issued up to the date 'fixed for the Drawing. Thirteen coupons must be sent in to entitle the holder to one ticket. A French girl, with charming face and figure, and attired in crimson satin, is the latest "lion" amongst the beer-jerking sisterhood. A few evenings a<*o a well-dressed snob insulted her, but she completely turned the tables on him by shrugging her shoulders in a pretty foreign manner and remarking in broken English " Monsieur is inferior." Loud guilaw from the company and exit snob. , , An Auckland poet has sent us a specimen of his genius which he dedicated some time ago to the Auckland public. The last verse runs thus :— " At singing hymns I do excel, And of the odour of sanctity smell, I read my Bible, I say my prayers, And 1 am an Elijah who never swears, In fact, there's but one man like me, And he was the foreman, of the Qvtosu's smithy." ■ Ifc is rather rough on the presentees of the long array of gifts, at a recent fashionable marriage — advertised by-the-way, in the daily papers like a Ust of Dampier's Wonderful Bargains —to append to the marriage announcement, "No cards, no cake." This is '• Irish reciprocity " with a vengeance. The donors must just console themselves with the philosophical reflection, as they gaze upon the empty spaces where their nicknacks stood, " Here to-day, ana away toMorrbwl"

Constable Lamb lias returned •%> Auckland again from the Bay of. -Islands/ having finished the " whaling" seasoa at the latterplace, } During his. stay he "plugged" a quantity of tobacco,';, which had not paid tribute to the Customs, as well 'askits importer. It is not yet known whether LambJias " struck lie over the affair. • The most excellent Theophilus, it is said, has ceased to be the legal champion of Garrard. Rumour Seththat the* "dark horse" to whom the latter has entrusted his action against Mr Cotter, is no other than the learned lecturer on " The Origin of the Alphabet." The reason he was selected was that it was thought he would have the ABC of the affair at his fingers' ends. It is stated that ex - Detective Jeffrey has entered the police force again at Wellington as a thirdclass constable. Tkere is a tradition in the force that every constable, like Napoleon's conscript, carries a superintendent's baton in his knapsack. Still you can't satisfy everybody. It was computed the other day, at the rate promotion went on in Auckland, that a recruit would obtain the grade of first-class' sergeant in thirty years. is^&tti i&-%£Z^ZZZZW

BALD— BALDER— BALDERDASH ! "Balder the Beautiful is dead." — Longfellow. " Get up, thou baldhead ! cAnim tlie prize I" The mighty Zulu chieftain cries 3 At once three married wretches rise, And each displays a bald-head ! Lieutenant Hermann, with a frowuj Exclaims to No. 1—" Go down ! There's 'air apparent on your crown! Your'e not a genuine bald-head." Then No. 2, quite bold, declares He never gave himself no 'airs ; Then shows he, while the audience stares, A scrubby sort of bald-head ; A married life's peculiar shocks Had sadly thinned his hoary locks ; But Hermann said — " You two old blokes Are not the proper bald-heads !" Then up starts Mac, and mates a leg ; A pate as hare's a moa's egg He proudly shows, and says — "I beg, Look here and see a bald-head !" " 'Tis naked truth!" groat Thompson cries ; "No balderdash ! give him the prize !" And Mac, amid triumphant cries, Is crowned the Champion Bald-head ! The Sydney Bulletin (or " Bully-tin") gratuitously volunteers an opinion that there is not much in our staff. We think there is a good deal in his — of shallow blasphemy and threepenny rum. Friend " Bouille-tin," a word in your ear. Try to be humorous and original, instead of flippant and nasty, and the public may come in time to believe that there is something in your staff besides Darlinghurst " skilly." Mr Sheehan lias been endeavouring to get tlie prayer abolished with which the Speaker opens the sittings of the Assembly. He says it is simply " a lie," and like the prayer for rain has no effect. The Speaker severely deprecated such sentiments, but Mr'Sheehan, while admitting thn.t Sir G. M. O'Rorke read it "impressively," stuck to his point. "Wait," said the hon. gentleman, "till the Loan Bill conies down and you'll soon see where your prayer is." At an inquest the other day, after tlie verdict had been agreed to, the Coroner read it over when done up in official phraseology, to intimate that in. the Colony aforesaid, in the province aforesaid, on the blank day of blank, deceased had been drowned, suffocated in deep waters known as the Auckland harbour aforesaid. One of the jury, an old soldier, timidly enquired of the coroner whether that meant that the man had been found drowned. That official said it did, and the juryman collapsed. A " BOW " DRAWN AT A VENTURE. Good Mr Rainbow made his bow Before tlie Court the other day, And for his flood's incessant flow, " Five bob and costs " he had to pay. 'Twas differeut in the days gone by, When Noah dwelt near Eden's Shore, For then the Rainbow spanned the sky In token that the flood was o'er. 1 But now when Rainbow shows his face, ] The raging floods descend amain ; A beau like this is out of place, And must be made to draw the rein. And when these floods scr shocking bad The Liverpudlians invade, They have no boat, as Noah had — The ark, I take, is just to Wade! The " Rainbow round about the Throne " Was green (not Greensmith) in its hue ; But when this Rainbow's doom was known, The colour which he looked was blue! An ignorant couutry girl in the Waikato was induced to attend a class meeting where the leader expatiated on the blessings the new convert would receive as her reward in Heaven. Among other, things " a harp of gold would be given her on which she could play day and night." " Hairps ("'exclaimed the indignant damsel, starting to her feet. " What — them — screeching things? (Bagpipes!) I wodent do it for onybody I" " Wod they daur put a hairps in my bonds, and mak me play it night and day? It's downright slavery .' I'd sooner go as asairvant — but I wodna scrub the room where the rest on am wur making they're din wi them things !" " CHATEAUX EN ESPAGNE." The Auckland folks inaij have their " toffee " At morn, noon, and night, if they care ; But it seems that they shan't have their coffee, For their Palace is one •' in the air." Oh ! who the fine project did slaughter ? 'Twas not vot'ries of Bacchus, I ween ; But the Templars threw on it " cold water," Whose " spirit " and " vim" should have been I How this grand Coffee.Palace enchanted Fades away like a castle in Spain ; And a voice eries — " More sugar is wanted Before you need try it again !" It is high time some notice was taken by the authorities of the I'idiculous inefficiency of the " pvoliibition clauses" of the Licensing Act us at present worked. We have positive proof in at least one case — and that, too, of a'man well known personally to nearly every publican in Auckland — that the prohibition placed upon any publican to serve this man with intoxicating liquors is simply ignored. The man, a respectable (when not on the burst) mechanic, gets most gloriously drunk whenevor the fit takes him, smashes up his furniture, wallops his missis, and plays the devil generally, with quite his old frisky abandon, and no one says "boo" to him. And we don't suppose that the

law iiroiiiisr carried into effect in any other case thaait as in this one which, happens to' come under our notice. "T2his individual actually makes a public boast that he- • !cau get as much grog as he " darn pleases," and whenever he wants it. Any " trap " wishing to get his name up could not set about it in a surer way than by keeping an eye on the man to whom the publicans are forbidden to sell, and seemg 1 where he gets his tipple. The case could be easily proved, and a double end served by a conviction. ' As several ferocious ruffians, armed with, eighteen-ton guns, gatlings, and bowie knives, and attended by bulldogs, have been seen in the vicinity of our Thames correspondent, we may say that he is not the author of a paragraph in our Brief Mention column anent the marriage of Sir William Martin's j> otege with a gentle savage at the Thames. Our correspondent might have spared us this painful duty if he had taken the precaution to ensure his life (say) with the Australian Plate Glass Insurance Company, which, with all men in his perilous position, ought to be regarded as a sacred duty. A GRAFTON ROAD " SOLO." "Mr Soall was the sole dissentient."— (See report of meeting of Graf ton Road Trustees). Yes, Soall ; it is really consoling To find you stand up like a man To expose all this corner-and-holing, Which the Graftonitcs have in the plan ! You tell them, in joining the city, They soon will find out they are sold (And not healed), while they, more's the pity ! Say flat that they will not be Soalled ! Your protest you entered quite So(al)lemn ; And now they may stick in the hole. And if in the woes you consoall-em, Then you are a flat-fish, on my Sola !