A SPICE OF HUMOUR.

Thames Star, Volume LIX, Issue 16627, 24 October 1925, Page 2

A SPICE OF HUMOUR.

JOKES FROM ALL QUARTERS. LIKE “CHARLEY’S AUNT.” “Yes, sir.” said the guard of the train to the talkative passenger, during a, halt, “our company is a most up-to-date and progressive one. It is over twenty years since it started its first non-stop train!” “Indeed!” exclaimed his listener. “Then it would he interesting to know where it has got to by now.” * * * * GETTING OUT OF IT. "While the club soiree was in progress, two of the male members sat discussing the charms or otherwise of some of the ladies within their view. “Who is that ugly old dame over there?” asked one. “Oh,” returned the other, bristling up, “that’s my wife.” “Well,” remarked the former, “you ought to see mine!’ * *• * # PERPETUAL PENSION. First applicant (at an Employment Exchange) : “I say, guv’nor, what have I ter do to get this maturity benefit?” Clerk (not quite comprehending the question): “To get what?” Second applicant: “Garn wiv -yer! Yer don’t knaow what yer a-talking abaat! ( To clerk). He means the eternity benefit, boss.” * * # * PROFITABLE DISCOUNT. Young Isaac (looking out of the window at a man leaving the house with rather a puzzled expression upon his face) : “Father, vat did you say to dat. man to puzzle ’im so?” Old Ikey: '‘Veil, my son, lie does not understand business. He came in to repay me der £2 he owed me, but as I vould ’ad to puta tuppeny stamp on der receipt I gave ’im a farthing discount.” * * * * TACT! The concert seemed to be boring the young man in the second row. The first two items had started him gaping. Now a young lady singer was positively getting on his nerves. “Did you ever hear such an unearthly row in all your life?” he said to the middle-aged gentleman who sat next to him. “Excuse me, sir, that is my daugher who ” “As these people are making at the back,” went on the diplomat. “I can scarcely hear a word of that beautiful song.” * * * THE WORST. “Oh, it’s a rotten life!” sighed the independent, free-thinking, free-speak-ing son of the soil. “One jolly old thing after another! And trouble all the time!” “What’s the matter now?” asked the lady of his house. “More labour troubles! It’s absolutely sickening!” “Not another strike ,surely, Cecil?”

“No. Much worse than that!” replied Cecil, drawing at his cigar. “The firm’s given way, and we’ve got to start again on Monday.”

SURE!! At the close of a lecture by an instructive officer on the care of firearms, the usual questions were asked, and the first questioin was put to an Irishman. “Now, Private Mulligan, what would be the first thing you’d do in cleaning your rifle?” “Sure, sorr, I’d look at the -number.” “Look at the number of your rifle. What has its number to do with cleaning it?” asked the officer. “I’m afraid you’ve not been listening to me, Mulligan.” “Well, sorr, I’d look at the number to make sure ’twas me own rifle T was elanin.’ ” * * * * HIS ONLY DREAD. He crossed the ocean many times Without a thought of fear; He crossed the rugged Alpine range, He crossed the desert dread ; He crossed the crowded, busy Strand Nor trembled for his life; And yet he does not dare to cross His little brown-eyed wife. * * * * A GOOD YARD. Rastus had on a new suit. It was rather large for him, but it was the envy of the neighbourhood. One of his friends said to him:— “Say, Rastus, how many yards does it take for a shirt like that?” “I got three like that out of one yard last night,” said Rastus. * • * * THEIR JUSTIFICATION. A young cavalry subaltern was dining with a literary friend. The man of letters, after lx long discourse on the coming military manoeuvres, said to the subaltern, “And, anyway, what is the function of cavalry in war today?” “My dear fellow,’.’ replied the military man, “they give tone to what v’ould otherwise be a vulgar brawl.” * * * * TWOPENCE. Tramp (to kind-looking gentleman): “Can you spare me a copper, guv’nor?” The gentleman gave him twopence, and asked what he would do with it. “Well,” said the tramp, “I shall have a bath first, then get a good suit of clothes, then a good breakfast, and I shall put the rest in the bank.” * * * * CHEERFUL CHAUFFEUR. Nervous Passenger (to chauffeur)„: “Supposing you were going at fifty miles an hour down hill, with-a stone wall at the bottom of it, and vour brakes failed, what would you do?”. Chauffeur; “Nothing, ma’am. It’s done.”

ON THE -ELEPHANT. Teacher: “Have any of you ever seen an elephants skin?” Small boy: “Please sir, I have!” Teacher: “And where did you see it?” Small hoy: “On the elephant!” CONCEIT. Howard: “Every man likes to hear ai clever woman talk.” Winnie: “Yes, the conceited brute! It’s because she always talks to him about himself.” * * * * A LUCKY DAY. Jones: “Hallo, Simpson! This is the third time we have met to-day.” Simpson: “Aw, yaas, old fellow. This, aw, seems to be one of your lucky days.” * * * * Family Friend: “I congratulate you, Johnson, on the marriage of your daughter. I see you are gradually getting all the girls off your hands.” Johnson: “Off my hands: Yes, but the worst of it is I have to keep all their husbands on their feet.”