IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Thames Star, Volume LVII, Issue 15115, 28 December 1921, Page 6

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

At a funeral in Glasgow a-stranger had taken his seat in one of the mourning carriages, clad in decent black. His presence excited the curiosity of the other three occupants, one of whom presently could stand it no longer, and thus a'ddessed him: “Ye’ll be a brither o’ the eorp?” “No!” replied the gloomy stranger; “I’m no a brither o’ the eorp!” “Well, then, ye’ll be his cousin 1 ?” “No, I’m no that,” was the still tantalising reply. “No 1 ? Then ye’ll be a freend o’ the corp?” “No' that, either!” admitted the stranger. “To tell the truth, I’ve been no’ weel mysel’, and as my doctor has ordered me some carriage exercise, I thocht this wad be the cheapest way to tak’ it!” I I had an old coloured maid who came up to me one day and handed me a little roll of bills. “What’s this?” I asked. “Dass mah money, Miss Murray. Ah Wants you to keep dat money fo’ me.” “Why do you want me to keep it?” “Well, ha done gone an’ accepts a man’s hand in marriage, Miss Murray. Ah’s gwine to be married Sunday mawnin’.” “Well, if you’re going to be married, why do you want me to keep this money?” “Land sakes! Look heah, Miss Murray. Doan you think fo’ a minute dat Ah’m gwine to trust mahself wif any strange niggah wif all dis money on me!” ‘

An economical housewife told her husband the .other morning that she’d have to ask him for 10/- more a week on account of the high cost of living. “I’ll try and give you five,” he grumbled. “That’s the best I can do. You’re pretty extravagant, Amelia!” “Me extravagant?” And Amelia laughed bitterly. “Well, James, I don’t see how you can call a woman extravagant who has saved her wedding dress for over 30 years, on the chance that she may yet make a second marriage!” Wife: “Henry, dear, to-morrow is mother’s birthday, and I’m thinking of sending her a nice travelling bag.” ■Husband: “Don’t, for heaven’s sake; she might take it for an invitation !” Mrs Frailty: “Before we were married you often wished there was some brave_deed you could do to show your love.” Mr Frailty: “Yes, dear, and I would do it now.” Mrs Frailty: “Then, love, go down into the kitchen and give Bridget notice.” ; iSon: “Father, why do they whitewash the inside of a fowlhouse?” Father: “Well, I suppose so that the hens won’t pick the grain out of the wood!” Entering the botanic gardens, and observing the marble lions, a Jack tar, wishing to take a rise out of a country boy, called out: “I say, boy, when do they feed these lions?” Country boy: “When they begin to roar!” 1 Donald McLanny, as behoved his reputation as the strong man. and athlete of the district, entered his name for all the events in the village sports; and, as a matter of fact, was a hot favourite for most of them. In short, great things were expected of him, /hut expectations were hardly realised. The first event on the programme was the quarter-mile, and of eight runners, Donald finished eighth. “Donald, Donald,” said a fellowScot, “why did ye no run faster?” The strong man sneered. “Bun faster?” he said, contemptuously. “An’ me reservin’ meself for the bagpipe competition!” “Ah, my little man,” said the ben-evolent-looking old gentleman, “I saw you giving a great, big, rosycheeked apple to that little boy just now, and I see by your happy, laughing face that the good deed has given you pleasure.” “You bet it has,” said the little man with a grin. “That’s Tommy Jones I gave the apple to, and I scooped the inside out and filled it with mustard.” *.