Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLVI, Issue 21244, 14 January 1939, Page 11

Humour of the Week

Suburban Tragedy He (being diplomatic): I shall miss you terribly when you’re away; in fact, I don't quite know what I shall do, but She (being noble): Oh! Very welt I won’t go. Niceties of Love “It’s awfully difficult, being in love.” “Difficult? How’s that?” “I've been saying such nice things she’s getting conceited. If I don’t say nice things she’ll think I don’t love her, and if I go on she’ll think she’s too good for me.”

Good Medicine According to a medical writer, a good comedian is an excellent tonic. The other sort merely gives you a bad turn. One Up to Wifey Brown arrived home in a bad temper. “Hang it, dinner not ready yet?” he said to his wife. “I shall go out to a restaurant.” “Can’t you wait ten minutes?” asked his wife. “Will it be ready then?” “No, but I’ll be ready to come with you.” Proof Positive Little Tommy came home from school in tears. His father was most concerned to know what was the matter. “It’s that homework you did for me last night, dad,” wailed the boy. “I got the cane for it.” “But it was perfectly correct!” cried father in amazement. “I know that, dad. It was the condition of the paper that got me the cane.” “B-b-but it was absolutely spotless!” gasped the outraged sire. “Yes,” groaned Tommy. “That’s how teacher spotted that it wasn’t my work.” Corrected The landlady was making a determined umpteenth application for back rent. The would-be author endeavoured to pass off the matter of non-payment lightly. “My dear woman,” he said, airily, “you don’t view the thing in the proper light. For instance, are you aware that in a few years’ time people will look up at this miserable garret and say: 'Ah, that is where Scrye, the famous author, did his earliest work.’ ” “Aye?” the landlady retor-ted, unimpressed. “Well, I’m not aware o’ that. What I am aware of is that if I don’t get that rent now. them people you speak of will be able to say it tomorrow!”

Not Good Enough Weary Willie and Tired Tim were sitting by the roadside discussing how they would put the world to rights if only they were given the chance. “Listen, Tim,” said Willie, “if I wos dictator, I’d give three ’hundred and sixty-five ’olidays a year.” “Don’t be a fool, mate!” said Tim. “Why, if yer did that, we’d ’ave ter work a ’ole day every four years.” Couldn’t Stand It As McPherson and his girl were entering the cinema the girl said: “Here’s my one-and-threepence, John.” McPherson looked pleased. “Ah, I’m glad ye’ve given it me before w.e go in, Jenny. Ye know, if there’s one thing I can’t abide it’s to see a lassie pay for hersel’.” Too Much for Her He looked across the tea-table at his pretty bride, hesitated, and then made up his mind to speak. “Darling,” he said, “I wish you wouldn’t make any more scones.” “Why?” she asked, a hurt look in her eyes. “Don't you like my cooking?” “I do, indeed, my sweet, but you are too frail for such heavy work.”

A Moving Picture Jones: Did they take an X-ray of your wife’s jaw at the hospital? Smith: They tried to, but they got a moving picture. Plenty of Experience “So you think you can stand the arduous duties. of a variety actor? You know in our play we find occasion to throw you down a thirty-foot flight of stairs into a barrel of rainwater!” “I can stand it,” said the hungry man. “I was a collector in a hirepurchase firm for three years.”

Watch Closely Angus: Noo, Maggy, here’s a ticket for the conjurin’ show, and when the conjurer comes t’ the part where he makes a teaspoonful o’ flour into a dozen loaves, watch verra verra close.” Likely Symptoms London Magistrate: What made you think the prisoner was drunk? Constable: Well, your worship, he puts a penny in a letter-box, then he looks up at Big Ben and says, “Good gracious, I’ve gone up two stone.” Soothing? He was in a fearful temper. As he went tut he jammed his hat on his head, scowled at his wife, and went out without a word. She called after him:— “You have forgotten something.” “Well, what?” “You didn’t slam the door.” Way Out He arrived home to find his young wife weeping bitterly. “What’s the trouble, my dear?” he asked. “800-hoo,” she wept, “the cooked meat shop is moving from the corner.” “Never mind,” he said, gently, “we can move too, you know!” Crash! “Mummy,” came the voice of a little girl. “You know that vase you said had been handed down from generation to generation?” “Yes?” “Well, this generation has dropped it!” Substitute A dejected-looking man entered the shop and asked for a shilling’s worth of arsenic. “Sorry, sir, but we have no arsenic,” the assistant informed him. “We have no chemicals of any sort, but on the first floor we have razors and revolvers, while you can get rope on the third.”

Soft Answer “Why should a great strong man like you be found begging?” “It is the only profession I know in which a gentleman can address a beautiful woman without an introduction." Reason de Luxe Butch, better known to the prison keepers as No. 76,542, stood before the warden. Butch had staged an unsuccessful jail break that very afternoon—and the warden was naturally curious about it. “Butch,” the warden began, “do you realise that your foolish attempt to escape to-day has added another four years to your already long term?” The convict appeared very innocent. “I didn’t mean nothin’ by it, warden," was his defence. “It’s just that to-day happens to be to big day in my life. A special occasion, sort of —so I guess I winda lost my head.” The warden looked perplexed. “I don’t understand, Butch,” he stated. Butch lowered his head bashfully. “It's like this," he explained. “Today marks my tenth anniversary in this point—and I felt so happy that I decided to go out and celebrate!”

Easy Money Doris is getting a man's wages.” ‘‘Oh? I didn't know she was married.” Lost and Found ‘‘l’m looking for a new cashier.” I ‘‘You're lucky. I’m looking for my ! old one.” A Subtle Retort Mrs Smart: A woman is judged by her company. Mrs Blunt: Yes, but not until after she has left. A Shilling Saved “Granny, you promised me a shilling if I was a good boy at the party.” “Yes, Willie.” “Well, you’ve saved a bob.” The Truth “I swear to you it was at least eighteen inches long. I’ve never seen such a fish.” “I believe you!” A Nasty One Boarder: My shaving water was dirty this morning, Mrs T.” Seaside Landlady: Shaving water! That was your early cup of tea. A Matter of Degree “Why on earth do they make so much fuss of that singer Miss Smith? Miss Jones has a much richer voice.” “Yes; but Miss Smith has a much richer father.” A Good Remedy Mistress: Good gracious Annie, what’s all this mess in the oven? Maid: I dropped the candles in the water, ma’am, so I put them into the oven to dry. In Brief Father: First of all, my boy, realise that my time is limited. Secondly, say what you want. Thirdly, be short. Son: Well, dad, firstly I do. Secondly, I will. Thirdly I am! Trade Secret A lady asked the man who came to clean the windows whether he would have a cup of tea of a glass of beer. ‘Beer’s best, mum,” he replied. "I alius finds it gives a better polish when I breathes on the glass.” Easy! Mr Jones (dictating a leter): Sir, My typist, being a lady, cannot take down what I think of you—l, being a gentleman, cannot even mention it, but you, being neither, can easily guess my thoughts.” Cures and Insults Patient: Doctor, I feel aches and pains all over, and I can hardly move a limb. Doctor: You’re a little stiff. Patient: I came to be cured, not to be insulted. 1 “Yes” and “No” Manager: Where is Mr Brown? Clerk: Speaking on the telephone to his wife. Manager: How do yu know it’s his wife? Clerk: Well, he’s been on the telephone half an hour and I’ve only heard him say ‘Hullo’ and ‘Yes’ so far.” All in the Book “I would like to meet you again,” he murmured as they glided through the waltz. “What about letting me have your telephone number?" “It’s in the book,” she told him. “Good! What’s your name?” “You’ll find that in the book, also,” she said. Careful The secretary put his head into the office of the business magnate. “A man has just called, sir,” he announced. “He wishes you to tell him the secret of your success in business.” “Just a minute,” said the business man cautiously. “Before you show him in, tell me—is he a reporter or a detective?” The Remedy Smith and Robinson met in the club. "Well,” said Smith, “I'm glad to see that you’ve got one of those things for your deafness at last. That’s what I’ve been telling you to do for the last five years.” “Oh,” replied Robinson, loking relieved. “So that’s what you’ve been telling me all the time!” Glad to Go “Get ready to die,” said the footpad, presenting his revolver. “I’m going to shoot you.” “Why?” asked his victifn. “I've always said I'd shoot anyone who looked like me.” “Do I look like you?” “Yes.” “Then shoot!” Cheering Thought A certain well-known Scot had won a big prize in an art union, and had bought himself a very superior car, and hired a chauffeur to go with it. One day a friend noticed that the new car was fitted with a taxi-meter. “What on earth,” he asked, "have you got that meter on your car for?” “Why, mon,” came the reply, "it cheers me to see all the money I might have been spending.” No Prospects Hotel Porter (expecting a tip): “Hope you'll have a nice journey, sir.” McDougall: Verra sorry, ma laddie, but I’ve gi’en a’ ma sma’ change tae th’ chambermaid. Porter: She told me you didn’t give her anything. McDougall: A’ weel, if 1 didna gie yon bonnie lassie oriything, what sort o’ chance dae ye think ye’ve got? An Able Answer He was sitting for an examination and found' the questions rather too much. However, he used his intelligence as far as possible until he came to one question, which read: “State the number of tons of coal exported from the British Isles in any given year.” He though for a moment, and then his brow fleared. Hastily he wrote the answer: “1066 —none.” First Trouble A well-known business man told a friend one day: “Life is just one blame trouble after another, so I’m trying out a new scheme. . . . I’ve just hired a young man, and whenever I have a worry, I’m going to pass it on to him, and he’ll have to take care of it.” “That’s a good idea,” said the other. “What are you going to pay him?” “Five hundred.” ‘What's that? You complaining of bad trade and going to pay a man five hundred pounds a year 'o take care of your worries. Where are you going to get the money from to pay him?” “Well.” said the friend, “I guess that’s goin’ to be his first worry.”