Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLV, Issue 21210, 3 December 1938, Page 14

Humour of the Week

Conscientious A troop of Boy Scouts was encamped on the creek bank at the bottom of Blogg’s farm. The scoutmaster announced that they would have stew for dinner, and he told one of the boys to ask Blogg for a turnip. “Do you want a fairly big one?” asked the boy. “About the size of your head,” said the scoutmaster. Fifteen minutes later Blogg raced into the camp. “One of your boys has gone mad,” he yelled at the scoutmaster. “He’s pulling up all my turnips and trying his hat on them.”

Just as if Nothing had Happened! “You’re a dear, sweet girl, Anna." “But my name is Sue!” “You’re a dear, sweet girl, anna love you with all my heart.” Real Talent The urchin swore a terrific oath. Old Lady: Little boy, where did you learn to swear like that? Urchin: You can’t learn that, mum; it’s a gift! Sweet and Innocent He: I don’t see why this new tandem of ours should seem so hard to pedal. She: Well, the only thing I don’t like, dear, is the way these foot rests keep moving up and down. On and Off “Father, did Edison make the first talking machine?” asked Tommy. “No,” replied his parent. “God made the first talking machine, but Edison made the first that could be shut off.” Two Ways of Falling The American proudly exhibited a small scar. “See that? I got it when I fell from the window of a room on the fortysixth floor of the skyscraper where I work.” “The forty-sixth floor? And you were not killed!” “No, I was lucky—l fell inwards.”

“Dear Brutus . . Two women on a day’s outing went into a restaurant and ordered tripe. When they started to eat it, one woman said to the other, “Isn’t this tripe tough and stringy?" “Well,” replied the other, “I suppose it is a little, but have you tried eating it with your veil off?"

Cakes and Candles Son: “If it’s all the same to you, Mother, I’d rather have nine cakes and one candle for my birthday.” Record Circulation Friend: “I bought a copy of your book the other day.” Author: “Oh, so it was you!” A Wide Aim An American wireless lecturer declares that In his next talk he is going to criticise everybody and everything. What‘you might call a sort of broad castigation. Imagine! Imagine,” invites the writer of an article, “that you can write a cheque for a colossal sum.” Funnily enough, that’s what the Commissioner of Taxes keeps on doing. Price of Pasties A motorist complains of the widely differing prices he was charged for Cornish pasties on a recent tour. He thinks something should be done about the pie-rates of Penzance.

No Silence "Have you missed me dear?’’ "Er—no, dear. I’ve been listening to a lecture on the wireless.” Breaking the Man Mrs Brown: “There's no doubt about it—clothes make the woman.” Brown: "Yes, and break the man.” The Last Word! At a recent fancy-dress ball, couples were asked to attend as traditionallypaired characters. The little man who suggested to his wife that he would make a good St. George is never likely to hear the last of it.

Another Use “Is Jack’s bride a good housekeeper?” “I don’t think so. When I called this morning she was trying to open an egg with a tin-opener.” Virtue Rewarded Reporter: And what do you consider the secret of your great success in life? Rich Soap Manufacturer: Cleanliness, nothing but cleanliness, my lad.” Those Happy Feet "She is a woman W'ho has gone through a great deal for her belief." “Indeed? What is her belief?” “She believes she can wear a No. 5 shoe on a No. 7 foot.” What if He Had An old bachelor who was very bald fell in love with a pretty widow, whose late husband’s name was Robin. One evening the bachelor dropped in to have a cup of tea with the widow. After tea was over she commenced to sing “Robin Adair.” The bachelor picked up his hat and said stiffly: “Madam, it’s no fault of mine that I haven’t." Or if, Or if— If you can start on a motor tour with the certainty of knowing where you’re going— Or if you don’t have to stop every five minutes to look at your gas and oil— Or if you make every turn and detour correctly, according to the guide book— Or if you are driving along at just the right speed for comfort and safety— Or if you’re certain that there isn’t a squeak or rattle in the car—

Look around, old top; she’s either asleep or she’s fallen out somewhere.

Proof Counsel: You say this man was drunk? Witness (cautiously): Well, I said that he sat in his car for three hours in front of a street excavation waiting for the light to turn green. No Football Giants “There are no real giants on the football field to-day," states a veteran. They became spectators long ago in order to come along and stand immediately in front of us. Impromptu Speeches A politician declares that he often delivers an impromptu speech while shaving. The only remedy seems to be to hide his razor away so that his wife can’t do odd jobs with it. Save the Recruit In Britain soldiers who wear glasses are now provided with two pairs. We understand that nervous recruits are to be issued with special rose-coloured spectacles for their first glimpse of the regimental sergeant-major.

Danger Ahead She: “Do you think kissing is dangerous, Claude?” Claude: “I don’t know—where’s your father?” Taking After Mother "Children nowadays look to their father for their financial requirements,” declares a writer. Take after their mother, no doubt. Just a Few Minutes Father: Isn’t it time you were entertaining the prospect of matrimony? Daughter: Not quite, dad. He won’t be here until 8 o’clock. Question of Selection In the opinion of a magistrate a woman ought to choose her husband’s clothes. Why not? After all, she probably selected his wife. Pastime, All the Time “Your eye looks badly swollen, waiter. What’s the matter?” “The draught through the keyholes in this hotel is something shocking, miss.” Hard to Explain “Who was that girl you just spoke to?” asked Maud. “Never mind just now, dear,” replied Bill. “I’ll have enough trouble telling her who you are.” Proverb Disproved Mrs: “Ho, hum . . least said soonest mended!” Mr: “Huh! I haven’t referred to the top button being off my shirt for three months—and it isn’t on yet!” A Woman’s Question “Where are these perfect husbands we hear so much about?” asked a man in a suburban train the other evening. “Usually married to the woman next door, I find,” replied another, smiling. Clearance Sale Young Man, at fete: "How much are you selling kisses for?” “Five pounds apiece, sir.” “H’m. I suppose you won’t be having a clearance sale later on?” One Way Out N “Oh,” cried the landlady in a flutter. ‘T’ve seen a large mouse in the pantry. What shall I do?” “Shut the door and let it starve to death!” suggested a boarder. Up in the Clouds Airman: “I’ll bet you don’t know how it feels to be up in the clouds for days and days.” Smith: “Oh, yes I do. I was in love once.” Office Chatter “The chief secretary’s typewriter is rattling terribly.” “That’s not the typewriter—it’s the chief’s teeth. The auditors are examining the books.” Bespoke Little sister had measles and Eric saw a lovely pudding being taken into the sick-room. "Mummy,” he said, "when Elsie has done with the measles, my I have them?” His First Writ Friend: “Congratulations! I hear that you’ve already got a case to defend.” Young lawyer: “Yes. My tailor has summonsed me.” Reckless After six weeks’ stay, McNab grudgingly gave the hotel porter a shilling. “Ye know, when I was in Paris tips cost me nigh on ten shillings,” he said. "Were you there many years, sir?”

Silence Please Mr Dummett, the Bow Street magistrate, does not think the piano is noisy. As a matter of fact, pianos are quite all right if people will only leave them alone. Economy Newlywed was boasting about his young wife. “You know,” he said, “my wife is so economical that after she changes the goldfish water we have fish soup for two days.” Head of the House First Husband: "You know, old man, you should put your foot down.” Second Ditto: “That wouldn’t be any good. If I put my foot down my wife would convince me I hadn’t got a leg to stand on.” Tee-Hee Then there was the sweet young thing who was being initiated into the mysteries of golf by her boy friend. “And now tell me,” she said, coyly, “which club do I use to make a hole-in-one?” Or a Hot Dog Customer: “What is croquette a la Cambaceres ” Waiter: “It is really Valencienne a la Creme, something like Tournedoes pochees a la Boulagnaise with sauce rapout fin.” Customer: “Um —bring me a steak.” Too Bad The host's daughter had just played the "Moonlight Sonata.” Guest: Ah. Very difficult thing to play, that. Her Friend: M’yes. A pity it wasn’t impossible. Months Ago The rank outsider had just romped home at 50 to 1. Harry: Did yer do it? ’Erb: Do it? No, never ’card of it. "Why, I told yer abaht it months ago. You wrote it down on your shirtcuff.” "Blimey, so yer did. ’Ere it is.” The Spoils Old Lady: You lads ought to be ashamed of yourselves—four of you hitting one little boy. Lad: It’s all right, ma'am. He told us to go and steal apples out of an orchard and we’re giving him a sna’e of what we’ve got. Caution Necessary Tire secretary put his head into the office of the successful business man. “A gentleman has just called, sir,” he announced. “He wishes you to tell him the secret of your success in business.” “Jut a minute," said the boss, cautiously. “Before you show him in, tell me—is he a journalist or a detective?” Worse! “Willie, I don't like that dog you brought home last week. He barks too much. I’ll give you five shillings if you’ll get rid of him.” “AU right, Dad. A deal is a deal.” Next day Willie asked his father for the five shiUings. “Here's your money,” his father said. "How did you get rid of him?” “Why, answered Willie, “I just swapped him for three puppies!”