Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLV, Issue 21186, 5 November 1938, Page 10

Humour of the Week

Success at Last Then there is the fable about the musical genius who gave the best years of his life to perfect a melody. At last success came, and it was adopted as the theme song for a cereal company broadcast. Flowery Two women were discussing the wife of a neighbour. “Och, Maggie, she's got an aspidistra face.” • “And what*ll ye be meaning by that, Jane?” “Always at the window.’’

Sons of the Soil “What’s Dick doing now?” “Well, Dick’s a cattle salesman.” “And William?” “He’s a minister.” “And Tom?” “Tom is in politics.” “And you?” “I’m farming—and feeding Dick, Tom and William.” Only a Wife! Father: Johnny, there’s a button off your coat. Go upstairs and sew it on. Little Johnny (in surprise): Mother will sew it on. “I know she will, but I want you to learn to sew on buttons yourself.” “Why?” “Some day. Johnny, when you grow up, you won’t have any mother—nothing but a wife.” Inconsiderate An old railway worker was retired after forty years with his company. To his delight, in addition to his pension it was decided to give him an old railway coach, dumped in a field, in which to live. After he had settled down, two of his former employers decided to pay a call on the old fellow and see how he was getting on. To their great astonishment, they found him sitting outside the coach in the pouring rain, smoking a cigarette. “You’ll get soaked!” they exclaimed. “Why in the world are you sitting there ” “Well,” snorted the old fellow indignantly, "the cilly chumps went and sent me a non-smoking carriage.”

Realisation She: “You looked terribly stupid when you asked father for my hand.” He: “Yes, on that occasion my face was an indicator of my mind.” First Aid Mistress: “There, now, I’ve cut my finger.” Maid: “You ought have something to twist round it, ma’am. I’ll fetch your husband.” Foreboding Tommy: “Mother, could you get father’s handkerchief out of his pocket and untie the knot in it?” Mother: "Whatever for, sonny?” Tommy : “I—er—think that knot means me.” More Scope “I hear your son is to be a dentist. You said recently that he was to be an ear specialist.” “Yes, he wanted to be, but I persuaded him that a man has 32 teeth and only two ears.”

Eyes Right! Captain (to gunner) : See that man on the bridge ten miles away? Gunner: Aye, aye, sir. Captain: Let him have a twelveinch shell in the eye. Gunner: Which eye, sir? Details A negro doing a hauling job was told that he could not be paid until he submitted a statement of his account. After a great deal of meditation he evolved the following bill: “Three comes and three goes at threepence a went, 1/9.”

“He *ho Laughs Last ... “These new fashions are absolutely freakish.” said Mr Robinson. “Every time I look at that new hat of yours it makes me laugh.” “That’s splendid, darling,” replied his wife. “I’ll hang it up where you can see it when the bill arrives.” Garden Precautions Hawkins entered a big store and made his way to the gardening department. “I want three lawn mowers,” he said. The assistant stared at him. “Three, sir?” he echoed. “You must have a very big estate?” “Nothing of the kind,” said Hawkins grimly. “I have two neighbours.” Home, Sweet Home The ladies of the picnic party had been gathering flowers, leaving father to start getting tea ready. When they returned the kettle was already boiling. “My word,” mother said, pleasantly surprised, “you have been quick boiling the kettle. How did you do it?” “Oh —easy,” father replied airily. I just happened to let the pound of butter fall on the fire.” Determination A young man who complained of insomnia was advised to count until he fell asleep. Next day the doctor paid another visit. “Did you follow my advice?” he asked. “Yes,” was the reply. I counted up to 19,560.” “And then you fell asleep?” “No; it was time to get up.”

A Quiet Seat Club Bore: Is the seat next to you reserved? Member: Yes. In fact, I am happy to say it hasn’t said a word since I’ve been here. Barber to Butcher Business was dull and so was the razor. Barber: Yes, I’ve decided to open a butcher’s shop. Customer: And will you close up this one? A Dangerous Sign “There was a fair hair on my coat this morning. That means trouble.” "I didn’t know you were superstitious.” “I’m not. My wife found the hair!” Judge in Difficulty His Honour: What do you mean, madam? You say that I was the cause of your husband leaving you? Witness: Yes, your Honour. You gave him five years.

Beware the Lady Once upon a time man used to get out of the way of women drivers through a sense of chivalry. Now it’s sheer panic. Vulnerable Parson: “It was a good sermon today, Geordie, though perhaps you thought it a wee bit personal.” Geordie: “Ah dinna ken about that, mon. It wad be a queer sermon that didn’t hit me somewhere.” Stares and Glares The railways carriage was full, and the small boy stared at the fat man i opposite. “What are you staring at me for?” asked the fat man, querulously. “Because there's nowhere else to look,” replied the little chap. In The Stilly Night “Congratulations, Mrs Peterson! The i capers are full of praise for the way in i which you boxed the ears of that burg- ■ lar. I can’t think how you dared to do it.” | “Oh, it came naturally—l thought it was my husband.” Quite Simple I Painter: “But madam, how can I make a portrait that resembles you from these two photographs? One was taken in 1910 and the other recently.” Lady Client: “Oh, I thought you could take the face from one and the dress from the other.” A Mere Detail Shyly she entered the bank, and, going up to one of the clerks, pre- | sented a crossed cheque. | "I'm sorry,” he said politely, “but I can’t pay this across the counter.” ! “Oh. never mind." she replied with |an engaging smile, "I’ll come round I that side.” Too Good to be True A timid little man crept up to the inspector's desk in the police station. “My wife has disappeared. Inspector,” he said, shyly. “When?” asked the inspector. “A fortnight ago.” “Why didn't you come to us before?” “I just couldn't believe it, sir.” Tough Customers A salesman was dismissed because of I a lack of courtesy to customers. A j month later the sales manager spotted I him walking about in a police uniform. Sales Manager: “I see you have joined the force. Jones.” Jones: “Yes, this what I have been looking for all my life. On this job the customer is always wrong.” Real Humour At the Crystal Theatre a woman wearing one of those creations known as the latest thing in hats seated herself in front of Jim. Suddenly she bethought herself and. -turning round said: “Pardon me, sir. but if my hat is interfering with your seeing the comedy, I'll take it off.'' “Please don’t, madam,” replied Jim. “The hat’s much funnier.” Breaking The Ice Piflah summoned up the courage t<3 speak to the girl who sat on the beach. “Isn’t the sea beautiful?” he remarked. “It’s marvellous,” she agreed. “The sun is shining through the clouds like a golden cymbal,” he continued. “Is it?” “Nothing can surpass the majestic splendour of that distant ocean liner.” i “It certainly is a magnificent sight,” j she answered. “If you have nothing to do,” murmured Piflah carelessly, “would you i care to come with me to the pictures?” Hard Luck Life had not treated Larry any too kindly, and he was constantly bemoaning his fate to his friends. One of his friends grew tired of this constant series of hard . luck stories, and decided to put in a protest. “Don't spend all your time grumbling about your bad luck, Larry,” he said impatiently. “When you try to do something and fail, just keep on and try to do it in the opposite way.” “That’s no good,” was the rueful retort. "I’ve tried that, too. I was in hospital once, because a car got out of control and ran away with me. I didn't get out for five months. Then I did what you suggest—l tried runi ning away with the car. That time I i didn’t get out for five years.” Confidence A Cambridge undergraduate studying medicine felt extremely dubious about his chances in a recent examination, and determined to resort to a drug which is said to give confidence. Accordingly, he administered a colossal overdose to himself before the first paper. I Afterwards he remembered nothing I of what he had written in the examin- • ation hall; but his conviction that he I had passed brilliantly was apparently i confirmed the next day when he received a summons from the examiners. He went before them. In silence he was handed his paper. He had written his name out five thousand times. Did Not Get Iler I Tan Said a stately lady, approaching the | “situations vacant” department of the 1 local newspaper: “I want to advertise for a man. I want to get a man to i carry coals in the winter, keep up the j fires, shovel snow, mow the lawn, sprinkle it, tend the flowers, mind the children, wash the dishes, sweep the front, run errands, and all that sort of work. In short, I want a man who wiil always be about the place and can be called upon for any kind of hard work. He must be sober and trustworthy, of good appearance, not over thirty—” “Excuse me. madam.” interrupted the clerk, “We do not accept matrimonial advertisements.”

Canny An Aberdonian, living alone, had an early morning train to catch. Being a heavy sleeper, he was afraid that he would not be able to wake up in time, i Several possibilities presented themselves to him, but, nfortunately, every one of them meant that he would have to give someone a tip. In the end, he addressed an envelope to himself and posted it without a stamp. Early next morning there came a thunderous knock on the door. The Scot climbed out of bed and opened the window. “Here’s a letter for you,” called the postman. ‘•There’s tuppence to pay.” “Tak’ it back,” commanded the wily Aberdonian. “Carlessness like that doesna* deserve tae be encouraged.”