Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLV, Issue 21180, 29 October 1938, Page 10

Humour of the Week

Asking for Trouble “Your husband looks like a brilliant man,” said he, as they sat together on the sofa. “I suppose he knows everything?" “Don’t be a fool,” she replied. He doesn’t even suspect anything." Unusual Gwen: Did you hear about Maureen? She has a position as detective jn one of the big jewellery stores. Louise: Well, I don’t envy her. Just imagine being known as a “plain clothes” woman!

Hot Stuff “I hear that Bunker has had another fire at his place?” "Yes, he’s an optimist. Whenever trade is bad he makes light of it.” When in Rome “Willie, what do you consider the greatest accomplishment of the ancient Romans?” “Speaking Latin.” Easy Work Sister (in 70-bedded hospital ward): Doesn’t it appal you to see the size of the ward you have to scrub? Charwoman: Lawks, sister, I never looks —1 alius works backwards. Swing-Time Film Director (to band conductor): Cut out that music! Here we have the hero about to be lynched—and you play a dreamy waltz. Conductor: Yes, that's why! You see it goes with a swing." Odd “Well, well,” remarked Jones, reading from his newspaper, “that’s odd. A Scotsman run over by a brewery wagon!" “What’s odd about that?” asked Mrs Jones. “I should think it’s the first time the drinks have been on him.” Of Course He Would “Please, sir,” said the clerk timidly, I'd like to have next week off if it's convenient.” “Oh, you would, would you?” said his employer. “And may I ask what for?” “Well, my young lady is going on her honeymoon, and I'd like to go with her.” The Reason The disappointed humorist was inclined to be rather bitter. One day he said to the editor of a comic paper—- “ Hang it all, sir, you sit on every joke that I submit.” “And the reason is quite plain,” replied the editor. “I should certainly not sit on them if there was any point to them.”

Worse Miss Young: I warn you against marrying that man, dear. I am sure he will lead a double life. Miss Older: Well, if I don't marry him I'll ha.ve to lead a single one, and that's worse. Acquiescence A man was unfortunate enough to be killed by a tram near a little country

village. His body was removed to the local public house, where an inquest was held. The jury consisted of villagers unused to such proceedings, and the Coroner, wishing to be helpful, advised them to bring in a verdict of "felo de se.”

Having retired to consider their verdict, some argument arose among the jury as to what the Coroner meant. The foreman soon settled the difficulty. “This Coroner chap,” he explained, “knows what he’s talking about. He’s had these jobs before. If he says the dead man fell in the sea. he fell in the sea.”

A few minutes later the jury filed back into court, and the foreman announced the verdict, “Found drowned.”

The other Cheek “I saw you strike your little brother —you coward!” “It’s all right, Miss, I was just seeing if he'd learned what our Sunday school teacher said about turning the other cheek to the smiter." Curious Echo “I’m told you have a curious echo here." “That’s right, sir, quite remarkable it is. The men shout when they go to bed, and the echo wakes up their wives in the morning to get the breakfast.”

Ammunition Neighbour: I've just heard an awful story about your husband. Mrs Brown: Do tell me. I need a new hat. Back on Line Passenger: Tire train is not rocking as it did some time ago. Guard: No, sir. It’s back on the line now. Gave Up First Choir-boy: What made you give up singing in the choir? Second Choir-boy: I was absent one Sunday, and someone asked if the organ had been mended. Unprofitable A calf was nibbling at the grass in the yard, and was viewed in silence for some minutes by a city girl. "Tell me," she said, turning impulsively to her hostess, “does it really pay to keep a cow as small as that?” Lady in a “Spot” A woman motorist ran into the back of a motor lorry. It was a case of bad driving, but not wishing to admit it and lacking the courage to shift the responsibility on the lorry driver she said to him, “I can’t understand how it happened; I was driving properly.” The lorry driver turned to her, and with withering scorn replied, “Madam, there’s only one think women drive properly—and that's men barmy.” No Fear An officer was giving a squad of recruits a few hints on what to do when they got into the fighting-line. “You," he said to "Sapphire” Green, who was as rough in speech as he was in looks, “What would you do if an enemy lunged at you with a bayonet?” “Stick him,” said “Sapphire.” “Yes, I know—but how?” “Parry, and sock him will: me skewer,” said “Sapphire." "Don't you know how to say 'sir'?" “Yes." “Don’t be afraid to say it, then,” said the officer sarcastically. “Fear isn't a part of a soldier’s make-up. Have you ever experienced fear?” “No.” “No what?” “No —— fear,” said "Sapphire.”

Car without Tears Basing her calculations on the assumption that the average driver, when in control of a 10 horse-power car, is and always will be Incapable of showing the sound horse-sense of one horse, let alone ten. Miss Rigworthy is now hard at work in the back room, designing a vehicle which will go just as fast as the human brain can think and no faster. Its estimated top speed is 4 miles per hour. This car will be not only clutchless and gearless, but it will be devoid of an internal combustion engine and a steering wheel as well. Thus the four most dangerous features of the modern motor-car will be completely eliminated.

The general princilple on which the car works is that of the tricycle, the chassis being mounted on three ballbearing road wheels—two behind and one In front.

Power Is supplied by four separate sets of pedals—one set to each occupant—and the drive is carried to the back wheels by means of chains running in little oil-baths. The whole caboodle is steered by reins.

Hockey or Bridge "Do you play hockey?” inquired the doctor, as he eamined the patient’s shins. “No,” replied the patient. “Bridge.” Now then! “The man who says he’s absolutely certain of anything is a fool.” “Are you sure of that?” “Absolutely certain!” No “Perks” “Did you get a commission when you were in the army?” asked Cohen. “No,” replied Abrahams, “I was lucky to get my wages.” Had Some! “It looks like a storm. You had better stay to dinner.” “Oh, thanks. But it’s hardly threatening enough for that.” A Silent Return “You can't say I made any noise coming home last night.” “That’s true; but the friends who were carrying you did.” An Expert Gushing Hostess: “Oh, so you’re Mr Guston Borglum, the famous sculptor. I’m so glad you’ve come. Would you mind carving the roast to-night?” An “Agreeable” Wife. Bill: I know now that my wife lied to me before we were engaged. Tom: What do you mean? Bill: When I asked her to marry me she said she was agreeable. No Recognition Miss A: Why, I though you knew her. She lives in the same square with you. Miss B: Perhaps; but she does not move in the same circle. No Repayment! "You were very good to lend me that tenner; I feel I can never repay you.” “Then why on earth didn't you say so before!” Cutting Elsie: Just think. Yesterday a musicial told me that I had the loveliest figure in the world. Mabel: Oh—now it only wants a sculptor to say that you have a fine voice. A Husband’s Loss “Did you hear that my wife has eloped with Smithers, my accountant?” “How terrible!" “Yes, isn’t it? Smithers was a firstclass man. I’ll find it very difficult to replace him.” No “Pat”; No Fight! Pat was constantly before the Bench for fighting. He appeared again. Magistrate: Must you be present at every fight in the district? Pat: Yes, I suppose I must—otherwise there would be no fight. Speeded Up "How on earth did Murphy win that cross-country race? He was dead beat when I saw him.” “Oh, he sat down to rest on a wasps' nest, and after that there was no holding him back.” Experience Lawyer: How is it that you are so successful these days? You used not to be anything remarkable. Friend: Well, I did not know what defending a case meant, until I married. Hands Full “You are a big, strong man. Why didn’t you get the burglar by the throat?” “It wasn’t possible. I had a revolver in one hand and a hatchet in the other.” Successful Lucky Charm • "Do you know I’ve got a lucky charm. It keeps me from getting broke.” “I don’t believe in lucky charms. What is it, anyway?” “A ten-shilling note.” Demonstrations Prospective Tenant: Yes, it’s a very nice house, but why are all the windows smashed? Landlord: That's nothing serious. Just been convincing a few inquirers that it is only a stone’s throw from the station.”

Tramp’s Hand Laundry Tramp: Yes'm. I once had a good job managin’ a hand laundry, but it failed. Lady: Poor man! How did it happen to fail? Tramp: She left an’ went home to her folks. Making Sure “Well, lad, what’s ta want?” said the shopkeeper. “A ’oomp-backed rabbit.” “A ’oomp-backed rabbit—whatever for?" “Mother doesn't want top of rabbit pie to fall in.” Meeting Him Half Way “No, sir,” said the defendant. “I was certainly not drunk, though I may have been intoxicated." “Well,” said the magistrate, “I intended to fine you ten shillings, but in view of your explanation I will make it half a sovereign.” Cutting “My best man dined with us last Sunday and was so impressed with my bride’s cooking that he sent her a carving set.” “That was nice.” “Not so very. He sent her three chisels and a mallet.” Np Picnic! A woman with five children entered a tram. She busied herself seating them. A benevolent old gentleman rose and gave her his seat. “Are those all your children, madam?" he asked, “or is it a picnic?" “They're all mine,” snapped the woman, “and it’s no picnic.” Prayer and Weather The rector, walking over his sunburnt lawn, said to his old gardener: "Everything looks terribly dried up. Jacob; I think I shall pray for rain tomorrow. And the old man replied: “Don't think me interferin’, sir, but it ain’t much use praying for rain with the wind in the north!” Fortune from Law First Old Gentleman: Who is that handsome young man standing there? Second Old Gentleman: That’s my daughter’s husband. Very brilliant young man; he made a fortune through the law. “Indeed!" “Yes; the law made me his father.”

The stable door was shut Cautiously I opened the door to peep In. Suddenly there was a snarl and a rush of a big black dog, but I slammed the door just in time to prevent his escape. We had got him; the trap had worked all right. Later that morning we fed him and put a chain on him. Then he was sent off to his home. But before he had got very far he somehow slipped his chain and was once more seen tearing down to the woods. Again that night the trap was set as before, but owing to the high wind the stable door had to be kept open by an obstacle that would only be moved by the sudden jerk of the weighted cord.

Sleep was impossible for me, and at midnight I visited the trap. It was standing all ready as I had set it. At 2a.m. on a bitter freezing morning I visited it again. The door was shut! Cautiously I let myself into the stable and turned on the lights. The dog was not there.

He had evidently come in, had pulled the string but, alarmed by the falling weight, had jumped out through the door just before it slammed to, and had escaped.

I set the trap once more, scarcely hoping that he would be fool enough to visit it again.

Then, as I came away, I thought I saw a slight movement in the laurel bushes nearby.

I threw a lump of meat into the laurels hoping the dog might be lurking there, and sure enough in a moment or two I had the satisfaction of hearing the chewing of the meat by hungry jaws. I then threw another piece so that it fell just outside the bushes. Presently a black head peered cautiously out, made a snatch at the bait, and jerked quickly back with it into the shade of the bushes.

Bit by bit, with little morsels of liver, I drew him out, coaxing, whistling, and talking to him. It took a long time, but I gradually got him to come nearer and nearer to me. It was desperately cold work, but it was worth it, and in the end he let my meat-giving hand come near enough to stroke him, and then to catch hold of him.

And that is how we managed to catch him and restore him to his owner. —“The Scout."

Eight Leaders and Scouts camped on the property of the Highfield Den and looked after the cooking arrangements for 25 under scouters. Ralph Best as Quartermaster did good work. "Sunny Tlmaru” could be heard steadily beating down on the roof, but despite the sodden ground, the scouts, plus the quartermaster, cooked a carcass of mutton, in pieces, of course. They provided two course meals and looked after our visitors right royally. After the conference the visitors took the opportunity of acknowledging the boys’ hard work. They observed the eighth Scout Law and whistled under all circumstances.

We are grateful to the Committee of the Highfield Group for the use of their Dens and to their Rovers and Scouters in the preparation of same lor the conference. It was intended to occupy the Northdown Te Rangi's new Den for a part of the sessions, but weather conditions cancelled the arrangements. The camping arrangements showed that the Scouters and Scouts can rough it with the best of campers. THREE CHEERS FOR THE LOSER! The best man wins, and the winner quite justly deserves the prizes—but what of the best loser? Has it ever occurred to you that this fellow, who has pitted all his strength and endurance against one whom he probably realises is a far better man. shows the spirit of real sportsmanship? Have you ever thought of giving him a prize?

Now don't mistake me by thinking I am suggesting that the fellow who comes in last should receive a “booby” prize. By the best loser. I mean a fellow who has entered for the most events, but just couldn't get near enough to pulling them off. It is not a very hard task for a chap who is a hot man at any one particular event to go in and win, but a fellow who is sport enough to try again and again with determination, though the odds are against him, is well worthy of recognition—and to him I say award the loser’s prize, or the best trier’s prize.

This idea can be adopted not only for sports events, but also in connection with Troop Competitions. Although you may not have set events, you can make an award for best trier, though he mar rot be anywhere near the winners ar regard. l : marks.