Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLIII, Issue 20896, 27 November 1937, Page 10

Humour of the Week

Ambitious Warder: Why did you come here? Convict: Well, I wanted to be a prison governor, so I thought I’d work my way up from the bottom. Up to Date “How did you like those Chinese back-scratchers I bought you?” “Is that what they were? My wife's been making me eat salad with them!” Cat! Soprano: Did you notice how my voice filled the hall last night? Contralto: Yes, dear: in fact, I noticed several people leaving to make room for it. Neutral Wife: Wake up John! There’s a burglar going through your pants pockets. Husband (turning over): Oh, you two just fight it out between yourselves. Up to the Neck Bore: I'm a born enthusiast. Whatever I undertake I throw myself into wholeheartedly. Listener: I wish you'd undertake to dig a deep hole. Forewarned Peter: You know, dear, they say that people who live together for any length of time get to look exactly alike. Polly: Then you may consider my refusal quite definite. Celestial Bliss Bobby: Mother, was baby sent down from heaven? Mother: Yes, Bobby. Bobby: They like to have it quiet up there, don't they? Got the Bird "These are hard times for actors, laddie." “They certainly are. I must say you're looking very seedy, old pal." “Seedy? Huh, I’m so seedy I tremble every time I pass a canary.” Anti-Climax Jones had taken his car to a garage for minor repairs. “You wouldn’t think it was a second-hand car, would you?” he remarked to the mechanic. “Great Scott, no!” said the mechanic. “I thought you made it yourself.” Complications “I hear your daughter won £lOOO in the big sweepstake; that’ll keep the wolf from the door for a long time.” “It may keep the wolf from the door, but I’ve noticed a lot of young cubs hanging round.” Fussy Landlady: You seem very hard to please, Mr Simpkins. Lodger: How’s that? Landlady: Well, more than a dozen boarders have used that towel today—and you’re the first one to complain about it. Lively “Are they fresh?” asked a woman buying fisji from a costermonger. The coster looked at his stock. “Fresh, mum? Why, just look at ’em.” And turning to his wares he shouted, “Lie still, can’t yer? Lie still!” Hard Lines “Louise has a frightfully difficult part in the amateur society’s new production.” “Difficult? Why, she hasn’t to say a single word.” "Well, what could be more difficult than that?” Fixing the Blame “My dear,” said the husband, “if you hadn’t taken so long dressing we shouldn’t have missed that train.” “If you hadn’t made me run all the way to the station, darling,” replied the wife, “we shouldn’t have had to wait so long for the next.” The Reason “Why is it,” shouted the angry father, “that whenever I come into the room I find you kissing my daughter?” “Because, sir,” said the ardent suitor, “when you come into the room you don’t make enough noise.” Crushing He was boring the girl to tears when in came her dog. “All,” he exclaimed, “have you taught him any tricks since I was here last?” “Yes,” she said sweetly. “If you whistle he’ll get your hat.” Explained “I cannot understand,” said the vicar, “why so many of our congregation go straight from church to the public-house.” “Oh,” said his lively curate, “that’s what is known as ‘the thirst after righteousness.’ ” A Whisper Little Willie had stayed for dinner at the neighbour’s house. “You didn’t expect to have so many people to dinner, did you?” he asked the host. “Did a little bird tell you?” “Yes, the little piece of chicken on my plate.” Reward for Virtue Murphy determined to pass his favourite tavern on his way home. As he approached it he became somewhat shaky, but, after plucking up courage, he passed it. Then after going about 50 yards, he turned, saying to himself, “Well done, Murphy, me bye. Come back and I’ll treat you.”’ Appropriate Playwright (explaining new script) Now for the end of the second act I’ve got a really swell idea. The hero has been captured by bandits .... they are trying to hang him on a treetrunk, but nobody can find a rope. At this stage the orchestra begins to play “The Lost Chord.” Scientific “Goodness, Sarah, what a kitchen!” exclaimed Mrs Hlnks. “Every pot, pan, and dish is dirty. The table is a perfect litter and—why it will take you all night to clear things up. What have you been doing?” “Nothing mum,” explained Sarah. “Your daughter has just been showing

me how they boil a potato at her cookery school.”

Not So Fast Father (anxiously): Isn’t your young man rather fast, daughter? Girl: Yes, father, but I don’t think he’ll get away! Might Feel Better “Have you anything to say before I pass sentence on you?” “Yes, your honour, I should like you to have your lunch first.” No Sting Isa: And she actually married that ugly old rotter. That’ll kill her pride. Nora: And what a gorgeous death. He has £lO,OOO a year. Kinder Landlady: You’ll have to pay your bill or leave. Lodger: Thanks awfully. My last landlady made me do both. Hanging On Barber: What’s the matter? Ain’t the razor takin’ hold? Victim: Yeah, it’s taking hold all right, but it ain’t lettin’ go again. That’s Different Mistress: Cook, will you require the same wages if I help you with the cooking.” Cook: No, mum; ten shillings more! At Her Feet She: My, but I’m having a marvellous time! Men were at my feet practically all day to-day! Her: Really? And did you buy any of the shoes? One-Sided Landlady: "Of course, I must ask you for a deposit. New Tenant (handing over required sum): Certainly. Landlady (beaming): Thanks. And now, do you want a receipt, or shall we trust each other? Nac Bother “Jeannie, lassie. I’ve just had a visit fae Tammie, and I’ve consented to your marriage.” “Oh, but faither, I dinna’ want to leave mither!” “Hoots, lassie, dinna let that trouble ye; ye can tak’ her wi’ ye!” Ad Infinitum Bingley was looking very depressed. “What’s wrong?” inquired Jones sympathetically. “It’s the wife,” moaned Bingley. “She will insist on having the last word.” “Why, man, you’re lucky!” returned Jones, "Mine never finishes!” Why Worry? “Well, Dick, my boy,” said his uncle, “my congratulations! I hear you’re engaged to one of the pretty Robbins twins.” "Rather!” replied Dick, heartily. “But,” said his uncle, “how on earth do you manage to tell them apart?" “Oh,” said the young man, “I don’t try.” Squashed A city girl staying in the country became friendly with a young farmer One evening as they were strolling they saw a cow and a calf rubbing noses in the accepted fashion. “Ah!” said the young farmer, “that sight makes me want to do the same.” “Well, go ahead,” said the girl; “it’s your cow.” More Merciful It was a good play, but one man in the gallery started to boo. “Chuck him over the rails,” shouted the rest of the galleryites. Then, amid the scuffle, a mild little woman in the stalls below stood up and cried excitedly: “Oh, please, don’t throw him over the rails. Kill him where he is!” Celebration At breakfast a Scot suddenly exclaimed in horror, “Jean, Jean! Can a believe my own eyes? Sich extravagance I never saw in a’ my life!” “Hoots, Jock, what’s the matter?” asked Jean. “Two pinches of salt on wee Jamie’s porridge I" “Well, never mind. Ha’e ye forgotten it's his birthday?" Two Englishman bound for New York had sat side by side on deck chairs without exchanging a word. On the third day one of them fell asleep, and his book fell on the deck with a thud. It broke ice. The other man picked up the book, and the following dialogue took place:— "Thanks very much. Going across?” “Yes.” “So am I." Mistaken A certain young man, who kept himself fit by donning running shorts in the evening and going for an hour’s trot round several quiet streets, was one night hailed by a woman. On slowing down, he discovered it was his laundress, who gasped out:— “Oh, I’m sorry I’m late with your washing this week, sir. but if you'll go home at once I promise you'll have it first thing to-morrow morning.” Sticking to his Guns Soon after a woman obtained a cat from the animal shelter she telephoned back to say they would not keep It. “I’m awfully sorry," she said. “It’s a dear, and we are fond of it, but the cat is a bird killer and we just can’t have a bird killer. “I’m sure my husband would be glad to make a contribution to the shelter for your trouble in taking the cat back,” she added, “but he is up north shooting ducks.” Sold The tailor was selling his best friend a new suit. He was raving about the garment. “I’m telling you, Harry,” he said, “that even your best friend won’t recognise you in that suit! Just take a walk outside for a minute and get the feel of the garment.” Harry went out and returned a moment later. The proprietor rushed up to him with a happy smile. “Good morning, stranger,” he beamed. “What can Ido for you?"