Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLII, Issue 20587, 28 November 1936, Page 10 (Supplement)

Humour of the Week

Fair Enough “What do you give for blank verse?” asked the poet. • Blank cheques,” the editor replied. Amateur Hour “I admire that tenor!” “I thought he had a poor voice.” “Yes, but think of his courage.” Needed ‘Advice •'Now, my son,” said his fond mother, as the boy was starting off to join the Navy, “remember to be punctual in rising every morning, so you will not keep the captain waiting breakfast for you.” Part of the Act Mrs Brown: This suit is very shabby, dear. Shall I send it to the jumble sale? Mr Brown: Goodness, no! That’s the one I wear when I go to protest against my income-tax assessment! That’s Different! MacLaughlin had just proposed to a widow he had met recently. “But I have nine children,” she informed him. "You deceived me,” he stormed. “They’re all working,” she continued. “Dearest!” English Lesson It was Timothy’s first day at school. He walked up to the teacher’s desk and announced: “I ain’t got no pencil.” Shocked at his expression, the teacher exclaimed, “Oh, Timothy, I have no pencil.” A sympathetic look crossed the sma.l boy’s face, and he replied: “You ain’t either? Well, we’re both in the same fix.” Mind Your Own Business! A milk waggon met with a slight mishap, and several cans of milk were upset. Among the bystanders was a young man who, after surveying the spilled milk, remarked: “My, what a waste!”

“Just then a woman of more than average proportions happened along, and remarked: “Young man, your candour exceeds your gallantry.” *

Bent on Mischief “Mummy!” cried the three-year-old Tommy, as he burst into the parlour where his parents were engaged in a game of cards with two visitors, “you said baby had your eyes and daddy’s nose, didn’t you?” “Yes, dear, but run back to bed.” “Oh, well, you’d better keep an eye on him. He’s got grandpa’s teeth now!” Finally When a meek-looking man applied for settlement of a claim for fire insurance, the agent asked: “Much damage?” “Not much,” the man said, “just a door.” “How much would a new door cost?” “About five dollars.” “When did the fire occur?” The man hesitated a moment, then replied: “About thirty years ago.” “Thirty years ago?” “Yes.” “And you’ve waited all these yars tc report it?” “Yes.” “How did it happen?” “Well,” said the man, “my wife has been at me to do something about that door ever since it was burned, and I couldn’t stand it any longer.”

The Reason A very proper and careful old woman was engaging a new gardener. “Have you any references from your lasi, place, my man?" she inquired. “No, mum,” replied the applicant. “They wouldn’t give me one.” -Why?” “Oh," answered the man, absently, “I hit onu of Llui

Rebuked Customer (seeking a loan): Of course, you remember the old saying, "A friend in need is a friend indeed?” Banker: Yes, stranger. Time Evens It Up Topkin: Time balances all things. Popkin: Yes, I know; Henry VIII married six wives, and Edward VIII isn’t likely to marry any. Curious “Johnnie! What are you up to now? Why are you looking in that mirror with your eyes closed?” “I just want to see what I look like when I’m asleep.”

Keep v our Eyes Open “John, you had better keep your eyes open when you go to New York.” “Why?” ‘“People would think you were a bit odd if you went around with them shut.” Convenient “So you had cherries to eat in the cinema?” said mother. “I hope you did not throw the stones on the floor.” “Oh, no, mummy,” answered the boy. “I put them in the hat on the seat beside me.” Party Line Strategy A woman on a party line took down the receiver, but the line was in use. She heard another woman remark, “I just put on some beans to cook, so I thought I’d call you up.”

Some time later the first woman again tried to use the line. The other two women were still talking. Impatient to make her call, the first woman broke in: “Madame, I smell your beans burning.” There was a scream; receivers slammed; and the line was open. The Wrong Man A man travelling at night, asked the porter to put him off at a certain station, whether he was asleep or awake. “Get me out, no matter how I may resist,” said he. On waking in the morning, he found that the train had long passed his station. He went for the porter and gave him what might be described as “the works.” “Go on,” said the porter resignedly. “It’s nothing to what the man did that I did put out!” First or Second Jock came out of the palmist’s tent at the country fair looking very dejected. He was met by his friend, Sandy. “Man alive!” gasped Sandy. “What’s wrang wi’ ye? Ye’re lookin’ awfu’ gloomy.” Jock indicated the tent he had just ’eft. “That palmist in there tells me my wife’s second husband was tae to be very handsome and clever,” he replied dejectedly. “But,” exclaimed Sandy, “ye’re no’ goin tae worry about that, are ye?" “It’s no that,” said the other, “but to think Mary was married afore an’ never told me!”

Guarantee A jeweller’s assistant, an absentminded fellow, was being married. He was presenting the bride with the ring, when he hesitated. “With this ring,” said the bridegroom, “we give a written guarantee, reminding the customer that the price ; will be refunded if it «r not as repre- '