Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLII, Issue 20509, 29 August 1936, Page 10

Humour of the Week

His Change Wife No. 1: My husband doesn’t know what I go through when he snores. Wife No. 2: Yes, my husband never misses his small change, either. Custom Corporal: That new recruit used to be a clerk. Sergeant: How do you know? Corporal: Every time he stands at ease he tries to put his rifle behind his ear. A Precaution Bill: Here’s a subscriber wants to know why they whitewash the inside of chicken-houses Phil: Tell him it’s to keep the chickens from picking the grain out of the wood.

In Advance New Boarder: When I left my last boarding place the landlady wept. Landlady: Well, I won’t. I always collect in advance. Apposite Banks: That’s a big fine garden you’ve got with your new house. Have you given it a name? Jinks. Yes, “The Back Acre.” Enjoyment Sandy: Are ye fond of moving pictures, Jeannie? Jeannie (thoughtfully): Ay, Sandy. Sandy: Then maybe, lass, ye’ll help tae get half a dozen doon out o’ the back attic. A Journey “And where is your sailor son now?” asked the visitor of an old inhabitant. “Well, I don’t rightly know, miss, whether he be gone to Gibraltar in the Jupiter, or to Jupiter in the Gibraltar, but it be somewhere in those parts.”. Pitch and Toss During the General Information lesson, the teacher had found his scholars slow in recognising coins of the realm. Pulling half a crown out of his pocket he slapped it down on the desk. “What’s this?” he asked. “Heads,” says little Tommy. A Cure “Well, Cassidy,” said the Irish doctor, “phwats the matter wid ye?” “Oi’ve pains in the stomach, sorr,” replied Cassidy. “o’ll soon put ye roight,” said the doctor, handing the patient a box of pills. “Take wan ov these an ’our after failin’ asleep, an’ another an ’our before ye waken!” Sharing the Expense Two ladies had been spending a shopping expedition together and were returning home by tramcar. As they sat down one of them took out her purse, but the other held back her arm. “No, no,” she said. “It’s my turn now to share the expense. You paid for the teas, the cinema, and the ices.” To conductor in a loud voice: “Two penny ones please.” Proud Steed A hard-up sportsman bought a hunter and put off payment for a time. When, a week or two later, he met the man who sold him the horse, he tried to shuffle out of the bargain. “I am not satisfied with that animal,” he said. “Why, what’s the trouble?” asked the seller. “Well, it won't hold its head up,” said the sportsman. “Oh, that’s all right, sir, it’s just pride. Just you wait till he’s paid for.”

Staying There Grandpa had wandered off into the woods and failed to return for supper, so his young grandson was sent to look for him. He found him standing in the bushes. Gettin’ dark, Grandpa,” the tot ventured. “Yep.” “Ain’t ye hungry?’ “Yep.” “Wai, are ye coinin' home?” “Nope.” “Why ain't ye?” “Can’t.” “Why can’t ye?” “Standin’ in a bear trap.”

Simple - James: Did you hear about the fel5 low who invented a device for looking through brick walls? John: No; what does he call it? James: A window. The Question > Specialist: Could you pay for an operation if I thought one was necessary? ■ j Patient: Would you find one neces- ; sary ii I could not pay for it? Sure Sign • Teacher (to pupil): Well, Billie, if ■ you have two-and-six in your left pocket and four-and-six in your right, what must you have? Witty Pupil: Please, sir, somebody’s else’s trousers on.

Let’s Laugh Mother: Did you catch those fish yourself, dear? Billy: Oh, no! I had some worms to help me. Usual “The Weavers next door are quiet to-night. Is there anything wrong?” “No; they’re always like that. When he proposed he just held up a diamond ring and said ‘Eh?’ and she looked at it and said ‘Uh-huh.’ ” Sweet Sleep The Irish foreman found one of his workmen sleeping under the shade of a tree. “Sleep on, you idle fellow,” he said. “Sleep on. So longsBS you sleep you’ve got a job, but whes you wake up you’re out of work.” Passing it On Gentleman (who has struggled unsuccessfully to write a telegram with the post office pen, to girl behind counter) : “Might this pen, by any chance, be the one with which King John signed the Magna Charta?” Girl: “Inquiries on the right, sir.” Full House “Well, how are you getting on in your new house?” “Oh, not so badly. We furnished one of the rooms by collecting soap coupons.” “Didn’t you furnish the other five rooms?” "We can't. They’re full of soap.” Not the Worst Shot “I suppose I must be the worst shot you’ve ever seen,” remarked the vexed sportsman to the Irish keeper. “Ah, not at all,” replied the other, soothingly. “But I haven’t hit a bird all morning ! ” “Ah, but your honour misses ’em so cleanly.” Doubtful “I don’t know whether to use this testimonial or not,” mused the boss. “What’s the matter with it?” demanded the advertising manager. “Well,” explained the boss, “the man writes: ‘I used to have three biild spots on the top of my head, but since using a bottle of your hair restorer I have only one.’” Cheap Music Hopkins was showing his friend round the new house he had bought. At last they came to a room which Hopkins proudly announced as the musicroom. "Music-room?” said his friend. “But there's neither piano nor any other instrument here.” "Ah, no,” said Hopkins, “but our neighbour's wireless comes through best in this room.”

Fell For It “Fine piece of land out here!” said the dusty, shrewd-looking man as he descended from his trap outside the farmer’s house. “You’re right there,” replied the farmer eagerly. “It’s tlie best to be found in the country.” "Bit too high a figure for a poor man, I reckon?” asked the stranger. “It’s worth every penny of three hundred pounds an acre,” answered the farmer, with an eye to business. “Were you thinking of buying and settling in these parts?” "Hardly.” murmured the traveller, making some notes in a book. “I’m the new tax assessor!”

Heavy Touch I Proud Mother: And what do you i think of our little Frank as a pianist, j Professor: Well, he has a nice way I of closing the lid. Cutting Her Losses “My fiance lost all his money in the Stock Exchange crash.” “I bet you feel sorry for him?” “Yes, he'll miss me.” Time to Get Up Guest: Well, good-night. I hope I haven’t kept you up too late. Host (yawning): Not at all. We should have been getting up soon in any case. Providential Returned Missionary: In Africa many of the natives wear almost nothing. Miss Prude: Mercy! It’s a good thing Africa is a dark continent. Proof of the Parrot Customer: Are you sure this parrot can talk? Dealer: Can he talk? Why, a woman’s club sold him to me because none of the members could get in a word! Rubbish! “Yes, sir, these are the ruins of a building that was in existence 2500 years ago,” declared the guide. “What rubbish!” one member of the tourist party answered. “Why, its only 1936 now.” No Charge She: Love-making is just the same to-day as in ancient times. He: How do you know? She: I've just been reading obout a Greek maiden who sat and listened to a lyre all night. Did Her Best Mr Newlywed: What's wrong with that pie crust, darling? It doesn't half cover the pie. Mrs Newlywed: I asked your mother how to make pies to suit you, and she told me to make the crust very short. Poor Performer A little girl was taken to a concert to hear a very famous tenor. When she got home she was asked how she had liked the singer. “Oh,” she said, “they kept fetching him back until he sang his songs properly.” True Enough “Look here, Snidders,” said Wallerby, “this dog you sold me is no fighter. He’s a regular mush of a mollycoddle. You told me he’d lick anything on sight.” “So he will,” said Snidders, “he’s vurry, vurry affectionate.” Heard in Tramcar Mother and little girl sitting just inside, the latter watching very intently an old lady standing on the platform “waiting to alight,” talking to conductor. After a few minutes the little girl turns and says very seriously: “Mummy, why doesn’t he push her off?” A Way Out Mrs Newrich was riding in her expensive car down a steep hill when the chauffeur became alarmed.

“Madame, ’ he explained, “the brakes refuse to act.” . “Then stop the car immediately,” said Mrs Newrich. “I’ll get out and walk.” Why Go There? “If there is one thing that I enjoy more than another,” said Sprucer, “it is to get to the river bank and lie about fishing. “Why, I fail to see the necessity for your going to the banks of the river to do that,” remarked Mrs Sprucer quietly. Similar Tastes “When two people like the same thing their married life is bound to be happy,” sighed the romantic girl. “Well, you and George ought to be happy,” remarked her friend, who wanted George and didn’t get him. “I know you love him, and I notice he is very fond of himself.” Head of the House “So you didn’t sell those people at No 10 a vacuum cleaner after all?” “No, sir.” “Did you ask to see the head of the house?” “Yes, sir.” “Well?” “That simply started an argument.” Likely After spending the greater part of the evening with his friends John decided that home was the place for him,

and arriving there he elected to sleep in the front garden. Next morning, happening to look up, he saw his wife observing him from a front window. “Shut that window,” he yelled. “Do you want me to catch my death of cold?” Nicely Put A man and his wife had enjoyed their previous holiday on a farm so well that they wished to repeat it. The only thing that made them doubtful was that they had been somewhat annoyed by the close promixity of the pigsty to the house. Finally the man wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable feature. He received the following reply:— “We haven't had any pigs on the place since you were here last summer. Be sure to come.” Every Little Helps The energetic traveller for a coffee firm believed in seizing every opportunity. Coming to a little village one day, he chatted with a lazy-looking individual sitting in the sun on the village green. “Ever drink coffee?” asked the salesman. “Ay,” said the lazy individual. “ 'Bout 50 cups a day.” “Fifty cups a day!” echoed the amazed traveller. “Doesn’t that keep you awake?” “Well,” drawled the other, “it helps.” Not Impressed A retired Lancashire carpenter journeyed to Buffalo to see his son, who was foreman of the Niagara Power Station. In due course he was shown round everything—giant dynamos, generators, and many modern marvels—but with characteristic North Country dourness refused to enthuse. At last in desperation his guide took him down to the fall itself, but even this failed to produce any remark, and in sheer desperation the Canuck said, “Say, d’you realise there’s 15,000,000 gallons of water goes over that fall every minute?” The Lancastrian slowly looked along the rim of the fall. “Well,” said he, “there's nowt to stop it as I can see.”