Humour OF THE Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXL, Issue 20261, 9 November 1935, Page 15

Humour OF THE Week

Characteristic Husband: I have left instructions in my will that I am to be cremated. Wife: Just like you to go and leave ash about all over the place. Dead Sure Mr Binks: I think my grandson works at your office. Mr Brown: Yes, I remember him going to your funeral last year. The Foreignest “I want you to teach my son a foreign language.” “Certainly, madam. French, German, Russian, Italian, Spanish?” “Which is the most foreign?” All Through the Night Novice (with great determination after numerous attempts'): “I’ll stay here till I hit this ball.” Caddie: "Weel, ye can get some ither laddies to hand yer sticks, for this is ma bath nicht.” Chummy At Chemnitz, in Germany, politeness in dumb-show greets the motorist guilty of minor offences. A policeman hands him a notice which begins: “You have broken the regulations, but we want you to feel at home in Chemnitz.” Force of Habit Two acquaintances, who had not seen Macpherson for some years, called at his house on Saturday evening. Mrs Macpherson answered the door. “Does Macpherson live here?” they asked. “Ay,” was the woman’s reply, “jist carry ’im in!” Old Story A small boy had been spanked for a misdemeanour and stood In the corner to think over his transgressions. Half an hour later his father said: “You know why I spanked you, don’t you, John?” "I don’t really,” replied the child, "unless it’s the depression.” Quite Clear “Can you tell me the way to the church?” asked the stranger in the village. "Certainly, sir,” replied the oldest inhabitant obligingly. “Go up the downs, keep straight along the crooked lane, then round the square, and when you turn to the left, you’re right.” Except One “I certainly shall not recommend this house to my friends,” said Blankly, indignantly. “I think it monstrous that a charge of three pounds per week should not have included dinner.” “I am simply carrying out your instructions, sir,’ replied Mrs Boardem. “My instructions, indeed.” “Yes, sir. You distinctly say In your letter, "Please have room at my disposal, all meals, Sept. I’.” Problem She was bidding her lover a fond farewell for he was going on a business trip round the world. Tearfully she clung to him, and asked: “My darling, promise that you will write to me from every town you visit.” And as he gathered her in his arms he cried: “Oh, Ada, is it love that prompts you to say this? Do you really love me, or are you merely collecting foreign postage stamps?” Measurement Collecting fares, the conductor stopped before a passenger who was sitting with his arms extended in front of him. “Your fare, please?” he asked. “You’ll find threepence in my righthand coat pocket,” said the man. The conductor stared at him suspiciously. “Anything the matter with your arms?” he asked. “Oh, no,” came the reply; “the width between my hands is the size of a pane of glass I’m going to buy.” Most Obliging The bus conductor was not enjoying his day. It had rained; fussy old women had tendered notes for a penny fare, and old men had been irritable. It was getting late when an American tourist boarded the vehicle. “Say, guard,” he exclaimed importantly, “I want your St. Paul's Cathedral.” “All right," replied the conductor, somewhat abruptly. After a while the tourist repeated his request. “Say, I want your St. Paul’s Cathedral.” “Don’t you worry, guv’nor,” retorted the now very fed-up conductor. “I’m getting it wrapped up for you.” The Solution A small boy stood gazing pensively in the sweet shop window, his eyes roving from box to bottle, wondering how best he could rid his pocket of its terrible burden. After studying again and again the wonderful array, two boxes of chocolates, marked “5s per lb,” claimed his attention, and at these he looked with wrinkled brow, long and lovingly. The minutes passed, and then, with the air of one who, after careful thought and judgment, had solved life's biggest problem, he strode manfully into the shop. “I want a ha’-penny-worth of them and a ha’-penny-worth of them, mixed,” he announced, pointing at each box in turn.

The shopkeeper looked puzzled for a moment, and then taking one chocolate from each box he handed them to the boy with the remark:— “Here, sonny, mix them yourself.”

Little or Good “What kind of music suits you best?” “Well, I’m not very particular. I like it either rare or well done.” One Similarity “Some railway stations are more attractive than others,” states a writer. Though they all have their points. A Happy Choice Jim: I got up at dawn yesterday to see the sunrise. Jem: You couldn’t have chosen a better time. The Puzzle Daughter: Mother, why did you marry father? Mother: So you’ve begun to wonder, too, have you? Catty “I bought that dress for a ridiculous price.” “You mean you bought it for an absurd figure, darling.” Omission It is announced that a certain theatre can be emptied in three minutes, but the name is not stated of the actor who can cause the emptying. Had Enough “If you are tired of dancing, let us sit down and have a little tete-a-tete.’ “No, thank you. After such a big supper I really couldn’t eat a thing.” Hard Luck Tourist (to “Ole Gaffer Jarge”): So you’re the oldest inhabitant, then? “Well, I be, an’ I baint. My brother’s the oldest by good rights, but he wor bad for two years or so, an’ got disqualified." That Accounts for It Biown: Didn't you hear about it? Smith; No. Brown: But it happened in your neighbourhood. Smith: That may be so, but my wife’s only just got back from her holidays. A Long Way He was discussing his son and heir, whom he had decently taken into the business. “Well, yes, he’s shaping pretty well, but he has a long way to go before he’ll have a head big enough to fill my shoes.” Aged “One shouldn’t speak disrespectfully about one older than onself, should one?” “Quite right, sir” said the waiter. “Very well, then, I shall refrain from expressing my opinion of the chicken you just served!” Correct A discussion on swimming was drawing to a close and the club bore was having his final say. "Suppose," he said, “I did swim the Channel—where would It get me?” A member prepared to depart and turning to the speaker, remarked laconically, “France, I presume.” Thirsty Yet The two old friends had met again after many months. “Have you heard about old Bill?” said one, referring to a mutual acquanitance. “No,” said the other. “What’s happened to him?” “He dropped down dead outside a public-house.” “Going in or coming out?” “Going in.” “How horrible.” A Man of Worth “Let me see, where’s your Bill now?” asked a man who met Mr Sikes one day. “Oh,” was the reply, “he went to America some years ago to make his fortune.” “Great!” said the questioner. “And what’s he worth now?” ‘Well,” said Mr Sikes sadly, “I don’t know the latest quotation, but six months ago the authorities were offering ten thousand dollars for him.” Too Much The touring cyclist had lost his way and had inadvertently entered a private road. Suddenly he was confronted by a very stout and irate bailiff. The man sprea dhis arms wide. “Back you go, young man.” he roared—“back you go! You'll not proceed except over my dead body.” The cyclist gave a snort of contempt. “Very good,” he replied. “If it’s like that. I’ll go back. I’ve done quite enough hill climbing for one day.” He’s Telling Them “Women?” exclaimed the young man scornfully to his companion in the tube train. “Don’t talk to me about women! Pestered by them all day, I am—they just won’t leave me alone. Elderly spinsters, newlyweds, pretty young girls—they all seem to make a bee-line for me. But I don’t stand any nonsense from ’em. No, sir! I tell them just where to get off.” The train came to a stop at a station and the speaker glanced up. “Well,” he said, “here’s where I must leave you. So-long!” Two girls had been sitting nearby, listening to this forceful young man with awed and amdiring expressions. After he had gone one of them turned to his friend. “Excuse me,” she remarked. “I couldn't help overhearing that gentleman's conversation. Please tell me—is he a film star?” The other man chuckled. “No, miss,” he replied. “He works the lift in a department store.”