Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXXIX, Issue 20105, 11 May 1935, Page 15

Humour of the Week

Poor Prospects “My face is my fortune." “Huh! Another hard luck story!” On the List Ardent Male: I’d love to be married to you some day. Screen Star: All right, I’ll put you on my wedding list. Helpless She: Oh, John, there is a man singing outside in the street. Can’t we help him? He: You can if you want, dear—you know I can’t sing. A Big Difference Visitor from country to London (to a tramp): Excuse me, but I thought London was paved with gold. Tramp (disgustedly): Paved with gold? Why, it’s paved with coppers. A Limit "Doctor, how am I progressing?" quavered the patient. “Oh, you’re much better,” replied the doctor, breezily, “but I wouldn’t start reading any serial stories if I were you.” Brevity Mother: Did you remember to say “Thank you very much for having me. I’ve enjoyed myself very much?” Tommy: Yes, only I cut it short and said, “Thanks; I’ve been had very nicely.” The Resurrection Editor: Did you write this poem yourself? Contributor: Yes. Every line of it. Editor: Then I’m glad to meet you, Edgar Allen Poe. I thought you were dead long ago. Only Too Plain “Don’t you see the resemblance?” asked the proud mother, exhibiting baby. “Look at our faces side by side.’ “Nothing could be plainer,” replied the visitor unthinkingly. Ready to Oblige Diner (examining menu): There’s nothing that attracts me on this menu —absolutely nothing! Bring me the manager. Waiter (under notice): How would you like him, fried or grilled? Near Enough “You have no idea,” said the proud mother, “how clever Freddie is at school. Fred, come here and tell uncle what three and three make.” “Five,” said Fred. “There! You see?” exclaimed mother. “Only one out!"

Limited Time A man rushed into a public-house. “I’ve got a tremendous thirst,” he said hoarsely. “Have you any ale?” “Yes, sir; pale?” he was asked. “No, I’ll have a glass,” he said. “I don’t think I can manage a pail. I’ve got to catch a train in three minutes.” Keeing it Dark The acused had been duly convicted of theft when it was proved, on further evidence, that he had actually been in prison at the time the theft was committed. “Why didn’t you say so?” demanded the Judge of the prisoner. “Well,” sid the man, apologetically, “I was afrid of prejudicing the jury against me.” Safe Mr and Mrs Jenkins were living on a new housing estate, but had not quite settled down. One night they went down town to the pictures. Half-way through the wife, turning suddenly to her husband, said excitedly: “Oh, Harold! I’ve forgotten to turn off the electric iron.” “Don’t worry,” replied he. “I forgot to turn off the shower bath.” Long Distance The chief salesman of a certain firm had a very loud voice. One morning when the manager arrived at the office he heard a terrible noise coming from the salesman’s office. “Who is that shouting?” asked the manager. “That’s Mr Hill talking to Edinburgh,” replied the secretary. “Then tell him to use the telephone.” Kind Thought Brown had been in the habit of borrowing books from his neighbour. This had gone on for years, but the books were never returned. One day Green appeared at Brown’s door carrying a large bookcase. “I seem to have no further use for this,” he said, “and it's been worrying me to think that perhaps you have no place to store my books conveniently.” Suspense They sat there holding hands a deadly silence prevailed. She had a feeling, yes, something told her that he would ask the all-important question. She nerved herself up for the words that she knew would surely come, and with appealing eyes she turned her face towards him. “Why did you trump my ace?" he thundered. That Explains It A young mother, upon her husband’s return from his office in the evening, met him at the door with a proud smile.

“John,” she said, “we weighed baby to-day for the first time. And he weighs 47 pounds. “A six-weeks-old child weighs 47 pounds? Impossible! What did you weigh him on?” “On the scales that you carry in your kit to weigh the fish you catch.”

A “Simple” Explanation Mutt: Have you heard about Banks? He’s got water on the brain. Mitt: How did he get that? Mutt: From a tap on the head probably. Coward “I’ve found the meanest man on earth.” “Who? What did he do?” “He’s deaf—and he’s never let his barber know.” Unlucky Wife (to grumbling husband): What a funny man you are. If ever I happen to leave one stone in a raisin pudding you’re sure to get it, but you go in for lots of sweepstakes and never get anything. Preparation “Daddy, I want to be an Arctic explorer.” “That’s fine, my boy.” “But, daddy, I want to go into training at once. I want sixpence a day for ice ceam so that I can get used to the cold.” Masons will Smile A poor little girl wrote a letter to God asking for £5 for her parents. The letter went to the Dead Letter Office, where a sorter, a Mason, saw it and took it to his lodge. As a result £3 was collected and sent to the child. Some months later she wrote a similar letter and added a postscript: “Don’t send it through the Masons this time. Last time they kept back £2.” Almost a Tragedy It was a gaping, big hole, the bottom of which could not even be seen. Down that hole was a man. Is it any wonder that a crowd gathered around, or that various emotions were expressed upon their faces? Had he vanished for ever? Would he never come to the surface again? Some looked anxious, others stared miserably at the spot where he should come. A bell rang. Ah! He was coming up. The lift attendant stepped out, and they all rushed into the lift. His Concern “I wish I knew if my job is a permanent one. You see, when I was taken on the boss said, ‘All right, I will give you a trial.’” “Hm! And he hasn’t mentioned whether you are satisfactory or not, eh?" “No, and that’s what is worrying me. I don’t like to ask him in case he finds fault with me.” “Yes, it is awkward. How long have you been working for him?” “Nigh on forty years now.” The Little Innocent "Mother,” said Freddy, coming into the kitchen, “I’m not going to play with that Johnny Brown any more. He’s a naughty boy.” ‘My dear little man,” said mother proudly, "and what has Johnny been doing?” “He laughed when another boy picked up our cat by its tail,” explained Freddy. “Who was this other boy?” mother asked. “Me," said Freddy.

Where They Failed A young man took his sweetheart to her first football match. The home team, and one he favoured, was faring badly. The visitors bombarded their goal as frequently as she bombarded him with questions. “Why have the other team scored five goals and yours none?” she asked at half-time. “Weak backs.” he dismally replied. “Weak backs!” she exclaimed, “Why, I am surprised. Men suffering from weak backs shouldn’t take part in such a rough game as football.” Not a First Night “I say, Bill.” said his wife, “let’s go to the theatre. I hear they’re putting on a new show to-night.” “AD right,” he agreed, “I ain’t never been to a first night before.” They dressed hurriedly in their best clothes and set out. Arriving outside the theatre. Bill stopped and stared at the floodlit posters. “Here, Emma,” he said, rather sharply. “I thought you said it was a new show starting to-night? Why, this thing’s been going on for nearly a fortnight!” “What d’yer mean?” she asked him. "Well, look at that poster." said Bill. “Doesn’t it say ‘Shakespeare’s Great Play Twelfth Night’?” The Mathemagician The two passengers in the compartment of the train that was rushing through pasture country got into conversation. One a farmer, was naturally interested in the grazing cattle. “Now, there’s a fine herd over there,” he remarked. “Yes,” said his companion. "Sixtyfive in that group.” The farmer was amazed. As they travelled on the stranger continued to number the groups of cattle and sheep that they passed. “Look here,” said the farmer after a while, “I don’t know how right you are with your figures, but I’m going to test them. We shall be going through my farm presently. See if you can judge the number of sheep there. Ah, here we are! How many are there?” “Two hundred and twenty,” came the instant reply. The farmer gasped hollowly. “Great Scott!” he exclaimed. “How the dickens do you do it?” “Oh. it’s quite simple!” said the other offhandedly. “I just count the nuSiber of legs and divide by four.”