Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXXVIII, Issue 19959, 17 November 1934, Page 15

Humour of the Week

Answered “Why, asks a tailor, is the average man so shabby? Usually because his wife isn’t.” Definition An economist is a man who knows what to do with another man’s money if he has any. Matrimonial Munner “I’m going to give you a piece of my mind.” “Just a small helping, please, darling.” Frank Opinion Betty: He said I was the only woman he had ever loved. Joan: All the others must have been girls. Diet A record price was paid for a rare moth. We understand that it is fed exclusively on best quality dinner jacket. Easily Arranged "I told him he mustn’t see me any more.” “And what did he do?” "He turned out the lights.” Seaside Reproof "Didn’t I tell you you’d get into hot water if you bathed?” “Y-y-yes, m-mummy. But y-you’re wrong; it was c-cold.” Handy “Dr Jiggins, the lunacy expert, is my uncle.” “Oh, how nice. You probably get cut rates on his services, don’t you?” The Condition She: Give me a week to think your proposal over. He: Sure. If I’m not married in that time I’ll let you know. Results “I hear you have a garden. I suppose things are growing rapidly?” “Yes, the neighbour’s hens grow fatter every time they get into it.” One Good Thing First Rambler: Good gracious! Smith has just fallen over a precipice! Second Rambler: Thank goodness he wasn’t carrying the lunch basket. A Long Way To Go He (at the dance): Dancing is in my blood, you know. She: Then your circulation must be poor. It hasn’t reached your feet yet! Reassuring Inspector: It isn’t healthy to have your house built so close to the pigpen. Farmer: Well, I dunno. We ain’t lost a pig in fifteen years. Poor Johnny Johnny: I wish father hadn’t invented that new soap. Mother: Why? Johnny: Well, every time a customer comes in, I’m washed as a sample. Wonderful “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could gather all our old school friends together again?” “Yes, then maybe I could collect some of the money they still owe me.” Very Shy Mistress: Mary, I am surprised to find you entertaining your young man in the kitchen. Mary: Yes, mum, but he’s &o shy he won’t come into the drawin’-room with the other visitors. A Long Shot “Yes. madam,” the postal clerk said, “this parcel will be all right. But, as a matter of fact, you have put threeha’pence too much in stamps on it.” “Oh, dear,” the old lady replied, “how awkward. Ido hope it won’t be sent too far!” Sign Language Haughty Mistress: I am a woman of few words. If I beckon with my finger, that means come. New Maid: That suits me, mum. I’m a woman of few words myself. If I shake me head, that means I ain’t coming. Some Shepherd “Yes, sir,” panted the new 'hepheid. “I got all the sheep in, but I had to run hard for those lambs.” “Lambs! I have no lambs. Let’s see what you’ve got,” was the reply. Look- j ing into the shed, the astonished owner saw fourteen panting rabbits. His Contribution Brown: I see Smith’s got a motorcar. Greene: Yes; rich uncle gave it to him. Brown: Why, he told me he put all the money he had into it. Greene: So he did. He bought four gallons of petrol. A Strange Coincidence On the day of the Test match an elderly man walked into Smith’s office and asked for Mr Smith. “Is my nephew busy?” he asked. “I would like to see him. My name is Clark.” “Good heavens!” cried Smith, ‘‘he's just gone to your funeral!” Putting it Bluntly The man who had stayed up in the city playing billiards with business friends was explaining to his wife why he was late home. “You see,” said he, “I was delayed at the station—l caught the ‘rushhour’ mob, and I had to wait in a line to get a ticket—er—” “I see,” said his wife, who knew his weakness for billiards. “You were at the end of a long cue!”

Not Far e "And now how far is your house s from the station?” “Only a five-minute walk if you run.” What Did He Mean? V Patient: Yes, doctor, my breathing worries me a lot. Doctor: Don’t worry—l’ll soon stop that. The Next Step Husband: Gne more payment and the furniture’s ours. Wife: Good! Then we can throw it out and get some new stuff. i He Knew i I Bride: I cooked the supper to-night, darling. Guess what you’re going to get?” 5 Groom: Indigestion, i r | Awkward “Don’t come down the ladder, Mike, I’ve taken it away.” Mike: Well, put it back. I’m halfway down. Notoriety First Man: Lots of people have rolled my name in the mud. Second Man: How is that? t First Man: I am a tyre manufucturen 5 The Limit Lecturer (in village school): Well, children, what shall I talk to you about? Small Boy (in front row): About five minutes, sir. t His Job Criminal (who has got a life sentence) : Oh, my lord, I shall never live : to do it. Kindly Judge: Never mind, my man, : do as much of it as you can. In a Hurry Connie: Look. I got a fourteen- ' page letter this morning from Tom. Doris: Coo! He must be in love with you. What does he sign himself? Connie: Yours in haste. Not Quite the Same L Henpeck (who has just overheard his wife scolding the maid): You and : I both seem to be in the same unfortunate position, Mary. Maid: Not likely! I’m giving her a week’s notice to-morrow. • Gave In Banjoist: My wife started nagging -me last night and I finally let her have it. Saxophonist: Gosh, you hit her? ! Banjoist: No, I let her have the new coat she was nagging me for. Trouble in Store Maid: The master’s locked up for the night, ma’am. Mistress: Oh, I didn't hear him come in. Maid: He hasn’t, ma’am. They’ve just telephoned from the police station. Nasty Smith (boastingly): My wife's always in the fashion; why, she just bought a pair of gloves with a mirror on the wristband! Jones: Umph, reminds me of my wireless set. Smith :Why? Jones: Well, the dial needs frequent attention when there’s a loudspeaker ' attached! A Question of Running “You’ll get run in,” said the pedestrian to the cyclist, “if you ride without a light.” “You’ll get run into,” responded the rider as he knocked the other down. “You’ll get run in, too,” said the policeman as he stepped forward and seized the cyclist. Just them another scorcher came along without a light, so the policeman was ran into, too, and had to run in two. Precise An American sugar planter in Hawaii took a friend from the States to the edge of a volcano. “That crater is 70,004 years old,” he explained. “How do you get the exact age?” asked the newcomer. “I can understand the 70,000, but how do you calculate the four?” “Well, I’ve been in the islands for four years, and that crater was 70,000 years old when I arrived.” Doubtful Strategy Slowly, with a menacing look in his eyes, the bulldog approached the two street musicians. The men looked at him out of the corner of their eyes and then slowly edged away. “I say, Bill,” said the man with the banjo, suddenly, “blow ’ard on your cornet; perhaps it’ll frighten ’im away.” “Yes, that’s all very well,” said Bill with a doubtful grimace. “But if it don’t do the trick, where’ll I get the wind to run with?” The Only Way Left Mrs Clymber was giving a little dinner party to some influential friends, and was in a fix owing to her maid having left that morning without giving notice. She decided to ask the cook if she would help her out. “Jane,” she said tearfully, “what am I to do? Mary has gone and IVe nobody to wait at the table. Do ycu think you could possibly do it?” “Not in the dining-room, ma’am,” was cook’s firm response; “but I’ve had some canteen experience which might be useful. If you'll send out your guests to the kitchen when they arrive, and tell them to bring; their p’.ates and knives arid forks with them, I*il see that they get all tiiet’s coolin’ to them.”