Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXXVII, Issue 19626, 21 October 1933, Page 15

Humour of the Week

When "Wider, Please,' Is a Pleasure. “I wonder why Peck always goes to a lady dentist?” "I suppose it seems good to hear a woman tell him to open his mouth instead of to shut it.” Disproved. He: I have been toying to discover why a woman is so much more curious than a man. Why do you suppose it is, Miss Winnie? She: I don't know, I'm sure. I've never been curious enough to inquire! Usual. An old lady walked into a post office with a carefully-packed parcel. “Can this be sent by paper rates?” she asked. The postmistress took the parcel and examined it. “I'm sorry,” she replied, "it cannot go by paper rates. You see, it must be open at both ends.” “Well," said the old lady, “this is a pair of trousers I'm sending my son. They are open at both ends, aren't they?” The Sacrifice. Mrs. Newedd was taking tea with a friend. "By the way,” she said, “did I tell you about Tony? The dear thing is going to give up smoking for me." Her friend laughed. “How really old-fashioned!" she replied. “Oh, it's not quite that,” said the other. "Tony says we can't both afford to smoke.”

He'd Had Some. The traveller’s wife opened a letter from her husband at breakfast time. "I don’t know what to make of this short note!” said she to her stoutlybuilt mother, who was staying with her. “I’ll tell you what John says,” she went on. "Dear Nellie, I hear that your mother has come to stay. lam a hundred miles away. I beg to remain Your loving husband, John.” Obvious. There was a bang, as of a door being slammed—and a clatter, indicative of tennis racquet, etc., being flung to the floor of the hall. Hubby entered the drawing-room. “Hello, dear," wifey smiled brightly. “How did you go on in the club tournament, then?” “How did I go on-” hubby exclaimed. “With courts like ploughed fields, umpires who couldn't distinguish foot faults from foot salts, and- " “Ah! wifey smiled. “You lost?"

Experienced Cashier: “No, sir! No cheques. I wouldn’t cash a cheque for my own brother.” “Client: “Well, of course you know your family better than I do." Fresh Complexions Mabel: "Where does Madge get her good looks from—her father or her mother?" Edythe: ‘“From her father. He keep* a chemist's shop.” A Poser. Worried father (to little son): I don't know what to do about your telling untruths. When I was as young as you I never told a stogie lie. Little Son: How old were you when you started, dad? “Abandon Hope. . . " “Where does this lane lead to?” "Well, It's led half of the young folks round these parts Into marriage." A Very Poor Plan. “Harry is late again tonight," sobbed Mrs. Nubride, "and he know* well enough that I told him I wouldn’t speak to him for a week If he didn’t come home earlier.” “My dear child," said her mother. “You are very young yet, or you never would try that plan." The Blissful Cure. “Let me kiss those tears away, sweetheart," he begged tenderly. She fell into his arms, and he waa very busy for a few moments. But the tears flowed on. “Will nothing stop them?” he asked breathlessly. ”No,” she murmured. “It's hay fever, but go on with the treatment." For The Records. A police constable while on duty came across a small boy wandering alone, and thought it well to take him for safety to the police station. The sergeant, wishing to enter details regarding the case to the station records, asked the officer, “Where did you And the child?” “In Nebuchadnezzar Street,” promptly replied the officer. There was a prolonged pause; than the sergeant turned to the officer, saying, “How do you spell that?" The two policemen pondered the matter, and then the sergeant turned to the constable and said, “Take the boy out and set him wandering again, but this time in High Street.”