Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXXIV, Issue 18832, 21 March 1931, Page 10 (Supplement)

Humour of the Week

What Did He Mean? “Were you bashful the first time you called on a girl?” “Why, yes; but her father helped me out.” Quite So. Little Tommy: “Father, you bought sister a piano; you must buy me a bicycle.”; The Father; “What for?” “So I can go riding when she is practising.” Certainly Not. Father —Whenever you go to a theatre your mother always gives you a packet of nuts. I hope you don’t throw the shells on the floor. Johnny—No, dad; I don’t. I drop them in the pocket of the person who is sitting next to me. Not Even Now. Elderly gentleman, to workman in tramcar, who frequently takes nips from his bottle: “Do you know, my man, I never tasted spirits in all my life?” Working Man—“No; an’ you ain’t a-goin' to begin now, neither!” Twins. The country policeman was on his beat, when the motor-cyclist overtook him. and said: “Hi! officer, you haven't seen a man along her with one eye called Jim, have you?” The copper thought hard for a moment, and then said, “What was the other eye called?” Not Understood. The popular preacher had excelled himself, and the congregation were discussing his sermon as they left the church, some appreciatively, others critically. “Wasn’t that a fine sermon!” said one woman admirer to her companion. “Yes,” said the other; “but did you understand it all?” “Understand it!” replied the first. “Oh, no; I wouldn’t presume to understand such a great preacher.” Concluded. “Papa,'” said little Johnny, “is wheat a cereal?” “Yes, my son,” replied papa. “Papa,” reiterated Johnny a few minutes later. “Well” (testily) “what is it this time?” “Do field mice build their houses on the 'Stalks of wheat?” “Well,” said Johnny, “is that what you’d call a cereal story?” “Get outside,” thundered papa. Nothing Doing. Jenkins was one of those terrible creatures who wander about borrowing money from their friends. On this particular occasion his usual victims had realised that it was about the time Jenkins would be looking for them, and one and all they sought refuge in unlikely spots. But one was caught. “I say, old boy,” began Jenkins, “I’m in a terrible fix. I want a few pounds rather badly, and I haven’t the slightest idea where I’m going to get it.” “Glad to hear that,” remarked the other genially, “for a moment I thought you had the idea I could oblige.” So Very Simple. Mrs. Murphy was the proud possessor of twin boys, and whilst taking them out in the park ran across her neighbour, Mrs. Casey. “Arrah,” said the latter, “an’ it’s a perfect pair o’ boys they are; but tell me, how do you manage to tell one from the other? For divil a bit of difference can I see between them.” Her friend smiled as she rocked her children to and fro in their monster pram.

“Ah,” she replied, “it’s quite aisv, for, 3 r ou see, little Mike has a tooth cornin’ up and Tim hasn’t. So I just put me finger in Tim’s mouth, an’ if he bites, why, then, it’s Mike.”

The Test. "Where are you going with that box of caramels?" "Someone told me my girl had false teeth, and I’m going to find out." All About Coffee. Ned —When I drink coffee I can’t sleep. Ted—With me it’s just the opposite. When I sleep I can’t drink coflcc. Then Silence Fell. "Did you ever see a roomful of women absolutely silent?" “Yes, once. Someone had asked which of those present was the oldest." Naturally. “Music,” remarked the long-haired man, “is the language of the heart." “In that case," returned the man who takes things literally, “the person who likes jazz must have a terrible pulse." Stark Realism. “Jones is the most brutally frank business man in town. “How so?” “When he remits in payment, he writes: ‘You have already found the enclosed cheque’." Unusual. Manager (to boy applying for work): “Where does yoUr father work, by lad?” Boy: “He used in a brewery, sir, but he got the sack." “Got the sack? What for?" “For stock-taking, sir." The Shock. “Electricity in the atmosphere affect* your system,” said the doctor. “Yes," replied the patient, who had paid two guineas for two visits. “There certainly are time when one feels over-charged." A Good Chanco. Mrs. Swankalot was boosting her son to his school teacher. “You know,” she said, “my son has a great ambition to rise. What occupation to yo think would suit him?" “Well,” answered the school teacher, “I should say that of a steeple-jack." Cohen’s Advice. Mbses rushed into Cohen’s shop in i great excitement. | “Cohen, I vant you to lend me five I pounds for ten minutes. Mind, I only I vant it for ten minutes.” “Is that all?" said Cohen. “Veil, 1 think the best thing to do is just to wait ten minutes, then you von’t vant it." More Fitting. A farmer’s daughter started to practise singing. One day her father came | in from the fields unexpectedly. | “What’s the extraordinary noise?” he “That, dear," replied his wife, proud- ; ly, “is Jane cultivating her voice." “Cultivating! Hah!” ejaculated the farmer. “That ain’t cultivating—that’s harrowing!” Honour More Than Satisfied. The famous duellist nursed his badly wounded arm and glared at his adversary. I “I’m sorry," faltered the victorious 1 one, “but, you see, I’ve never handled a sword before in my life.” “Heavens!” roared the fire-eater, “What business has such a clumsy idiot to engage in a duel. Why, you might have killed me!” Twins and Tones. The twins were very much alike, but their father, a piano-tuner, had an excellent method of identifying them. He explained to an admiring friend ! one day that he could always tell the : cliffrt-ence between them even in the dark. The method was to pinch them. “But,” cried his friend, “you surely wouldn’t do that? It would make them cry. poor little things.” “Precisely." replied the father, “that is the idea. Listen. This one"—he pinched one of the twins—“is evidently Bill, he cries in high C. While this" —he pinched the other —“is James. He is always a semi-tone lower." A Doubtful Case. It so happened that the famous pianist was passing the hall in which he intended giving a performance that evening. He thought he would go in and see that everything was ready. “I’m playing here to-night,” he remarked to the caretaker. “Piano’s all right, I suppose?” “Well, yes.” replied the other slowly; “but she’s in the cellar full of books. We can easily have her ready for tonight, though.” Then he raised his voice and shouted — “Alice, where’s the works o’ that planner?” “Ain’t they out in the garden?" A Shocking Affair. “Queer thing about poor Jones, isn't it?" “What's happened?" “He was so close to an explosion not long ago. and the shock made him completely dumb.” “That’s sad.” “Yes. and the other day he knocked his head badly, and the shock brought his speech back." “That’s good.’’ “Yes; but, unfortunately, the shock of finding he could speak again made him dumb once more." “Good heavens!” “Yes; and now the doctor is hoping that the shock of finding himself dumb again will restore his speech once more."